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"I don't mind you showing initiative" he said.

So I have been, perhaps pushing my luck a bit, I think he might be regretting saying those words, give me an inch I will take a mile.

But the thing is, I am crap at showing initiative, well, to be more specific in the bedroom that is.

I know what he likes, and I stick to what I know, I rarely, and I mean really rarely, can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have initiated sex and to a certain extent took the lead, I suppose in doing so, pushes me out of my comfort zone.

He said I could choose one thing I would like him to do to me, and one thing I would like to do to him (within reason), it's funny how I bet that within reason is more restricted on what I would like to do him!

I chose wax for myself, we haven't played with wax for a long time, and I can't even remember if I like it or not, well, it depends on where the wax is going really.

I had to ponder, for a long while, on what I would like to do to him, because I already do what I like to do him...it's in my comfort zone, I know he likes it!

So I thought, ice, ice would be interesting, on him, had it on myself, could be fun!

I told him what my choices were and he was fine with that...good start!

He said "wax on your pussy will be interesting" in a taunting sort of way.

to which I replied "ice up your ass will be interesting too...you know, just showing some initiative"

Yea, I think he is regretting those words.

PS

It's obvious I suppose, that I have really been struggling with keeping this blog going, and yet I miss it, so that should give me the kick up the ass that I need, anyway clearly I needed a harder ass kicking and I got one!

Back to normal....ish/ooh and a bit of kink

The holidays are over, daughter is back to school today, although I have yet to understand the point of going back on a Friday! my son, having got the results he needed is off to uni in 2 weeks, so it's been a really hectic last couple of weeks, getting prepared for that, but mostly just spending time all together, which has been lovely.

But it's nice to get back into some sort of routine, more time to get back to blogging more regularly, i hate to think how long it's been since a kink post!

I shall rectify that right now :)

Well, more of an observation/reflection really.

A friend of mine, and her husband decided to try swinging, way back earlier in the year and really enjoyed the experiences, and are well into it now, and we have had some laughs as she describes some of the encounters, but, getting to the point, she was taken aback when I said it was something I had no interest in.

"but your kinky" she exclaimed!!!

*sigh*

Why is it, it is often assumed that being kinky must mean 'up for anything', screwing different men, whether I know them or not, is not something that appeals to me at all, not that i have anything against it, it just does not interest me.

I have not had sex with another man, since being with Master, i prefer to be monogamous, that does not mean that he has to be, although he has not had sex with any other woman, he could and I would have to deal with it, would I like it? well that's another matter entirely.

I have reflected on this a fair bit, going from completely against it, to the point that should he decide that's what he wanted, to have sex with another, I would have to think very carefully if I could continue as we are to am i a failure as a slave for thinking that?  because surely my focus should be on that it gives him pleasure?  but at what expense?

Then the other part of me, the part i hate, but i have to admit its there, the thought of it appeals to my emotional masochistic side, i would have/need to know every detail, and that very thought turns me on, because i wouldnt want to watch, or even to participate, but to be blindfolded in the same room, to hear...fuck yes!

Did I say that?

Yes, yes, I have been neglectful, and I do have valid reasons, ok that might be a lie lol

Did I once say that I couldn't be assed with Fetlife?  I believe I did, well....

I found a group via the feed, that ancilla ksst joined, so I thought...oh that sounds interesting, I shall go and check it out.

I loved it, it's different than the other groups I had joined, interesting topics, varied topics, one's that make me think, and it was, is friendly, so I found myself contributing there more, I even started a thread, something I did not and would not feel comfortable doing in the other groups, I rarely go near the other groups now.

Anyway, the group, yes, is Dharma goes deeper, if your on Fet and fancy checking it out.

Well, the group owner asked if I would like to be a mod there, which came as a shock, but a welcome one, and it's great, it's friendly, I am really comfortable there, so umm yeah that's one of my valid reasons....a good one though!

But I am aware that I have been neglecting here, did I not say that in the last post? yeah I think I did.

I shall give myself a slap.

Did I also say a while back that I was not ready to get another dog?  yes, well, on Sunday I went out to a rescue centre not with the intention of getting a dog, and came home with one, he is a 10 month old shih tzu cross jack russell...odd combination, called Charlie and he is gorgeous.

I also said Master is really busy.....nothing has changed there.

Just rambling

It's summer, well, it's meant to be, the UK, well where I am, must be behind in getting that message, as I sit here looking out the window at the grey skies and rain falling down.

It's been a busy couple of weeks, mostly centred around sorting out things to do with my son starting uni in September, just have to wait now for his exam results to come in, later in August, fingers crossed he gets the grades he needs, he is getting worked up about it, which is making me get anxious for him.

Master is busy, nothing new there, well yes there is, he is more busy than usual, which I didn't think was possible!

I am doing ok with managing myself, in the respect of not acting out, which had tended to be a pattern, he would be super busy, I would feel neglected and that would lead to me behaving in a way I know I shouldnt, because then I would get his attention, and I would figure that negative attention is better than none at all.

But I am doing ok, it's taken a lot of years to change that pattern,....im a slow learner!

I did have a wobble at the weekend, where I started to panic that he didn't want me anymore, I can't really identify where those thoughts come from, being insecure in myself i suspect being the main reason, when he is distracted with work, i have too much time to myself, to dwell on things, and yeah over think.

As soon as I get reassurance from him, im fine again, but i hate that i get needy like that, i need to get back into blogging more regularly, commenting and writing more, i miss it.

Whatever

He said something this morning, that as per usual i have been dwelling on ever since.

"can you honestly say there isnt anything you wouldnt do if I asked you?"

to which my reply was...i dont know, because its hard to know for sure until actually confronted with whatever it might be, so i dont know.

His response was "I think you do"

It was left like that, i wanted to say...well there was that once when i couldnt do what you asked, but i have since done it, so that would have been pointless.

Its been on my mind, should my automatic response been yes?  or am i hiding behind the i dont know because i dont want to admit its a yes?

I know he would not ask anything of me that was detrimental in any way, to me, to us, so its got me exploring the whole concept of 'anything'

There are most certainly things that i have no wish to do, reasoning's varying from it simply doesnt appeal to me, to a simple i dont want to at all, and i will not like you very much if you make do them.

But the counter-argument to that is

1) being his slave, there is the understanding that it will involve submitting to things that dont appeal to me, because i do already

2)  the same applies to that which i dont want

3)  he couldnt care less whether i like him or not so long as i obey, because i do love the grumpy git even when i dislike him

4)  i know, as does he that i get off on being made to do things i dont want to do

So, it could be argued that therefore i will do whatever he asks of me, and perhaps im in denial but i still think its subject to what that anything is.

So, i wrote this with the intention of having a clear resolution, but only succeeded in getting back to square one!

Well, i got to it eventually

Sorry, gosh im doing a lot of apologising lately!

"Why can't there be equality in ttwd?  he is no better than because he is my dom"

Equality, dictionary definition, for the sake of argument:

"The state of being equal, especially in status, rights or opportunities."

He is my Master, and i am his slave, and to kill two birds with one stone about being 'better' no, i dont believe he is better than me because he is dominant and my Master, back to the matter of equality..

I believe everyone is born equal, regardless of whether they be dominant, slave, sub, princess, their race, their nationality, their sexuality etc etc.

However in respect of him being my Master, i do not consider myself equal in status to him, but only him, as two people yes, but we are two people in a dynamic that by definition of using Master and slave implies inequality.

I have rights, but certainly not as many as he does, i have the right to expect to be kept safe, to have my basic needs met, and as this is all based on consent, i have the right to withdraw that consent although that has never been an issue, and if it were it would have serious impact on our relationship.

Can there be equality in ttwd?  I admit im struggling to say yes in the respect of there being total equality, so its easier for me to say how it is for us, if anyone has a view that there can be, i would be interested in hearing it.

He has authority over me, i do not over him, and that is the simple way of looking at it,i could go into all the very many ways he has authority over me, but that statement alone should be enough.

I am quite content in it being this way, i wouldnt want to be his equal, besides that i get off on the whole idea of being beneath him and that his wants and needs come before mine..but thats a whole other subject, which if i go into, this post will turn into an essay :)

Bringing out the worst

A week or so ago, maybe longer, time just flies! there was a thread on Fetlife, that I contributed to, it started out very simply about dining out, it escalated into the appropriateness of exposing others to the life we lead.

I stated my opinion at various points, eventually i had to walk away from it, it was just getting ridiculous, but mostly i stepped away because i didnt like myself very much, in fact, on reflecting on it further, i was ashamed of myself for various reasons..

Although i stand by my opinions, i could have expressed them without being snide or bitchy, reading back through them thats how i came across, and i didnt like that side of me, and im pretty sure if Master was to read them he wouldnt be too impressed either...and i do care about how he thinks of me and how i behave.

I lost sight of what i have always been so defencive about, and that is respecting another persons opinion, even though i disagree with it, and perhaps strongly so, as this was the case, one should still be able to make their point without it getting nasty, looking back through that thread, it was no different from playground bullying tactics, that i allowed myself to be a part of that, well im not proud of myself.

So i made myself a Fetlife rule/or in general an online rule..

if i cant say anything nice or positive to anyone, dont say anything at all, because it is possible to disagree with someone without it needing to be nasty in any form.

Last night i was reading a thread, and it left me feeling appalled, a girl of 18, new to ttwd posted a question, within it she said she understood that "not all submissives are slaves but all slaves are submissive" something she had read somewhere or heard.

Very quickly she was jumped on for making a generalised statement, now dont get me wrong, one of my pet hates is people saying a slave etc must/should be xyz, and it doesnt go down to well when people make them.

But rather than giving a polite response most, not all people focused on that one statement and tore her to shreds, she got defencive, and i dont bloody blame her at all, although she would have been better off ignoring them.

But you know what, she is 18, new...ffs, it seems that when it comes to the internet and how people treat one another, common decency goes out the bloody window, its like its ok to be rude, bitchy etc because its words on a screen.

I fell into that, it brought out the worst of me, not a pleasant sight at all, and its made me question myself, but most of all reminding myself..to treat others how i would like to be treated.

When nanna came to stay

(yes i know, i will get to the equality post)

My nanna turned up on Saturday, unexpectedly, i am feeling appropriately ashamed and guilty as she travelled all the way from London to see me..and she is 94, physically she is failing but mentally she is as sharp as she has ever been, well memory can be a bit dodgy, and eyesight is going.

I should make more of an effort to see her more often as she is my last living grandparent, and i do enjoy conversing with her, she has led a colourful past.

My nanna for her age and the time she was brought up in has a very modern outlook, and keeps up with what is going on, as i discovered when she announced she had watched 50 Shades of Grey and deemed it nothing exciting or new, and that we youngsters think we invented it, i shall remain grateful that she didnt elaborate further with a trip down memory lane!

However as she has aged she does have the tendency to think that this allows her to say what she likes, and it can sometimes be quite rude or perhaps thoughtless more than anything, because she isn't a nasty person but well she says what she thinks, which sometimes isnt appropriate.

She does like to guilt trip, to get people to do what she wants, usually its "I could be dead this time next year or even tomorrow" words to that effect, and the reality is at the age she is every day is a blessing...but then she has been saying that for the last 20 years...in fact probably longer!

She wants me to have a celebration for my 40th in November, which i have remained adamant that i dont want a big celebration of any kind, and yes she dropped the guilt trip on me, in this case it was "It would bring me a lot of pleasure to have something to plan, as I will probably be dead before it anyway"

Before i could actually protest and come up with a viable excuse, out the suitcase comes folders, information on venues, themes, potential guests, many of which i have no idea of who they are!

So, it looks like im having a masked ball in London,...yes a ball, not a party because to nanna a party is for children or hooligans....no i didn't even attempt to ask the reasoning behind that logic, and the guest list as it stands at the moment is at 123, and i dont know over half of them.

Nanna left this morning, and all sitting here wandering how we all got rail roaded by a 94 year old!

A question of equality/privacy

I have been neglecting blogger as of late, and replying to emails..sorry :)

So the question/query...

"He wants my passwords to emails and other accounts which I consider an invasion of my privacy, doesn't he trust me?  why shouldn't I be able to talk to other dominants, I do not know his or tell him who he can and can't talk to, is this fair or right?  Why can't there be equality in ttwd? he is no better than me because he is my dom"

Its not for me to say whether its fair or right for you, nor can i say whether its because he doesnt trust you.

How it works for us is that my Master does have my passwords to my accounts, email, Fetlife, my blog etc, and he can access them any time he should want to, he has more than likely forgotten what the passwords are! but nevertheless at any time he could ask for them and i would hand them over.

It has nothing to do with not trusting me, but everything to do with control, and that i have no right to privacy, as it is, he is not interested in who im emailing or who is emailing me, reading a conversation between me and a fellow blogger talking about shopping isnt exactly something that he would feel the need to know about!

There are exceptions, when i have been in conversations with people via email we have played with or potential people, i forward those emails to him, and others that perhaps im not sure about how to respond to, but those are very rare.

Nor is he concerned about who i talk to, i have no restrictions on this, take Fetlife for example, i have dominants on my friends list, i have had messages from other dominants, is he bothered? no, because he trusts me, im not going to be running off with anyone else! and besides the ones that are along the lines of sending me inappropriate messages..well im more than capable of handling them myself..i ignore them, they soon get the message, i figure if dominants cant make the effort  to read my profile where it states that im owned and not interested in anything other than friends, then im not going to make the effort to respond to their messages.

He is not threatened by other dominants, so there is no need to say that i cant interact with any, however everyones relationship is different, and those that might place restrictions may have nothing to do with trust, but rather its simply their preference.

The only restrictions that that come to mind which are not really relevant as i have no interest myself, is online role-playing of any kind..but he has not needed to specify that as its understood that would not be acceptable...but like i said its not an issue because it holds no appeal to me.

Quite simply, i have nothing to hide from him nor would i want to, so i dont consider it an invasion of my privacy because i dont have any! and am happy with that.

Now, moving onto the equality point, which is going to be another post, another time, sorry, will get there.

Working backwards

With the prompts

Do you beg? How do you feel when you do?

Sometimes, i find it easier to beg for something to stop, or to not happen, than i do for begging for something i want.  Begging is something that emphasis the exchange of power, it demonstrates his authority over me, that he can give or deny whatever it is i might be begging for or indeed begging for xyz  to stop/not happen.

It makes me feel a sense of desperation, vulnerability and 'little'  because i have no control over the outcome, the decision is his, it can also be humiliating..and i love that.

If I could be Dominant for one day I would......

Plan a session in the room of doom based around what i would like to do/enjoy, things we havent done in a long while, it would be all about me :)...the reality would more than likely be that within half an hour, perhaps a little longer i would end up asking him to choose, coz i wouldnt like being in control.

Have you pushed or changed any of your limits?

Yes.  if we think of limits not just being restricted to s/m but rather the relationship as a whole, i think its reasonable to say that as the relationship develops/evolves, we adapt and grow along with it.  Things that perhaps were once not appealing or even were never considered, in time can change, so its perhaps best to not place limits on oneself, the relationship, and just well....Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be.


Have you experienced sub drop? What is it like for you?

Yes, sometimes.   Although when i do it tends to be much later, as in days, as i come down from the high, what its like varies, i tend to get quite tearful, at my worst i can go on a real downer where i start questioning and over analysing what had happened in a negative way.

What is something about submission that makes you nervous?

Vulnerability, which is also a contradiction because i love it as well, hmm completely surrendering to him, and all that it entails can make me nervous, knowing that he will eventually get me where ever he wants me to be, even when initially i might put up a protest  sometimes.

yes, yes as usual behind on comments, on it tomorrow, just got laptop back after being fixed, and i hate using the phone for writing too much.

and excuse the dodgy, changing text :)

wet or not, it was not nice

*from the unpublished archives, 2008, its funny because reading this now its not something that would bother me, but it clearly did back then...omg i was such a drama queen lol*

Topaz asked me if you show any compassion when your hurting me, when its clear im in pain that im struggling with it and want it to end, my reply without thinking about it was no, you dont, you dont have any compassion at all, the more im not enjoying it the more you like it...thats an accurate observation dont you think?

But you have an answer for that...."your cunt is always soaking wet, the more nastier the pain, the more responsive you become, that is all i need to know!"

That is besides the point.

The caning was brutal, and ok i wont deny that i loved it, once i got into sync and could ride the pain, and then when i was starting to get really spacey, you undid the wrist cuffs, so i could move a bit more freely, ankle cuffs still attached, then you put clover clamps on my nipples, with the chain running underneath the table and connected, and continued with the caning.

You ruined my fun, as i soon realised that as i instinctively rose up from each stroke it would pull on the chain, and it was difficult processing the different sensations, i couldnt relax into the caning as i was before, im guessing that was your intention?

I tried to keep still, but i was struggling, i damn well told you it was hurting a lot, that i didnt like it, and you had the audacity to say "i know" and laugh!  i dont feel at all bad at swearing at you, not that you took any notice.

Then, because obviously you didnt feel that i was tormented enough, you rubbed this cream on my ass and up my ass!! and it started to burn, and i started to struggle even more, and im not sure what i was more stressed about my nipples dropping off, which might have been a welcome relief, or my ass setting on fire..

Your dick must be like the rest of you, unfeeling because you fucked my ass, with no condom and the cream didnt effect you!!! whereas i was squirming and screaming like a wild thing....and then you made me lick you clean, and i hate that, you know, when its been there!! oh why the hell not, the rest of me is burning my tongue might as well be as well....but it was ok, one small mercy i suppose.

Nope, not nice.

How well do you know your blog/blogging?

Found this and doing it for a bit of fun..not happy with the post i am working on....and so the draft folder gets even more fuller.

Answer these questions about your blog, no cheating and looking.

1)  Your top 5 popular posts, bonus if you get them in order.

Purple boobies, bdsm room 101, nipple piercings, pushing boundaries, ummm umm thinking....the sadomasochistic paradox....im pretty sure the first 2 are in order.  first one was right! correct order is purple boobies, nipple piercings, bdsm room 101, you cant? hmm really, return to room 101.

2)  Last 5 blogs you commented on.

His slut, a slave to Master, submission to slavery, songs from his nightbird, submissive missions...not in order.  yep right

3)  How many followers do you have?

191 i think  194, not too far off

4)  Your total viewings, to the nearest 100? 

no idea, complete guess 150,000 ish 219,594..ok way off, but really who checks that!

5)  How many blog posts have you published?

800 ish  813

6) How many posts in drafts?

about 120  131

7)  How many blogs do you follow?

no idea, around 100 possibly dont know how to check that!

8)  what post has received the most comments?

purple boobies....amazing what a pair of tits can do!  well im confident its that post, i dont know how to check!  still dont know how to check lol

9)  Your first blog entry title?

very short and sweet..."this is the beginning" or words to that effect  This is just the start...close enough.

10)  Why did you choose the name of your blog?

i didnt, my Master did, he set it all up, and i was told i was blogging!  thats how it was!

Me.....complicated!!!

I dont like it, but i want it, i hate it when its happening, but i love it and dont want it to stop.

Im so contradictory.

Im so sure, of what i think, and then im not so sure.

I have often thought myself difficult, still do sometimes, i wander where i fit in, do i need to fit in anywhere?

Being pushed/forced to do something i dont want to do i find really reinforces the mindset of being submissive, for me, but yet he would prefer my compliance because submitting is, using dictionary definition...accepting/yielding to another, so if he has to use force or push me its not submitting is it?

Is that not contradictory?

But he does always get what he wants, one way or another, where im difficult i think is i get these mental blocks in my head, which i cant get past, it could be that im thinking "we shouldnt do this or that, its not right" or i simply waste too much energy on thinking of the what if's.

I do generally come around to his way of thinking, not always, its like with the whole limits thing, its only very recently that i have changed my views on that, but there are things, most especially surrounding the idea of enslavement that i do disagree with him on.

Not that it matters, because its his way that it goes, but that doesnt stop me from having my own opinions, and they are subject to change, he doesnt object to that, as long as i still go his way....and i do.

Im not complicated, im just changeable, dependent on which way the wind is blowing, how much coffee i have had, time of the month.....

Let's just say he is a very patient man!  to a certain extent!

(yes comments to reply to, on it tomorrow)

The chains you cannot see

Kink of the week is chains

I thought i would put a different twist on this.

His chains surround me
keeping me bound
secure in my place
they cannot be seen
but i feel them

i feel them, with every move i make
whether i am by his side or not
they clunk loudly if i stray too far
pulling me back to where i belong
reminding me of my place

there is always a rattle
that cannot be heard, yet they speak to me
giving me reassurance when i need it
safe in these bonds
his possession, his willing captive
chained to him by
chains you cannot see

Changes

I made an appointment to see my diabetic specialist, along with my own doctor, i have been putting it off for months because i just didnt know where to start with what i wanted to discuss.

Since being diagnosed with diabetes i have had to face up to the fact that it has changed me, it has impacted certain aspects of our relationship, most especially in regards to s/m, even now im getting the right insulin and its more better controlled than it has been, it does require strict control.

Just for those that have no knowledge of type one diabetes...

Im insulin dependent, i inject 4 times a day, sometimes more if needed, i have to eat regularly, no skipping meals, i have to be careful about what i eat, some fruits contain too much natural sugar, i can have sweet stuff but very little.

My blood sugar levels can drop drastically due to an increase in physical activity, which can result in making me irritable, anxious and cause erratic behaviour, symptoms can vary from my skin being cold and clammy, blurred vision, dizziness, shaking, headaches and more.

It means i need a quick fix of sugar, i usually have glucose tablets on hand, then wait 15 minutes and test blood again, no improvement, repeat, still no improvement..hospital.

And then there is high blood sugar levels, which can be caused by not eating well, emotional stress, feeling unwell.  This means i need more insulin, which i always have on hand, if it gets really high its hospital.

So, i spoke to the doctors about how i engage in s/m and if there are any precautions we. or i should be taking, they both were really good, they both have not come across this situation before, so it was quite funny witnessing their reactions.

Diabetic doctor straightaway was "no bruising, no having limbs restricted via bondage, no open cuts no damage to feet at all" (yeah foot problems are a big issue with diabetics) and a lecture on the importance of circulation.

yeah...we have a problem doctor!

feet, i will concede on, i have no problem with missing out on bastinado, but no bruising, no bondage and no open cuts, that is not happening, im not giving up those, just have to exercise more caution.

That pretty much rules out many of the things we enjoy!

The other issues for diabetics, one of which i didnt know and im glad i do now is, it effects my electrolyte levels, which she did explain in great detail..but basically electrical play is very dangerous and can have serious consequences for a type one diabetic, i dont mind admitting she scared the shit out of me when she explained why!  so thats a no-no....im mourning that loss!  apart from tens units that is acceptable..have to make do with that.

Also i bruise easier, then there is either (dependent on blood sugar level) less feeling of sensation during impact play or more, which explains why sometimes i really have not been able to handle things that before i have had no problems with.

So, yeah it means adjusting, mostly just keeping a check on it more closely, a lot of it is common sense, things that really i should no better..

before play check blood, check it during play (oh yay spontaneity out the fucking window), lots of water on hand, stop play if i get pins and needles, numbness anywhere, dizziness, shaking..the shaking is a problem..because i tend to shake anyway even long before i had the diabetes..from fear, nerves....so not sure how to work around that.

I do feel a lot better that my doctors know, i think its for the best, so worst case scenario and i have to see them for concerns related to s/m..excessive bruising etc they are aware...and if ever i need to be hospitalised.

You can lead the horse to water, but you cant make it drink

Confronting refusal/reluctance, brought about by a discussion via email.

There has only ever been one situation that i can recall where i have refused to follow his instructions in the moment, as in during 'play', for sure there have been times when i have and still do say "i dont want to" etc and protest but its still happened, but outright refusal and it hasnt happened..just the once.

There has been times, and im sure there will be more in the future, where we might be discussing a potential scenario etc and i voice that its not something i feel i can do, for xyz reasons.

But...im a slave, i should just obey regardless, because thats what slaves do....ugh, not even going there!

I think there are 3 options the dominant can take in these situations

1)  To use force, by any means necessary to ensure compliance.

2)  To use positive encouragement, to talk the submissive around, dependent on the situation, to go into what the problem is, to see if it can be resolved there and then.

3)  To stop, discuss it, and perhaps re-visit the situation at a later date.

Option one, force, when im reluctant to do something, being confronted with having no choice in the matter, knowing that it will happen whether i like it or not is a huge turn on, but there is a difference between outright refusal and reluctance...its somewhat of a balancing act using force, but mostly the dominant knowing and understanding his sub well.

So for me, i dont enjoy being with a woman sexually, i could quite happily not have to do it at all, but on these times, i am forced/made to do it,  the force is not physical (well apart from the time he has shoved my head and held it there between a womans legs) but its more of a "you have no choice"..he knows that i get off on that, still dont enjoy the actual act...but having to do it...fuck yes!

Hypothetical situation.

He ties me up, and tells me he is bringing in another man to fuck me, i wouldnt be reluctant, i would outright refuse, but he forces me too anyway by keeping me tied up and leaving me with no option, or perhaps beat me until i verbally comply, and im fucked by this other man.

Being forced in this situation would have a really negative impact, it would shatter my trust in him, and our relationship as a result would more than likely deteriorate, i wouldnt be able to move past it, it would be well beyond the 'just deal with it and get over it' attitude, my instinct as i even write this, has me saying i would withdraw consent until or if it could even be resolved.

How does he know when its ok to use force and when its not? because he knows me (better than i know myself in many ways), talking a lot, lots and lots, and through the experiences we have with each other.

Whatever option the dominant chooses to take, especially in regards to force, he has to consider the said consequences of that choice, even taking the 3rd option and stopping does not mean he has given in to the submissive, because i think most subs, or rather speaking for myself, i want to obey him, i want to please him, so for me to outright refuse he should know its clearly something i have big concerns with, even reluctance to a certain extent demonstrates im having difficulties that need addressing.

Hoods 'r' us

Spent last night looking for new hoods and browsing Fetlife.

I love being hooded, Master doesnt mind them, he often indulges me by letting me wear one at times, but they are definitely something i love more than he does....he likes having access to my mouth, and to see my eyes...but there is compromise, some hoods dont cover the mouth and eyes, or have detachable parts....personally i prefer full coverage.

Narrowed my selection down to these 2..

I love this watersports one, 2 of my favourite things combined, and it has open mouth and eyes so win-win for both of us.

This one appealed, if only because the advertising tag made me laugh "This piece keeps the mouth firmly closed and stop's your submissive's incessant complaining".....like i complain! :) or another way of looking at is...it would stop me from saying exactly what im thinking at times!

I like the head harness part, we have a head harness with nose hooks, but im liking the mouth cover on this, and i like having the ring on top, allows for more opportunities.



I love being hooded for various reasons, they objectify me, as soon as one is on i get into the headspace of just 'being' very quickly, they are calming, although i have had moments of panic, so if one hasnt worn them before i would recommend one that can be removed very quickly to start with.

They highlight the other senses, touch most especially, it just intensifies everything else, especially with a full hood, when one's sight, hearing, and voice is removed, i either go 2 ways....one it induces fear or i go into subspace...either way i love.

Oh. Im motivated now.

Im a terrible procrastinator, not in everything, but sometimes i need motivation.

When i signed up to Fetlife, the reason was at the time there was the scare with blogger and images, so with many possibly going elsewhere to blog, i felt Fetlife would be good for staying in contact with those bloggers that moved on.

I wrote a tiny piece on the profile page, with the comment that i would add more later, and i was going to, i was, but when blogger did a u-turn it wasnt a priority anymore.

When i asked for permission to join, Master was happy for me to do so, i said i would contribute to Fetlife, be active, and well i havent been....and....now im motivated because pics have been put up.....same ones that has been posted on here, i think.....oh joyful!  oh and gee thanks ancilla for encouraging him lol

When i think about using Fetlife, what i want is to keep it associated with blogger, in the respect that my friends list is fellow bloggers, what i dont want is past and potential play partners having access to my Fetlife profile, not that i have anything to hide, but rather quite simply i dont want it used for seeking out others.

Because lets face it if one does play with others, one of the first things that is generally asked is "are you on Fetlife" and thats understandable, i have checked out play partners profiles on Fet, get more information about them, opinions etc.

With blogger the information i put out here is contained, with Fetlife it isnt so much, and thats what concerns me.  I dont want my Fetlife profile as a means of seeking others, and he is ok with that, the solution is to have a separate (unlinked) profile for that purpose....and he can write, post photos of what he likes.

But anyway, now i have been 'motivated' im going to make Monday and Thursday Fetlife days, where i commit to contributing in some form, today i think i shall work on my profile...although have no idea what to put, and yeah lets see how it goes.

Oh....

Tonight was meant to be a night out.

Change of plans, looking after friends 2 month old baby girl as older child needs taking to casualty..

I had forgotten how much baby sick smells, 3 change of tops later.....has brought back that memory.

It may well turn into an over-nighter from the latest update......i have forgotten what its like to get up for a night feed...i guess im going to have that memory brought back as well.

*edited this morning*

Well, i have to say it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be, she slept through from 12.30 ish to nearly 6 am...her dad picked her up half an hour ago, her brother is set to come home today, and now coffee..lots of it.

Facts about him

Because im pretty sure you know more about me than you want to know!

Fiona allocated me 14, so im going to do them about Master

Vanilla

1)  When he is away on business related trips, one of his first priorities is finding the nearest Indian restaurant, on the times i go with him i used to try and sway him to other restaurants..i have given up!

2)  Contrary to how he might come across on here, as i portray him, he is actually very laid back, and easy going, out of the two of us im the one that has a fiery temperament...i know your finding that hard to believe about me :)

3)  He doesnt smoke cigarettes, never has, dislikes it, but yet he does enjoy dope/weed for recreational/relaxing purposes, he can be quite pliable when he is on a 'high' not that i would dream of taking advantage of that....ok maybe a little lol

4)  His hobbies are varied, birdwatching, caving (he also does cave rescue), ham radio, motorbiking (the closest to wearing leather he gets), deep sea diving oh and drinking beer...not that he has much time for hobbies these days

5)  He is a workaholic, i dont think he will ever retire, not full time anyway, its very important to him, i respect that but its difficult at times

6)  He has travelled a lot over the world with business, worked in Africa for a few years, the US, Europe and now hates travelling in respect of holidaying.

7)  He has a wicked sense of humour although it can be quite dry and your sat there wondering "is he being serious?"

Kink

1)  His first bdsm experience was aged 17 whilst at university with an older woman in which he was the bottom, he said he liked the power play, it but he liked it even more when they switched..and then there was no going back.

2)  I would say imo his favourite type of kink is humiliation, physical and mental, he can make me feel so worthless, that im nothing to him, i can take it because i know above it all how important i am to him

3)  One of the few things he has no interest in is extreme water torture, which just happens to be something i would love to experience.

4)  He has in his past topped men, and i would love to watch him doing just that...a big fantasy/on wish list of mine

5)  He doesnt believe or rather hold to the idea of having limits....his thinking is more..placing limits on oneself is just limiting your imagination and limiting your experiences...over the years i have slowly come around to that way of thinking...it simply comes down to knowing one another and communication.

6)  He is consistent with me, he doesnt make idle threats or promises, if he says he will do something he will, whether it be something nice or not, i need this, i dont like uncertainty, he doesnt change his mind or expectations of me on a whim.

7)  His favourite implement is the single tail whip, with the cane coming in a close second, im the other way around.

Got to the bottom of it

Well.  I know what caused the doormat issue, i did get an email back (they were concerned i might 'out' them.  I assured them i would not, and actually although i didnt like what they said, i respect that they named themselves (the blog) generally when people want to be judgemental etc they hide behind being anonymous.

First of all any emails i receive i would not disclose the name/blog title here, here being my blog, the only exceptions would be if it was a topic of conversation that i wouldnt mind blogging about, subject wise, but first i would ask the emailer if they minded.

So what caused the issue?

Basically the concept of having no choices, which was from a post i made myself.

No choices...right,ok.

Actually i have lots of choices, i chose to make a cup of coffee before i started this post....and i did it without asking permission!  im choosing to drink it now without asking permission, i may well choose to have another one in 20 minutes and not ask permission, i have chose to write this post without asking permission....im such a rebel!

But we are not talking about making/drinking coffee are we?

Im going to try to keep it as simple as i can....which may not be actually that simple..this is me we are talking about after all.

I chose to be in this relationship, now its not like we are in the dom/sub frenzy period, we have been together many years, so i think its safe to say we know each other very well.

When i say no choices, i mean it in respect of having a very clear understanding of what that means to both us, which is bottom line he is in control of us, me, primarily i have 2 choices, to obey or not.

I try to always choose the obey option, and hmm 95% of the time i make that choice.  Does this mean i have no say, input or my feelings/thoughts are not considered? of course not, although it is situation dependent.

A while ago whilst having anal sex, he stopped, said "somethings wrong?" i nodded and he withdrew, yes something was wrong, i was in pain, not a good kind of pain at all, and if he hadnt brought it up i was going to, now he could have continued, its his right, my body is his to use as he wishes and i would have no choice in the matter.

Or perhaps I'm having a diabetic hypo, but he wants to give me a beating, he can regardless because hey I'm a slave I have no choice

Wrong.

In those situations i have choice, the right to say "no" i have the right to be kept safe, i expect him to keep me safe, to not cause me damage, as it turned out after a visit to the doctor i had an infection from a cut inside my ass. The examination was enough to put me off medical play for life.

Its a dominants responsibility to look after his sub, to keep her safe, its the subs responsibility to let the dominant know when something is not right, so he is fully aware of the situation, and he needs to trust that his sub will tell him, and the sub needs to trust he will do the right thing.

The saying...'just because you can, does not mean you should' comes to mind!

Saying i have no choice is about obedience, about being pleasing, it does not apply to situations that are effecting my welfare, its a matter of context, and he wouldnt have it any other way....he wants me happy and healthy.

Now im going to make my other cup of coffee, i may even choose to have a biscuit with it.

The great bake off

Today was the baking day.

It went ok, so im not quite up to Masterchef standards, and never likely to be, but me and daughter did well, it looked alright and didnt taste too bad either.....icing was a bit runny!

But goodness me, a couple mothers there, you would think one was competing in Masterchef!  one even brought her own mixer (which she made of point of letting everyone know how expensive it is), chopping board and utensils with her, and took it very, very seriously, my comment of "you might as well have brought your oven" didnt go down well...the look..well the look she gave me was one that showed no amusement, obviously my sense of humour isnt for everyone!

I did commit a grave sin, i licked the wooden spoon!  i thought posh mum might have a fit there and then.

His sadism, my masochism

Hope this gives a bit more insight His slut as per your comment "I just wish you would share more scenes as I'm super intrigued on your degree of masochism, how you nurture His sadism and encourage Him to push both you and Himself"

*This post had turned into a longer post than intended lol*

As i briefly said in my reply, there are somethings im not willing to share because im uncomfortable in doing so, to elaborate on that its for numerous reasons,  i dont want to risk unwelcome judgy comments questioning safety, my welfare, that its not SSC, and what a cruel bastard he is....although i wouldnt argue with calling him a cruel bastard!

But also, writing about scenes we have isnt something that i really get a lot out of, and somethings i simply prefer to keep private....oh and yes i do worry about what people will think....i know, i know, i shouldnt.

My degree of masochism is variable, dependent on many factors, when im asked "how much pain can you take?" its like saying "how long is a piece of string?" when on form, in the right mood, right circumstances etc i can happily take a severe caning or whipping where it leaves raised welts and the skin is cut and bleeding.

But yet there also times where it can be a few strokes in and im begging him to stop, and im not coping very well at all, sometimes im just not simply in the mood for s/m at all and therefore not receptive to it, not that this deters him! when he is in the mood, im getting it like it or not.

Aside from impact implements, we enjoy various activities, i like what i call more torture based s/m...clover clamps on nipples and labia with weights added one by one, and then being made to move, usually with encouragement from the whip or cane, i love needles, the sharpness as they pierce the skin, the blood from them...blood is a huge turn on for me.

hmm ok, well, there isnt a lot that i havent tried that i have wanted to and some that i havent wanted to but have lol, as for him well lets just say he has been dabbling with s/m etc for over 30 years and some of what he has said about his past dabblings are things i have no wish to experience (too extreme) and are best left off the blog!

I think i shall use his words from a Q&A session a few years ago to give an insight into how his mind works in respect of my masochism...

 Generally, I am very happy for her to go into sub space when she is being caned.  I like to see her bleed, and I enjoy administering the cane, so what's not to like.  There are times; however, when i prefer to see suffering.  I like to see the pain in her face, and watch her trying to control it, for me.  I like to see her cry, and to see her scared, worried about what will happen next.  Sometimes, I like to administer many different sorts of pain at once.  In particular, I like to see her writhe under the whip.  I love the marks the whip makes, and the bruises and welts that come later.  This is particularly true of using the whip on her back and breasts. 

My decision on how far to push her, will be based on previous experience, with that type (or specific) activity.  If she's clearly having trouble with something, I may slow it down, or take a break, but she always gets what I have decided she will take.  I am a sadist, and for me, pushing her hard like this, perhaps beyond where she thought she could go, is a real turn-on.  There's more to 'edge-play' than knives or breathing restrictions.  All activities in BDSM have edges for an individual, and each individuals edges will differ.  Tori knows that sometimes she will be pushed way beyond her comfort zone, or perhaps that should be her discomfort zone.  She may scream, cry, beg and frequently call me all sorts of names.  Afterwards, she delights in what she has achieved, her marks, the lingering pain, and frequently wants to be taken there again! 

His sadism far exceeds my masochism, i know, as does he, that i could not handle his worst, this used to bother me, but he has over the years assured me that im enough for him, although there are times i sense his frustration that he has to stop before he has wanted to.

So im inclined to say his sadism does not need nurturing, although we do feed off of one another, there are moments when he may be hurting me and i hold eye contact with him, i can see his enjoyment, his passion and that in turn spurs me to want to take more for him.

He likes it a lot when i ask, well, preferably beg him to hurt me, especially if its for something im not keen on, that tends to get him motivated and encourages him when he might not be particularly in the mood, of course sometimes he might say no!

He encourages me by using what i call emotional blackmail lol...like  "be a good girl and take some more for me" or "6 more then you can have my cock", or by using his fingers on my pussy, bringing me so very close, and then withdrawing to continue the torture, which usually then brings me to climax.

But mostly we have fun, we both are getting enjoyment from it, im a giggler and its not uncommon to me to have a fit of giggles when it might not seem like i should be, most recently was when he was whipping my stomach and thighs, i looked over to him and started laughing, he just commented "I can go harder" which just made me laugh more...and the fun really starts.

No room on the blogroll for doormats

Im not leaving blogger, goodness me, no way, i need to have somewhere to express myself, and this is my somewhere.

I have spent the last few days going through my blogroll, reading comments i have left on peoples posts, over analysing what i have said to see if what i have wrote could be in any way interpreted as being offensive.

I know sometimes i can write a comment somewhere, read it back and think ''oh that didnt come across well" and i will comment again, in writing my own posts i try to be as honest as i can about my opinions, but they are just that..my opinions.

I offended someone, with a comment i made,  i dont know whom because although they sent me an email, they failed to tell me who they were, or their blog name, and i dont recognise the email address, they asked if i could stop following them because they dont want..and i quote "your type of doormat slave on my followers list"....

I did reply making the point that i couldnt unfollow them if they didnt tell me whose blog it is im meant to be unfollowing!

Didnt receive a reply!

Normal service resumed.

yes well

I cant read minds, and its perhaps for the best, but i can read, and i can write (ok grammer isnt great), the written word is open to interpretation, if offence is caused, its not intentional.

Thats all, over and out, sometimes its best to know when to walk away.

Mish mash of vanilla and kink

The cake baking has gone relatively well, its definitely confirmed my daughter makes the better cake...although one i did looked better, hers tasted better..but its all about the taste so she wins...and she is enjoying letting me know that.    In 3 days 5 cakes have been made, so one just has to hope we can pull it off on Tuesday when we make it in class!..the only niggle i have left is i have an electric oven and the school ones are gas, so im not sure about if that will make a big difference or not.

Is it possible for ones mouths/jaws to shrink?  because when Master went to put the ball gag in my mouth it wouldnt fit at all!!! and its the same one we have always had, im not complaining, ball gags are not my favourite type of gags....being a drooling mess is not appealing, even though he would disagree, and they are not as comfortable as penis gags, i love them.

My sons funds/loan for university came through, its a scary thought that at 18 he has a huge loan waiting to be paid off before he has even started working!  im very proud of him, but im also very worried, over silly things...will he eat healthy, get enough sleep, keep on top of washing his clothes, not waste his money on crap....i know....i shouldnt but i am......he is however close enough to come home at weekends should he want to, and i figure the clothes that need washing will be coming home with him!

I bought a new sex toy, we have a vibrating remote controlled egg, but this looks more fun..

Butterfly in your panties

I like remote controlled toys such as these, are great fun when out, not knowing when he might press the button, could be doing something very mundane when suddenly *ping* and your struggling to compose yourself in what might be a very public setting....im not a huge fan of public humiliation, but this is the closest to it im comfortable with, because no-one knows except the two of us.

Exposed to one another

I have often felt it a weakness that i am dependent on him, where i feel so very vulnerable, that i need his approval, i need his attention, i need his control, i simply need him.

It goes against what i had fought so hard to not allow to happen, that no way could i let someone get so close that my emotions would be so easily exposed, because if you let someone tear down the walls, you leave yourself open, vulnerable and at the risk of being hurt.

But surrendering to him is not a weakness, and nor is it solely about me, i belong to him, but he also belongs to me, he is as emotionally invested in us just as much as i am, its often easy to forget that, i need him and he needs me.

In this we are equals, although the power exchange implies otherwise, and certainly there is inequality in our relationship, its taken both of us to knock down each others walls, to expose ourselves to one another, to know things about one another that have never been shared with others, and by doing so we are stronger together.

More random facts

Thanks to Rye at collared mom for giving me 14, this is not as easy as one might think!  Im going to break them in half again, 7 vanilla, 7 kink.  Again, if you want to play along, i give you the same number as me...14, if you wish to play along.

Vanilla

1)  I would rather be somewhere an hour early than 5 minutes late, i cant stand being late, i get agitated, my watch and clocks in the house are all set to ten minutes earlier than the actual time..only exceptions are mobile and laptop.

2)  Throughout my life i have always had dogs, my last one Milo, passed away nearly 2 years ago and i cant bring myself to having another one, he was badly abused when i got him at 14 months old, covered in cigarette burns, kept outside on a short chain with no kennel in all weathers, never taken for walks (the bastard previous owner did get prosecuted) it took many, many months to gain his trust, when i did, he proved to be the most loving, loyal dog i have had, im not ashamed to admit i mourned him for months, i still miss him..and i cant go through that again..so unless i feel differently in time, no more dogs for me.

3)  My mother wanted to send me to a finishing school, going as far as registering me for one, it was one of the few times my dad put his foot down and wouldnt let it happen..yay dad! i remember looking around it, i picked up enough then to know i didnt want to go.

4)  The best pick up from a man i have ever had was years back in a local bar, he was flirty, asked me out, i replied "when they fully recover the Titanic" and besides i was in a relationship, got a phone call couple days later from people saying i should pop down to the pub....on the bar was a jar with a label saying 'funds needed to raise the titanic, help a man out'....if i was single..he would of pulled, i do like a good sense of humour lol...he is now a good friend.

5)   I like older men, always have, i lost my virginity at 18 to a man of 35, we first got together when i was 16, he thought i was older than i was when we met, we was on and off for a few years as my age freaked him out, it didnt bother me, however now being older myself, and having a daughter of 13, if she came home at 16 and said she was seeing a man of that age..i would freak right out!  Master is 14 years older than me, its not a problem at all, as i occasionally say to  him i love grumpy old men :)

6)   I dread going to dinner parties, or anywhere where there is a set menu as im quite a fussy eater, but because i dont like waste or want to offend there have been times when i have forced food down, and its not unknown for me to keep napkins in my handbag to wrap food in if i can do it un-noticed..i know, how old am i!

7)  If pushed to name a favourite band/singer it would be Queen, Freddie Mercury, when i watch videos of them, especially live  i think he was a very sexy man, and a most brilliant performer, its difficult imo not to be entranced by watching him on stage, he engaged the audience in a way that i dont think anyone else has come close to.

Kink

1)  When he says "Is that right?" or goes "hmm" i know i need to tread carefully, he isnt pleased and that im pushing my luck, if he goes silent, i know im fucked...and not in a good way!

2)  I love being hooded, however although he does often allow me to be, he prefers access to my mouth, he likes to kiss me when he is torturing me up close, to feel/hear my breath exhaling, the muffled cries as he does so, and he likes to see my eyes, to see the pain in them, the tears forming, and yet also the look of desire.

3)  We havent used electrics for a while, but i do like the violet wand, the sensations are amazing, the tens machine is nice when on low, very pleasurable, up high, its agony, it has been a long while but i remember enough to know high is too much..much too much.

4)  The first time he put a needle through my labia i was quite sure i was going to be sick, it made me lightheaded, not so much because of the pain but the sensation of it, in the tits on the overhand...love it.

5)  I know im high maintenance, in the respect that i thrive and do better under his constant strict control, being kept on the proverbial tight leash, my behaviour tends to slip when he is really busy with work and i feel im not getting enough attention, its a vicious cycle that needs to be broken, its not fair on him and i do know better.

6)  I find it difficult to write about sex, there are so many bloggers that pull it off really well, it just makes me uncomfortable (writing about it, not reading), im ok with talking about kink of any or rather most forms, but actual sex scenes..they are a rare occurrence on this blog.  My favourite preference in regards to blogging, writing myself and reading others is more the mental/psychological aspects of ttwd than the physical.

7)  If ever all of us bloggers were to meet up (wouldnt that be nice?) i would be the one in the corner, sipping my drink, observing and listening, im open on here, love the interaction, but in person im rather shy and withdrawn, which i think people misconstrue as being stand-offish..but thats not the case at all.

Smoke in the air

So, last Monday i had a sneaky cigarette whilst hanging up the clothes in the garden, i havent told him yet, i plan to before this gets published.

Im not allowed to smoke, he had made that very clear the last time i begged for one a while ago, which was during breakfast when i was going to punished afterwards, he wasnt amused that i had even asked!

Anyways, besides that im not allowed to, i know its not good for you, i know all of that, especially on top of all my other health issues, but i never smoked a lot anyway, no more than 10 a day, usually 3 or 4 and really only when i was worrying and stressing over something..yeah im making excuses.

But, there are still times when i crave one, and this was one of those times, i have put off telling him because i wasnt sorry i had one, whilst smoking i had that sense of "fuck you, im enjoying this smoke"....brought about by feeling pissed at him that he had earlier made me do something i didnt want to do.........yes, yes, thats called submitting..

I regret it now, of course i do, i could make excuses, but it comes down to the fact that i chose to have the smoke, i chose to keep it from him for days, so now i must face the consequences of those choices.

Was it worth it?  umm probably not but damn i savoured every inch of that smoke

A question for those across the pond (US)

Reece's puff cereal, how much approximately over there please, if anyone knows?

I ask because they have just started stocking it over here, and its £5.00 a box!!!! honestly what mug would pay £5 for a box of cereal.....

this mug, thats who!.as a treat though, my kids love the chocolate bars, but they are also expensive..and Hersheys....omg i love that chocolate...i would move to the US just to munch on those..because finding them here is like looking for gold-dust.

So i converted it into the equivalent of dollars, and its $7.74 if i have worked it out right.

Im curious though as to what they do cost over there.

Prompts

I found this site http://sccwriting.tumblr.com/prompts via Within reality and as im at the point of being taunted by the blinking cursor, these prompts are handy....worth checking out if your lacking inspiration, there are over a hundred all ttwd related.

1)  when are you most aware of being owned/submissive?

When things that one would normally take for granted im denied or simply just not allowed to do or have, being aware that what i am allowed and can do are privileges that he can take away.  Its a constant feeling i think, after a while it becomes the norm and you just know its there, its in ones behaviour to the way of thinking.

2)  In the beginning, did you ever wonder if you could lose your sense of self somehow in your submission?  Has that proven to be the case?  Is that still a question for you?

No, not initially, didnt think about it..  I think if anything i gained rather than lost a sense of myself, submitting to him, being controlled felt right, it is right.  I have changed in my sense of self but in a positive way.

3)  How do you self identify?  Are you a sexual submissive?  A slave? A little?

Property/slave, although i use property/slave to identify the type of relationship dynamic im in, at the core of it imo the need to please him is what drives me, and i would say thats universal across the spectrum of ttwd, regardless of whether you identify as slave, submissive etc so yeah either or will do, add in slut, bitch or whatever.

4)  What does growth as a submissive mean to you?

Being open and willing to learn, pushing past things i find difficult or struggle with, it isnt always easy all the time, but if it was then im inclined to say im not growing, there are always ways i can better, improve myself as a submissive.

5)  What does being safe mean to you?

Being able to trust one another, without having trust there is no feeling of being safe.

Coffee cake panic

So, my daughter came home from school today and told me that in cookery class they are having a mother and daughter baking day, and they had to pick a recipe out of a container, and she got coffee cake.

Which i (coz i cant say no) will being going into school with her, after next weeks half term, to make together.....

"you cant fail on this mum, its important"...no pressure then!

but, really baking is something im not great at, i use every cheat imaginable...think 'add an egg' box mixes.... or i get them from the local deli......i know terrible mother that i am.

I havent met the cookery teacher so i did suggest getting her aunt to play her mum, but no she wasnt having that.

So next week im going to be stuck in the kitchen making coffee cake, over and over im sure,  honestly i know this sounds bad...but i cant even make a basic sponge....so im going to have to find a recipe....which has to be idiot proof!

Life begins...

I love that quote.

I turn 40 later this year, my children are trying to convince me to have a huge party, its not going to happen, im not really a party person, well definitely not my own that is.

Anyway, i had just turned 30 when i met Master and as i have confessed on here before i bawled my eyes out when i turned 30..yes i know very sad lol.....but im ok (at the moment) about the thought of turning 40, its just a number right?  My 20's was a mixture of highs and lows, got married, had my children, marriage fell apart, worked doing something i loved, made a lot of mistakes, but learnt a lot.

On the brink of turning 40 i can look back at the last decade and be happy and content that taking the risk of pursuing D/s was worth it, yes some might say i should have worked harder at my marriage, thought of my children, but the marriage was falling apart pretty much from the start....we simply, no, not we, it was me, i, married for the wrong reasons.

When my son turned 18, one of his gifts from me was journals that i had kept since he was a few weeks old, where i would jot down moments from his childhood, although i didnt write in it everyday all the time, i made an entry at least every week, up to his 18th...he loved it, i also am doing the same for my daughter.

This blog journals most of my relationship with Master, not all, as it was started quite a while after we got together, and i keep a handwritten journal as well, which is more private, both document the highs and lows.

Some of my earlier posts are cringeworthy....omg did i really think that? say that?..umm yes i did! i should have joined Fetlife back then, i would have fitted right in with my uber slaveness superiority :) now i guess as the years have gone by im more jaded, but its good for a giggle.

Which brings me to the point...yes i do take a while to get to the point!

In life, as we age.experience, evolve or whatever, its ok to change opinion, heck i have, not just within ttwd but so many things, so when someone comments on an old, really old post and points out that it contradicts what i have said recently, thats fine, because yes once i thought being a slave was all about how many times i got whacked about, treated cruelly etc....and then i aged, experienced, evolved, whatever....and now i think its more about the psychological, in fact the physical imo has nothing to do with it.

A weighty issue (vanilla)

There is a family wedding coming up in June, so yesterday i went out with my mother to buy an outfit, i dont really need a new outfit, i have perfectly nice dresses, but with things the way they are with my mother, i was going to make the effort.

We went to a boutique, the saleswoman brought out a beautiful dress, remarking that with the nice slender figure i have it would be complimentary (yeah well she's on commisson!) my mother at this point interjected 'she was really fat, shamelessly so,  its only because she is diabetic that she is thin, a blessing in disguise'

I felt humiliated, i felt sorry for the sales woman who was clearly embarrassed, my mother just couldnt understand how what she said was hurtful, i should know better by now!....i came home, didnt get the dress.

When i met Master, i was a uk size 16/18, yes overweight but not grossly obese, i wanted to lose some weight but i wasnt obsessive about it, Master has never made me feel any less than sexy and desirable, and although i was at times concious about my weight, it was an issue i had with myself, he never put pressure on me to lose weight.

Now, im underweight, although i have put on 3 pounds over the last week and a half, not a lot to make a huge difference, but im just relieved to know im gaining not losing, i would like to put on a stone, or get to dress size 12/14 just to fill out a bit, get some curves back.

I was happy and content with the weight loss (until it got out of hand), i was more confident in wearing clothes that were short, or figure hugging, still have wobbly bits, but as Master commented..'we all have wobbly bits'.

Besides i need a fatter ass, i swear the reason i havent been able to take a hard caning like i used to, is because there is not enough padding there anymore!

Get stuck in to blogging

Thoughts from discussions with a new blogger.

I started blogging in 2007, at Masters request, i took a long break of nearly 3 years, around 2009,  i wrote posts, but not published, every so often i will publish one, but getting to the point, the conversation was around the frustration of feeling like she doesnt fit in, lack of interaction etc

Apologies for not getting around to this sooner, i get distracted easily :)...of course this is based on how i use blogger.

1)  When i read someone's post, i read the comments as well, if its a comment from someone im not familiar with, i click on name, and sometimes (not always) add them to my blogroll.

2)  Dont feel obligated to comment on every post of bloggers you follow, if i did i would spend more time on here, i spend enough as it is!  i do however like to comment, sometimes i consider stopping blogging myself and just read and comment on others blogs...i would be content with doing that.

3)  When you get a comment, try to make the time to reply to it, i figure if someone has taken 5 minutes of their time to make that comment, its appreciated when its replied to.....however, some dont, dont take this personally, its how they blog.

4)  I allow anonymous comments, because some people are genuine, they just have no wish to blog, you can always set your blog to comments having to be approved if it concerns you..what might be said etc

5)  Write for you, not for an audience, try not to fall into the trap of obsessing over stats/number of followers, not important....well of course its nice to have followers, but what i mean is..as i read somewhere recently (Bleuame) quality is better than quantity.

6)  Although March is generally q&a month in Blogland, dont be afraid to ask questions at any other time, as long as one is polite and not crossing the line into a bloggers privacy..most bloggers are more than happy to answer.

7)  Dont compare yourself, your relationship to others, i was very guilty of this when i first started out, its of no benefit, serves no purpose, diversity is a good thing, and no matter how experienced, or how old one is...everyone can learn something new, or value anothers opinion.

Ok, thats all i can think in respect of tips/advice..anyone got anything else...feel free to tag it on.

Fine dining in the room of doom

I get urges where i need to be used brutally, i crave it, and sometimes i will ask for it, the problem is when i ask for something, there is no taking it back, which is a bummer when i change my mind!

The set menu.

To start

A full body flogging

Main course

Single tail with side orders of  hood, clamps and weights

For dessert

Bullwhip

Payment made in the form of blood, sweat and tears.

Service charge:  hard ass fucking

Aftercare:  coffee and chocolate mints and a well deserved nap...its damn tiring being beaten.

Better than an Indian meal Master!

Sex and control

Kathy over at www.sheandhim.blogspot.com asked

"What is the most embarrassing moment before/during/after sex, you can remember?"

This is going to be a cop out answer, but really the best one i have is a time we was walking back from town, took a short cut through a public park, it was late at night, stopped to give him a  blowjob (and to be his urinal), and he observed someone with a dog, stood by the trees watching....i was mortified, embarrassed...he thought it was funny!


So sex.

I dont talk about it a lot, its not high up there on my list of whats important in our relationship, i enjoy it, we have a great sex life, i never used to have a high sex drive, but since he reduced the amount of times i get to orgasm...its changed, which i didnt expect.

It can be weeks, and sometimes months before he allows me release, i never imagined it would be something i would like, but i do, i love it, its the control more than anything that does it for me, and that it keeps me focused on the fact that it is about his pleasure, his satisfaction, and simply that its about his needs not mine.

Thats not to say that im always happy about it, i get moments where i long for an orgasm, and im not allowed to ask for one, sometimes i try and work around that, which generally is not a good idea!  but for the most part orgasm denial has become a kink that i wouldnt want to not have....if he let me cum whenever i wanted, it would be a novelty at first, but one that i would tire of fast.

Yes, its about the control, that is my biggest love, the lack of it i have.  I dont need to have orgasms to enjoy sex, i enjoy pleasing him that is far more satisfying, to simply be used to sate his needs, so i guess its also about objectification as well, which i also love.

For us, being his slave means that i dont have 'rights' to anything, what i am allowed to do or have is what he allows me, naturally this includes orgasms, the fantasy of this is somewhat appealing, the reality of it is another matter....but yet for me M/s is not about the great sex or how many orgasms im getting so its perhaps why i dont consider it important.

Random facts

On reading over at www.withinreality.com (bloody linking playing me up again..click to add link..nothing happens) anyway, reading there, the prompt was offered that if you commented, you would be given a random number of facts to say about yourself..bit of fun...i got 12.

Anyways, im going to play along and do the same, for every comment here, i offer up the same to you dear bloggers...12 random facts about yourself...about whatever you like...if you would like to play along of course.

So, 6 vanilla and 6 kink seems reasonable...hopefully of things that are new and fresh, although possibly not, forgotten what i have mentioned over the years....

Vanilla

1)  Politics interests me a lot, and with the general election coming up here, im keeping up with the debates on tv, the policies of the main parties, i have attended local meetings here when i have been able to, im a big believer in if your going to vote (and i believe one should) then you should at least know the basics of the party/your local politician your intending to vote for....however saying that...there all a bunch of wankers for the most part.

2)  Although my relationship with my mother is not great,  i am a daddies girl, even now, i was the stereotypical spoilt little princess growing up, and i do at times still call him daddy and he still does spoil me lol, and i do have moments where the spoilt attitude comes out, generally when something is not going my way..not proud of it but well yeah there it is!

3)  I like good old fashioned letter writing, in this age of text messages, emails etc, i still write letters, and have brought my children up to write thank-you letters for Christmas/birthday presents etc, i just think its a more personal touch and more appreciated, and good manners.

4)  I am not an early morning person at all, im a 'dont speak to me (unless its really important) until i have had  2 cups of tea', after the 2 teas i move onto coffee for the rest of the day and night.....then you can talk to me!

5)  The Walking Dead is one of my favourite tv shows....and Daryl..hmm he can take me for a ride anytime he likes...and i dont mean on the bike.

6)  live right by the sea, love to look at it, but i cant swim, i have a fear of the sea, and the very idea of being in a boat in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight would be one of my worst nightmares

Kink

1)  My favourite piece of equipment is the suspension rig, i like that it exposes every part of my body so nothing is safe, it highlights my vulnerablility and also fear...fear turns me on a lot.....in a 'i really dont want this whilst its happening, but i know i will revel in it afterwards' sort of way.

2)  I am not fond of licking up his cum, i dont mind swallowing it directly, but its an expectation that wherever he cums im required to clean it up...i will try to avoid this...i know bad slave!

3)  Aside from having needles in my tits,or having them bound tight, tit torture is not my most favourite thing, or rather i dont handle it very well, im a wimp in this respect, unfortunately its something he enjoys a lot...go figure!

4)  if given a choice between sex and lots of orgasms, or a beating with no orgasms...i would opt for the beating

5)  I would really like to do long term captivity/being kept in the cage for at least 24 hours, only let out to be used

6)  i have this long term wish of wanting to put pin prick holes in the inflatable butt plug, what stops me is the threat of something much larger being shoved up my ass, im ok with it up to 3 pumps..any more and its unbearable

Sit your ass down here!

http://kinkandpoly.com/kinkoftheweek/

Kink of the week is...

Face sitting/queening.  Normally associated with Femdom relationships, so i wasnt sure how to work with this, but where there is will there is a way!  not limited to just pussy is it?

I love licking his ass, whether it be him sitting on my face or on a rare occasion using the chair..

Obviously it would be him sat in the chair, and i sit underneath it, on that little metal bit, which works rather well, if i recall the last time we used the chair for that purpose, whilst i was licking his ass, he had me spread my legs so he could flog my pussy..which was rather distracting :)

On an even more rarer occasion he will tell me to sit on his face, and he will lick my pussy, thats not to say its rare that he does lick me down there, but usually not in that position, not that i care, hey im getting my pussy licked..im not going to complain how its done or who by!

A while back i came across an article about how face sitting could be dangerous!!!!  suffocation? really? for me the only annoying thing is getting a pubic hair stuck in between ones teeth!

In fact the idea of it stifling ones breath, just makes it all the more hotter, especially if he is sat astride my face pushing his cock down my throat....that is a form of face sitting is it not?  oh i love that, to be bound, helpless, struggling to take it but having no choice but to.

Although i have been with other woman, i have not had a woman sit on my face, its been a case of my head being shoved between their legs, however i do find it appealing to experience it, to be forced to endure it, that for me is what would do it for me.

Im quite sure, well i know, he would also find that extremely appealing!

*i know i have comments to reply to...on it tomorrow*