So, last Monday i had a sneaky cigarette whilst hanging up the clothes in the garden, i havent told him yet, i plan to before this gets published.
Im not allowed to smoke, he had made that very clear the last time i begged for one a while ago, which was during breakfast when i was going to punished afterwards, he wasnt amused that i had even asked!
Anyways, besides that im not allowed to, i know its not good for you, i know all of that, especially on top of all my other health issues, but i never smoked a lot anyway, no more than 10 a day, usually 3 or 4 and really only when i was worrying and stressing over something..yeah im making excuses.
But, there are still times when i crave one, and this was one of those times, i have put off telling him because i wasnt sorry i had one, whilst smoking i had that sense of "fuck you, im enjoying this smoke"....brought about by feeling pissed at him that he had earlier made me do something i didnt want to do.........yes, yes, thats called submitting..
I regret it now, of course i do, i could make excuses, but it comes down to the fact that i chose to have the smoke, i chose to keep it from him for days, so now i must face the consequences of those choices.
Was it worth it? umm probably not but damn i savoured every inch of that smoke
Hi Tori, smoking is such a difficult habbit to break, especially during times of stress. Rick doesn't like the fact that I smoke, but has always been reluctant to insist I quit as he realises quitting has to come from me. I am trying to psych myself up to giving it a go.
ReplyDeleteWishing you the best with telling him. Good luck!
Hugs
Roz
Roz,
DeleteFor me, I truly found psyching myself up to it...or putting time in of preparing to quit, helped a lot.
*hugs*
It is, and i had been doing so well, so im disappointed with myself.
DeleteI think your right, it has to come from within, i think in this instance i did it as an act of defiance more than anything..im not proud of that.
x
I've been told if I must have a smoke without His permission then my pussy is to have a smoke too. Figure out those logistics cause I've yet too. Lol
ReplyDeleteHe has granted a time or two - thankfully. I usually only smoke when I'm drinking.
What was punishment?
lol part of me wants to know...and the other part doesnt!
DeleteHe hasnt decided yet...im left stewing on it! :(
x
So...the issue is really that you disobeyed and brated out a bit -the reaction of being made to do something you didn't want to do.
ReplyDeleteThat happens to the best of us.
You enjoyed the cigarette...if you could eliminate the guilt over it, that would help because the biggest hurdles to staying smoke free are the emotional pulls.
yeah that is the issue....and im really not proud of myself, i know better, im ashamed because yes i was bratting out a bit in retaliation....and his disappointment in me is...well its not worth it.
DeleteI feel guilty and so i should, because i havent had one in months, so i can do it.
x
a difficult habit to quit tori....hope you arent left stewing too long...
ReplyDeleteit is, but i know i can do it, now its like im back at square one.
DeleteSo do i..i hate being kept on edge.
x
Regardless of any consequences, quitting has to come from you. Otherwise it's only temporary. I smoked for ten years, and there were periods when I smoked over a pack a day. I tried quitting A LOT of times over many years, and when I finally did, I never looked back. It wasn't because anyone was telling me to, it was because I knew that if not today, then when? Ask yourself if you want to smoke for the rest of your life. If the answer is no, then what are you waiting for?
ReplyDeleteYep i quite agree, and i have done it, its been months, i think it was more about me being defiant if im being honest, i could have gone without but i was...ok i was acting out.
DeleteThe answer is no, and i have had no inclination to want one since, i fell off the wagon, and now im back on it...but i did need the push to quit in the first place, and i needed him to give me the push.
x