not long now

Sometimes it feels like i take 5 steps forward and 2 steps back, i havent been as attentative as i should have been whilst He has been away, some instructions i was given i havent given my full attention, i dont have any excuses albeit in the first week i was unwell but aside from that i should have focused on what was expected of me. I have found these last 2 weeks very difficult and have missed Him very much and He has been on my mind a lot so its not that i have put Him to the back of my mind. It has been difficult not being able to have the frequent contact that we usually have and i didnt want to taint His break away by informing Him too early that i have disobeyed Him and failed to do as instructed it didnt seem too bad a week ago but now the time is getting closer (He is home tomorrow night) its forefront in my mind.

When i received His text saying "I shall consider how to deal with your disobedience later" i knew that i had disappointed Him and its horrible how just that one sentence can make me feel sick not because of what He will do but because i have let Him down.

On a positive note though i will just be relieved to have Him home and back to regular contact and a week today we will be together even though i have a feeling im going to be firmly put back in my place which probably means a lot of discomfort. But i know i need it and want it especially as its been a while so as much as im aware some aspects are not going to be nice at all im not as anxious or as nervous as i was, well at the moment im not although i have no doubt i will be once He gets me inside the room i wander if i can distract Him with a nice cup off tea first i mean its a british thing isnt it? a good cup of tea makes everything ok..........hmm its worth a try

im so glad Your home Sir
i love You very much xxxxxx

being told no!!

I sent Master a text asking to be excused from my task today as im sore and yesterday i found it uncomfortable and was throbbing in a not nice way for a fair part of the evening afterwards, i really expected Him to say yes so when i got the text back saying no i was to complete task as instructed it came as a shock to be honest. What further surprised me was that i wasnt at all annoyed or pissed off at Him wheras a month ago i would have been and probably would have sent a text back either trying again and begging to be let off or being stroppy which would in both cases meant i would most likely end up being punished. It's a big turning point for me i realise because of the fact i didnt attempt to re-negotiate as i would have done before, and because i didnt feel any resentment at all because sometimes i do struggle with being told no.


Maybe i should not have asked in the first place but i am learning its how i phrase my responses, requests or questions that make the difference as i do have a tendency sometimes especially when given an instruction to do something im not keen to reply with "do i have to" and saying that quite recently earnt me an extra 2 cane strokes. My problem which i am learning to change is thinking before i speak so instead of saying "do i have to" in a sulky manner (not very slave-like) a more appropriate response maybe "yes Sir but i am having some difficulties with this because........" now of course this is not always appropriate and depends on the situation. Of course even if i was to ask anything in a respectful manner it does not necessarily mean i will get the response from Him i would prefer and nor should i expect to be given an explanation and the difficulty i think is knowing when its appropriate to make requests etc and when its not.

If i was to have sent Him a text saying i didnt want to do task because i "dont feel like it" i think its fair to say that this is not appropriate, as a slave its irrelevant whether i feel like something or not, He isnt unreasonable as i was unwell last week He made allowances that i wasnt up to doing the task. However im well now yes im sore and would have preferred not to have had to do task, i made a request and was refused and i dont see that as unreasonable, although i was hoping to take advantage of the fact that as He is away and we are both missing one another He might of relented. But on the other hand it was reassuring that He didnt give in to me because it gave me the security of knowing that even because of the circumstances He still maintains the level of control i need and that i cant twist Him round my little finger, in effect reminding me of my place because sometimes i need to be especialy when contact is minimal.

So i am proud of myself it maybe only trivial but because i know what i have been like previously, to accept His decision gracefully is a big deal to me and i just hope i can keep it up.

the right to keep thoughts to myself?

Well have just finished reading the first four books by John Norman about Gor, well what a pile of crap im just thankfully i got them very cheap off ebay but at least now i know for myself i have wanted to read them for a long time and at least can say i have, albeit only the first four and that was painful enough. I recently have re-read the Story of O after having first read it years ago and i still am not that impressed with it and even bought the film which if it wasnt for the fact that i dislike giving up on things wouldnt have got further than the first half hour. Master gave me some bdsm footage on a computer disc to watch and i really enjoyed those mostly because it was real, some of it made me squirm and make a note to myself not to mention those parts to Him as my first thoughts were "fuck i hope He doesnt do that to me" but even on those moments i still found it arousing but then it doesnt take much to get me aroused.

Now i have realised that when He reads this He is most likely going to ask what these bits was, now i could lie and say it was something different but i really find it difficult to deceive Him not that im implying it is something i do often, but yes i have been known to try and pull the wool over His eyes temporarily on a few occassions. Last time we was together i was gobsmacked that He caught me out, i had promised not to smoke whilst we was together and we was at a pub having dinner and a few drinks and i really was craving a cigarette, so i told Him i was going to the toilet when actually i went out to the front of the pub to have a sneaky cigarette. When i came back out to the beer garden He asked me if i have had a nice pee or something to that effect and i just knew he knew. I felt like a kid who has been caught with their hand in the cookie jar and i thought well no point in digging myself deeper in the shit so admitted that i had been outside for a cigarette and He said He knew i had, i think as well though if i have done something i know i shouldnt have i do have a guilty look so that would have given me away anyway, i would have told Him and my theory was to wait until later when He had had a few more to drink.

I know i shouldnt decieve Him in anyway regardless of how trivial it is such as with the cigarette and im lucky that He didnt pursue the issue and punish me although i think it went in my favour that He genuinly did forget and as i had had a few to drink as well i forgot myself. Also at this time we was together that evening after He had fallen asleep i awoke in the early hours and was aroused, He was asleep and i masturbated without His permission i didnt tell Him until after i was home and rightly so He punished me for this. I am not proud of myself and as i write this i feel ashamed of my behaviour but at that time in my defence i didnt want to tell Him in the morning because i knew that it would mean punishment and as it was our last morning i didnt want to end the weekend on a negative note and this was my was of justifying my actions to myself. However now as time has gone on i know that if this situation was to happen again (although i highly doubt it would) i would tell Him as soon as was possible (not when He is asleep) so i am improving on how i think and how i act, still have a way to go but bit by bit im getting there.

The point im trying to make is albeit not very sucessfully is as much as i may not want to tell Him something for whatever reason, even if its something He is unaware of it is His right to know if it pertains to us or my development as His slave. So in this respect no i dont have the right to keep thoughts to myself.

so where does sex fit in?

I thought i would find this relatively easy to talk about because i am very comfortable discussing sex, it isnt something i consider the most important aspect of our relationship and i dont connect sex with intimacy it is a physical act the same as being whipped or caned is a physical act. It certainly isnt the most important aspect of our relationship although it features heavily especially as nearly always any sexual activity occurs during or after any s&m play which is an important aspect of our relationship. Where i am finding the subject difficult is im undecided whether or not i need any sexual activity myself during s&m, im inclined to say no because i can get the sexual "buzz" i crave from an activity i enjoy, for example being caned in a way i like satisfies my need for relief and i have at times come close to having an orgasm on pain alone so it wont surprise me when i actually do and i certainly find it easier and more intense to orgasm when pain is involved.

Naturally i enjoy having orgasms and am fortunate that very rarely am i denied if i should ask permission to cum, however this is usually when i am being physically stimulated to the point of orgasm anyway whether it be by Him or by me masturbating, without this direct stimulation though i dont have a need to orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. Another way of putting it is i am just as happily satisified by giving Him sexual pleasure whether this be by sucking His cock or being fucked in the ass or whatever else He may desire. But then i have considered what if He chose for whatever reason no sexual activity at all during or after any s&m play, how would i feel? i dont honestly know it would depend on the circumstances although as i said earlier because generally i get a sexual "buzz" from pain anyway i dont think i would be disappointed, and i cant speak for Him so am unsure of whether or not it has same effect on Him albeit in a different context being as He is the one giving the pain.

I do have though an obsession with sucking His cock it is definitley my favourite sexual activity, and i do tend to seek this more so after any pain, even with the upcoming punishment i have due one of my first questions was will i be allowed to suck His cock immediatley afterwards, but i have had conflicting arguments with myself over whether i should be allowed to or not. Of course i want to say yes because i love it and it would make the punishment less of an ordeal knowing that afterwards im getting what i want even though He may desire it also, but then i have to begrudgingly admit that its not a good idea, i think i need to realise for my own improvement that punishment should not be associated with any form of pleasure which at the moment i am. Im comforting and reassuring myself with the fact that i will get to suck His cock afterwards so therefore the punishment will be worth it, ultimatley its up to Him of course but i think personally and as much as it does pain me to admit it in order for the punishment to be effective i shouldnt be allowed any immediate pleasure afterwards.

In regards to sex and intimacy i dont as i said in the first paragraph put the two together, however there are some sexual activities that i am not permitted to do with anyone else most notably anal sex, this is something that is for Him only. As far as intimacy goes to me this is when im in His arms, lying in bed talking openly, He knows my every fantasy and desire, what i crave and what i fear and thats far important to me than sex.

must be better im having pervy thoughts

I must be feeling better im having pervy thoughts, thinking of things i would like to do when im with Master, and im lucky that He does usually indulge me if i request something i would like to do probably because He enjoys it also. I think we are lucky that we are both compatible in the respect that we both have very perverted minds although He is definitley far worse than me and i thought i was bad enough, the more degrading something is the more arousing i find it and sometimes i get frightened about how far i/we could go. The one concern i do have is should some things be left to fantasy could trying something extreme that i fantasize about push me over the edge? and where does it end?

Im a firm believer in that what people (consenting adults) choose to do in private really cannot be regarded as being perverted, and even in bdsm there are aspects that may not appeal to some for example watersports, Master enjoys this a great deal and i do to a certain extent still coming to terms with drinking His piss but as a whole i enjoy it. I dont have any inclination to be involved in scat at all, i had a memo once from someone before i met Master saying that it was an activity they enjoyed, fair enough but its not for me yet i can understand the appeal.

I do find it sometimes disturbing that i relish the prospect of being degraded, i want to be used whether this be sexually or as an object to inflict pain on simply because He desires it, to be left bound until He wants to make use of me. I do admit though i couldnt handle this on an ongoing basis, a couple hours a whole day or evening yes but i would need the security of knowing that eventually i would be in bed in His arms and thats what makes it bearable and enjoyable because i know no matter if He chooses to treat me this way there is always a cuddle and reassurance at the end.

self-esteem

I have spoke to Master briefly which was nice and unexpected, i miss Him terribly and its made me realise how dependant i am on Him especially emotionally as i do have irrational worries sometimes and at these moments i need His reassurance that everything is fine even though i know it is. I got a rotten cold which has knocked the wind out of me usualy i can hold them off but this one has me beaten, im drugged up to my eyeballs which propably isnt a good idea since im in the classroom and in the office everyday but nurofen capsules are whats getting me through each day.



I have lost a bit of weight during the summer and am a little more happier with my figure as it is something that i do stress about even though Master has said He loves my body it is something im concious of, especially with the thought of meeting others im very insecure about myself and i just know i will be comparing myself with the other women i know this is wrong as it is my problem and i wish i could say i was happy with the way i am but im not. Im wandering if this is the main reason why i really want to be hooded or blindfolded as i then wont have to face anybody, i can hide behind the mask so to speak without the fear of having to appear confident when im not.

It does concern me that i have low self esteem because im aware that it does reflect on my behaviour and attitude, i tend to get very defensive over issues that are a big deal to me such as behaving/dressing like a slut in public its not something i have the confidence for, in private just the two of us yes but i know one negative comment from anyone and it would hit me hard emotionally, i havent the confidence to shrug it off it would eat away at me. I know that when we meet up and it comes to meeting the couple i will be a nervous wreck, already im getting anxious thoughts running through my head, what if they dont like me?, what if i do/say something wrong?, what if i dont like them?, what if i cant cope with it all? and this is when i miss Him the most because i cant express these thoughts via text open to misinterpretation and nor do i want Him to have any concerns whilst we have limited contact.

age and intelligence

Well first day been and gone and it was bearable but then its early days, had some mail on collarme from a 20yr old domme which i replied to in a not very polite and respectful way but then when the initial introduction is "hello, i will show you how pain is pleasure" its hard to construct a decent response. Now i admit and always have that i do have an attitude problem when it comes to dominant women i find them difficult to relate to on any level, i have said to Master on several occassions women are natural bitches and dominant women even more so, i would go as far to say that they are probably more cruel than any man. I do admit though that this is mainly my instinct that makes me feel this way and looking through female dominants profiles its no wander, half of them are hardly out of there teens and the other half either want money or perfection okay maybe im exagerrating but it sure does seem this way.

Whilst i fully understand that everybody has to start somewhere to gain experience and i appreciate that it must be hard to be taken seriously in some cases especially the more younger you are the harder i believe you have to work to sell yourself to someone, unless someone is intentionally seeking someone with whom to develop together. Before i formally committed to Master i had the usual amount of mail (basically inundated) and a few from younger men and whilst i always replied i tried to be tactful in my reply without causing offence but they would always end up asking if it was their age that i was against.

It was their age that was a problem for me, im sure some of them were very nice and experienced but my preference is for older men at least 10yrs older than me and its not something i was willing to compromise on no matter how compatible they may have been. Its important to me that someone is experienced not only in bdsm but about life in general and is able to interest me outside of bdsm so i also wanted someone that was more intelligent than myself, and i would say im fairly intelligent certainly capable of holding my own in most conversations but i wanted someone i can learn from as well.

I also know that just because someone is older does not necessarily mean that they are experienced or indeed able to hold a conversation, i admit i do have quite a vicious tongue and can be a complete bitch which is not something im proud of as i do have a tendency to use this against someone whom is shall we say lacking upstairs. Do i think men are above women? no i dont but then neither do i believe in female supremecy, do i think im on an equal footing with Him? no i dont and i dont want to be we are not equal i defer to Him not the other way round. I do however see myself as equal to other dominants, im submissive by nature and therefore my demeanour reflects that but im not their sub/slave and i treat them as i would any other person, this is not only what i prefer but what Master prefers basically i am submissive only to Him unless specifically told otherwise.

enemas and anal!!!

Well He is away for 2 weeks and today is the first day that contact will be at a minimum and im convinced its going to drag by, thankfully im working extra hours for 2 weeks which i dont usually do so im glad they coincided at least my mind will be occupied. Im trying to focus on meeting up when He gets back and i have been busy looking up on the internet for new toys, trouble is there is so much i would like im having problems narrowing the list down, definitley an enema kit is top of the list as the rule is i have to clean Him using my tongue after He has cum i figured this is a must have....dont think i need to elaborate on why.



On the subject of enema kits and i havent had one used on me before it is something im keen to try, i like the humiliation of it however it has occurred to me that as anal sex is something that we both enjoy and therefore tends to be a regular occurrence i thought its not likely that im going to be given an enema everytime and i must say umm well i dont fancy cleaning off something that has been in my ass, im wandering if i can state this comes under scat which is a hard limit, shall have to put this to Him when He comes home. I didnt think i would enjoy anal sex as much as i do and im glad that Master has decided it is something that is only between us, no one else will be allowed to use my ass, i think its important to retain some activities just for ourselves i wouldnt ever wanted to be handed over to someone to do with as they wish, i prefer to be only His to do with as He wishes.

is it abuse?

When does being a slave become being an abused women?

something i read a while a back got my back up and its something i knew i had to address at some point so if i offend anyone tough ultimatley these are my opinions. I chose to be a slave and i chose to take this path with Him and to some extent these are where my choices ended. The limits i have are those that He has so anything other than those limits are not negotiable and lets be realistic its not like He is going to ask me to jump off a cliff or cut off my finger just had to point that out because there are some who do actually ask a slave if they would do that, maybe some would thankfully my Master is of a sane mind, sadistic yes but thats a whole different issue.

Obviously im biased of course i think He is great most if not all subs/slaves think their Masters are wonderful and due to the nature of M/s relationships the basis is on the slave pleasing their Master no matter of their own discomfort. But He is human and as such is capable of making mistakes just as any other human being does and there may be occasions when He makes a decision that isnt the right one and it has a negative and damaging effect on me. Now ultimatley as the responsibilty of my welfare lies with Him and i know Him and trust Him enough to know that He would never do anything intentionally that would have damaging effects, that should it happen i would think no less of Him.

So does this mean i am in a position of being vunerable to abuse or am i so blindsighted i dont realise i am actually being abused?

Well abuse to me is if He was to intentionally neglect my welfare and to have total disregard to the effects His actions or decisions have on me. No i may not agree with all what He may say or do and i may get upset on occasions and struggle to comply, but this is the role i have chosen to undertake and it cannot be half chosen to suit me. He is a sadist there are going to be times im in a lot of pain and im not liking it, there are going to be moments when He treats me like a common whore and i feel worthless but these are only parts of the whole picture.

Im happy with how i am developing, a few problems but overall its going well im certainly more happier now i have come to terms with being a slave and all that it entails, so am i a victim of abuse no do i like being abused absolutley and if someone doesnt know the difference between the two then they best not comment on something they dont understand.

acceptance of being a slave

Over the last week events have occurred that has made me really think long and hard about going down the path of enslavement, can i be what He wants me to be, i debated with myself is it what i want?, am i ready for this? i had doubts moments when i just wanted to forget everything and walk away but i cant because it is what i want i think, as for being ready well im ready as i ever will be it wont be easy but then anything really worth acheiving rarely is.

Without a doubt i think i have been very fortunate to meet someone that is able to fulfil the needs i have and develop them and yes mould them to fit His needs, thats an issue that worries me, im scared that there will be no turning back.  Im scared because the level of control he wants and i know its not all going to be instant, but nevertheless in agreeing to this i am agreeing that "no" is not acceptable and a whole host of other things.

And i have asked for this, but what am i asking for? i mean thinking logically it cant be that difficult im submissive thats a good start and its ok mostly apart from when He gets all fussy about how he would prefer my submission!, i like a lot of kinky things and i dont need to do the things i dont like.  How much control can one person really have over another.  Im confused.

He said i can ask Him what i like but i dont know what i should be asking, and what is it with all the needing to know how i feel and what i think, i do not like being interrogated.  Time He says, it will take time to adjust, will be difficult He says at times, is He trying to talk me out it?

I thought i had it all sorted in my head, now im not so sure.

found the perfect gag

I dont seem to be doing so well over the last few days, it just seems that no matter what i cant do right its frustrating because the will is there but before i realise it i have said or done something wrong. I asked to be punished for my attitude which i found difficult because obviously im dreading the caning as it is and He decided i should be whipped on the breasts as well and i cant handle the whip very well.

Im wandering if im behaving the way i am because of the fact He is going away for 2 weeks and im finding that difficult, i think im also anxious about the weekend when we meet with this couple and along with the punishments which i do deserve it just seems to be a lot to face in one weekend and im scared i wont cope with it all at once.

I am though content and realise that i do need Him to be harder on me when necessary because i know that if i think i can get round Him once i will try it again and again, i need the consistency and more importantly i need to know that certain behaviour is not acceptable. I will however be much happier when the Saturday arrives and everything im not looking forward to is over and i have Him to myself and any activities we may do then although some i may find difficult is easier to handle because its not punishment, and hopefully will involve lots of the elements i do like.

On a change of note (i dont wont to dwell on the punishments anymore they have been decided so that is that), i have seen a gag i really would like at first it was the jennings gag but Master sent me some information on spider gags which are even more appealing. I like them simply because they hold the mouth open and as i like degredation my first thought was this gag would be great for watersports. I do struggle with the idea of watersports and although He pees on me and i have drunk a little i admit its not something i like i mean it doesnt exactly taste pleasant in fact its bloody disgusting. But this is where i do like the element of being "forced" when i saw the gag i immediatley thought it would be really degrading and humiliating to be in bondage, gag in and have to drink His piss well with that type of gag i wouldnt have a choice and thats exactly what i like it for and im intending on getting one and i cant see Him saying no to that.

an apology

Sir im sorry for my attitude in the last post and on the phone to You, i guess i still have a lot to learn about controlling my tantrums because that is what they are, i wanted to post my apology here because what i said was public to anyone that should happen to read it and disrespectful to You so its only fit i should apologise here.

I know You are punishing me for the right reasons and i deserve it, and i deserve to be punished for having the attitude i did although You said you wouldnt on the phone im asking You to because i need it, i looked at the post i made the other day when i talked about graceful submission and how its where i want to be, so You see i should be punished because i didnt accept your decision as i should have done.

Your slave
tori

Im up to 7 strokes now so am not feeling as positive as what i was when i wrote earlier blog, im pretty much terrified at the prospect i seem to be having low and high moments in the last few days and this is definitley a low moment to the point im dreading meeting up its all i can focus on right now and not in a positive light.

I had forgotten some of the instructions He gave me yesterday regarding what i was to do whilst He is away for a fortnight, so am posting them here as a reminder to myself i dont want to and i feel pissed off that He is making me.

i am to practice deepthroating on a cucumber for 15 mins per day

i am to fuck myself in the cunt and ass with cucumbers, increasing depth each time

whilst i am doing the above i am to have nipple clamps attached

i am to text Him when i have finished

When the punishment was first decided (thanks to topaz, and yes im being sarcastic) i said to her afterwards that it would end up being more than 3, not because i knew i would do anything intentionally to add to them but because i knew He would pick up on everything i say or do to add to them.

Im also hurt and annoyed that He suggested that if anymore were to be added He may well have to get someone else in to apply them, He promised me that no-one else would get to punish me its something that is important to me and a definite no-no so it upset me when He mentioned it.

Anyway i have been made to post the instructions and i have, this blog was meant to be for me to come to freely and openly when i liked and now i feel like its being used as a tool to humiliate me.

feeling positive

Feeling a lot more positive, it has helped that i have changed the way i view things instead of looking at the punishment in a negative aspect im seeing it as a necessary act to correct my behaviour so obviously its not meant to be enjoyable. I also know that as i tend to get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from the pain and the marks afterwards that most likely within 20 or so minutes after its over i will be peeking at my marks in the mirror and desperate to get at His cock (scrap that as soon as its over i will be desperate to get to His cock). I know that this caning is not the worst punishment He could inflict on me i dont think any form of physical pain is (may change this view at a later date) i would be far more upset should He not allow me to sleep with Him or denies me pain i enjoy but without a doubt the worst would be to deprive me of contact with Him whether this be physical or just talking.

I tend to not seek sexual gratification for myself after any form of pain, i want more to serve Him sexually and i get my pleasure from that and wouldnt be disappointed if i was not given sexual relief although i usualy do if He allows it. Im trying hard not to think of Him having sexual contact with another sub im not generally a jealous person and at the end of the day what we have is more than just sex, its not about sex to me, but i cant deny i will find it difficult to witness. It has been on my mind for a while not to the point that its causing me problems i have accepted that it will happen and im secure in my position as His slave to take it for what it is sex albeit in the context of bdsm.

why do i put myself through this?

um im a bit concious of what i write in case its misinterpreted and i want to be able to write freely here its become my sounding board somewhere i can come to put my thoughts down whether there right or wrong. I feel alone at the moment and having one of those "why do i put myself through this" moments i dont get them often and when i do its usually when im anxious and scared about something, and then i feel like a failure because i shouldnt feel like that and then i get angry because why shouldnt i feel like this im human after all.

Im scared no actually terrified of the up and coming caning and im up to 5 strokes now for talking to Him in an inappropriate manner, probably hasnt helped that i recently watched a video of a malaysian man being judicicaly caned it made me feel sick, and its not about me not understanding that i need to be punished i accept that but its the fear of the unknown but with the knowledge its going to be horrible. Im scared it will change the way i view the cane i love it under normal circumstances and i dont want to end up fearing it, i think its the waiting as well that doesnt help it gives me time to brood on it and work myself up so that in itself is self-torture.

Its not about fearing or being terrified of Him because im not, He makes me nervous sometimes and yes scared especially when He is in one of His sadistic moods and when im being punished, but i trust Him so that reassures me that even at the worst of times i am safe. I think at the moment its a combination of really looking forward to seeing Him yet intermixed with the fear of the punishment and meeting this other couple and i want to please Him i want to behave as He expects me to but im scared of failing.

I may well wake up tomorrow and look at it all in a different light, i hope so i have just spoke to Him briefly online and mentioned some of what i have said here and i feel a little better, its easier because i love Him and i know even when He is at His most sadistic that He loves me to and i do love you Sir very much.

So i guess i put myself through this because i need it, want it and i wouldnt want it with anyone else but You.

graceful submission

I have spent the last few days trying to think of ways and means to distract or change the punishment i have due, i have bought some nice underwear thinking that seduction may well work in my favour and if all else fails begging for mercy not that this seems to help much either. In fact i have spent more time thinking of how to get out of it that it has distracted me on why im being punished in the first place, i have realised i do this because then i dont have to focus on what i have done wrong, i focus on what nasty thing He intends doing to me and try and justify to myself that He is being intentionally nasty because afterall i am attempting to make it up to Him, so in effect turn Him into the "bad" person and can then console myself with what horrible thing He has done to me.

It wasnt until last night when i really sat down and thought things through that it occurred to me that behaving this way isnt an attractive trait to have, when we spoke last night i said i would like Him to take me to a club and He said only when i can obey without hesitation and thats what made me think, i should take my punishment gracefully and accept it without any attempt to delay, change or get out of it. I found an intresting thread last night concerning graceful submission ie. the ability to accept willingly and without resistance any kind of a decision or choice a Master may make. I want to be like this its what im aiming for and i think its a matter of me changing how i view situations and not over analyzing anything He may decide which i tend to and therefore make something relatively simple into a big issue like with the punishment, im being punished because i disobeyed Him and i deserve it as simple as that.

I dont think its something that will happen immediatley its going to take time and effort to get to that point, but if the will is there i believe i can do it and for me the first step is to accept the punishment without any resistance it wont be easy because naturally im scared there is no point in trying to convince myself otherwise it is going to really hurt and in a really unpleasant way, so why dwell on what will happen. I really want to try and focus when we meet up on accepting the inevitible instead of fighting against it and hopefully if i do well He may decide i have improved enough to take me to a club, but ultimatley i want to do it for Him and for myself.

shopping

I plan to go shopping tomorrow, He is away for the weekend and i miss Him as usual as contact is minimal so i plan to shop until i drop take my mind off things, might buy some items of clothing that He likes but generally just shop. Im going with a vanilla friend so it will be a nice girly day, shopping, lunch, gossiping more shopping, im looking forward to it i feel that in some ways i have negelected my friends not intentionally so it will be nice to spend some time with her on our own.



I dont talk about Him and bdsm in the vanilla world (as i call it) mostly because of my situation and its something that many people wouldnt understand and i dont see that i should have to justify myself, she is my only female vanilla friend that knows and she is very open minded so i can talk to her although even then only to a certain degree, i wouldnt want to taint our friendship by overloading her with details that she wouldnt understand, she finds it amusing and refers to it as kinky sex with extras which always makes me laugh if thats what she thinks and is happy with that then why elaborate.

I dont talk about my vanilla life here because i want this blog to be about how i am developing as a slave and my thoughts and feelings of us, the good times and the difficult times. Thankfully we havent had any problems that have caused us to lose sight of whats important, i cant speak for Him but to me its important to remember what brought us together and keeps us together. He is my friend, my lover, i can laugh with Him, take the piss (occasionally), but most important of all He is my Master.

so much for a punishment free weekend!

Im disappointed with myself, i was so determined to get to the weekend with Him without any punishments due i wanted it to be a positive weekend and now its tainted through my own fault. I was supposed to contact Him at a set time but logged onto the internet and was talking to topaz and she is so easy to talk to that i lost track of time completley and i forgot, and even worse when He popped up online i still didnt remember until He reminded me, saying He wasnt amused would be an understatement i think.



I knew as soon as He reminded me that i had forgotten i would be punished and i know i deserve it what i didnt expect was when He told me to ask topaz how she thought i should be punished, it fit the occassion i guess, i was talking to her when i should have been talking to Him. I felt humiliated and not in a nice way having to ask her and it was just my luck that we had only moments early talked about me and her that is about being caned without a warmup and how i had never had that before and it wasnt something i wanted either, and yes i couldnt believe it that was what she suggested (revenge will be sweet topaz, as i know you will read this lol), and to top it off i had to thank her for suggesting the punishment.

The only saving grace was she suggested 3 strokes which is bad enough but if left to Him i think it would have been more, He said that i will recieve them as soon as we meet up and when He arrives im to be in position and ready to receive them im not going to find this easy as it will have been a while since i have seen Him i would rather have started off with a kiss and a cuddle. Im going to brood on it for a while now because the thought of it scares me so far i admit i have gotten off reasonable lightly with punishments but this isnt going to be light at all, and He is so cold when im being punished i hate it yet i know thats the whole point im not meant to enjoy any aspect of it.

Im also concious of the fact that im going to have to be extra careful until we meet up not to behave in any way to add to the strokes, and 3 may not seem a lot to many but it is to me i have never been caned without a warmup and have never received really hard strokes and these will be, i suspect He will draw blood. I do though fully accept and understand why im being punished and that it is deserved, this doesnt make it easier and i know that i will most likely when the time comes try and beg to get out of it but He wont back down and i dont want Him to because i need the security of knowing He will do what He says He will.

acting up

I get times when i seem to act up and i dont know why because if i go too far it tends to result in me being subjected to something unpleasant, He threatened me with holly the other day as in putting it in my underwear, now that does not sound nice even in a not nice way, i wasnt being enthuastic about licking my fingers after having them in my cunt in fact i tend to be very blunt towards Him which im aware of and if im honest its intentional, a bit like a teenager stomping loudly up the stairs when there not getting there own way.

Had a brief interesting conversation with a friend online last night and it came up about subs/slaves disobeying to seek attention and the person in question said that this is common and normal behaviour, i can understand this but as the attention i get is not nice at all if i disobey it is not something i think i would conciously provoke. However im concious that maybe i have pushed Him sometimes not to invoke punishment intentionally but to test the boundries, find out what He will say/do (usually ends with me being very sorry and regreful), i dont think though i do it for attention i much prefer to have His attention in a positive aspect than negative. I have picked up that i sometimes get a "Hmm" from Him and usually i think this is when im maybe going just a little too far, although i maybe wrong.

new toys, new experiences

He has bought a new toy, wont tell me specifically what but i think it is definitley something electrical with attachments, possibly ones that are insertable, which i did a while back say i would like to try, note this was before i tried the electric box He has which is nice on a low setting but not so nice when set high. I could however be completley wrong but i have been thinking about it most of last night and cant see what else it could possibly be, He has said i will enjoy it which translates as i probably wont.



We have set a date to meet with a couple and now a date is actually confirmed im a little apprehensive i have got my head around the idea of serving a women sexually my only worry is that she will expect me to respond naturally and kiss and caress her i know i wouldnt be able to do that, in time yes but not now. If i had my way i would be blindfolded the whole time but i cant see Him agreeing to that but from my point of view it would make it easier, but then i think to a certain degree He is enjoying the fact that im not looking forward to it and therefore doesnt want to make it all too easy. I know i wouldnt be punished as long as i try my best and make an effort which i will so im not concerned that i would behave in any way to show Him up i wouldnt do that in any situation anyway.

Im feeling really great now that we have set a date to meet up i have missed Him and it seems to be a long time since we last saw each other, im looking forward to having a few hours on our own before meeting the couple, time hopefully spent well which for me is on my knees sucking His cock then a caning then a nice ass fucking, more caning ooh and breast torture fit that in somewhere and then off to meet the couple.

defining our relationship

Long before i met my Master, as young as maybe middle teens, i knew i had these strange desires but didnt have a label to fit them, i wasnt sure if the feelings i had were normal at all and didnt have the courage to talk to anyone, i mean how do you talk to someone about having the urge to be beaten. Eventually with the aid of the internet i realised that it wasnt just me that there were names for how i felt, and i spent a while reading constantly about the lifestyle some of it i found very frightening and shocking and it was a while before i took the plunge to actually set out to meet someone.

When i did meet this Dominant initialy it was a relief to be able to confirm to myself that i do enjoy this, as it was my first D/s experience i didnt know any different, he wasnt abusive physically but mentally i always felt a failure, he never made me feel good about myself no matter how hard i tried, and eventually i doubted myself and then him and his behaviour and realised it wasnt right and it ended.

I convinced myself for a while afterwards that i had got it out my system and it wasnt for me and should move on, but you cant change your basic nature, the urge to be controlled, the desire for pain is a big pull and eventually i started to look once more. Oh god the trawling through the trash is unbelievable, the cock pictures for goodness sake, like im interested much prefer someone that can stimulate my brain as well as my body. The mail from Him was different in the respect it wasnt a typical "knees bitch" and in most cases i always replied unless it was blatant trash, but in His case i made more of an effort to form a reply as He had made the effort with His message. We appeared well matched i admit to being dubious about the sadist part im ashamed to admit when i thought of sadists i conjured up images of being brutally used and abused and not in a consensual way so i was wary.

But we met up we got on really well and a cliche i know but we did hit it off and it became quickly a very intense relationship, i definitley think communication plays a huge part i can talk to Him about anything without the fear of being labelled a freak, He listens to my fears and i feel safe with Him my welfare is important to Him and im secure in the knowledge He thinks too much of me to put me in any situation that i am not prepared for or cannot handle.

Through lots of open and honest communication we established boundries, what areas we wished to explore more of or should i say i want to explore more of as He has a vast more experience than me, i struggled with identifying as a masochist but more so i have struggled with the fact that i get off on being pushed further than i want to be, i need and prefer to have no choice. This seems an area that is open to lots of misunderstanding and it has made me realise that i am very lucky to have met someone that understands these needs i have, i have always tried to respect other peoples dynamics i may not understand them but i respect them, as i would like to think that they do ours, but this is often not the case it appears to me that if you dont "fit" with how some people define bdsm then its abuse, i have put this down to ignorance.

I am proud to be in what i define as a consenual bdsm relationship, yet as im a big fan of humiliation and dehumanization i love being "forced" to do things that im not that keen on, an example that explains this perfectly is i dont relish the prospect of serving a women at all yet i find the idea of having to to please Him at these times extremely arousing, i get off on His control i crave it because i need it as simple as that. He has said i dont have to if i dont want to and i was mortified i said to Him i dont want a choice and i dont, the way i see it is i trust Him enough to let Him guide me because ultimatley thats what it comes down to trust.

im a number!!

I am a number, my Master has registered me on the Slave Register my number is 449-265-661 and i plan to have it engraved on a tag to wear. It means a lot to me and im very proud and happy to belong to Him, i know it wont always be easy especially when He is feeling particularly sadistic but the rewards are more than worth it even if i may not think that at the time. I just need a nice black collar now (yes Sir thats a hint) to attach the tag to when we are together and before i thought i would be concious of wearing one out and about but i dont anymore when im with Him i want to wear it regardless of what people may think.

He also mentioned getting my nipples and clit pierced and i thought it would be nice to have nipples done around our birthdays which are close together in November, im feeling quite positive about the prospect of having them done although i doubt i will feel that way as the time nears, He thinks once i have tried needles i will grow to enjoy them so maybe it wont be so bad, although i think i will try and delay having clit done for as long as i can get away with.

have i progressed?

I have been banned from speaking to Dominants unless i have permission from Him, which i dont mind as i think it will avoid any unpleasantness and i do think it is a matter of respect that they should go through Him first. I appreciate that everybody may have different dynamics on how they work and what is acceptable to them, i have re-assessed how i think and how i see myself in terms of my relationship with Him and the values that are important to me.

Before we met it never occurred to me that i would want or need the level of submission that i have now nor did i anticipate that it would become a large part of my life, i have two lives one vanilla and one as slave to Him and i need them both equally. Its not always easy because of the distance and our situations however i try to focus on the postive aspects, it helps me that i do enjoy the mental aspects of submission not just the physical, i dont need to be whipped and fucked (as nice as that may be) to prove or demonstrate my submission to Him.

What is important to me is knowing the boundries of our dynamic, and i am motivated by wanting and needing to explore the mental aspects, in particular not just acting as a slave but thinking as one which will take time as i know i have a way to go yet. It maybe only little things but slowly bit by bit i realise that i have changed i very rarely if at all ask permission to masturbate when initially i used to a lot, it just seems to have happened i cant pinpoint when but i know why, i dont ask because its not for me to decide when i should have pleasure and i prefer it this way.

All in all i am happy with how i have developed i didnt imagine that this is where i would be six months ago, and i wander where i will be at in six months time, i certainly would like to be at the point where i dont put up any resistance and obey immediatley and ask for things i may dislike just to please Him.

missing You

Im worrying about my ability to give You what you want, i want to be able to take as much pain as You choose to give me but im scared i wont be able to, i know i dont have a safeword and i have no regrets in giving it up and as of yet there has not been an occassion where i would have used it if i had it still, so im confident in my abilty to be able to take a certain amount of pain even the bloody whip that i detest at the time its used i do enjoy the sensations afterwards.

We talked about the issues of jealousy, and no im not jealous at the prospect of You having sexual activity with someone else, but im jealous that someone else will be able to take the amount of pain that i know You enjoy giving that im not able to at the moment. Im scared that if this happens i wont be enough for You anymore, i know im being irrational and i believe You when you say You wont leave me but i guess im feeling a bit down, i miss You as your away and am unable to talk to You about my feelings as right now i just need Your reassurance.

Im scared of how i feel to the point that i just want to endure anything You put me through because i need You.