Subtle

So its all over for another year, and as much as i love it (xmas that is) im now needing to get the house back to some sort of normal, i dont like chaos and xmas is always chaotic what with being inundated with family (why do they always want to come here!) and i dont like being out of routine, every year i plead my case to just pack up and bugger off out of it but its never going to happen.

I need re-centering...to be.

Lately i have realised im craving objectification and humiliation more than i am s/m, not saying i dont feel the need for pain as i do but im leaning more towards the mental aspects, and i need it most when there is disruption.   I have tended to look for pain to sate my masochistic needs but emotional sadism is enough, he can be cruel without having to inflict pain on me with 'tools', and i love it, it can be subtle or brutal....subtle sometimes has the biggest effect.

He does not need to shout, his voice is calm but demanding, his words need not be aggressive or fueled by anger but still they leave an impression, he does not need to say anything at all, his expressions, his stance, his eyes tell me all i need to know.....his silence can be deafening.

His dominance can be subtle and that is enough, when before i would need to have a physical demonstration of it ie via s/m to make me 'feel' submissive, to give me that sense of 'grounding' when i need it, im realising i dont need it, i enjoy it but i dont need it.

Signing off for Christmas

Last day of work today, its the latest the school has ever broken up for Christmas and the children are all wound up, we have had the nativity, class parties, Christmas Fayre and today will be a calm day..well as calm as it can get with a bunch of excited children!

So then its home, and i think im nearly done, few presents left to wrap, oh god the christmas food shop is left to do and thats always a nightmare, but its slowing down, the end is in sight and im ready to just relax and enjoy.

I wont be posting anymore before Christmas, althought i suspect i will be reading others whilst i sip away at my festive booze.

So i wish all of you whom celebrate a Happy Christmas and to those that dont well enjoy whatever you do do.

xx

Three wise women

Would have asked directions
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby
Brought practical gifts
Cleaned the stable
Made a casserole
and there would be
Peace on earth.

My mate sent me this and it made me chuckle especially after my rant to her, i was having a 'bad hair man day', the bossman was being completely unfair (in my eyes), we will ignore the fact that i mostly like the fact he can be unfair because at that moment it didnt suit me for him to be unfair...really why cant he just be unfair when i want him to be! ...*sigh* yes i know it doesnt work like that for us.

So yeah well i was seething all day and me and my big mouth just couldnt keep it contained any longer and i challenged him, and now im pissed at myself because why do i do it? i know he doesnt like it, and its not even smart or funny and i let myself down. 

I need 3 wise women at home, no scrap that i need a Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio to sit on my shoulder and be my consience, to tell me to shut up when i should, but failing that i will settle for a glass of the nice bottle of brandy that i had bought for me....well it is technically Christmas isnt it.

Playing with others (when it goes wrong)

We havent 'played' with others for over 2 years, when we did it was fun, but there was one time when it wasnt, it was just awful, it could have had a detrimental effect on our relationship but we got through it, we learnt a lot from that situation.

We knew this couple and they were active in the local scene, the dominant in the couple wanted the four of us to meet up privately, the bossman had his reservations initially but i got on well with the female submissive, unbeknown to me a plan was hatched between them, i was the only one that wasnt aware.

We got up one morning and he announced we were going out, i wasnt allowed to ask where, i did notice him packing up a bag with some 'toys' so i thought we were going to go somewhere isolated and play, it didnt cross my mind that we were going to meet others.

It was a long drive so we stopped off for breakfast and i had butterflies in my stomach, i dont like surprises so i was on edge, this got worse when he took out a blindfold and told me to put it on for the duration of the journey, and then we stopped, he got out and he was talking to someone in whispers, i just sat there, i dont want to say scared but definitley really nervous and anxious.

Then i was led into their home still blindfolded, straightaway i was told to strip, Master was talking to the other man and i picked up then who it was and i relaxed, there was some 'sexual play' between me and the other sub then Master and the other dominant (lets call him Mr H) caned me simeltanously before stopping for a break.

The submissive (miss t) who previously i had always got on with and liked was distant, didnt speak to me, i felt like i wasnt wanted there, i knelt quielty at Masters feet while he spoke with Mr H and i tried to initiate a conversation with miss t but her responses were brief and it was clear that it was an effort for her to talk to me.

Mr H took photos of me whilst i was lying naked next to Master, which i was surprised at Master allowing but i kept quiet.

It just went downhill from then on, Mr H was focused on me and i did feel sorry for miss t, she was sat on a sofa while her Master was seemingly more interested in using me which i didnt want to happen, he made me feel uncomfortable, i cant really put my finger on what exactly but i didnt want him touching me, they seemed so different than the people we knew, it was like i didnt know them at all.

It became clear that Mr H was just interested in me and i wasnt just imagining it, Master and miss t may as well not have been there, he told me crawl over to him and before i did i looked up at Master for his persmission which he gave and this irked Mr H he wanted me to obey him instantly without looking for direction from Master..but that wasnt going to happen unless i was told to by my Master.

He wanted to see me on the wooden horse and said that was what he planned next, Master interrupted at this point and said that it was up to me if i wanted to, at this point i knew Master had came to the same conclusion as me because for him to give me the decision he was letting me know i didnt have to and he wouldnt be disappointed if i refused...so i did.

Master then said it was time for us to leave, which Mr H was visibly annoyed about, he didnt get what he wanted, we left, it was strained but it was the aftermath when the shit really started.

It started with emails being sent to me by Mr H, which i passed to Master to read, i spoke to miss t and got an understanding of why she was so 'cold' towards me, at the time i was in my early 30's and Mr H and miss t were late 60's and MrH saw me as a younger bit of stuff to get his hands on, i dont blame her i would be angry as well if Master was willing to put me to one side just to get his hands on someone younger.

Master emailed MrH and there were threats made, he had photos of me, he knew our names and could expose us which generally if your active in the scene its respected that you dont 'out' people, it got nasty.  Miss t made a post on a uk bdsm site about what had happened, i was described as being "in a drugged up state" it was just awful.

I cried a lot, i was scared of the repercussions, my job, Masters job, my children, family etc, it was a nightmare, Master was more calm thank goodness and kept assuring me it would all be ok but i blamed him, he put us in that position and it was his fault, i trusted him to keep me safe and he failed, it rocked us for a while.

I realised later that i was taking it out on him because i needed to, but i know it wasnt his fault, we learnt a lot from it, and actually it made us stronger.

We have 'played' with others and have had great experiences, ones that i can look back and have fond memories of, will we again? i dont know, never say never i guess.

Ruled by cock

"If you take some more for me then you can have my cock"

Oh gosh am i really that desperate for it that i will endure more when i really dont want to, of course he could carry on anyway but think....carrot on a stick..but in this case cock on my man.

Its just tit torture is not my favourite, the nipple clamps are tight and with weights attached every little movement is torture when being hit with a riding crop right on the top of my tits, every blow illiciting whimpers but also sending signals straight to between my legs where im dripping, its hurting and dammit i want his cock.

"look at me"

Im in pain and aroused, the arousal is intensified when i look at him, his desire is evident, god i love to watch the man bring me pain, to see how much it excites him, to know that i am giving him this pleasure and this makes me want to suffer for him more...that and i want his cock.

Needles now, the pain just doesnt register anymore, i love the sensation of the needles pushing into the skin, watching him do his 'work', so focused on task, the way he looks at me as the needle goes in, both of us consumed in our desires, the 'dance' between sadist and masochist, so intimate, erotic and intense.

"knees"

Finally!  kneeling at his feet, i wait for my 'reward' and soon am eagerly sucking at his cock, and the sufferring was worth it.

Getting with the program

I have never associated being controlled with being robotic, robotic implies no feeling, no emotions etc and i have those, there is i suppose the element of 'programmed' behaviour, years of following his rules and submitting to his preferences have indoctrinated it into me how he likes me to behave, to be able to act accordingly whether he is with me or not.  It is learned behaviour.

For me personally i learn from him being consistent with his expectations (which is very important to me), from being held accountable (ie punished) when i disobey or behave in a way that does not please him, and from making mistakes. 

As with any relationship as time goes on you get used to each other, discover each others 'quirks', traits that we tolerate because we love them etc, a difference with M/s is that i have had to make more adjustments than he has, there is the element of no negotiation which there would be in the majority of vanilla relationships, if he really hasnt liked a trait of mine he will work on changing it, i have had to adapt to his preferences.

I dont mean completely changing me, its not about 'ridding' me of my personality, im submissive but i cant say that submitting came naturally, its needed coaxing out, its always been there but years of previous indoctrination by society's, family and friends expectations have made it difficult to adjust to enslavement in some ways.

But as the years have gone by it has got easier, there is progress (even when i cant see it) by no means do i think im completley 'there' but im comfortable with our relationship and how its progressed, im pretty sure there are times he has felt like strangling me but then that feeling is mutual. 

Im beginning to have a clearer understanding of what consensual enslavement means to us, or him to be more precise, i had and have my own ideas but they dont always 'mesh' with his and thats when i get conflicted because i want him to see from my perspective and alter the path he has chosen to take us down. 

Its not me who chooses, its him, i dont have control.

If you should stumble

Occasionally it may well happen that a vanilla person may stumble accross one of the 'kinky' blogs, curiosity may make them stay and read, it might prompt them to ask questions or they might think 'wierdos' and move on.

I read a post today and a comment was made by someone that had stumbled on this particular blog and the comment was offensive, i have had my fair share of 'nasty' comments and i try to ignore them but usually my sarcastic nature gets the better of me.  I wander what makes people make such disparaging comments on dynamics they clearly know nothing about, the kind part of me thinks its just a lack of understanding and its human nature to 'knock' something we fear, something we deem as not being 'normal'....or its just plain ignorance, they want to bitch for the sake of it...i dont know maybe they think they are being clever when really its quite sad.

I do think we all judge to one degree or another, it may not be intentional but it happens, i do think those in alternative relationships are perhaps more 'open' and tolerant of others, perhaps because of the very nature of some of these relationships not being considered the 'norm' by those that stumble accross us.

Anyway it just niggled me when i read this comment, i dont mind questions, opinions but to blatantly bash someone about something they clearly know nothing about just shouldnt be tolerated.

The stamp of approval

I have never followed the concept of 'submission is a gift' the idea of it makes me uncomfortable, but i guess its the way we interpret it and to me it smacks of meaning that the dominant should consider himself lucky that i have chosen to 'give' my submission to him.  Im of the mind that submitting to the bossman is a privilage and im grateful to him for taking my submission, to mould and shape as he wants...and for allowing me to submit to him.

I believe everyone no matter their race, religon or sex are equal, and therefore as human beings im equal to the bossman but within our relationship there is a huge amount of inequality and thats the way i like it.

He instructs and i obey, he gets to tell me what to do, i dont tell him, etc etc and then there is the matter of approval.

I have a need to seek and want his approval, he does not need nor want mine, im concious that what i say and how i act is something he would approve of, on the times i have behaved in a way he dislikes and he makes his displeasure clear im reduced to feeling like a scolded child and it makes me feel sick to my stomach that i have disappointed him.

Im grumbling at the moment because i want pain and he isnt being too forthcoming, im allowed to ask for it but a no is a no and not negotiable, sulky/bratty behaviour is a no, he has no tolerance for that so acting up to get pain would be pointless it would just result in him being disappointed, so im left with waiting...and fuck patience is so not my strongest point.

He likes me 'wanting' and even though im not enjoying it so much i am enjoying that its pleasing him keeping me in this state of want..so im making do with this tub of Ben and Jerrys ice cream as compensation.


Edited to add..this post started off going somewhere and then went off course!

Weight finally gone (the work issue)

The work scenario.  I have finally after all this time got confirmation that its over, the mother has come to her senses it appears.  The child in question is living with a relative along with a sibling and by all accounts is getting a chance at some sort of normality.

Its been difficult, stressful, i have been monitored at work, our procedures with dealing with vunerable children has been given an overhaul, i feel in one way that i have had to 'prove' myself, that i am fit to do my job and i havent liked it....i know its all been implented to protect us (as staff) and to learn from mistakes.

There was a time, maybe a couple of years ago that i considered working for social services but i wasnt sure i would be able to deal on a full time basis with the emotional impact of handling sensitive situations, now i know i couldnt. 

I feel like a weight has been removed from my shoulders, it knocked me back, made me doubt myself and my decisions, i did at one point consider walking away from it all (the job) but i have had great support from fellow staff, parents of the pupils i have worked with and most of all the children, they have given me strength, and they have kept me going.

And around we go again

I mentioned when answering Liebster award questions that i struggle with my masochism at times, not as much as i used to but i would be a liar if i said i was fully happy and content with my need for pain because im not.

Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.

I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.

When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought!  Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.

The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not.  There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?

Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism.  Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.

I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.

I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself. 

CNC (consensual non-consent)

Renne Rose wrote an interesting article about non consent, and its place in fiction http://www.reneeroseromance.com/2012/11/why-non-consent-is-hot.html?zx=2987ad86964a19aa  and its a topic that interests me but more so its place in ttwd.

We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.

There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.

Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed.  Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.

Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad.  This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!

Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.

Rulebreaker

So ancilla_ksst nominated me for the bloggy award (but she is naughty and didnt follow the rules! ok so i didnt either)and im going to answer the questions that she set.

1.  When did you realise you were kinky, if ever?

i had these urges of wanting to be controlled from mid-teens but i guess thats not a kink, so kink wise came late teens in a first relationship and i wanted to try spanking..it never happened but it didnt leave my head

2.  What is your favourite fantasy?

oh gosh, im lucky that the bossman has made a lot of my fantasies come real but there are still some i want to explore, crucifixtion is something i have a fantasy about...so yeah that would be it.

3.  What is the one fantasy you wish you could get out of your head, but keeps coming back? (if you have one)

being tied down and gangbanged by lots of men.....in reality this is not something i want because i know i couldnt handle it and he knows it too...so why the bloody hell do i fantasise about it?!

4.  Where do you feel most at home?

ok im going to be cheesy and say when ever im with my kids and the bossman

5.  What do you want most from the person your with? whether this be partner/dom/sub/slave/Master?

His control/dominance

6.  Why do you write a blog?

because i wasnt given a choice! but i got into it, then i took a 3 year break and came back start of this year, i do it because it gives me somewhere to put down these rambles in my head, it can help give me clarity and i love the interaction with others, its a great 'community'

7.  What is your favourite tv show?

Criminal Minds

8.  Favourite Dessert?

Sticky toffee pudding with lots and lots of fresh cream

9.  Favourite time of day?

Night

10.  Do you believe in god?/are you a spiritual person?

Im a christian but i have conflicts with my faith

11.  What is your favourite sexual position

anal with me on my stomach, hands held/secured behind my back, and head pressed down onto floor/bed..was that tmi lol

The Award thingy

Many thanks to Ward and June for the nomination, i do believe its a first for me!

Facts about me: im going to go with 5 vanilla and 6 kink related ones.

1.  Im incredibly shy in person and although i natter away on here, face to face im the person in the corner hoping no-one notices me.

2.  Im a night owl, and when i can get away with it its when im up cleaning, cooking, and blogging, mornings those who know me just dont talk to me for their own safety.

3.  I read a lot, rarely watch tv, prefer the radio.....i am a movie addict though and my dvd collection is well into the hundreds.

4.  I cant swim which is incredibly sad considering i live right by the sea, the open sea scares me.

5.  Im easy going and laid back, but drink vodka and i turn into a complete bitch so experience has taught me....dont drink it!

6.  Im extremely masochistic and this still gives me some bother at times, something im still not completley at ease with.

7.  I love being allowed to remove his boots and socks and worship his feet...it gives me that instant feeling of 'this is where i belong'.

8.  The cane is my favourite implement and i can take a hard caning, its not unusual for a good session with it for the strokes to go into the hundreds

9.  I can orgasm on pain and intense humiliation alone.

10. I dont follow the train of thought that 'submission is a gift'

11.  The wooden spoon however is something i will avoid at all costs, damn that thing hurts and not in a way i like.




The questions im answering:

1.  What is your favourite pizza topping?

Ham and mushroom

2.  What is your favourite eye colour?

Oh well i have never given this any thought so i am now! umm oh blue yes blue

3.  Who is your favourite actor/actress?

Liam Neeson so much so that i was pregnant with my son when i went to the cinema to watch Schindlers List and determined if i had a boy that I would name him Liam.

4.  What is your favourite song to sing in the shower?

Well i wouldnt exactly call it singing, screeching would be more accurate but i dont have a favourite, just what might be in my head at the time

5.  What is your favourite way to connect with your partner?

Ok perhaps might seem boring but lounging in front of the tv, eating take-away and chatting about anything and everything...putting the world to rights usually.

6.  Who is your favourite Author?

Love the classics so i will say CharlotteBronte.

7.  What is your favourite spanking memory?

Oh um gosh it has to be when the bossman broke my hairbrush whilst spanking me we both ended up laughing when moments before i was wailing my head off.

8.  Who do you find inspirational?

Well my gran who died a few years back was a huge influence in my life, an amazing woman that taught me many things.

9.  What is your favourite article of clothing?

oh thats an easy one, i have these pjamas that are comfy and perfect for wintry evenings to snuggle on the sofa.

10.  If you could meet a famous person living or dead, who would you have dinner with?

Hmm so many but well lets go for Charlie Chaplin

11.  If you could have any one wish, what would it be?

For my children to be happy and healthy in their lives.


Now the nominees, oh i hate this because i think everyone who blogs deserves some recognition because we are all putting ourselves out there and letting people in to parts of our lives.  Plus i follow a lot of blogs and i enjoy them all.

Im going to go for 3 that i picked at random (yes i know im a rule breaker) DancingBarez, joey and friends and ancilla_ksst.

The questions

1.  Where is your dream holiday destination?
2.  Whats your favourite food?
3.  What one thing would you change about yourself if you could?
4.  Name one thing that you love about your partner?
5.  Favourite film?
6.  Favourite spanking implement?
7.  What 3 famous people (dead or alive) would you have to dinner?
8.  How old were you when you lost your virginity?
9.  What colour is your bedroom decorated in?
10.  Do you have any pets?


Ok so i think that about covers it.

Oh rules..yes there are rules...

Well here you go....the small print (ok not so small)

• When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
• Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
• One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
• One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one's own blog!
• One pastes the award picture into one's blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them

Well i got to feel like it

I have it set up on my blog that comments on posts over a week old i moderate, i did this back when i worte the controversial abortion post and just havent got around to altering it.  So today i had a complaint on an older post from anon "you dont write about your s and m sessions anymore and I have yet to see a sex post"

Oh im sorry, see i blog what i feel like nattering about not to keep an audience happy, thats not to say i dont enjoy the interaction i do but i have to write like no one else will ever read it because otherwise i worry what people might think if that makes sense and if they like the post great if its not then hey thats fine as well, but just because i feel like it here you go.....

He beat me really hard then fucked me.

Could, should, would.

"I will do anything" sounds great until your confronted with 'anything', i have moments which i liken to 'pillow talk' when i tell him i will do anything for him mostly when im feeling vunerable, this isnt about having limits and holding back from the dominant its about being realistic.

A comment on my last post (about that yucky thing ewww!) asked "what if your Master wanted it" which is unlikely but it does bring about the question of how far would i go to please him? there are 3 words here that come to mind....could, would and should.   There was also an interesting observation of  "how do you deal with a demand for something that you and your partner have never agreed was a hard limit?"

Pleasing him is important to me and there are occassions i submit to things that i dont enjoy, his pleasure, needs and wants come before mine....but and this is a big BUT would he intentionally ask something of me that i could not cope with on a physical or more importantly an emotional level? something that would be damaging to us?

No. is the short answer.  Hence why i believe no-limits is an unrealistic concept, everyone has a breaking point, he doesnt want to break me down, he wants me to grow, to flourish, enforcing something on me that would be damaging...well thats no use to him.

I think when we start out on this journey of ttwd there is a level of uncertaintly to where it will lead, i couldnt have predicted i would be where i am now, i enjoy things i never thought i would, i have experienced things i didnt know about before i started this path.  There are more than likely going to be areas where one wants something more than the other and when its the dominant wanting something it is  conflicting because as his slave i want to be able to give him everything he wants and desires.

So yeah it comes back around to that good old fashioned talking....and listening....and sometimes (more often than not) its not resolved over night, when he is informed of the reasoning why i have difficulty with something then he can make a decision on whether to pursue the issue or not or just broach it at another time...growth and all that!

The important thing is he knows i want/need to please him and for the most part i am obedient so if a situation was to arrive where i balked at something he asked of me and in a serious way then its not something to be taken lightly.  I am all for being pushed, i like being pushed but the dominant needs to know his submissive very well, his/her triggers and to be able to separate fantasy from reality and the reality is yes i have fantasies who doesnt but some i know as much as they may turn me on in my head, if they were to happen it would be far too much that i could cope with.

Just because he is Master doesnt mean he could, should or would, its about taking responsibility and sometimes that means realising and accepting that "i would do anything"  has limitiations.

Ewww no....just no

So i got spam and for once it wasnt kitchen equipment, but instead a sex blog promising me all sorts of content the usual...anal, 3somes and felching!!! what it this i thought, am i missing something exciting, so i had to google it of course and well im missing something alright but exciting isnt the word i would use....ewwww comes to mind...i have found a new limit.

Now if it is indeed your thing then hey fair play im sure there are things i enjoy that people wouldnt but ewww (sorry but thats just all i have to say on it) i love his cum and im happy to lick it up where it goes, although i do prefer direct from the tap!

Then i was thinking (dangerous i know) well i know the theory and the practice of what goes up must come down in regards to anal sex (i really hope your not eating at this point!) so i know its not always very pleasant especially if you dont prepare ie enemas which we dont....so would i want to lick that from someones ass.....can i just say to clarify....ewwwwww no.

Mentoring, learning and yes late to the party, a twist on loving a lurker

So I missed Love a lurker day, so im going to just go with if your a lurker and you want to say hi, feel free anytime to or not, this is a nice community (and thats how i see it) or if your more comfortable just reading then thats enough as well.  So im just going to ramble about mentoring and a different perspective on blogging.

A few months back i was asked by a submissive if i would consider mentoring, i thought about it, discussed it with the bossman who said he wouldnt have a problem if i wanted to do it, but i decided that i didnt think it was something i could do.

I do think mentoring can be a good thing, sometimes i think how nice and helpful it would of been when i first discovered ttwd, to have someone to confide in, talk with that can understand and advise, it can be in the beginning quite a lonely place to be, and scary as well not knowing where to fit in, questioning if your desires are normal etc.

But i dont feel 'qualified' to mentor anyone especially as im still finding my own way along this path of consensual slavery, im still growing and adapting, my views, opinions and thoughts have changed over the years and perhaps will again in the future as i experience more.  But then i think how do you judge when someone is 'qualified' to mentor?  i dont think you can really but its just how i feel, there are so many answers i want for myself, and im like the eternal 2 year old at times with the never ending questions.

There is also that element of being impartial which i think is important if mentoring, what works for me and the bossman is right for us but not necessarily will be to someone else, im submissive but i have no doubt i would not be a compatible submissive to some dominants and likewise there are some dominants i know i couldnt submit to.

I have made lots of mistakes over the years, some i learnt from quickly and some im still learning, and he picks me up when i stumble, im his slave but im still realising what that means, i was so sure i knew when i first started out but then there are these lightbulb moments that come out of nowhere sometimes and blows everything you imagined it to be out the water....sometimes you have to go through experiences to fully realise and understand...these moments cant be 'taught' by anyone else they have to be lived.  But thats growth and thats always a good thing.

That being said im all for listening and learning from other people, and blogging is a great way to do this and i did recommend to this submissive that she perhaps start a blog, or just read some, to see all the different types of dynamics out there.   I love reading others blogs and i dont care how experienced or not someone is i read something and it makes me self reflect, question and thats always a positive thing.

No it doesnt compensate for actually experiencing something but thats no different to a lot of lifes situations, when i was 17 and in my first serious relationship i was damn confident that he was the one, i was young and i knew it all.....when i was pregnant with my son i was damn confident it would be a walk in the park..i mean how hard can it be looking after a baby, as i trained for my job i was confident that i was prepared and ready to face a classroom of children, when i got in my first D/s relationship i put him on a pedestal and he was god to me.

Then you start experiencing and learning and everything you thought you were so damn sure about is questioned, its ok to make mistakes, its ok to stand up and say "this is not what i thought it would be like" and ttwd is like this, but this is positive, its growing....i admit when i first got with the bossman and went down the route of enslavement i knew it all....i did too..i have blog posts to prove it..so there!  <<<
Yea ok so now 6 years later im putting my hand up, i have had to learn from my mistakes, to experience to realise this now, i couldnt have been told.  Having my own blog is a great way to look back (ok old posts i cringe at) but it charts my growth from complete naivety, making mistakes, changing opinions, temper tantrums, the highs and the lows, laughter, tears, frustration.....and knowing that this is all ok.

Laughter is the best medicine

I said to the bossman today "you know regular orgasms increase brain activity" to which he replied "do a crossword"!!!!!! ok so thats not exactly the response i was looking for although i did laugh.  What i do appreciate is that he does have a wicked sense of humour and i think its important to be able to have a laugh with each other, i respect him completley but its good to know i can poke fun at him without it being taken so seriously and vice versa.

We was out in the car and talking about his work, his colleagues and he has a good relationship with most of them, some of them talk to him about problems etc and he was saying how they appreciate his considerate, kind and thoughtful nature...well that just set me off.  It started with just a giggle and he was sitting there driving being so serious that the giggles went into uncontrollable laughter..you know when you start laughing so much you cant stop and it actually makes your belly hurt..well i was there, sitting beside him laughing my head off with tears rolling down my face.

It was made worse by the fact that he was just sat there straightfaced, glancing at me as though thinking to himself "whats so bloody funny!"  and his serious reply of "well I am" but i couldnt say anything because i just could not stop laughing.  The thing is of course i see a side to him no-one else does and naturally he isnt going to be with others like he is with me at times, and he is a nice man in general but considerate and thoughtful are definitley not words i would use to describe him in general.

Im not saying he is incapable of being considerate and thoughtful but he does speak his mind regardless of whether it causes offence, tact is not something he has grasped the concept of.  He is very outspoken in his opinions and can be quite cutting if someone rubs him up the wrong way, he in general is a dominant natured man in all aspects of life and can be quite intimidating.....its thinking of this that gave me the fit of giggles.....but then it seems its the women he works with that he has good relationships with and that doesnt surprise me his is a flirt.....no perhaps more accuratley he can put on the charm when he needs to.

This was not what i signed up for!

In the last year the bossman has been more restrictive when allowing me to climax, im having longer periods of orgasm denial, the last 'stretch' was 4 weeks being denied relief.  I have never been allowed to orgasm, masturbate or touch myself inappropriately without his permission, the only exceptions being during s/m,  its been drilled into me that my body is his, he chooses when i get pleasure or pain, if he wants me pierced or tattooed any type of body modification really.

He has up until this past year been fairly generous with allowing me to orgasm and masturbate on the occassions i have asked, sometimes i would get denied but more often than not he would allow it.  So when the realisation sunk in (and its still sinking in) that he isnt allowing me to as much..well..its been difficult, its a change that i hadnt anticipated and dont like for obvious reasons ie i like having orgasms!

He likes me wanting he says, keeping me on the edge, desperate and full of need and only he can satisfy my need and im having that battle of  'the more im denied, the more i want it, much more than i would normally' and he is loving that im tormented.  The advantage is when he does give me release its so much stronger than it would normally be, it is better, im more pliable and open to 'suggestions' because im in the frame of mind that im so desperate that i will offer him things i wouldnt normally choose to do, things i generally only do because i have to when he insists.

But really im not liking it....what next complete chastity!! hmm deny me of his cock and we are going to be having huge problems...i dont think he would do that...well im pretty sure he wouldnt, not on a long term basis anyway but i know he can obstain from sex for a long time so im not prepared to be cocky about it and put it to him that he wouldnt......been there done that and learnt the hard way not to tell him what he would and would not do!

Emotional monogamy

I have not had a problem with the bossman enjoying other women sexually, albeit it has only been oral sex and likewise when i have sexually 'served' other men and women its been limited to oral, we have had some great times, i love watching him with other women.  Playing with others is not something we have engaged in for a couple of years but its not been ruled out, should it be something he wishes to pursue again.

I will admit that on these occassions i have struggled with submitting to others, i see my submission as being his only but as he pointed out in response...as my submission is his, as everything i am is his then he will decide how, when and whom i submit to, so i kind of lost that argument.  But anyway when its limited to physical interaction its not so bad and on the times i have submitted to another (always under his supervision) i have focused in my head that its just my body they are using and only at the will of the person who owns me, but only the bossman has my complete surrender.

We have never considered poly, i know i wouldnt be cut out for it, and he has no interest in it, it wouldnt be the element of having to share him physically with someone else that would bother me but it would be the emotional impacts.  Im possessive of his dominance, i would not want to share it with anyone else, the bond that is nutured between a dominant and his submissive involves opening up to each other, exploring each others desires etc and this is a closeness that i covet, i know things about him and vice versa that are private, just between us and i wont share that.

I guess being honest i would be jealous of someone else having this bond with him, i know its possible to have successful poly relationships, we have met subs and doms in poly dynamics and they are all very happy, but i do think you have to be cut out for it and im not, i couldnt share him and our relationship with anyone else.

The kink and sex is all very well, that i can share, i have done (albeit in 'scenes') but its all the rest...the important pieces of a relationship..dare i say it the vanilla aspects which i just couldnt, im very much his, he owns me but damn if this makes me unsubmissive so be it but he is mine.

Escaping into bondage

Sometimes i want to escape (dont we all!) from the reality of everything that is going on, and i can get this blissful nirvana through being put in bondage, the more restrictive the better, its not about the s/m although i tend to seek that out when i am bound but its more about giving into 'letting go', to just let all the problems, all the stresses of everyday life blur into the background. 

Initially my thoughts go into overdrive and it takes a while to settle down, the longer i fight (mentally) about being in bondage and being unable to move the longer it takes, but eventually there comes acceptance and what i can only describe as a sense of peace and nothing matters, my 'world' consists only of 'being'.....its centered around him.

Its similar i think to subspace but with no pain involved, im vunerable which i love because im in a state of mind that makes me easier to manipulate, no inhibitions, just acceptance that im dependent on him most especially if he incoporates breath play into it, and he is responsible for denying or giving me air....of course on a selfish note the orgasms achieved when having my breathing controlled are just amazing, it is however something not to be taken lightly, erotic asphyxiation is one of the ultimate highs for me but we are aware of the risks.

With bondage one of the most important elements is comfort, the wrist and ankle cuffs being secure enough to keep me attached to where he wants me but not too tight they are causing discomfort and putting strain on me, he wants me focused on whats going on, not niggles caused by the cuffs, leather is my preference, the classic steel ones are not versitile enough in my opinion and sure as hell are not comfortable.

I love bondage because i am at his mercy, even though i obey him without needing to be restrained, bondage heightens the senses, its more intense and practically it keeps me still when he needs me to be.  Its incredibly erotic, i love being fucked when im bound, being tormented and teased and not being able to touch him, being kept on the edge until he chooses to give me release or not.

But sometimes its just about needing to escape.

Blast from the past

I very rarely look at my stats but i cant sleep so poured a glass of wine and just browsing really, anyway an old post of mine has been dragged up from years ago as recently viewed and it struck me how odd that it was written 5 years ago on this date (well yesterday now as its gone midnight). 

The bossman will very rarely post on the blog which suits me just fine, and on this particular post he responded to with a written tongue lashing after me throwing a written tantrum.

"Of course you can express an opinion. I want you to.

You were punished because, having chosen to be a SLAVE, you gave up all rights, within our agreed limits, to decide what you will and will not do.

No-one forced you to take this path. You chose it. You also chose me as the person to give your body to. You may think what you wish, politely express your opinions/desires/preferences etc. but should you use your body, your mouth, to tell me what you will and won't do then yes, you will be punished.

Every time I ask, you confirm to me this is what you want. You are a strong-willed woman and part of you, I think, still rebels against such servitude. Telling your master "you can go by yourself then" was rude, disrespectful and not words a slave should ever utter.

I hope you understand.

I love you.

Your Master"

Reading this now after all this time, its sort of upset me really because im still a mouthy bitch at times and speak without thinking, and its not that he doesnt want me speaking my mind but to do so respectfully...and when im on a roll (in a temper) i dont stop to think im full steam ahead.  I do still get punished when these moments occur and in my defence they dont happen as much as they did in the beginning....so thats progress right?

It was just such a difficult adjustment then, and its still not easy now at times, reading this has got me perusing my old posts and oh fuck some im ashamed of as in...i cant believe i thought that! or the way i have behaved, im not an easy person at times i know that, sometimes i wander how he has put up with me as long as he has, and sometimes like now im just thankful that he has been patient with me when i have needed it but firm and absolute in his expectations of me as well.

Im proud to be his slave and i want him to know that.

Let the sparks fly

Its my birthday the end of next month and the bossmans 2 days later, im hoping i will be allowed to choose to do something i really like and then for his birthday well as is normal he will do whatever he likes.  I think im going to opt for electrics, its not something that we do regularly.

Electrical play is something i enjoy, we have tens machine, violet wand and a zapper, i dont like the zapper but the other 2 i have had great experiences with ranging from being really pleasurable to extremely painful all dependent on a turn of a dial, im really wanting a temporary brand from the violet wand, and then perhaps move onto a permenant mark of ownership.

The violet wand is very stimulating and looks pretty too lol, but looks can be deceiving as enjoyable as it can be and it is really, gives the most intense pleasurable sensations, its also capable of bringing about agonising pain.  I prefer the pleasurable sensations this gives more than the painful, i do think though it has to be one of the more versitile 'sex toys' out there especially if you like experimenting with pain/pleasure, the variety of attachments that acheive different results is amazing.

But the most amazing thing about it has to be the transference of electricity to his hand and other 'toys', and when he brushes his hand over me its a tingling sensation a very nice one, you can experience electrified flogging, caning and even kissing.

The tens machine is the same in that it can go from pleasurable to painful very quickly, but it doesnt have the same versatility as the wand, i prefer it when the pads are on my pussy rather than my nipples, its a throbbing sensation that builds up as the knob is turned up on the control box....too high its just agony and not in a way thats enjoyable..not for me anyway.  I think, no i know he enjoys seeing me go from "ooh yes" to full on screaming, its the torment of it i think i do enjoy though, in a way thats different from using the normal implements.

The zapper is just something i wouldnt mind if it it never came out to play again and its not that its extremely painful of the 3 i would say the least so, i cant even describe exactly what i dislike about it, its not sensual whereas the others can be, it just shocks....so that one can stay away as far as im concerned.

Rome wasnt built in a day

There have been some interesting thoughts going on around blogland this past week and i have been trying so hard not to get myself into that overthinking state of mind, plus i have been pre-occupied with work and thats been my primary focus....and well being honest im really finding it hard to focus on blogging, i feel like i have nothing left to say but yet plenty that im thinking about and im struggling to make coherrent posts....so many added to the 'vault' its getting quite full.

I have been thinking about overthinking which seems to be a common trait with submissives, and the struggles that come with relinquishing control and submitting, i can only speak for myself but i do believe its natural because its not the norm in todays society plus us humans are complex characters with a range of emotions.

Happygirl (a submissive friend) suggested that perhaps i should find it easier because the bossman and i started off as Dom/sub but i dont believe this to be true, or rather i dont think its a question of being easier or more difficult just different.  It was difficult in the beginning because i would wander if i was as 'good' as his previous subs, would i be enough for him and he was demanding and still is in his expectations of me although i have to say also patient when i still have moments of doubt.

His control was established from the very start albeit in stepping stones as the relationship progressed so did his level of control over me, there needs to be that build up of trust which takes time, i didnt fight against being controlled initially because thats my first 'love' its when it starts getting more intense or perhaps more acurratley when it creeps into territory which doesnt 'fit' with how i viewed being dominated.

So i would try to get him to dominate me how i wanted to be dominated still do try at times  so when he would knock that straight on the head the natural instinct was to fight against it which defeats the object of  wanting to be controlled, i would get defensive, stroppy and it brought about a discussion between us about the expectations each of us had.  He very bluntly made it clear that he was my Master, not my lover/partner, and although its a relationship its one where the foundations of it are TPE and i needed to think very carefully about what i wanted because he was aiming for enslavement.  That discussion was i think in the first year we were together.

That may sound harsh, i know i thought it was at the time but its what i needed to hear, he is my Owner, he loves me and i love him but my obedience, serving and pleasing him is priority..what do i get out of it?  contentment, im happy, safe and secure because his control provides me with what i need, i thrive on it.  Its not always easy, i thought it would be, he instructs and i obey, writing it is easy, in practice there are too many ranges of emotions and conflicts to take into account, but anything worth having and holding onto is worth putting the effort into and well as is said "Rome wasnt built in a day".

Submissive guide bloghop challenge #13

So i dont usually partake in this because i tend to write whatever blurb is running through my head at the time but i figured why not...plus im in need of inspiration, its a subject i have blogged about before on a few occassions as my thoughts have changed over the years so if you get a sense of deja vu...you know why!

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/10/submissive-guide-blog-hop-challenge-13-using-safewords/

Anyway the topic:

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are your indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

No we dont use a safeword, we did in the beginning as we was learning about each other and/or more specifically i was discovering s/m and was completley unsure of my pain threshold, we have been together near on 6 years now.

I do not think having a safeword or using one makes anyone weak, and nor do i think not having one makes people 'better' or more experienced, or more trusting, its something that really is between the people involved, when i asked to give up my safeword it involved a lot of discussion between us.

We on occassion play to the harder end of the bdsm spectrum, which you would think is more important to have a safeword in place, however often i am in restrictive bondage and hooded with no means of verbalising a safeword, having something in my hand to drop would be pointless if i was suspended, i need to grip the bar in the cuffs plus i'd keep dropping it.

Also when im in subspace im beyond being able to judge how much i can handle taking, there have been occassions i havent wanted him to stop because i want more and he has had to because going further would cause damage in a way we both dont want.  Often im beyond being able to verbalise anything as im in my own little bubble.

These situations require my Master be extra vigilant, to pause and 'check-in' with me constantly, to ensure that i am safe, to monitor the whole 'scene', my responses etc, sometimes having a safeword can be relied on too much and it can happen that the dominant may not be as vigilant as he should be because he is reliant on the sub to utter a safeword if anything is wrong, more important than any safeword is the dominant being in control of the scene and the submissive, checking circulation, etc.

Of course a safeword isnt exclusive to s/m it may be any scene which the submissive could find emotionally overwhelming and too much.  I have wandered if i did have a safeword could i have potentially missed out on some great experiences because there have been situations whereby if i had one i would of used it.

This has been when i have been scared, its when its been something new and im unsure and i dont want to do it, i have needed that push, to be given no choice (i do get off on being pushed past my comfort zone) whether it be s/m or any other 'scene'. 

Ultimately though a safeword IMO is not a subsitute for trust, with or without a safeword you need to have trust in each other.

Well maybe just a little bit guilty

Just got back from the gym to find my mate has left me a huge slab of chocolate cake, and yes im sat  eating the whole lot with a portion of ice cream..ok maybe half the tub is more than a portion..i think i have just defeated the purpose of going to the gym!  oh.

A blob of modelling clay

I used to think that manipulation in D/s was not a good thing, the whole idea of being manipulated just conjures up negative imagary, but he does manipulate me but like an artist with clay, my submission is moulded, shaped, stretched, bits removed, maybe bits added until we are both happy with the results.

I am pliable under his hands, he knows where to press to get me where he wants, he reads me so well i cant deny him but i cant deny myself either, i want to, i dont always want to admit i enjoy some of the things he does to me or has me do but we both know i love it no matter how much i protest otherwise.

These relationships can be so intense the lines between right and wrong can appear blurry, he has taught me that that there is nothing wrong with my desires even though some of them disturb me, my submission to him is unconditional and i know he wouldnt abuse that, use it and manipulate it to his advantage yes.

But im willing and complicit, my own mind is capable of thinking up the most nastiest of ways for him to hurt and debase me and he draws them out and has never made me feel shamed by what thoughts are in my head, he encourages them and sometimes he makes them reality.

Dont always enjoy the reality as much i enjoy what i thought in my head, i dont, i tell him that and he laughs...we both know thats not the truth.

Not on the weekend

I rarely post, usually got too much going on, but this weekend everyone has something going on apart from me, so i did what i do best when im upset and stressed, i cleaned the house, started at just after 9 am when they all left to do what they all are doing and didnt stop.  Did the shopping list for next week, i swear if there are any complaints about my choices of dinner next week, knife play is going to take on a whole new meaning, im the one bloody cooking it so the complaining stops now..dont like it, cook for yourself.

So im having a coffee break, im trying not dwell on whats been going on work wise (i will update when i know more), im thinking about my mum and my relationship with her which isnt that great, i wish it wasnt like this, im envious of those that have a close mother/daughter bond, my mum and i cant spend too long in each others company before we are at each others throats.

When i was a 9 years old my mum had an affair, she would take me and my brother who was 11 with her when she went to meet this man, he lived close to a playground, she would drop us there while she went and seen him.  As children we had no clue to what was going on (well i certainly didnt) i was just delighted to be able to go to this huge park that was far from where we lived. 

My dad ran a bar, he worked long hours, often coming home in the early hours, i do remember one night waking up and going downstairs, opening the lounge door and then they were, my mum and this man on the sofa in a state of undress.  My mum told me i wasnt to tell daddy, and i guess at that age you do what your told, i think maybe i knew it was wrong but i wasnt mature enough to understand completley.

My dad eventually found out, a friend of his told him, it was the classic scenario of everyone knew but him, it destroyed him, they got divorced, my mum and this man got together as a couple, still are together now, but i hated my mum, i blamed her for my dad leaving, it drove a wedge between us especially as i entered those awkward teen years and its still there today.

As i grew up i was able to see things with a more adult point of view, i can understand what drove her to have the affair, my dad was and is a wanderful man, a great dad but he wasnt a great husband, he loved her, and was faithful but he was married to the bar, along came someone who showed my mum some attention, took her out, appreciated her, i can understand that.

I changed again when i had children of my own, it gave me another perspective, i couldnt do to my children what she did to me and my brother, i dont mean having the affair but involving us, telling me to not tell daddy what i saw, i know thats wrong now when i didnt then, moving the new man in 3 days after my dad left and expecting us to just accept him and be nice when our whole world as children had been turned upside down.....i cant forgive her for that.

So its there between us, unresolved and unspoken, i think now im bitter that she has re-invented herself, she sits in judgement of other people, of me and the choices i make, im not perfect, i have made mistakes, ones im not proud of, im no angel and nor am i sitting in judgement of those having affairs, this isnt about that.  She sits there moaning about her nephew whose marriage has just ended because he was having an affair, preaching about how youngsters have no commitment these days, and i want to scream at her, tell her to look in the mirror..but i dont, because really desperatley i want to build a relationship with her before its too late.

To clarify..i am not judging, this is me thinking about me and my mum, nothing more.

Thankyou sincerely

All for the supportive comments on my last post, i believe that any responsible adult would have done the same thing in those circumstances.

I have spent most of the day in meetings with a solicitor and the school board so feel a bit better about where i stand, on a legal front she has no basis to make a claim against me or the school as it can be proven that i acted on the childs best interest, she (the mother) would have to prove that coercian was used by me on the child.  I will never moan about doing paperwork again (well at least for a few weeks) because its the form filling etc that i had to do at the time of the incident that has backed my actions up, i acted on the best interests of the child which has been drilled into me on every course i have taken.

Its shook me up a lot and made me question how i could have handled it differently, being more calm now i can have a certain amount of sympathy for the mother, not knowing what mental as well as physical abuse she sufferred at the hands of her (now ex) husband, but as always my responsibility and obligations will always be with the child.

There is nothing i can do now but wait to see if there is a response to the letter sent on my behalf from the solicitor and school board.  Perhaps knowing that there is no valid cause for complaint the issue will dropped, there should not have been one in the first place, but i cant speak for her state of mind.

Fucking unbelievable

I was up extra early for me this morning so i started to write a post, it was a beautiful morning, and i got a bit of housework done before sitting in front of the pc with a coffee, by the time i left for work i felt i had achieved quite a bit, certainly less to do when i got home.  The good day ended about an hour after starting work.  I work with children that have special educational needs or/and behavioural problems.

In the early part of last year a situation arose with a male child (aged 7) he exhibited behavioural and emotional problems long story short he kicked off before a PE (physical education) refusing to change into his kit and participate.  I sat with him talking, trying to get to the bottom of what the issue was, eventually i pursuaded him to put on his coat and we would go out and watch, as he reached up for his coat, his shirt rose and there were bruises on his back.

I asked him if his back was hurting as i could see a bruise, he quickly became agitated, crying and saying that he was being good, my mistake was asking him if i could look at the bruises to see if i could make them better.  He removed his shirt and oh jesus, bless him he was covered, it was very clear he had been beaten, i just sat him on my lap and held him until he calmed down assuring him it would all be ok.   The mistake (in hindsight) was that we were alone in a changing area together.

The correct measurements were taken and it all came out that the father was abusive to the mother (she knew) and another older sibling.  Social services were informed and the police.

I received a letter today via the school (the school also received a duplicate copy) that the mother has sought legal advice because of the upset and damage that has been caused by social services and police to her family and her argument being that i should not have been alone with him in a room, and have him remove his shirt without a witness which was against 'child safety and protection' regulations...she wants compensation.  The letter ends with her stating that he family life is no one elses business!  she wants an apology...basically the argument is it never would have come out if i had not had him remove his shirt.

The school supports me 100%, it may come to nothing, but in the meantime its the uncertainty, but most of all im angry that i potentially in worst case scenario could lose my job because of my concern for a child, im angry that this women is more concerned with the "upset and damage" than the welfare of her son.

I will not apologise, i did the right thing in the wrong circumstances, yes another adult should have been present, i made a bad error of judgement because my concern was immediatly for this childs welfare.

It feels like Groundhog Day

This whole being owned concept is something mostly i embrace, its more than the kink we do, it slowly pours into all the little cracks and crevices, his ownership surrounds me and somewhere along the way i realised that its just there, it effects my decisions, what i think, my actions, i am consumed by serving him.

I used to think it very one sided, i would argue the unfairness with him when he would make a decision i didnt like (im still working on that!) the scales do tip in his favour but its a power exchange, im getting as much out of this relationship as he is albeit in different ways.  What i used to think suffocating i now find comforting, his control brings me security because its unwavering and absolute, it leaves me with no doubts about who is in charge no matter what obstacles i might try to place in his path.

Really i think after all these years it should be easy and some parts have gotten easier, im at ease with this path of slavery, thats not to say i dont have struggles, i do but im more prepared to face them rather than try to bury them and pretend they dont exist.  Im still learning, i never want to stop learning, i dont try to strive for perfection anymore, perfection does not exist, he only ever asks for my best, to give him my all and if thats good enough for him then it should be for me.

I love the kink side, its a huge part of our dymanic but its not what defines us and its taken me such a long time to realise that, i always have felt more submissive after a beating or being humiliated, but i would throw it all away tomorrow just so long as i have his control, my obedience and pleasing him is more important...its what makes me most happy...its what makes us both happy.

Being owned allows me to be me, its freeing, there is nothing i need to keep from him, or could try to..he sees through me, its not glamorous, its not easy, its not constant sex or s/m, sometimes its so mundane its almost vanilla.  Sometimes i feel like an elastic band and that he is stretching me too far and eventually i will break, and sometimes i complain im not getting stretched enough, i need to stop that and let it flow....instead of thinking elastic...think a piece of string with no idea of how long it is but it doesnt matter as wherever the end is he is at.

There is no set pace, sometimes it feels like im going full speed ahead, no looking back, other times its like im stuck in reverse and then there are times its just a smooth journey, but i do think its good to look back especially when i feel stuck in reverse because i can see just how far i have come, the years have gone by so quickly, i have grown as a person, as his slave and im only just beginning to realise how much of an impact his ownership has on me, whats important and what isnt.

I just need to 'be' and being is whatever he decides it is.  So why the hell is it just so damn difficult at times? maybe i make it more complicated than it needs to be? i over-analyse too much?  its like bloody Groundhog Day really it is, i think i should just repost this post every day and maybe it will actually sink in that im doing ok with it all.....mostly.

I reserve the right to forget i ever wrote this post and go back to over-analysing and making it more complicated than it needs to be.

Totally vanilla rambles

I have noticed that in the last few months i have been getting a lot of spam on the blog, thankfully blogger is doing its job and it goes straight to the spam folder but what im finding odd is the type of spam im getting.....kitchen equipment!!

Today i had spam with the usual "great post come check out my blog and..."....see the range of breadmakers! not that i have anything against breadmakers..well actually i do, i have one and am yet to get a decent loaf out of it but really where is the connection? i could understand if i talked baking a lot..coz its not just breadmakers, i have had one about ovens, ice cream makers and i think my personal favourite impaired mobility equipment, ok so i know the bossman is getting on a bit but he isnt quite that far gone...and i dont think there is anything out there to cure excessive grumpiness.

Well actually its quite apt at the moment as we are having a new kitchen fitted, once i have decided on the units, tiles and colour i would like but i have been told i have to make a final decision by the end of this month, so i have been searching online and in brochures in the evenings and there is simply to much choice....im really not good with choices..i know what will happen....it will come down to "its either this one or that, 2 choices" and i will still be standing there deliberating.

I like the idea of bright colours but then i also like natural wood its timeless, maybe natural wood with bright coloured tiles? i dont know, talking of wood i have found a new hobby..chainsaw carving..i made a mushroom, ok so it doesnt stand up without support but you can see its a mushroom you just have to open your mind to see it.

Sexualising pain

I have always maintained that i dont have a high sex drive, and i dont, i have never considered sex an important part of our relationship, and it bears no relevance on my submission by that i mean there are many elements that i consider important parts of my submission sex is not one of them.  However saying that im very easily aroused and can remain in a constant state of arousal for long periods of time without relief, this is not always a pleasant experience but its not sex i seek for out for relief but pain when this happens which is quite often, and it can be the most simple of triggers that set me off.

When we engage in s/m sex may happen inbetween or afterwards but its not expected, thats to say s/m is not a form of foreplay, s/m in itself sates my arousal and the orgams from pain are more intense than during sex, the high afterwards is better and lasts a lot longer than really great sex, i can be buzzing for days after a heavy session.  But what is it about pain that causes this immense pleasure and for masochists like myself cause the body to respond as though it were being sexually stimulated.

Ok the science bit....pain, violence, sex and love are all associated with the release of chemicals and hormones....

endorphins: are released by pain experiences and are pleasurable and can be seen as addictive which is why generally masochists seek that 'high' and sometimes need to go further as their body adjusts to a level of pain, they need more to get those further 'kicks'

testosterone: can be temporarily effected by s/m experiences, with dominants often getting raised levels

seratonin and melatonin: brain chemicals which are effected by emotional and stressful experiences

epinephrine and norepinephrine: are released during stressful and painful experiences and can cause a pleasureable 'rush'

I guess thats one explanation of why i am like i am that i can find, because im constantly seeking an answer to explain why i enjoy pain but i think there is more to it than the scientific reasons and perhaps those answers lie in in the psychological side.

I wouldnt want to be hurt (in the context of s/m) by someone that genuinely took no enjoyment from it, and i need to be dominated, knowing that from the moment the 'scene' starts i have absolutley no control thats probably the most important element to me, (not all masochists are submissive and vice versa).   I like the security of bondage during s/m, being restrained and especially hooded make for a more intense experience and adds to the build up as i like to be like this, waiting for whatever is coming and knowing im helpless..i love being vunerable.

There is also a connection between us as we prepare for a 'session', during s/m and afterwards that is more intimate than sex, perhaps its that im more exposed to him emotionally and physically, perhaps its the vunerability.  He enjoys the fact that the more he hurts me most especially when its pain im not liking the more aroused i get, my body betrays me and i begrudgingly admit i do enjoy it more when im taken beyond my comfort zone albeit mostly afterwards when im stated.

Im past analysing why i need and prefer pain over sex, but would be lying if i said it didnt trouble me at times, it does, i have wandered if its a way of compensating for my insecurity and lack of confidence with sex, i know i dont have a healthy view of sex.  I enjoy it and we do have a healthy sex life but then i dont enjoy it so much unless im being hurt, humiliated or at bare minimum restrained....im not sure thats healthy.

Consent

I have anon (from previous post) to credit with this post, consent within D/s and bdsm.

Common dictionary definition:

to permit, approve or agree, comply or yield

There is also informed consent:

indicates that the consent a person gives meets certain minimum standards, an informed consent can be said to have been given based upon a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action

Obviously i consented to be in this dynamic, there was discussions about initial expectations, what we both wanted to get from the relationship, it wasnt full on 24/7 slavery from day one, it was gradual, like most relationships learning about one another as regular people and as Dominant and submissive.  I realise now that the understanding and implications of giving consent is only truely realised when trust is firmly established and that i dont believe happens overnight either, it takes time...lots of time.

I can only base my opinions as always on my own experiences.  As we ventured further and our dynamic shifted after much discussion between us to M/s the understanding of my giving consent was a hot subject.  Informed consent is probably more apt in these circumstances, there needs to be a clear understanding of what im consenting to, hence the 'informed' part, if im trusting this man, which i do, to take control of me in every and any way he wants the expectations of each of us needs to be clearly discussed and understood.

It is not a time to play the 'Master' card of "you will just obey me without question always" sod that, you need to be able to ask questions, no matter how trivial, i wanted and needed to know that in giving my consent i understood the implications of what im doing and that giving my consent will not be abused, it means being able to communicate freely, to be sure that he will listen to my concerns and consider how his decisions, rules and overall control will effect me throughout our relationship.

In giving my consent i am agreeing that i trust him to decide what is best for me and for us, it means that i am not choosing when i want to submit or how, it does not mean losing my voice or following blindly. 

Its not easy, sure there are things that sometimes i dont want to do, mostly within bdsm but it would get kind of tiresome and defeat the purpose of M/s if he continually asked my consent for everything he wanted to do that i didnt like.  My submission isnt mine to dictate, i have chosen, because i trust him to guide me where he wants me and this is what i want and need, withdrawing my consent just because i dont want to do something would rock the very foundations of our relationship.

Does this mean he never makes mistakes, or makes a decision that doesnt turn out for the best? nope, he is human and there have been blips along the way....but every blip is a learning curve.

So when anon asked "does he know the difference between consent and abuse"? yes he does, we both do, abuse would imply no consent or a lack of informed consent and as an adult of sane mind im fully able to comprehend what giving my consent means......because shock..horror..we talk and listen to each other..its called communication.

Learning lessons the hard way

I knew he was tired it had been a long day and mentally exhausting, and i should have been more considerate but i wasnt and im not proud of that, i was horny and wanting pain, so i asked nicely if he would hurt me, i didnt get much of a response a grunt would be more accurate, i should have given up at that point but nope not me i was on a mission..so resort to begging not getting anywhere, so by the time we retired to bed for the evening i had pretty much given up until "on your back and open your legs"

He grabbed the hairbrush off the bedside table and whack on my pussy, oh bugger not my favourite thing so i go to grab a pillow to muffle my screams but he told me no, that i was to lie there still and quiet, a few more and i close my legs instinctively he isnt being light handed.   Now he is not amused, the playful look in his eyes gone, now cold and harsh "if you cannot obey, you will suffer more" im really not good at keeping still and i tried but a couple more and i shut my legs again...this is responded with the brush coming down hard on my thigh, so i turn over to escape and he rains down more on my ass until i cover myself with the duvet.

I know he is not pleased with me and when he lies down onto the bed i go to kiss him but he pushed me away, that hurts more than any physical pain, so i lie there next to him rejected and im sorry, i pestered him to hurt me and i got what i asked for yet couldnt obey, he breaks the silence by telling me to go kneel in the bathroom.  As im knelt there im sure he is going to piss on me, which mostly i love but in these circumstances not so much, the waiting isnt nice and when he does appear i crawl to his feet telling him im sorry.

He kneels down in front of me, which throws me i was pretty damn sure of what he was going to do and now im unsure "kneel up and open your legs wide" and i obey instantly although im scared because i dont know where his mind is going and then i see the needles in his hand.

There a larger gauge then im used to and im getting the lesson now, im going to have to keep still because i know where the needles are going and down there is not somewhere i want them hitting the wrong target if i move suddenly, dont suceed on the being quiet part and scream as the needle is pushed through.

After he stands and uses my mouth for his pleasure, no release for me, but its done and i have learnt my lesson.

Oh the embarrasment.

Everyone must have those moments when they wish the ground would swallow them up on the spot, surely?  I had one last night and im still mortified about it.  Im terrified of spiders..yeah i know they cant hurt you (im in the uk no deadly ones) but i dont care..they are evil.

So im sitting in the dining room filling out some risk assessments for work in my dressing gown having not long got out the bath, when i notice movement out the corner of my eye..a large house spider working its way up the sleeve of my dressing gown....so i did what any normal person would do...pulled off the dressing gown all the while screaming like a banshee (what the hell is a banshee?..pass) and there stood in the doorway is my son with 2 of his mates ...and im naked.

So what to do? well i cant pick the dressing gown up obviously..its contaminated by a spider..so i run past them (still naked) up the stairs into bedroom to  hide my mortification, my son is far from impressed which i can understand but i can hear his mates laughing..bastards!

Im meant to be taking them rugby tonight, oh god! im not sure i can face them all..especially as to my sons horror (and mine) one of the mates relayed the 'incident' on facebook, and well the amount of comments even from people i work with!..i know everyone is meant to have their '5 mins of fame' but i didnt anticipate this being mine....the idea of becoming a hermit is getting more appealing by the minute.

Arranged kidnapping..its the fear

Friday we was chatting to a pro Domme (lets call her Mrs A) friend of ours and one of the areas she specialises in is arranged kidnappings along with her partner whom is a pro Dom and she was telling us about a kidnapping scene that was going ahead that evening, they are also a lifestyle couple.

Anyway the kidnapping was going to be outside McDonalds, the police have to be informed and its all done very efficiently, the 'victim' is a femsub and although she knew that she was going to be kidnapped she was oblivious to when it would be, could be weeks, months after first agreeing to this scenario.  She is then taken to a dungeon and interrogated by her Dom whom had arranged it all.

When Mrs A was telling us this i kept glancing at Master to gauge his interest because the idea of being kidnapped holds no appeal to me at all even if deep down i knew it was arranged, thankfully he said it did not hold an interest for him either.  I do like the idea of having an interrogation 'scene', being tortured etc but Master said one threat of the whip and you would spill all..ok he has a point there! but still i think it could be fun.

Mrs A was explaining that for the 'victims' who are kidnapped its the fear they enjoy, having no idea when its going to happen and when it does although deep down they know its been set up there is still that anxiety, and some really put up a good fight.  I do get the fear element, being afraid of the bossman is a huge turn on even though i know im safe the fear is very real its all associated with being completley vunerable for me which i enjoy.

Its a common fantasy, well it certainly keeps Mrs A busy she does on average 4 a month, its similar to 'fantasy rape' i imagine which is something i find very appealing, to have sex when i really dont want to, being completley taken by force and unprepared....the closest we have got is when he tied me down and fucked my ass brutally with very little lube, i was whimpering and when he pulled out i screamed at him not to stop..so he didnt..yummy..but what i desire is to be wanting him to stop and he doesnt.

I probably should be careful what i desire.

Its easier to 'let go' here

Is it strange that often i find it easier to write here about things and what i feel than i do talking face to face with the bossman, sometimes im more open and expressive here and he picks up 'issues' or/and things that need to be adressed through what i write....things that other readers may not think nothing of he sees more.

We talk, of course we do, about a lot of things, but i really dont do the whole 'opening up' thing, i have to be coaxed when it comes to feelings, thats not to say i have lots of 'issues' but those i do have keep me held back and its been an ongoing battle for years......i have this block in my wall that i wont budge and i dont want it to either because if it goes then it leaves me defenceless and i equate that with being weak..even though the reality is slavery isnt about weak if anything it makes one stronger..i just cant get there yet.

He knows what this block is, we both do, i place the responsibility at his feet that he has made me like i am, he has created this person that blogs here, its easier to deflect it onto him because then i dont feel i have to take responsibility for being who i am and doing the things i do...its easier to say "he makes me" or "i do it because it pleases him" he says im in denial...he is probably right.  

Its said submission is a gift, (although personally i dont follow that train of thought) but sometimes it feels more like a curse.

To be loved like this isnt wrong

We had a lovely evening, went out for a nice meal, both tired but not too tired to have some 'play' when we got back which ended with him pissing over me in the shower which i love.

As i stand up to shower he removes the needles from labia and tits and i watch the blood wash away with the shower water, i find that such an arousing sight, he stands up and washes me, soaping my marked and sore tits, over the whip marks, these same hands that bring me pain now so tender.

He stands behind me, telling me to look in the mirror, im covered, bruises starting to form, whip marks, cuts on my tits, using his fingers he brings me to orgasm, "I love you" he says and i reply "even like this?" its odd for me but i was feeling vulnerable and needing re-assurance which i dont generally, not in these circumstances, he turns to face me "especially like this".

Showered and dried we go to bed, watch a little television nestled into him, before falling asleep in his embace feeling safe and loved.

Thats about as romantic as i can get.

Why fight the inevitable?

No matter that i knew he would not be persuaded otherwise, no matter that i knew this was coming a few weeks back and i have had time to get my head around it, i still tried to get out of it, after coming down from the caning i had the whip to face.

I tried distracting him with offering him sexual relief, ("afterwards") pleading that i really, really didnt want to be whipped ("I know, but you are going to be") and in a last ditch attempt to delay a little longer i asked for more water...my mind thinking how long can i make this bottle of water last?  he conceded to the water but took the bottle from me when he realised my intentions, and he had to ask (like i really want to make that decision!) "front or back first, you choose?" 

I chose back first, i was hoping that if i really struggled and got myself worked up then he may show some mercy and not whip me on the front, he secured the ankle and wrist cuffs to the chains and a strap accross my lower back onto the cross all the while i was still trying to talk him out of it..hey im a big believer in hope.

He started with the leather multi-tailed whip and this is bearable but its still got one hell of a sting, then a rubber multi tailed whip which is when i started to get very aggressively verbal "bastard" and "twat" came up a lot along with "i hate you"..he doesnt pay any mind when i get like this during s/m in fact he laughs which just makes me more incensed.

Then the single tail which is without a doubt my nemesis, previous times coming up against this have not been at all a pleasant encounter, 3 strokes in and im trying to undo the cuffs, screaming at him that i want off the damn cross...4 has been the most i have got to on previous occassions with this particular whip and he lands another one before stopping to check in.

This is the difficult part which perhaps is difficult to understand and can be seen perhaps as pushing me to far or having no concern for my well being, but for those that read this far please understand that i need this 'treatment', crave it even and he is experienced in what he is doing and he knows me well, better than i know myself. 

He stops and stands beside me, im tearful and im begging that i really cant handle more, also when he attached the cuffs to the chain they were low down on the chain, enough for me to be able to use one hand to reach accross and undo the cuff on the other wrist and as he is talking, calming me down, im pulling the cuff off, im determined i am getting off this cross. 

Its a blur now, what he was saying, i remember calming and without resistance from me he re-secures the cuff and moves both arms up higher on the chain so there is no possible way for me to get free of them, i ask to be gagged and he inserts a penis gag into my mouth the penis gag specifically i find comforting, it gives me something to clamp my mouth down on, and i grip so tightly onto the cross and wait.

Just 3 more he says, then 3 on the front and its over.  I can do this, i will for him and with these 3 im not struggling and fighting them as much, its hurting a lot i cant deny that, i hear him tell me how pleased he is and what a good girl i am, he stops and i put 2 fingers up (no not in that way!) "you want more" he says and i nod, he obliges and then again i indicate for more, 3 more in quick succession and i have had enough, i dont need to indicate he knows and he takes me down.

I had my limits pushed and the high that gave me afterwards is just an amazing feeling one that i really dont think i can attempt to verbalise, i took more for him, i wanted and needed to suffer for him and i loved that i did this for him and thats what gives me great satisfaction and pleasure...that and the tell-tale dripping between my legs.

(oh and i didnt escape the 3 on the front)

Now im craving more.

When he gets me flying...i dont want to land

Been unable to blog this weekend, read them that is, i rarely will post on a weekend....well been unable to pretty much do anything but focus on him/us, it was this weekend that had been put aside to push my limits so i have been tied up..literally and metaphorically, so this evening as im recovering (well im still on a high) i logged on and settled down to catch up on blogs.

Lil's post struck a chord with me and it tied in well with an issue i have been wanting to address and also the events of this past weekend, see i had a comment made on a previous post..."better the devil you know" which was about being prepared mentally for this weekend.

"With respect, whenever I read blogs from slaves who take extreme amounts of pain-even though they admittedly do not enjoy it--all because they want to "suffer for him", my alarm bells go off.  As kink-positive as I try to be, I just don't get it.  From reading your posts I gather that your "consent" is never a consideration in your relationship.  So what if one day he decides that he wants to whip you until your skin is flayed open?  Will that be ok, because you want to suffer for him?, where are the limits, where is the concern for your well-being?

I replied to this comment, but it has stuck with me, i know that some of my posts involve heavy s/m and its not going to be something everybody gets..heck there are lots of things i dont get, so this weekend was heavy, it involved my limits being pushed, i sufferred for his pleasure, i didnt like some parts of it, other parts had me begging for more, i wouldnt want it any other way.  I dont know what my limits are yet because im still exploring and have yet to reach them, i have no doubt they are out there just not yet discovered, as for my well being....well im happy, healthy and thats what he wants...it keeps me wanting more, and i do want more.

So anyway...

The nerves really kicked in when we enter the room of doom and im given the command to strip, its standing there naked and vunerable waiting for what he is going to do first, he hooded me and then secured me to the spanking bench, my first inkling that i was going to be on this bench for a while was when he used a waist strap as well as wrist and ankles cuffs...this kept the lower half of my body fully held down with no wriggle room.

The tawse first i think or maybe it was the wide strap but i think the tawse and no starting mildy it was full on whacks and i was owwwing away as well as saying to him quite calmly "what happened to warm-ups"!  Then the cane and i didnt cope too well at first (his fault for losing my favourite one) but to get to that wanderful subspace i need to get through the first dozen or so strokes and then its worth it.  He stopped and i heard him fiddling about with something but wasnt sure what until i heard the flash going off..taking bloody photos, i did ask for photos which is unusual for me but i had my own vision of when i wanted the photos taken and this wasnt one of them.

Then something happened that has only happened once before.

He moved onto the judicial cane, i love this cane, i have found my new favourite, its a heavy cane, very thuddy, i started off counting but lost count at about 124 i hit subspace and i was gone just held there in a faze of thuddy delight and then he stopped!  I was incensed and begged for more but he refused to continue as my ass was in a mess, welted and bloody..but i didnt care, i wanted more, i was flying and him stopping brought me to earth with a bump, i pleaded but no he insisted that it would be too damaging too continue, i realise that now (especially after seeing my ass for myself) but at the time i could have happily carried on.

The whipping was next....this is what i was dreading the most..but im tired now so thats another post.