I mentioned when answering Liebster award questions that i struggle with my masochism at times, not as much as i used to but i would be a liar if i said i was fully happy and content with my need for pain because im not.
Im scared of how far my need will take me and although i know he will always keep me safe so that doesnt come into question, its more i question my normality, the reasonable part of me knows that its ok and i am who i am but there are these doubts that creep in, that its not right to like what i do....i feel ashamed.
I have blogged many a time about s/m sessions we have had, not all of them, and occassionally the ones i do talk about i 'censor' them because i cant quite get my head around that i enjoyed what was happening.
When we venture into the heavier side of s/m i find i seek the headspace of separating myself from the other 'parts' of who i am, i want to become someone else because then i can attempt to rationalise with myself that in these moments its not me...i know its a crazy train of thought! Lately i have been struggling with my masochism so i know i made a sarcastic post a week or so ago in response to a comment that i havent blogged much about it, but i havent because im struggling to express how i feel at the moment about how i relate to pain if you want the truth.
The bossman puts ideas in my head (plants that damn seed) and i want to be horrified, i might act horrified at his suggestions but we both know im not. There was a recent episode of The Walking Dead (if anyone watches it) where once of the characters was watching a fight between 2 men whilst surrounded by zombies it was in the context of an agreed boxing match with a whole load of spectators, anyway the character watching struggled with the idea that she liked what she was watching yet didnt want to admit that because is it something that should be liked?
Anyway thats what got me thinking, its these thoughts that i have about the 'heavy' s/m we do, i like it, dont like admitting that i like it because well i guess i just havent yet fully accepted my masochism. Mostly its being able to express that i like it the most when i hate it...and i keep coming back to this, i try to explain it not just for others to have an understanding but so i can try to understand myself.
I know im not alone in that there are many people that enjoy s/m to the harder end of the spectrum, the boss man listens to me but he just doesnt get it, he has long since come to terms with his sadism, his need to be cruel to me, he just says "embrace it", "let go" well that doesnt help, sure it would be a damn sight easier if i could and i try.
I know its my 'problem' and sometimes it gets to me more than it does at other times, im having one of these 'bad' times, i want to yell at him that he has made me like this and oh we have been here so many times before im fed up of going around it again myself.