Renne Rose wrote an interesting article about non consent, and its place in fiction http://www.reneeroseromance.com/2012/11/why-non-consent-is-hot.html?zx=2987ad86964a19aa and its a topic that interests me but more so its place in ttwd.
We practise cnc (consensual non-consent) in our relationship which put simply means that my consent is a given, he does not seek it throughout our relationship, it is clearly understood that i dont deny him any part of me in whatever form this may take.
There are many scenarios in which i consider this 'hot', i like the fact that i dont get a choice in what he wants to do to me or/and what he wants full stop in all aspects, for the sake of argument lets go with the fact that im in a healthy M/s dynamic and he isnt going to expect something which is damaging to me, so it means that there are things i dont really like in that given a choice i would not do them.
Its a big turn on for me to 'have' to endure when i dont feel like and want it and when its happening im hating it and i want it to stop but he wont, i am forced into the position he wants me and not necessarily physical force, he knows what to say to trigger me into obedience and he is always calm, never shouts but its made clear that i will do as im instructed. Its afterwards im buzzing and i find it 'hot' because it demonstrates his control over me, i dont have a 'get-out' and this provides me with the security i need....personally part of my respect for him is because he doesnt back down and if he wants something done...it will be done either the easy or the hard way.
Sometimes its not 'hot', it can be bloody infuriating when im genuinely not wanting do to something or i dont agree with a decision he makes, it might (and usually is) discussed but if he is determined with how he wants something to be then thats how it will be, there is no 'pick n mix' in my submission, i dont get to choose what i will submit to and what i wont, if i find it 'hot' thats great if i dont too bad. This is what works for us, its not the 'ideal' its not how it should be....its us!
Its not always easy, in fact its damn hard at times but im happy, i would not want it any other way...and you know he wants me happy, might do things sometimes that dont make me happy but hey im sure all relationships no matter their 'structure' including vanilla are not always consistently happy....whats more important is overall im happy and the times im not are fleeting.
We also have a CNC relationship, although I am the only one who calls it that. My Master thinks the term is nonsense. His way of putting it is that he gets to do whatever he wants to me/with me. I can say no, but he can ignore that if he wishes. He does want me to be happy overall also. I know what you mean by not being happy any other way.
ReplyDeletelol yep my Master is pretty much the same...i just like to over complicate things but yep basically he gets to do what he wants when he wants!
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Thank you - this totally adds my clarity on the subject. And I think I'll bookmark this as a reference. I was trying to explain to a vanilla friend why a discipline scene in my book was still hot to the main character in the big picture, even though it was not in the moment... You pretty much explained it here.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting about this!!
your welcome, i really enjoyed your blog post it gave me lots to think about and it was interesting to read others views.
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Well said. I agree with your thoughts on topic.
ReplyDeleteThanks joey
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We also have a CNC relationship. When we entered into it, I consented to submit to him,my consent is not needed for everything he asks of me. I gave him my consent because I trusted him, and know that he will never do anything to me or require anything of me that will be physically,emotionally or spiritually damaging or hurtful.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, there may be something that I do not enjoy, what I do enjoy is the act of overcoming that hesitation in my submission to him.
hi June
DeleteI do think its an important part of submission to realise that sometimes there are going to be elements we wont particular like or want to do but in being submissive it means not dictating how our submission should be.
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i agree with JUNE and with you of course... i enjoy submitting when it's not something i would normally choose for myself.
ReplyDeletein that sense it's CNC. but we don't use that term around these parts...
oh i like labels lol...they give clarity and im terrible for wanting clarity
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I never thought of the idea of consensual non-consent in the context of a relationship. In stories/fantasy yes - very much so - and i know that's how Renee Rose started the conversation. I gave consent once and for all. So nothing is non-consensual. What you say here is dead on though - i need to be pushed, i absolutely need the security of knowing he will take and push and not back off - whether that's something hot and exciting or mundade and irritating.
ReplyDeletehi greengirl
DeleteYes i agree with the giving consent the once was enough, that was the basis on understanding that my consent would be valid throughout.
I love to be pushed sometimes i dont like it but im all the more better for it in the long run...and knowing that i have given that consent my protests are not acknowledged.
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as long as you are happy is all that matters
ReplyDeleteyep being happy is important for both.
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