Not on the weekend

I rarely post, usually got too much going on, but this weekend everyone has something going on apart from me, so i did what i do best when im upset and stressed, i cleaned the house, started at just after 9 am when they all left to do what they all are doing and didnt stop.  Did the shopping list for next week, i swear if there are any complaints about my choices of dinner next week, knife play is going to take on a whole new meaning, im the one bloody cooking it so the complaining stops now..dont like it, cook for yourself.

So im having a coffee break, im trying not dwell on whats been going on work wise (i will update when i know more), im thinking about my mum and my relationship with her which isnt that great, i wish it wasnt like this, im envious of those that have a close mother/daughter bond, my mum and i cant spend too long in each others company before we are at each others throats.

When i was a 9 years old my mum had an affair, she would take me and my brother who was 11 with her when she went to meet this man, he lived close to a playground, she would drop us there while she went and seen him.  As children we had no clue to what was going on (well i certainly didnt) i was just delighted to be able to go to this huge park that was far from where we lived. 

My dad ran a bar, he worked long hours, often coming home in the early hours, i do remember one night waking up and going downstairs, opening the lounge door and then they were, my mum and this man on the sofa in a state of undress.  My mum told me i wasnt to tell daddy, and i guess at that age you do what your told, i think maybe i knew it was wrong but i wasnt mature enough to understand completley.

My dad eventually found out, a friend of his told him, it was the classic scenario of everyone knew but him, it destroyed him, they got divorced, my mum and this man got together as a couple, still are together now, but i hated my mum, i blamed her for my dad leaving, it drove a wedge between us especially as i entered those awkward teen years and its still there today.

As i grew up i was able to see things with a more adult point of view, i can understand what drove her to have the affair, my dad was and is a wanderful man, a great dad but he wasnt a great husband, he loved her, and was faithful but he was married to the bar, along came someone who showed my mum some attention, took her out, appreciated her, i can understand that.

I changed again when i had children of my own, it gave me another perspective, i couldnt do to my children what she did to me and my brother, i dont mean having the affair but involving us, telling me to not tell daddy what i saw, i know thats wrong now when i didnt then, moving the new man in 3 days after my dad left and expecting us to just accept him and be nice when our whole world as children had been turned upside down.....i cant forgive her for that.

So its there between us, unresolved and unspoken, i think now im bitter that she has re-invented herself, she sits in judgement of other people, of me and the choices i make, im not perfect, i have made mistakes, ones im not proud of, im no angel and nor am i sitting in judgement of those having affairs, this isnt about that.  She sits there moaning about her nephew whose marriage has just ended because he was having an affair, preaching about how youngsters have no commitment these days, and i want to scream at her, tell her to look in the mirror..but i dont, because really desperatley i want to build a relationship with her before its too late.

To clarify..i am not judging, this is me thinking about me and my mum, nothing more.