This whole being owned concept is something mostly i embrace, its more than the kink we do, it slowly pours into all the little cracks and crevices, his ownership surrounds me and somewhere along the way i realised that its just there, it effects my decisions, what i think, my actions, i am consumed by serving him.
I used to think it very one sided, i would argue the unfairness with him when he would make a decision i didnt like (im still working on that!) the scales do tip in his favour but its a power exchange, im getting as much out of this relationship as he is albeit in different ways. What i used to think suffocating i now find comforting, his control brings me security because its unwavering and absolute, it leaves me with no doubts about who is in charge no matter what obstacles i might try to place in his path.
Really i think after all these years it should be easy and some parts have gotten easier, im at ease with this path of slavery, thats not to say i dont have struggles, i do but im more prepared to face them rather than try to bury them and pretend they dont exist. Im still learning, i never want to stop learning, i dont try to strive for perfection anymore, perfection does not exist, he only ever asks for my best, to give him my all and if thats good enough for him then it should be for me.
I love the kink side, its a huge part of our dymanic but its not what defines us and its taken me such a long time to realise that, i always have felt more submissive after a beating or being humiliated, but i would throw it all away tomorrow just so long as i have his control, my obedience and pleasing him is more important...its what makes me most happy...its what makes us both happy.
Being owned allows me to be me, its freeing, there is nothing i need to keep from him, or could try to..he sees through me, its not glamorous, its not easy, its not constant sex or s/m, sometimes its so mundane its almost vanilla. Sometimes i feel like an elastic band and that he is stretching me too far and eventually i will break, and sometimes i complain im not getting stretched enough, i need to stop that and let it flow....instead of thinking elastic...think a piece of string with no idea of how long it is but it doesnt matter as wherever the end is he is at.
There is no set pace, sometimes it feels like im going full speed ahead, no looking back, other times its like im stuck in reverse and then there are times its just a smooth journey, but i do think its good to look back especially when i feel stuck in reverse because i can see just how far i have come, the years have gone by so quickly, i have grown as a person, as his slave and im only just beginning to realise how much of an impact his ownership has on me, whats important and what isnt.
I just need to 'be' and being is whatever he decides it is. So why the hell is it just so damn difficult at times? maybe i make it more complicated than it needs to be? i over-analyse too much? its like bloody Groundhog Day really it is, i think i should just repost this post every day and maybe it will actually sink in that im doing ok with it all.....mostly.
I reserve the right to forget i ever wrote this post and go back to over-analysing and making it more complicated than it needs to be.