There have been some interesting thoughts going on around blogland this past week and i have been trying so hard not to get myself into that overthinking state of mind, plus i have been pre-occupied with work and thats been my primary focus....and well being honest im really finding it hard to focus on blogging, i feel like i have nothing left to say but yet plenty that im thinking about and im struggling to make coherrent posts....so many added to the 'vault' its getting quite full.
I have been thinking about overthinking which seems to be a common trait with submissives, and the struggles that come with relinquishing control and submitting, i can only speak for myself but i do believe its natural because its not the norm in todays society plus us humans are complex characters with a range of emotions.
Happygirl (a submissive friend) suggested that perhaps i should find it easier because the bossman and i started off as Dom/sub but i dont believe this to be true, or rather i dont think its a question of being easier or more difficult just different. It was difficult in the beginning because i would wander if i was as 'good' as his previous subs, would i be enough for him and he was demanding and still is in his expectations of me although i have to say also patient when i still have moments of doubt.
His control was established from the very start albeit in stepping stones as the relationship progressed so did his level of control over me, there needs to be that build up of trust which takes time, i didnt fight against being controlled initially because thats my first 'love' its when it starts getting more intense or perhaps more acurratley when it creeps into territory which doesnt 'fit' with how i viewed being dominated.
So i would try to get him to dominate me how i wanted to be dominated still do try at times so when he would knock that straight on the head the natural instinct was to fight against it which defeats the object of wanting to be controlled, i would get defensive, stroppy and it brought about a discussion between us about the expectations each of us had. He very bluntly made it clear that he was my Master, not my lover/partner, and although its a relationship its one where the foundations of it are TPE and i needed to think very carefully about what i wanted because he was aiming for enslavement. That discussion was i think in the first year we were together.
That may sound harsh, i know i thought it was at the time but its what i needed to hear, he is my Owner, he loves me and i love him but my obedience, serving and pleasing him is priority..what do i get out of it? contentment, im happy, safe and secure because his control provides me with what i need, i thrive on it. Its not always easy, i thought it would be, he instructs and i obey, writing it is easy, in practice there are too many ranges of emotions and conflicts to take into account, but anything worth having and holding onto is worth putting the effort into and well as is said "Rome wasnt built in a day".