Wednesday, 1 August 2007

slave or robot?

He has asked me to write here an explanation of why i have been behaving the way i have, as i have just disapointed Him and for that im sorry, i think to start i need to address how i react and cope in situations that im not sure about and most of all when i get scared and anxious.

Im not perfect, im a fairly normal human being with feelings and thoughts and as well as He may know me in many areas, we still have a lot to learn about each other, flaws and all. I dont handle rejection very well, im insecure and lack self confidence these are my weak spots and its not something i can change overnight, i act out the way i do like i did today because its my way of coping when i feel nervous or anxious.

Im nervous and anxious because of the weekend, i trust Him of course but this does not make it any more easier to handle, i feel under pressure to be able to handle everything He throws at me and im scared of failing or not coping with it if this makes me inadequate then so be it, because after all im human and make mistakes if He wants an automative robot then im not for Him, it hurts when He suggests that i seek someone else because it makes me feel that i mean nothing and am easily replaceable and this in turns makes me even more insecure and so starts a vicious circle.

Im not excusing my behaviour in any way i know i was in the wrong and deserve to be punished but i also think its important for Him to understand that im not fully trained it is still early days, i will make mistakes, but even when i act out its not because of lack of respect, He should know i would never intentionally displease Him, its because im nervous and i need reassurance not threats.

Right now im upset and confused i feel like i shouldnt have feelings and that a good slave would be more like a robot than a human being, actually i really dont know what i think at this moment

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