I admit that i do like my own way even when it comes to being a slave and i wander sometimes if i do top from the bottom to get what i like and as long as it is within my comfort zone im happy. I have thought about this today quite a bit and pondered on the fact that this does not make me a good slave as He has pointed out it is more enjoyable for Him if i was to ask for something i dislike and i find this difficult and as of yet havent asked for anything that i know i will hate, so i have set myself the challenge of improving in this area as i need and want to be pushed out of my comfort zone for my own improvement and for His pleasure.
Actually i take a little bit of that back, i did ask for the inflatable butt plug before the weekend as i felt so guilty over my behaviour towards Him i needed pain and something i didnt like, i chose the butt plug because i didnt feel like it at the time, i dont like it and it hurt a lot, and i even thanked Him each time He asked me to inflate again and again, what i learnt was that i needed that to ease my guilt. So i guess i am capable of doing it i just need to be able to do it at any time not just as an atonement for how i behave.
I no longer feel as insecure as what i used to, im secure in the knowledge that i can be a good slave and want to be for Him and for myself. As well as asking for something i dont like i want to concentrate on obeying straight away and not hesitating or attempting to get out of something, these are two areas i want to focus on as i think there an important element in my training.