I am trying very hard to behave in the way You expect and also how i would like to be, i make mistakes and accept that these can have consequences, i have read through my posts and i meant every word when i wrote them and i still mean them now. Im not annoyed with You at all it is Your right to correct me when im wrong even if i dont see it that way and i know i have a habit of being sulky when You say things i dont like hearing but i do take what You say onboard even if it appears i dont.
You have asked me to write truthfully about how i feel and i will as i always have and although it may not always be what You want to hear it is my perspective on things as they are at the time of writing, and one thing i am pleased about in respect of this blog is as time goes by i can look back and see how my thoughts may or may not have changed and hopefully how i have improved.
I dont want to "serve" another women at all, i will do for Your pleasure i understand therefore that i should want to as it pleases You, when the time comes i will do so to the best of my abilty but i do think for the first time expecting me to be enthusiastic about the prospect is pushing me further than what i can cope with. In time i do hope very much that i will take pleasure in doing it soley for You and will be keen to interact with another women, but for the first time i will find it difficult and distasteful and i need You to understand that. This is why i requested to be objectified and treated as a "thing" just to be used when the time comes, i will find it easier to cope with than having to attempt to force myself to enjoy it, quite simply i will be doing as instructed to.
In going back to what You said on the phone how it should please me as it pleases You, i agree but as stated above to expect this on the first time when You are well aware how difficult i find it i think is unreasonable. I have and do try hard to please You i get anxious and upset if i sense that i have dissapointed You in any way, but expecting too much of me when im trying so damn hard is soul destroying.