sometimes i have the need for pain more so than i do at other times, usually this is because im feeling unfocused and seek the comfort of something i have no control over. I find it difficult sometimes to ask for the pain and if im honest i usually wait for Him to interpret what i need as then its up to Him to decide whether or not i get any and with what.
Today i have been feeling not myself and it was one of these occassions where i needed pain, and it was the inflatable butt plug (personally i was hoping for the nipple clamps) but then if i was to decide what i wanted it would defeat the object somewhat of seeking the control that i crave at that moment as at these times i dont want a choice even should He give me one which is very rarely. But i hate it with a passion, He stated it should be pumped up until i have tears in my eyes and it doesnt take much i got to 4 and i was welling up, it hurt unbearably and yes i know this is what i craved so i got what i asked for and in that respect it served its purpose.
I am going to be honest i hate it that much i was immediatley afterwards weighing up the consequences of what He would do if i intentionally didnt bring it next time we meet, which i know is foolish because im 100% sure He would make me suffer to the extent that i would rather have the damn thing up my ass fully pumped so it wouldnt be one of my best ideas. But nonetheless it has crossed my mind i think mostly because im dreading when He uses it especially if He happens to be in one of His cruel moods as i know He will take pleasure from the fact that i hate it and it causes me a lot of discomfort, plus i know from probably 4 pumps i will be begging for it to come out if not before.