Saturday, 18 August 2007

consensual non-consent

I have been thinking a lot in the last 48 hours of the reality of serving another, probably because its going to happen sooner rather than later i think its just a matter of working around dates. I did just now put having to serve another, but i revised that as having implies that im being forced to do it, and i think to me this is where i define between consensual and consenual non-consent within the agreed boundries of our relationship.

When we initialy started talking He stated that He would give me to others to use as well as other areas of discusion so i was aware that it would happen its not something i have a major problem with, naturally as it is not something i have done before it makes me uneasy and no doubt when it actually happens i will be very nervous. For me without a doubt the biggest area is having to serve another women and be abused by her, its something that to me does fall under non consenual as i dont want to do it, i will find it difficult more mentally as well as physically, but i consented at the beginning that i would do it so hence the consensual non-consent meaning that if i had a choice i wouldnt do it.

I think its all to easy to say "i should get pleasure from pleasing Him" and in many ways this holds true but then wouldnt this imply that i should also enjoy everything which is highly unlikely, when the time comes i will do as instructed and within my capabilites do my best, but i cant lie and say i will be enthusiastic about it. I think my biggest worry emotionaly is that i become withdrawn afterwards and shut down, if i do i dont want it effecting us it will be just be my way of coping with whats happened but i dont know how i will feel until it happens.

I am ready i know i am as much as i would like to try and convince myself im not simply to delay the inevitible, and this is what keeps me focused simply knowing that im secure enough to know that He wouldnt put me in a position i couldnt cope with at all or would be damaging to us.

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