I have been thinking about what makes me a masochist and what is the definition, according to the Oxford dictionary it is "the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation" so with this definition then it would confirm that i am. I try not to dwell to much on how i am this way but since i have explored more with Him and so far have enjoyed most activities and even the ones i havent i have still become aroused, i feel in more of a need to explain why.
I wander if its not just the pain but more of the control aspect and maybe more importantly the person that is in control, being as i tend to start getting aroused when we have contact and not just in person but even verbally over the phone it confirms to me that it is indeed more to do with the whole control aspect and the feeling of being "owned". I hadnt thought at all as myself as being owned until a month or more ago i received a message on collarme from someone asking to speak to the "Owner" and at first i was taken aback and if im honest offended, but the realisation slowly dawned on me that because of the nature of the relationship we have and it is what i prefer then in essence (vanilla life aside) i am owned.
But how do i define what it is to be owned?, how did i get to this point? and how is it expressed?
First off i think im very lucky that i met someone that i felt very comfortable with very early on, and as we have been honest and openly communicated with one another on a regular basis it made it easier for me to be honest with myself and what my needs were. I chose to give up my safeword early on as it felt the natural thing to do there was no pressure on His part, it was something i needed to do and as we have progressed then it has naturally evolved into Master/slave and therefore my choices are limited and again this was not something that has been forced on me it just seemed instinctively right and it works for us.
I can be playful and teasing, i think its important to be able to have fun with one another but remembering the foundations of our relationship, for example when we are together and out and about i am aware that He could if He chose to, place restrictions upon me or depending on circumstances make use of me in public so this in turn reassures me of my place and the amount of control He has over me. I have been asked about how i behave when we are in public, and its not something i have thought about it just seems natural to me that outside of any activities we do He is still my Master and therefore should be shown the same respect regardless of the situation, it would only take a look or a few choice words to make me aware if i push Him too far.
So taking all these factors into consideration it is these that express how i am owned, im fortunate that He does listen to any concerns i may have even if they are trivial, and sometimes but not always He will ask me what i would like but ultimatley any decision that needs to be made is His to make, and i wouldnt want it any other way.