im trying to please You

I am trying very hard to behave in the way You expect and also how i would like to be, i make mistakes and accept that these can have consequences, i have read through my posts and i meant every word when i wrote them and i still mean them now. Im not annoyed with You at all it is Your right to correct me when im wrong even if i dont see it that way and i know i have a habit of being sulky when You say things i dont like hearing but i do take what You say onboard even if it appears i dont.

You have asked me to write truthfully about how i feel and i will as i always have and although it may not always be what You want to hear it is my perspective on things as they are at the time of writing, and one thing i am pleased about in respect of this blog is as time goes by i can look back and see how my thoughts may or may not have changed and hopefully how i have improved.

I dont want to "serve" another women at all, i will do for Your pleasure i understand therefore that i should want to as it pleases You, when the time comes i will do so to the best of my abilty but i do think for the first time expecting me to be enthusiastic about the prospect is pushing me further than what i can cope with. In time i do hope very much that i will take pleasure in doing it soley for You and will be keen to interact with another women, but for the first time i will find it difficult and distasteful and i need You to understand that. This is why i requested to be objectified and treated as a "thing" just to be used when the time comes, i will find it easier to cope with than having to attempt to force myself to enjoy it, quite simply i will be doing as instructed to.

In going back to what You said on the phone how it should please me as it pleases You, i agree but as stated above to expect this on the first time when You are well aware how difficult i find it i think is unreasonable. I have and do try hard to please You i get anxious and upset if i sense that i have dissapointed You in any way, but expecting too much of me when im trying so damn hard is soul destroying.

dehumanization

I have become very obsessed lately with the whole idea of objectification and dehumanization, i have touched on the subject before but now its something that is really attracting most of my attention. I have looked up lots of information on the subjects because i wanted to define the distinction between the two and the effects of dehumanisation specifically. The references i have found are appropriate to how they mean to me.

Objectification : of a person. That is, seeing them as a sexual object, and emphasizing their sexual attributes, while de-emphasizing their existence as a living person with emotion and feelings of their own

Dehumanization: is the psychological process of degrading the slave, making them seem less than human and hence not worthy of humane treatment

I cant explain exactly why i find them so appealing but i think its because i know i enjoy humiliation and these are steps further and i can understand how it does not appeal to everyone as it severely limits communication, for example denying eye contact and speech means i would be unable to communicate with Him at all unless He chooses to communicate with me. I dont think it would make me a better slave necessarily but i do think it would improve my temperment especially when faced with situations im uncomfortable with and more importantly i think a harsh lesson to remind me of my place and make me more appreciative when He does indulge me.

Ultimatley i just find the whole idea hot and cant wait to put it into practice.

a deserved reminder/punishment

I have learnt an important lesson today, it is easy to forget sometimes that i am a slave to Him and even though i am allowed to express my opinion it is not a right and should He choose to He could take that from me. I questioned His judgement and was initially when we spoke on the phone adamant i was in the right and was not going to back down and indeed resented being told different, on reflection after we had spoken i realised how wrong i was and that i had crossed a line and felt that i needed punishment as well as a reminder of what i am.

So hence as i am writing this im not at all comfortable, i have nettles in my bra and knickers as well as a butt plug inserted, my nipples are not that bad they are stinging yes but my pussy is burning and i think that having to cum earlier has intensified the burning. As for the plug it is more uncomfortable as i sit as it is pushed deeper and im not a fan of butt blugs at all, but i will admit that i think i am ready to have a larger one inserted as the one i have is not as uncomfortable as i used to find it.

I take comfort in the fact that my physical discomfort is deserved, it is a reminder of what i am and therefore i would endure it for as long as He specified, emotionally i need it to feel better to pay penance for my behaviour, to put things right again. I think its harder to endure when its a punishment as mentally i beat myself up for behaving the way i do, whereas when its simply for His pleasure as much as the effects are the same i find it easier to deal with as i would be behaving as i should ie. putting His needs and desires before mine, whereas now im suffering because i dissapointed Him and behaved inappropriatley.

for my Master

am feeling low, after talking with You this evening and it was not resolved so its left until the morning to discuss, and i hate leaving issues overnight i just dwell on it and question my position. I find it difficult to maintain a submissive attitude when i disagree with You and this is something that causes me concern as i think i should think more carefully how i express myself when confronted with a disagreement and also i question is it right for me to disagree. Im inclined to say yes as otherwise i think there would be a breakdown of communication between us its important to me that i am able to state if im unhappy about something and then the problem can hopefully be resolved.

I think mostly its when i take or read things the wrong way especially when its an issue that im really sensitive about, You said You was dissapointed with me for what i had wrote in the email and that upset me for obvious reasons and i then feel guilty that i have expressed how i feel, its very easy to misinterpret the written word and i think this is exactly what has happened in this case and maybe i have blown it out of proportion.

what i do find hurtful however is that You implied i do not trust You and this i felt was inappropriate as i trust You 100% , no matter what pain you may choose to inflict on me or to whomever You choose to use me it does not change how i feel about You as i trust You and im sorry if i gave any indication otherwise but never doubt my trust in You.

i love You
Your slave tori
xx

more submissive.......

I have been thinking today about whether i am more submissive after a beating and why it makes me this way. I would say im naturally submissive anyway but i am aware that if a period of time goes by without any form of physical control whether this be when we are together or instructions given via phone or text i tend to start to become more challenging in how i respond to Him. I dont think i do it intentionally or at least i can say i dont do it on purpose to get a reaction because more often than not its not a reaction i like, i do know however when we are together after a caning or whatever He chooses to use i am at my most vunerable and therefore more pliable and likely to submit more willingly.

I dont however think this applies to everyone after all we all are different and i certainly dont condone beating someone just to gain compliance so im not implying that this is the case for me, however i can see in some circumstances as i know how i feel after any form of discipline where it would work for me, simply because i do become more submissive. I think also it has more to do with the fact that as we dont live together and even though we have regular contact when we do meet up i need and want to be put in my place and being disciplined puts me there.

I wander as well if it makes a difference if i enjoy the pain or not and i dont think it does as i tend to feel the benefits more afterwards than at the time which is another reason why im more responsive afterwards. I was speaking with someone who found it strange that i dont get much pleasure at the time, and its not that i dont at all in some circumstances i do if it is within my comfort zone, once out of that no i dont enjoy it but i know within a short period of time afterwards i am comforted by the afterpain and the marks that are left so as much as i may not be thinking it at the time it is worth it.

on reflection

I have had time to reflect and also after speaking with Him i am more able to see things from a different perspective than i did ref. last post. I was angry with Him i felt pushed into something i wasnt ready for, however on reflection i can understand the points He made, it did arouse me and i had a very strong orgasm but i still stand by my point that my orgasms tend to be getting stronger anyway and it is not the act itself alone that makes me aroused but Him and the humiliation of the situation.

I think my intial reaction was based on a few factors, im due on and this is something for obvious reasons He is unable to fully understand it makes me irritible, i havent had a good day and was definitley not in the right mindset to be pushed at that point, but i think most importantly i felt angry that because it was and is a big issue with me (drinking my own pee etc) i would rather have His support physically as afterwards i felt alone and confused about how i was feeling so although i may have been ready i think it was unfair to subject to me to that when all i wanted afterwards was to be with Him in the physical sense, sometimes a phonecall and hearing Him isnt enough and on this occassion it wasnt.

As well if im honest being as i was having all these thoughts going round in my head and no one who really understood me to talk to i felt abandoned and this made me want to hurt Him back, although my only way of doing this would be to ignore Him but i realised that this would only hurt me as well.

I think what i have learned is that i need to trust Him when He says i am ready for something but on the same token i need Him to understand that sometimes its not that i dont want to do something or that i dont wish to progress but that sometimes i need Him in the flesh when confronted with something i have problems with.

what you wanted

I wasnt sure if i should write here now feeling as i do, but as this blog was intended as an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings i am going to. He sent me a text asking me to prepare for Him in the bathroom for watersports purposes, which generally i enjoy so i didnt have any problem with this at all, i knew He was likely to ask me to drink my own pee. I have as of yet never done this and have only swallowed His once and that was difficult enough so it is a big issue to me however i know its something that would please Him. As i expected He did instruct me to pee in a jug and take a sip because i knew this was likely i had built myself up to it, i didnt like it but i was pleased with myself that had done it when a few months ago i wouldnt have, however that was enough for Him, He asked me to take a mouthful and i couldnt and wouldnt i took 2 more sips and i was pissed off (no pun intended) i felt that i had done what He had asked which i found difficult and its one of those times when i felt that no matter what it is never enough.

Then it got worse when i had peed i was wearing knickers which He then instructed me to put in my mouth as in a gag, i really didnt want to and begged for Him not to make me, at this point i was so angry that He was pushing me when i felt i wasnt ready and that i had already tasted my own piss which to me was a big thing. I did put them in my mouth because at that point i realised it was going to become an issue to the extent that i was very close to switching phone off and if i had done that then the issue would not be resolved, i wanted Him to understand how i felt and listen to me but He wasnt prepared to and im annoyed with Him.

I didnt want to hear how good i was, or how i had done well because as far as i was concerned and still am, He hadnt taken into account that i find it hard i had tasted it and if it stopped at that i would have said i had done well and it was a postive experience but He wasnt satisfied He just had to keep pushing and now i dont see it as something i enjoy anymore its made me look at it in a different light and i try hard to please Him but at the moment i feel that nothing ever will and if i dont comply with what He wants at a specific time then im threatened with the option of walking away, and i hate the fact that He has made me feel like this when i think i am trying my best to improve and develop.

feeling down

Im not feeling too good at the moment its late and after briefly speaking with Him this evening it didnt end on a positive note and im going to have to go to bed with things i want to say to Him left unsaid, and i hate that. I was in a 3-way conversation on im with a Dominant and his slave and i felt very alone although i did accept the invitation as i had not at the point spoke to her and was intrigued. I am secure enough in my own positon as a slave to Him and am happy with the way we are developing i do have moments of inadequacy but these are my own problems and He has never made me feel this way i guess sometimes im more sensitive to what He says.

The only way i can sum up how i felt whilst talking to them is that i needed Him to the point that i felt myself becoming withdrawn because it didnt feel right talking to them without Him, no offence to them they didnt say anything that i can say was inappropriate but it felt wrong, i needed His reassurance and His support, it scared me that i realised after signing off that i am dependent on Him in situations that i am not used to. I thought i was confident and able to hold my own but this has proved to me im not and after some thought i have decided that from now on i dont wish to have any correspendence with anyone whom may contact us, i think its best if He deals with any future mail regardless of its nature.

I am sensitive to His moods and even like this evening when He assured me that He was not annoyed with me, i still felt immediatly down as i sensed He was not happy and that maybe i had contributed in some way to put Him in this mood, i know He is tired and this makes Him irritible maybe i am too demanding sometimes.

my pain is always His pleasure

Im sitting writing this in a moderate amount of pain. i have clamps applied to nipples with a chain leading from these to labia clamps, it causes discomfort should i move suddenly and the chain pulls. He sent me a message to prepare the inflatable butt plug as well as the clamps as He wished to hurt me and He did, the plug hurt a lot and it was intensified by the pain in nipples as well as labia. Its difficult to describe the pain but its much like as it sounds, the plug filling my ass and stretching to levels of discomfort, the clamps biting into skin and knowing that the pain will intensify once more when they are removed.

He instructed i should remove the plug as it was ie. inflated and i tried to beg but He was not having it and so i pulled it out that was uncomfortable and as i sit here my ass is throbbing it feels open which of course it is. I was allowed to masturbation and as usually i was wet, still am and the climax was a good one a very good one, i sometimes hate the way my body betrays me but as much as i may dislike the pain its obvious it arouses me a great deal.

I do enjoy suffering for His pleasure in the respect that it is a reminder of what i am and keeps me grounded in my place. Even when it may be at times someone else inflicting pain on me or indeed pleasure ultimatley it is for Him only and at His will.

i love you very much Sir
thankyou

a task

I was given permission to masturbate last night and i was pleased as i was intending to have a bath and i do enjoy masturbating whilst in the bath its peaceful and therefore relaxing, however my joy was shortlived as He instructed that i should use all my fingers to fuck myself and i find this uncomfortable. After He had signed off i watched a little tv and went for my bath, i was relaxed and i dont find it hard to get aroused when i think of us so i started to play with myself, pinching my nipples hard just enough to make me wince, i like to sit up on the edge of bath to actually masturbate and i played with my clit as well as using one finger to enter my cunt intially, i was close to cumming so intensified the pace as well as pushing another finger up and thats when it went wrong i climaxed at that point. I have very little self control when left to my own devices, when i am being instructed verbally at the time of doing something then it is not so hard, but i should have held back and i expect i shall be punished as i admit i didnt try as hard as i could of i behaved selfishly as i wanted to cum then when it suited me.

I felt bad afterwards as i knew i was wrong but feeling bad doesnt justify my actions, nor is it an acceptable excuse and usually i will try to worm out of something i have done wrong but this time i wont as i know i didnt try, and He is always reasonable as long as i try my best and on this occassion i didnt. I am starting to realise that i cant always excuse my behaviour and nor does saying sorry make it any better, i was given an instruction and i disobeyed Him.

consensual non-consent

I have been thinking a lot in the last 48 hours of the reality of serving another, probably because its going to happen sooner rather than later i think its just a matter of working around dates. I did just now put having to serve another, but i revised that as having implies that im being forced to do it, and i think to me this is where i define between consensual and consenual non-consent within the agreed boundries of our relationship.

When we initialy started talking He stated that He would give me to others to use as well as other areas of discusion so i was aware that it would happen its not something i have a major problem with, naturally as it is not something i have done before it makes me uneasy and no doubt when it actually happens i will be very nervous. For me without a doubt the biggest area is having to serve another women and be abused by her, its something that to me does fall under non consenual as i dont want to do it, i will find it difficult more mentally as well as physically, but i consented at the beginning that i would do it so hence the consensual non-consent meaning that if i had a choice i wouldnt do it.

I think its all to easy to say "i should get pleasure from pleasing Him" and in many ways this holds true but then wouldnt this imply that i should also enjoy everything which is highly unlikely, when the time comes i will do as instructed and within my capabilites do my best, but i cant lie and say i will be enthusiastic about it. I think my biggest worry emotionaly is that i become withdrawn afterwards and shut down, if i do i dont want it effecting us it will be just be my way of coping with whats happened but i dont know how i will feel until it happens.

I am ready i know i am as much as i would like to try and convince myself im not simply to delay the inevitible, and this is what keeps me focused simply knowing that im secure enough to know that He wouldnt put me in a position i couldnt cope with at all or would be damaging to us.

pain in the ass!!

sometimes i have the need for pain more so than i do at other times, usually this is because im feeling unfocused and seek the comfort of something i have no control over. I find it difficult sometimes to ask for the pain and if im honest i usually wait for Him to interpret what i need as then its up to Him to decide whether or not i get any and with what.

Today i have been feeling not myself and it was one of these occassions where i needed pain, and it was the inflatable butt plug (personally i was hoping for the nipple clamps) but then if i was to decide what i wanted it would defeat the object somewhat of seeking the control that i crave at that moment as at these times i dont want a choice even should He give me one which is very rarely. But i hate it with a passion, He stated it should be pumped up until i have tears in my eyes and it doesnt take much i got to 4 and i was welling up, it hurt unbearably and yes i know this is what i craved so i got what i asked for and in that respect it served its purpose.

I am going to be honest i hate it that much i was immediatley afterwards weighing up the consequences of what He would do if i intentionally didnt bring it next time we meet, which i know is foolish because im 100% sure He would make me suffer to the extent that i would rather have the damn thing up my ass fully pumped so it wouldnt be one of my best ideas. But nonetheless it has crossed my mind i think mostly because im dreading when He uses it especially if He happens to be in one of His cruel moods as i know He will take pleasure from the fact that i hate it and it causes me a lot of discomfort, plus i know from probably 4 pumps i will be begging for it to come out if not before.

a rant about mail and such

I have become definitley more jaded in how i respond to people that may write mail to us, and as its usually me that has more time i tend to reply first although depending on the circumstances i will ask Him to if it appears that it may be leading somewhere. I am trying hard not to become to despondent as i met Him through ic so im pretty sure there are genuine people out there but i have taken to becoming sarcastic or blunt which is not something im proud of.

Yesterday i received some mail which i replied to and if im honest i wasnt in the frame of mind to pander to someones whims so i was abrupt and said i had no wish to speak to him. However the mail continued back and forth as i do find it very hard to let someone have the last word (not very submissive like i know) and in this case his perserverence paid off he made me laugh, although this does not mean he has a better chance of getting in my knickers which i know are his intentions but i was amused that he was upfront about it, and i actually prefer that approach than someone beating about the bush.

What has come to my attention though is that it seems that the majority naturally assume they are speaking to me, yet the profile states we are a couple so there is the possibility He could respond, yet very few have asked to whom they are speaking to. I do enjoy talking to people but another point that occurred to me is if their main objective is to be involved with me and Him in some way then they are really talking to the wrong person, and to me its a matter of respect that they would go through Him first before approaching me if this is indeed their intentions, it would certainly save a lot of wasted time.

I do appreciate that because as i said in first paragraph it is normally me who has more time to respond then usually i will be the first contact unless they have specifically addressed Him, yet funnily enough this has never happened, and it wouldnt offend me, a couple that we have been communicating with made it clear that they wished to go through Him albeit in a inconspicuous way but i picked up on it and as such from now on any communication will be with them and Him.

Maybe i just expect to much from people

moods

After speaking with Him on im earlier this evening, which is not something we have much of an opportunity to do, i realised i tend to act accordingly to how He is feeling or more to how and what He is saying. I sensed this evening He was in what i refer to as His "Domly" moods not that i am by any means implying that He is not always dominant, more that sometimes it is expressed in such a way there is no mistaking that at these times He is not in the mood for any nonsense. I find that at these times i tend to go relatively quiet and wait for Him to speak simply because there is less risk of me saying the wrong thing and i think more about how i phrase my replies.

I will admit i have taken to labelling His moods and they tend to fall into 4 categories: talkative, affectionate, domly and cruel and sometimes they intertwine with another and i love all his moods for different reasons although i have yet to experience Him being really cruel as of yet so i may well change my mind about that. I think sometimes its hard for people to understand how someone can be affectionate but then also be very cruel to the same person and i cant speak for Him so i can only say how i see it from my perspective.

I know that no matter how cruel He may be to me at times (and i know full well that what i have experienced so far is not as cruel as He can and will be) and as difficult as it may be for me at these times i accept that this is the sadist in Him and it is only one element of His personality, so it makes it all the more special when He is affectionate because i need one as much as i need the other.

Im not sure if that makes sense but it does to me.

the proverbial doormat!...sometimes

I sometimes have a difficult time distinguishing between what i want and what i need, we spoke briefly last night and this subject came about, albeit in a different context and i spent the rest of the evening thinking about this. It seems reasonable to say that as a slave i shouldnt have wants, so i will change this to what i would like and of course there are things i would like to try but does not mean i will necessarily enjoy it. Humiliation is something i definitley would like to explore more of and more so degredation, to me its the stripping away of the ego, taking away basic human rights, enforcing stricter protocol for a set period of time. This i think i would prefer when faced with something i may find particular difficult because if im in a state of mind where i am treated as an object then i can easily adjust and cope with what is happening.

Although it is not up to me i have thought about how i would prefer things to be, when it so happens that we meet another couple, He mentioned a while back that He may decide that i would be bound and blindfolded, at first i wasnt keen on this i didnt like the idea that i would be objectified, but now its most definitley what i would prefer. The appeal is in the objectification itself, just being used soley for whatever He decides, i would prefer not to have to speak unless necessary, in this situation i would prefer to be the proverbial doormat for as long as any activities are happening and until they have gone.

to be owned

I have been thinking about what makes me a masochist and what is the definition, according to the Oxford dictionary it is "the tendency to derive pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation" so with this definition then it would confirm that i am. I try not to dwell to much on how i am this way but since i have explored more with Him and so far have enjoyed most activities and even the ones i havent i have still become aroused, i feel in more of a need to explain why.

I wander if its not just the pain but more of the control aspect and maybe more importantly the person that is in control, being as i tend to start getting aroused when we have contact and not just in person but even verbally over the phone it confirms to me that it is indeed more to do with the whole control aspect and the feeling of being "owned". I hadnt thought at all as myself as being owned until a month or more ago i received a message on collarme from someone asking to speak to the "Owner" and at first i was taken aback and if im honest offended, but the realisation slowly dawned on me that because of the nature of the relationship we have and it is what i prefer then in essence (vanilla life aside) i am owned.

But how do i define what it is to be owned?, how did i get to this point? and how is it expressed?

First off i think im very lucky that i met someone that i felt very comfortable with very early on, and as we have been honest and openly communicated with one another on a regular basis it made it easier for me to be honest with myself and what my needs were. I chose to give up my safeword early on as it felt the natural thing to do there was no pressure on His part, it was something i needed to do and as we have progressed then it has naturally evolved into Master/slave and therefore my choices are limited and again this was not something that has been forced on me it just seemed instinctively right and it works for us.

I can be playful and teasing, i think its important to be able to have fun with one another but remembering the foundations of our relationship, for example when we are together and out and about i am aware that He could if He chose to, place restrictions upon me or depending on circumstances make use of me in public so this in turn reassures me of my place and the amount of control He has over me. I have been asked about how i behave when we are in public, and its not something i have thought about it just seems natural to me that outside of any activities we do He is still my Master and therefore should be shown the same respect regardless of the situation, it would only take a look or a few choice words to make me aware if i push Him too far.

So taking all these factors into consideration it is these that express how i am owned, im fortunate that He does listen to any concerns i may have even if they are trivial, and sometimes but not always He will ask me what i would like but ultimatley any decision that needs to be made is His to make, and i wouldnt want it any other way.

online behaviour!!!!

As im a restless person and a night owl i have taken in the last few weeks to popping into chatrooms, i dont tend to speak much just listen and half the time its not interesting, but i found one room which i popped into and i dont know why but i liked it, and i have gone there quite frequentley in the past week. It is a bdsm chatroom and as with all online encounters you take the risk of meeting wankers or those who are not who they say they are, but i have been chatting to someone on there who is interesting and we have chatted in general not just about bdsm but outside of it as well. I was asked by someone else in the room if i am allowed to chat to others in respect of it being a bdsm room and does it cause feelings of jealousy.

I replied that if i were not allowed then i would not be in the room chatting in the first place and as it should be with most relationships especially in regards to M/s trust should already be established and therefore jealousy is not an issue, however i do take into consideration certain elements, if someone should ask for my personal email or im details i always in the first instance refuse, if i have chatted to this person for a while and they asked i would ask Him permission first.

This is not because He expects me to it is not something we have discussed but in regards to anyone whom i talk to in bdsm circles if i was to give them my im details it would be because they have interested me and therefore to me it is a matter of respect that He is aware of this, and when i say "interest me" i mean in the respect that they can hold an intelligent conversation.

On this note it led to a discussion on how a sub/slave should behave when talking to others whether they be sub or Dom, and to me its fairly simple, i will treat all with respect until they act in a way for me to lose it, how i respond to someone, my behaviour and attitude are in some ways a reflection on Him so therefore i behave accordingly. I have i will admit been at times abrupt on replying to memos that we have received but as He has not called me up on it then i can only assume He did not have a problem with how i responded. If someone has a problem with me and so far i have not upset someone to that degree then i would have no problem with telling them to take it up with Him, and then just sit back and hope He agrees with me.

Im not a fan of roleplaying in chatrooms, it holds no appeal but i do enjoy a good conversation and bottom line is they are there just for that..chat.....i know some take it very seriously and fine if thats what works for them, but i much prefer the reality.

"beat me"...................

There is a phrase that is often heard in bdsm circles "beat me" begs the masochist, "no" replies the sadist" which when i first heard it i thought was pointless as surely it would not only be denying the masochist their pleasure but also the sadists theirs. I have asked Him to beat me and as of yet He has never refused and im not sure how i would feel if He did and as its a large part of our dynamic i cant see Him doing so unless there was specific reasons, which leads me to asking the question can you punish a masochist with pain?

This is a subject that appears with regularity on most bdsm web boards and a topic that i personally believe has no right answer as it is personal to each individual and the circumstances. I used to scoff when i read about subs/slaves (masochists or not) say that the worst punishment they could receive is withdrawl of any contact with their Dom, but i take it back it is without doubt the worst thing He could do to me. It could be said that this is emotionally damaging and has a detrimental effect to the relationship, which although i can understand i can also see how it can be a very effective tool if handled correctly.

However pain is effective as i think no matter how experienced the masochist there is always going to be one form of pain or another that they do not like, for example, i dont like the new whip He has and therefore used as punishment or as a threat even is enough, but as i dont have a choice on when its used anyway would it make a difference if it was used as punishment? yes simply because there would be no reassurance, His demeanour is "cold" and because of my own guilt i would want to endure and not beg for mercy.

switching

I definitley do not identify in any way, shape or form as a switch, im quite content as i am, i have no inner need to dominate anyone yet i have received the odd piece of mail on collarme from male subs asking me to do god knows what to them, and i find myself thinking (albeit after laughing my ass off) would i, could i enjoy it. It is not something i have any wish to find out, i have discovered i have little tolerance of most male subs, although i dont wish to brand them all the same but the ones i have come accross are pathetic in their approach and if anything the only thing i would want to do to them is castration.

He has said on some occassions that there may be a time when He would want me to use/abuse another women for His pleasure, i havent really pursued this subject it doesnt interest me and i would find it difficult, i wouldnt enjoy hurting someone its not in my nature and as much as i detest the idea of another women abusing me even in that situation i wouldnt want to "switch" im very comfortable with being on the receiving end.

I obviously cant say for sure how i would react as i have not been put in that situation and i could well be wrong there is a very small possibiltity i could enjoy hurting someone but do i really want to find out? no because im still discovering myself as a slave and as a masochist and i dont want to risk becoming confused about what i am, when im beginning to understand what i am.


Im not sure if any of this makes sense, but it does to me

comfort zone

I admit that i do like my own way even when it comes to being a slave and i wander sometimes if i do top from the bottom to get what i like and as long as it is within my comfort zone im happy. I have thought about this today quite a bit and pondered on the fact that this does not make me a good slave as He has pointed out it is more enjoyable for Him if i was to ask for something i dislike and i find this difficult and as of yet havent asked for anything that i know i will hate, so i have set myself the challenge of improving in this area as i need and want to be pushed out of my comfort zone for my own improvement and for His pleasure.

Actually i take a little bit of that back, i did ask for the inflatable butt plug before the weekend as i felt so guilty over my behaviour towards Him i needed pain and something i didnt like, i chose the butt plug because i didnt feel like it at the time, i dont like it and it hurt a lot, and i even thanked Him each time He asked me to inflate again and again, what i learnt was that i needed that to ease my guilt. So i guess i am capable of doing it i just need to be able to do it at any time not just as an atonement for how i behave.

I no longer feel as insecure as what i used to, im secure in the knowledge that i can be a good slave and want to be for Him and for myself. As well as asking for something i dont like i want to concentrate on obeying straight away and not hesitating or attempting to get out of something, these are two areas i want to focus on as i think there an important element in my training.

the weekend!!!

The weekend has been and gone and i have some bruising but not as much as last time which is annoying me, although i will admit to be amused at the fact He has a sore cock which i hold no responsibilty for.

I got my own way as i got to suck His cock before any pain, although i guess it wasnt really my own way as it was what He wanted anyway, but it wasnt long before i was made to bend over His lap and get spanked (i am never going to say spankings dont hurt again) it hurt a lot and im going to have a sacrificial burning of my sandals which is appropriate as when He used one on me it felt like my ass was on fire in a not nice way. I finally found out what He had bought and then wished i hadnt, its a whip which is used in dressage for horses, it hurts i dont like it at all, although it does leave nice marks, it curls at the end and thats what i dont like about it, catches on the thigh and i just want to get away from it.

We didnt do a lot of what we had planned but then i havent any complaints apart from the fact i only got caned once and i love the cane, well no thats not entirely true and its hard to explain to myself what i love about it, because my ass really hurt and i didnt know if i could handle any more of it but yet i would have taken more and i think thats what i like, i enjoy having to submit to more of something that i may not particularly want at that time, especially the cane, i was mortified when He put it away.

I think i shall have to get some better nipple clamps, as we found out they are not suitable for adding weights to them, they kept pulling off which i found amusing as well as frustrating as i want to try weights. As for the inflatable butt plug i would be very content if it never came near my ass again but as thats not likely to happen i guess theres no point in dwelling on it, i was really chuffed though as on the Sunday morning we had anal sex with me on top and i came not once but twice i loved it.

All in all it was a good weekend, and dare i say it (will probably regret it) but even the belt wasnt that bad and i could have taken more and a lot harder, i think although i have a long way to go in respect of how much pain i can handle and with what i do definitley need it and want it.

slave or robot?

He has asked me to write here an explanation of why i have been behaving the way i have, as i have just disapointed Him and for that im sorry, i think to start i need to address how i react and cope in situations that im not sure about and most of all when i get scared and anxious.

Im not perfect, im a fairly normal human being with feelings and thoughts and as well as He may know me in many areas, we still have a lot to learn about each other, flaws and all. I dont handle rejection very well, im insecure and lack self confidence these are my weak spots and its not something i can change overnight, i act out the way i do like i did today because its my way of coping when i feel nervous or anxious.

Im nervous and anxious because of the weekend, i trust Him of course but this does not make it any more easier to handle, i feel under pressure to be able to handle everything He throws at me and im scared of failing or not coping with it if this makes me inadequate then so be it, because after all im human and make mistakes if He wants an automative robot then im not for Him, it hurts when He suggests that i seek someone else because it makes me feel that i mean nothing and am easily replaceable and this in turns makes me even more insecure and so starts a vicious circle.

Im not excusing my behaviour in any way i know i was in the wrong and deserve to be punished but i also think its important for Him to understand that im not fully trained it is still early days, i will make mistakes, but even when i act out its not because of lack of respect, He should know i would never intentionally displease Him, its because im nervous and i need reassurance not threats.

Right now im upset and confused i feel like i shouldnt have feelings and that a good slave would be more like a robot than a human being, actually i really dont know what i think at this moment