My first D/s relationship didnt last very long approximatley 18 months roundabout, the very fact that it was my first was what made it exciting because it was all new, i put him on a pedestal because i was in awe of him and i was discovering my submission and new found pleasures. I had nothing to compare to being as i was inexperienced so i held onto the belief that everything was as it should be, i had nagging doubts as time went on but i figured this was because i was new and it would get better as i improved.
Now by no means was he a cruel man and i certainly dont want it to come accross as him being abusive he wasnt. He would constantly criticise me and tell me how lucky i was that he was putting up with me and i should be grateful...i would try harder, constantly seeking his approval which never came, but because i felt grateful for being able to experience D/s and all that this encompassed i figured that it was me that i just wasnt being good enough. I was enjoying for the most part the physical experiences but emotionally he didnt make me feel good about myself..he introduced me to a fair few experiences and for that im grateful but he also battered my self esteem.
There are few reasons that brought us to a conclusion and ironically one of them was i outgrew him, and i dont mean that to come accross as arrogant and big headed because thats not the intention but perhaps more apt is we were not compatible in the long run.....the experiences he gave me were eye openers, they gave me a taste and yet i wanted more, more than he felt comfortable with. More specifically within s/m once it became apparent that i enjoyed pain i would seek out to go further and experiment more and he wasnt sadistic, it built up a lot of frustration because he wouldnt go further when i wanted to..im not saying this makes him wrong or me wrong we just didnt fit.
The other big impact which caused further problems was it became apparent that he was a switch, again nothing wrong with this at all but personally it was a problem for me, i wanted someone to dominate me completley, not someone that wanted to be dominated as well..i know it works for some and by no means am i suggesting it cant but i knew its not what i needed.
So it came to an end, i would like to say amicably but it wasnt, i remember one of his parting comments was along the lines of calling me an ungrateful bitch. I didnt feel much sadness at it coming to end by the time it had all started heading that way the doubts in my head were already planted, i began to realise that it wasnt really D/s not in a good way, again not that it was abusive but emotionally it wasnt healthy...i realised the way he made me feel wasnt how i should be feeling....i let myself get carried away that it was as it should be because i was so desperate to experience.
Were there good times? yes but can i pick one out of my head at this moment no. Im thankful to him for introducing me to a lot and making me realise that i am submissive and what i was feeling and those needs i had were real and not fantasy in my head.