Like the Mary Celeste

I woke up this morning really late nearly eleven when i got up..shame on me but it was bliss, and the house was (and still is yeahhh) empty and unusually quiet what the fuck is going on, Saturday morning its normally a buzz of activity.  I thought i better get on the phone and track down where everyone was and they have all gone out for the day apparently to give me a break and to let me get on with things which is really appreciated, coming up to the end of the summer term and im at my most busiest well Christmas coming in a close second, paperwork, planning and such and i have been working late all week.

So jumped straight in the shower and then set to work and just being able to go about and get on with no distractions was just what i needed, the upstairs in the house are all hoovered, cleaned etc, i have gotten through 7 school reports only another 15 to go sigh...done most of my planning for next week so now well now im typing this (i need a break) and really what i really want is to be able to go up and lie on the bed and masturbate but im not allowed..he isnt too pleased with me at the moment because my recent behaviour hasnt been too good so im being denied pleasure.

The diversity of this community

I love how blogging brings together a cross selection of people that are engaged in an alternative lifestyle and the differences or similiarities between them, one common trait seems to be that there is more general acceptance of others lives even if its not something that would appeal there is respect that thats what does it for them and personally i find it interesting, i like the different perspectives.

I tend to come accross other blogs via comments in one blog, if i read a blog i always read the comments others have put, if one of the comments resonantes with me on some level or im just being nosy i will click on it to go to their blog and so on.and ultimatley you end up with a pool of different relationships that have a common thread ie ttwd.  I dont necessarily comment on all the blogs posts i follow but i do read them mostly, there are times some pass me by.

What prompted this post actually was kitty at http://kitty-sweetsurrender.blogspot.co.uk/?zx=b27770c3a925f8d7 and her comment to my last post, what i engage in and the type of relationship im in isnt to everyones taste and as i follow kitty's blog i could imagine that elements of it wouldnt be to her liking but there isnt anything wrong with that, there was no judgement on kitty's part and i found that refreshing to be honest.

Its a far cry from bdsm or lifestyle sites, chatrooms and forums, it is i think more real and more representative of people lives for the most part.  I started blogging as an outlet for my thoughts etc and that is still a reason why i blog but also because i realise its good to be part of a community where you can laugh with people (not at them) and their adventures, feel sadness, be happy for them and although many in the community will never meet face to face you do in a strange way consider some of them friends.

What i needed

It was nearly bedtime and he came in holding electrical flex..gulp that bloody hurts (not nice hurt!), he instructed me to be lie on the bed on my back, i watched as he put the flex into a loop and my poor boobies and stomach got it, the only thing i will say about it is it leaves the most distinctive curved welts and thats the only positive thing...it hurts a lot.

He had me sit astride him whilst he was sitting up in the bed and offer my tits up for needles which isnt a problem because i love needles im a bit unsure about them in my nipples because its a more sharper pain.  As i sat astride him i could feel the hardness of his cock and i wanted it, i love the blood, watching it trickle down over my tits, i need to keep still and he is going to put a needle through my nipple and i have to offer it up and i do, then i pull away hesitating, if i want his cock i need to offer it up and hold still.

I cry out a little as it goes in but its an instinctive reaction once its in its over, it does look nice i could quite happily keep them in for a time, one down, one to go and its not so much a struggle this time so i get my reward, usually i dont like going on top, my favourite is doggy style but hey im not complaining and it was a buzz having sex with the needles in and seeing the blood dripping and i got a couple orgasms out of it.

I like taking them out myself, he finds it amusing that i get so excited about the blood. is there a kink for people that get turned on by blood? there must be there is for everything else pretty much, the first time he caned my ass to the point it was bleeding i was jumping around in excitment (once he had untied me) i now get a bit disappointed when im not bleeding somewhere after a good session but i understand why he wont always take me to that point and sometimes when im not in the right headspace i cant cope with it.

Enthusiasm

One of his 'issues' with me is my lack of enthusiasm at times, apparently i should be enthusiastic about whatever he decides or wants to do regardless of whether i want it, like it or to be frank just not in the mood.   It doesnt happen a lot but really its not possible to always be enthusuastic i swear, i mean sometimes rather than sucking cock i would prefer be left alone to finish my book, sometimes i would rather be relaxing in a nice bubbly bath than having my ass whipped, i dont outright refuse thats just not acceptable but rather it may be an exagerrated sigh or a "really, are you sure you wouldnt prefer a cup of tea"..well i am English and over here tea is the soloution to everything!

Of course when its the other way around its different and im not complaining because thats just the way it is, sure it can be irritating at times when im in the mood and he isnt and if i get a no then thats it, apparently "no" is not part of my vocabulary.

So yeah being enthusiastic, im working on it...now time to make a nice cup of tea.

I dont like it but it turns me on..bisexuality

Lil over at http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/sometimes-i-like-it-just-because-i-dont.html?zx=7de62dcc322a4c33 wrote this and its a concept that struck a chord with me and its one of those subjects that people will get or wont.

I would not say i was bisexual, i dont as a rule find women a sexual turn on, i can appreciate a good looking women but feel no attraction, i have had sexual encounters with women but its been limited to giving them oral only...literally as in having my head shoved down there.

I think its a man thing in general the whole 2 women scenario, for Master its more than just witnessing the sexual act he enjoys my reluctance and distaste for giving a women oral sex, he knows its something i do because i want to please him and i have no say in the matter its not something i would choose to do, but yet i prefer it over giving a man (other than my Master) oral sex.

The first time he arranged for me to be with a women i was scared, anxious and certainly not looking forward to it, i had tried to get him to change his mind, i protested stroppily, i begged but he wasnt going to be moved.  He tied me to a chair naked with my legs open and put a blindfold on me which im glad of, i needed the security of bondage and the loss of sight to be able to 'escape' into my head, it has the effect of calming me down somewhat.

Then i felt the women between my legs and my natural instinct was to try to prevent it but because of being restrained i couldnt and you just have to accept it because there is no other option, i wanted to hate it, i didnt want to be aroused but i was but in all fairness i was aroused before he started tying me to the chair, she succeeded in bringing me to orgasm which i know seems strange but i felt ashamed, i didnt want to like it.  But i enjoy recieving oral sex and bottom line coming from a women or a man its the same thing, the only difference when Master does it to me is he obviously has the advantage of knowing how i like it and he will tease and torment etc.

My turn.  This was what i was dreading the most, still blindfolded he untied me from the chair, put me onto all fours bent over and guided my head to between her legs..she was lying on the floor. Yuck! thats what i have to say about that, i know i have a pussy as well but ewww i dont like tasting myself and this was worse, i recall trying to pull my head away but he pushed and held me back down so i wasnt going anywhere. 

So i resigned myself to the fact that i had to get on with it, and i tried ok not as enthusiastically as she had but this was my first time and she had plenty more experience than me and really enjoyed it, i was reluctant and uncomfortable, i think i lapped at it like an ice cream without putting any real thought into whether she was enjoying it or not.  I dont know exactly how long he kept me down there perhaps around 10 mins before he let me up, he told me that he was pleased with me and asked the other women what she thought, i cant remember what she said it couldnt have been really bad as i have no doubt if that was the case my head would have been shoved right back down there....i think she actually felt a little sorry for me and even if she didnt enjoy it and thought it was crap she wouldnt have said so.

It was humiliating, degrading, and distasteful now i knew for sure that i didnt like it and i didnt but afterwards i was so turned on and when later that evening we discussed it and i told him that i didnt enjoy it, talking about it turned me on i couldnt keep my hands off him.  The scenario as it was was a huge turn on, i was turned on by having no choice in what happened, having him hold me down between her legs until he was satisfied, the actual act of oral sex on her had nothing to do with it, it was the control over me that turned me on, that i would do something i dislike for him and knowing that he knows that, and also knowing he knows me better than i know myself, he told me all along i would get turned on by it but i adamantly refused to believe it.

There has been more encounters since then with other women, i still feel the same way that if i could i would not do it but the very fact that my voice in this matter bears no relevance and if he wants it it will happen is very arousing.

Short and sweet..well maybe not sweet

Sometimes they are just unfathomable and unreasonable.....and they say women are complicated!

Thats all i have to say about that.

Keeping it in check

These relationships tend to provoke the most intense emotions with the submissive putting the dominant on a pedestal to be worshipped, i guess its easy to get carried away with how wanderful our dominants are, they are the greatest, the best and to be swept away by how they make us feel and for the most part there is nothing wrong with this but sometimes there needs to be an injection of reality, to not let these intense feelings and ideas get out of hand whereby the submissives train of thoughts become blurred and its also what makes them vunerable and rash decisions and declarations are made because of the desperation to please.

You would think this applies just to the newbies when its all new and fresh and exciting, to the more younger and inexperienced but this is not the case not always.   I had made a post recently regarding a sub making a rash and totally inappropriate declaration about her dominant and mouse made a comment in reply to that post which made me think about it from a different perspective, one that i hadnt considered and that of the responsiblitly of the dominant to correct and perhaps manage the subs train of thoughts..to keep them in check.

I would think this is managed through communication, the importance of the dominant knowing whats going through his subs head, no im not expecting them to be mind readers (things i call him in my head sometimes its bloody good he cant read minds!) but talking, listening which seems obvious but yet how often do you hear "he/she doesnt listen, not really listen" or "he/she doesnt like/want to talk about it" and im guilty of the latter.

Im digressing but the point is by talking and listening the dominant can be aware of how the sub is thinking and if he doesnt like a particular train of thought he can correct it, explaining why its not appropriate, this is not about brainwashing the sub to only think what the dominant thinks but rather to avoid the pitfulls of rash declarations like the "i will do anything...." etc.

Personally i tend to shy away from making the "my dominant is wanderful, do anything yadda yadda" type of  posts (probably is more 'lovey dovey' stuff in the beginning when i started out) not because i think there is anything wrong with them but im just not good with being openly emotional in private together let alone in a public setting..but he knows how i feel and thats enough.  Im probably a pessimist as well, seen too many public displays of affection and posts declaring love etc and then a year or less down the line the same things are being said by the same person to someone else so it sort of becomes jaded and meaningless.

oh but i do think he is wanderful..just so you know i do have a heart.

Vanilla tit bits

Fine 10 vanilla tit bits about me (as apparently i dont give a lot away about myself!) because really you do want to know (i know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)
1.  i am or rather was epileptic, i havent had a fit for nearly 10 years, i do find i am prone to panic attacks if i get myself worked up and stressed, im learning to control them and they dont happen so often

2.  i have been banned from a local hotel for sneaking in with a bunch of mates and skinny dipping in their outside pool, i would love to say i had youth in my defence but it was recent enough that i should have known better...but boy it was fun!

3.  i read a lot and tend to have 2 books on the go at any one time, 1 fiction and 1 non fiction, fiction i love thrillers and the classics, read all of Charles Dickens, and the Bronte sisters...love them however  Rebbecca by Daphne du Maurier would be my favourite if i had to name one, non fiction i love history ancient and modern, autobiographes and biographies not of celebs though more real people if that makes sense.

4.  scared of spiders and am yet to be concinced otherwise that their not evil creatures out to get me....enter my home and they get destroyed...handy tip..hairspray slows the creepy little critters down so you can destroy them...they MUST be destroyed

5.  im terribly scatty and clumsy and have no sense of direction so prone to getting lost if somewhere i dont know...i need to be microchipped so im easily found apparently!

6.  i work with children that have learning or/and behaviour problems, my job is very important to me, i love it

7.  i never wanted children, i have 2, one planned, one not, and i love them to bits but the whole maternal instinct didnt come easily to me which some women find shocking when i admit that..but there it is..its out there!

8.  i prefer the radio to the television, but i love going to the cinema and the theatre to watch live shows, The Phantom of the Opera being one of my favourites most of Andrew Lloyd Webbers shows are

9  im not a follower of fashion, i wear what makes me comfortable not whats 'in', but i admit to having a handbag problem...i have too many

10.  i like answers to everything, i question why a lot, i guess what really intrigues me is why im like i am ie submissive and masochistic..i have too many questions and no definite answers

How long is a piece of string?

I have been asked by people "how much does it hurt" i have said it myself to people but its really one of those questions that does not have an exact answer, i have had a tattoo done and didnt find that painful but it depends on where its done, size, i have had 2 children both casareans (i cant give birth naturally) it was uncomfortable but i wouldnt say painful, i hate the dentist it hurts, i have had my legs waxed and screamed blue murder, i have stubbed my toe and cried like a baby....there are so many variables...but mostly in regards to s/m how can you define how much something hurts...you cant.

I do find it fascinating how people relate to pain in different ways, how much it varies depending on mood, and in a womens case time of the month, there does seem to be no constant, he can use the same implement on me one day and i will be fine, use it another day and i will struggle to cope with it, so it could hurt in a nice hurt way or a bad hurt way but i struggle to be more specific than that.

Its like the cane which tends to be one of those implements that is feared, but much like most implements its dependent on other factors, what type of cane, part of the body, how hard, warm-up, no warm-up but most of all where the persons headspace is both the person wielding it and the one recieving...and of course a persons level of pain tolerance.  The cane is  my most favourite implement, when allowed to choose i dont know why he asks because he knows i will choose it.

Given a choice between an over the knee spanking and a caning i would opt for the caning (more specifically a caning i like, he knows what i like)  every time, people have said the cane hurts more but i would disagree, i find an over the knee spanking more distressing, humiliating and to me it hurts but this is more because of the way it makes me feel rather than it necessarily being really painful in comparision to other implements.

How much does it hurt? how long is a piece of string?

Nothing nice to say?...say nothing

I was reading a post that a slave had made on a uk bdsm site which i used to contribute to but no longer do, for the reason being that in many ways it was like being back at school, the cliche groups, the bitching, my school days are long gone and i have no wish to re-visit them! but i got to know some nice people so i still occassionally check back in and those i got to know and like i keep in contact with via im and other mediums.

Anyway as i was reading this post i started cringing my thoughts being "you poor cow you are going to be ripped to shreds"  and she was and i felt sorry for her, part of me wanted to comment not because i necessarily agreed with some of what she had written but to reason and debate the logic of some of the outright nasty comments that had been made already...but for the reasons already given and also i dont need nor want the drama i didnt.

So the post it was an open declaration of love for her Master which is nice, but it went on...i would do anything he asked, commit murder he if wanted, i love him more than my own son...the Master is married to someone else who is unaware of her existence.   So yeah there were a few elements for people to pick up on which they did and subsequently went in for the kill....understand why i was cringing ?

I get how its easy to carried away with these relationships most especially in the beginning and consumed by the intensity of it all, been there done that but no i have not got the t shirt, i dont know and can only assume that the post was made in one of those moments, without real thought put into what was being said and the repurcussions of it...add a bit of naivety and well can we say been there done that again.

What i did find bewildering was the majority if not all the nasty comments and some were vicous attacks were made from submissives and slaves, now of course we are all human heck i can be a bit of a bitch at times but it was the lack of compassion and understanding that took me aback.  We are not going to agree with everyone all of the time but it is possible to make constructive critisicm without the nastiness and if unable to do so simply dont comment at all...the comment i really wanted to make in response to all the vicous  nasty ones was "your Masters must be so proud of how you conduct yourselves" but im pretty sure the sarcasm would have gone straight over their heads.

When they dont find it funny...dont provoke a sadist

The bossman has a habit of saying "uh hu" when im talking trivial shit or building up to what i believe is a good line of reason to get him to change his mind about something, it irritates the life out of me because its dismissive but i do chuckle, obviously if i have something important to say then i dont get that response.  So today i replied to him in conversation with "uh hu" he was/is not amused, i meant it in a witty amusing way because he does it to me but it wasnt recieved in the way i intenteded...do as i say not as i do comes to mind....and oh yes i know all about that because being a parent i use that line to...but anyway he didnt find it funny, he considered it disrespectful.

It was minor, i have learnt to be careful about biting off more than i can chew.

I suspect many have read or perhaps even some have dared to taunt their dominant with those witty quips you know the ones like "you hit like a girl" or "have you started yet" etc etc i have read these and i have giggled but being a coward and having learnt a lesson in the past i dont say them not to the bossman.

He doesnt like bratty behaviour and those witty quips are what he would call being bratty, i call them amusing and perhaps playful or having fun, yes of course its knowing when its appropriate to have fun and when its not and that comes down i guess to knowing each other well enough to know where the line is drawn but even then sometimes what i find witty he clearly doesnt.

I dont cry easily not from pain alone, no im not some hard ass i cry more from emotions such as the times he has expressed his disappointment in me i inevitably end up in tears, i dont like him seeing me crying it makes me feel weak and vunerable although i have learnt that this is not the case, but it used to bug me that i seemed unable to cry from pain alone because im damn sure it hurt.

So in one of my finer moments (not) a  long while back we was relaxed and talking and thinking myself clever and funny i passed comment that he couldnt make me cry, it was meant lightheartedly he took it as a challenge and i didnt intend it that way, or maybe i did, perhaps subconciously i was looking to 'play' but certainly was not meant in a provoking way.

He secured me to the cross and used a single tail on my back, i didnt get as far as 4 lashes and the tears were flowing..there was no 5th mission was accomplished, at that point in our relationship it was well beyond what i could handle up to then he had just used floggers building my tolerance level up and up and he had never used that whip before on me full stop.....i cant say im too fond of it now either.

I dont think its wise to provoke a sadist in general, they enjoy pushing the boundries, the limits, seeing the distress, the tears, hearing the begging to stop if anything it compels them more... im not saying this implies to all.

Shaving dilemma

I have been wandering about epilators (anyone use them?), at the moment i use just good old razor and shaving cream but its such a pain having to keep on top of it all the time.  I tried waxing and it bloody hurts and not in a way thats nice, although that was many years ago so perhaps its not so bad now but the truth is im a wimp so im too scared to go and find out.

He likes me clean shaven...everywhere i have tried to let him let me have hair down there but the man just wont budge...its not to my taste i would like some, i wouldnt want to go completley natural because i dont like that either but i dont think the word compromise is in his vocabulary strangely enough.  If its not done properley he will get the tweezers out and ouch need to avoid that although it could be worse in one of my defiant moments of saying i wouldnt do it he threatened to sew my lips together (not the ones on my face) and being a man that doesnt make idle threats..yep i always shave.

So eplilators im considering it, but there pricey and i dont want to spend money on something that is not really good at its purpose and it hurts, some people say its fine, some people say they are useless....i dont know maybe i should just stick with the razor....i just want a quick soloution.

Answers on a postcard.

I am conflicted about calling myself a slave, i used to a lot but i was naive and caught up in the romance of what it meant, now, well now i have a clearer understanding and im unsure of what it means to me, i know what it means to my Master and the expectations that go with that and so i work, we both work to his expectations, its led me to questioning why its seen as acceptable to give everything that you are to your owner but yet retain responsibility for yourself.

If your going down the route of internal enslavement or consenual slavery that requires a lot, much much more than just blindly following instructions and having your ass beaten, you are essentially putting all your trust, decisions, choices etc in your owners hands...so does this not include responsibility of ones self?  if thats the case wouldnt the slave be holding back from her owner by retaining her own responsibilty?

I dont mean being responsible for cleaning the house, cooking dinner, being competent at work etc, its deeper than that, i mean emotional, mental and physical responsibility, because on the journey to consensual slavery all these emotions, feelings are in direct relation to the internal enslavement. 

Its scary to go down this road and its a long long road not a quick walk around the block, it means the slave being open and vunerable to the owners decisions, choices, this does not mean being weak or being a doormat and certainly not some brain dead robot!  the slave is still capable of making an opinion, a choice, decision but is content to have them made for her in a healthy M/s dynamic....key word healthy! 

So im back to wandering about being responsible, how can a slave retain personal responsibility when everything she is is her owners?  when he has made the decisions, choices?

Recycling

At this moment i feel like everything here ie the blog is just recycling over and over the same thing, same emotions, same struggles just one big huge circle.  I like my blog i do, didnt at first it wasnt my idea, i didnt set it up and i sure as hell didnt see the point.   Ok yes i obviously came round to the idea and i see its benefits, i can ramble away to my hearts content and even if i dont think im giving too much away i do or he does think so should i say....so its insightful for him apparently.....(so if you do take it all in how about that beating i asked for yesterday?) soon yes i know soon...but whens bloody soon!

Im more of a listener than a big conversationalist believe it or not! and sometimes like at the moment im happy to just listen or in blogger land read what others have to say, i like hearing different views and opinions whether i agree with them or not...im just not feeling i have much to say.....it will pass no doubt, im just in a melancholy kind of mood.

Boring obedience

My mate suggested to me that it must get pretty boring having to do as im told all the time, and i guess i can sort of understand how it can be seen that way, of course the key word is 'having' i dont have to, i want to coz well i like being controlled and dominated.  Im not missgoodytwoshoes i have my moments..the drastic hair cut comes to mind! but yea i guess you could say that the majority of the time i am good and i strive to be.

I know the bossman can come accross as being really strict and set in his ways and thats because he is, but i need and want this it provides me with security and i know where the boundries are, if i choose to cross those boundries im also fully aware of the consequences...and he is very hot on the "actions have consequences" theme.   Punishments arent nice, there not meant to be, but i need them and accept them when they occur because for me i need it to restore the balance if you will, to have a clean slate, they are not given on a whim and its generally when i have been deliberatly disobedient or behaved in a way that is not pleasing and i should have known better.

Thankfully i dont get punished very often, certainly not at much as i used to in the beginning..so thats progress right?  i guess because he is set in his ways and carries through on what he says im under no illusions of what behaviour is acceptable and what isnt.

Thats not to say its a piece of cake it isnt, sometimes i think his decisions are completley unreasonable and i will say as much, sometimes albeit very rarely he will reconsider after listening to what i have to say but if his mind is made up there is no budging the man....it will be as he said...this can be annoying, frustrating and bloody antagonising but i know where i stand....mouse's suitcase situation came to mind as i typed that.

He likes obedience..i know what a revelation..a dominant man liking obedience!, so he doesnt find it boring me doing as im told all (ok most) of the time, he likes things to fit into place..including me..does this make him sound stuffy like? yes i guess it does but another way of looking at it is he is a man that knows what he likes and wants and how he wants it done.....he likes control and order....oooh another revelation.

He doesnt like his authority being challenged or dictated it shouldnt need to be because by now control is firmly established through the build up of trust, consistency and having those boundries in place...this doesnt mean i dont struggle against it because i do on occassions.

Im not making a good argument in defence of why it isnt boring..but i guess you will either get it or you wont.  Not that i explained all this to the friend because its well not easy to explain, im not even sure i actually achieved any sort of explanation..much like many of my posts they go off on a tangent.

ETA by no means is the bossman perfect and im certainly not, sometimes unexpected change occurs which is out of either or both of our control, everyone is prone to mistakes, errors in judgement.

Through rose tinted glasses

My first D/s relationship didnt last very long approximatley 18 months roundabout, the very fact that it was my first was what made it exciting because it was all new, i put him on a pedestal because i was in awe of him and i was discovering my submission and new found pleasures.  I had nothing to compare to being as i was inexperienced so i held onto the belief that everything was as it should be, i had nagging doubts as time went on but i figured this was because i was new and it would get better as i improved.

Now by no means was he a cruel man and i certainly dont want it to come accross as him being abusive he wasnt.  He would constantly criticise me and tell me how lucky i was that he was putting up with me and i should be grateful...i would try harder, constantly seeking his approval which never came, but because i felt grateful for being able to experience D/s and all that this encompassed i figured that it was me that i just wasnt being good enough.  I was enjoying for the most part the physical experiences but emotionally he didnt make me feel good about myself..he introduced me to a fair few experiences and for that im grateful but he also battered my self esteem.

There are few reasons that brought us to a conclusion and ironically one of them was i outgrew him, and i dont mean that to come accross as arrogant and big headed because thats not the intention but perhaps more apt is we were not compatible in the long run.....the experiences he gave me were eye openers, they gave me a taste and yet i wanted more, more than he felt comfortable with.  More specifically within s/m once it became apparent that i enjoyed pain i would seek out to go further and experiment more and he wasnt sadistic, it built up a lot of frustration because he wouldnt go further when i wanted to..im not saying this makes him wrong or me wrong we just didnt fit.

The other big impact which caused further problems was it became apparent that he was a switch, again nothing wrong with this at all but personally it was a problem for me, i wanted someone to dominate me completley, not someone that wanted to be dominated as well..i know it works for some and by no means am i suggesting it cant but i knew its not what i needed.

So it came to an end, i would like to say amicably but it wasnt, i remember one of his parting comments was along the lines of calling me an ungrateful bitch.  I didnt feel much sadness at it coming to end by the time it had all started heading that way the doubts in my head were already planted, i began to realise that it wasnt really D/s not in a good way, again not that it was abusive but emotionally it wasnt healthy...i realised the way he made me feel wasnt how i should be feeling....i let myself get carried away that it was as it should be because i was so desperate to experience.

Were there good times? yes but can i pick one out of my head at this moment no.  Im thankful to him for introducing me to a lot and making me realise that i am submissive and what i was feeling and those needs i had were real and not fantasy in my head.

Guilty time out

Its been a really busy weekend which has carried on through to Monday and today being as its the huge celebration of the Queens jubilee, so im just looking forward to getting kids to bed and having a glass (or 2 or 3) of wine.  We had a huge party in the school sports field thankfully the weather co-operated, i got lumbered with doing 4 hours of  face painting due to someone being sick....art is not my thing but the children were happy and thats all that mattered.

I have been to church as my daughter was playing the flute in the service, attended 2 street parties with my daughter with the guides then the drama group she attends, took my children to see a beacon being lit up high on a field out out of town, sat through my sons rugby tournment in the pouring rain, went with my mum to her retirement dinner and had my nephew to stay one night as he left home after arguing with my brother.....its been a long tiring, stressful long weekend mostly doing for others...so why do i feel guilty today just wanting me time.

Sometimes i would love an 'off' button just occassionally....so i will settle for just a few hours of time out.

Subjugation

Since reading mouse's post http://aslavestale.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/sweetest-hmm-pet-in-world.html i have been pondering over subjugation, i had heard of the word but couldnt give an explanation for what it meant so i had to google it and taken from the Oxford English dictionary: to bring under control or domination, especially by conquest, to make someone subordinate to.....

To be honest on reading this definition my first thoughts were along the lines of being similar to a wild animal that needs taming, to be broken in, which hmm could fit with being submissive and being controlled and dominated and the struggle it can be at times.  Then i pondered the element of being conquered, should i need to be conquered? if he has to make me subordinate and submit that brings me to ask more questions.... but its much more than that which has led me to really thinking about it and trying to get a better sense of the term and its relation to M/s if it fits, i suppose ultimatley its dependent on whether it fits for you.

What i could relate to is mouse's comment of

 "These feelings of being, for lack of a better term, subjugated or made to submit was where mouse really got off. It's important to say, mouse trusts him so thoroughly and deep down knows he'd never do anything to diminish that. Feeling free while bound -- the freedom of the ropes, being bereft of choice and of voice is just bliss."

In particular its the phrasing of being made to submit that i have questioned myself because one thing i do get off on (to use mouses's term which is just so apt) is being made to do something i dont like or i dont want to do and i have struggled with this because surely if im submissive i shouldnt have to be made to submit?  I think perhaps when saying "being made to" it conjures up images of  possible brutal physical force being used, against ones consent, which could give negative connatations.

When i say "being made to submit" its more about not having a choice in the matter which is what turns me on a lot rather than it becoming a confrontational stand off each and every time although there have been a few of them over the years but on those occassions the end result has been that i have eventually submitted to whatever caused the confrontation....it may mean he has to rethink how he has gone about it and perhaps take more time in adjusting me to whatever i was resisting but nevertheless ultimatley he does get the end result he wanted, i dont get let off the hook...he i guess yes conquers.

It doesnt need to be something really heavy, for example i dont like having to lick his cum when he has cum (i have no objections to drinking straight from the source) but if i have wanked him off i dont like cleaning it up afterwards (the man eats too many currys!).  However although i dont like the actual act i am turned on by the fact that i have to do it when instructed to..i have no choice.  Of course there are other areas which are more heavy but the feelings of lack of choice are the same regardless of the act itself.  I find it comforting and it gives me security that these choices are taken away from me, it emphasis my status a status that im happy with..submitting to his will.

So as i have been having all these thoughts swirling around i can see how subjugation is an apt description, it implies lack of choice physically and verbally which is what i, we like in our relationship.

I can understand how perhaps to some this could be seen as going against my consent, most especially in the context of having to do things i dont like or dont want to do, but that leads to the murky waters of consensual non consent which i have my opinions on but im not going there, it needs to be assummed that i am in a healthy M/s dynamic and i am.

Thanks to mouse for giving these me ideas/thoughts and being able to make a little bit more sense of them.