Tuesday 11 March 2014

Uncomfortable truths

Im British, and one thing we have a reputation for is the stiff upper lip, and in my childhood it was certainly the case that displays of emotions were not encouraged, most certainly not negative emotions.   I deal with things that make me uncomfortable by making light of it, joking, laughing it off i guess you could say.

The previous post, unsettled me quite a bit, as i was writing my commentary to his replies i was actually doing so with tears running down my face, its kind of difficult to explain why, but i will try.

I know that i have wrote about s/m on many occasion here, and Fiona was correct in what she said in that the bossman didnt really say anything that i havent already said, but to see it in black and white from his perspective just really caught me unawares and triggered some insecurities.  

It took me to a place which i thought i had long gotten past, that what sort of fucked up person am i that enjoys, wants and seeks out this treatment, its not normal, and how will i perceived, because lets face it we all judge to some degree.

Im not entirely comfortable with my masochism, and when i write about it im in control of my thoughts and what i say, to see his take on it, left me judging myself and not in a positive light, i felt strongly that he gave more insight into this part of me than i ever have on here, and i didnt like that.  So to realise that what he wrote is no more info than what i have previously wrote about and how it made me feel reading it, has me unsettled.












24 comments:

  1. If it helps at all, I thought his perspective was beautiful. It did perhaps offer all the same things in a different light, but oh tori, it's a lovely light.

    Dunno, guess what I'm trying to say is that reading it, it felt...Right. What you have is good. You give each other what you need and can laugh together at the end of the day. It doesn't get much more okay than that.

    I think I may have to go home and ramble...Because I know how you feel about the things that you like. I sooo get it. But only for me--like everything you want is okay no matter how twisted, but I feel differently for myself and what I want isn't always okay with me. I think it's like that often for many of us...
    I quit making sense. Sorry!

    I did have the thought earlier while writing my last post, that Q & A is all fun until the discomfort starts in some form or fashion...

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    1. If i was to read on someone elses blog then i would think the same thing as you said lil, that it was beautiful.

      I wasnt expecting it to hit me in such a way, when his other post although it niggled me it didnt upset me, this one did, it tapped into my insecurities in a huge way.

      After much discussion about it, what caused me to get so upset, i feel a little better about it but its playing on my mind, bringing things up that i dont like to address.

      thanks lil

      x

      Delete
  2. Aw, Tori!

    I love your blog because it's one of the few places where I see a similar dynamic to mine.
    I love your blog because I truly enjoy your intellect.
    And I love your blog because it makes me feel less alone when these thoughts start to creep in.
    From my little corner, no judgments, just admiration and gratefulness that you're here.
    Hope you feel better about it all, soon.

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    1. thank you bleuame

      It just got to me in such a way that i wasnt expecting, i didnt like it, it brought about emotions that im not very good at handling.

      i will feel better about it, but im not there yet, its playing too much on my mind.

      x

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  3. British reserve is responsible for masking many feelings, good and bad...
    It is much harder to read other's words about things we write about, even if they are conveying the same information. It is because they are from a different perspective and immediately you are looking in, not out. Nothing in the previous post surprised me, I read the words of somebody who I think respects you, understands you and appreciates you.
    As for sadomasochism, it is a mystery. So is much of human psyche or why would we spend so much time delving into it?
    hugs
    DF

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    1. thank you DF

      Yes, you pretty much hit the nail on the head here, it made me look at myself , and i didnt like how it made me look, which is irrational considering it was not that much different than what i wrote, but when i write it...it just seems different.

      x

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  4. I thought his answers show how well he knows and sees you and what a perfect fit you are.

    No judgment here. I'm very thankful for all that you share here on the blog. So often it's helped me feel normal when I first discovered I liked pain. Sorry you are hurting (and not in a good way)

    ((((hugs))))
    aurora

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    1. thank you Aurora

      i was not anticipating such a reaction to that post, it seemed to come out of nowhere, i found it difficult to read being as it was from his perspective.

      x

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  5. aw, tori (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you were upset and discomforted.

    I have to admit, I couldn't work out what was TMI about his response!

    I have no trouble accepting my masochistic side when it comes to pain, it's just another sensation in my book - so I like scratching and pinching and biting as much as I like soft stroking - so what? Sort of thing,,,

    But I do struggle when it comes to my love of humiliation and degradation and the fact that I'm a bit of an emotional masochist too, I struggle as to why I am that way and how it can be healthy and... all that, you know?

    I suppose it's cathartic, and the intimacy and trust involved is enormous and amazing and at the end of the day the endorphins that get triggered are awesome - and addictive!

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    1. I know its irrational, especially as in respect of his tmi, when i talk about it myself, but it was a difficult read for me, it made me self reflect and i didnt like how it made me feel.

      its been a struggle with me off an on accepting that i like the things i do, that post just triggered that struggle.

      x

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  6. Tori,
    I love your blog. I feel the way you do. Sometimes after a very hard scene I am marked amd bleeding. I think I am not normal, but I feel wonderful. So, I think fuck normal. I am who I am.

    Hug,
    Joey

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    1. thanks joey

      normally im of the same attitude.....fuck it i am who i am...

      but that post got to me, coming seemingly from out of nowhere, bringing thoughts to the surface that i didnt like.

      x

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  7. "Im not entirely comfortable with my masochism"

    Maybe it's not such a bad thing to be unsettled? Maybe making you think will help you to get over not being entirely comfortable with your masochism?

    My motto is "why be normal" ... look at those "normal" people around you? Are they happier than you? Are they better than you? I bet you 95% of those "normal" people are living lies and killing themselves trying to be society's standard of "normal". You are loved, and you are strong, and you are intelligent, and you are well respected here! So FUCK NORMAL ... be proud of being you & enjoy the ride!

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    1. this made me laugh.....thank you

      usually im ok with all of this, and we're still trying to get to the bottom of what kicked off this major over-reaction from me, that post was a difficult read for me, self reflection can be a good thing most of the time, this time i struggled with not liking what i saw...if that makes sense.

      x

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    2. I am glad that I could make you laugh! :D

      And you make perfect sense to me. I actually think it's a good thing to get confronted by the uncomfortable (once in awhile) .. it forces you to deal with things you didn't realize needed dealing with & hopefully resolves issues & lets you learn & grow. ... if THAT makes any sense.
      ;)

      (((hugs)))

      Delete
  8. I'm not British, but Master is, so I know the reserve to which you refer. I was taught as a child that emotions were not safe to express too, so it may be more than just a British thing. I, too, loved the last post. I loved it because Bossman seems to know you so very well, and know himself too. There is an aspect to BDSM that is edgy and undefined...but if two people consent and "get" the other, who cares what others think? Normal is an oddity...I believe it doesn't exist. If "normal" is defined by the masses, they seem miserable and unfiulfilled. I'll take being "abnormal" any day!

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  9. I'm sorry you were upset too. I thought his answers said everything you have said about him, that is, a very real picture from the other side.

    I get feeling uncomfy with masochism, but who needs normal anyway? We need what we need.

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  10. Ok, Tori. Now I feel like shit. I am so sorry! I was not as supportive in my comment last time as I could have been. I am really sorry. I think we have all had those insecurities...the voice that says "what is wrong with me". I have them periodically and I know many other who do as well. I think his answers were really a wonderful insight and confirmation that you two fulfill eachothers needs and wants beautifully. That is a gift.

    Huge hugs,
    A very sorry fiona

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    1. you have nothing to be sorry for fiona, honestly.

      That post just triggered this reaction in me, his other one didnt. Its my insecurity that made me upset, anxious nothing you said, that i can assure you.

      x

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  11. Aww Tori, I am so sorry your last post left you feeling upset and I think we all struggle with these insecurities about ourselves at times. I know I sure do.

    I too think his responses showed how in tune you are with each other and that you give each other what you need. That is what matters.

    No judgement here. I truly appreciate everything you share and hope these feelings dissipate soon.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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  12. Tori,
    I don't know if peoples' comments are encouraging or making you more uncomfortable - but truly those of us 'out here' respect you and appreciate you and we are all in the same boat in our own way.

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  13. I was thinking about telling you why I sometimes think this way, when I reread what I have written, but I can't bring myself to say it...all I can say is that it is not fun to feel that way, but you already know that so...HUG!

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  14. just sending more thoughts and hugs your way.

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  15. I agree with so many here, what your Master wrote was just beautiful. What the two of you share together is wonderful. I know it was unsettling to you to hear it through his words but please know his words were said and taken as his love for you as his girl

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