Monday, 17 March 2014

The domino effect

Identifying what triggered me to have such an adverse reaction to that post has taken some time, and im still not 100% at ease.

It started with one thought, that caused a domino effect of emotions which spiralled out of control, by the time we got to the following day i was wanting s/m taken off the table, i didnt want it, didnt need it, i wanted to take my masochism, put it in a box and bury it deep.

The 'domino' that set it all off was when i went to publish his replies, my immediate concern was what if he got asked follow up questions and they were of the nature of delving more into s/m, or humiliation, what has he done in his past or we have done etc....

and i panicked, because although yes i do discuss it, i choose what information i provide, and when i do blog about s/m sessions or humiliation scenes we have, i tone it down, or rather i omit all the details (not always), which isnt a big deal, im sure not everybody spills all about everything....and somethings are just simply private, and rationally i know there is no expectation for me to lay it all out.

I dont and didnt want elements of our relationship aired in public.

This then caused the knock on effect.

I sat analysing, over thinking, (as i have a tendency to do) about my masochism, and as i was writing replies to my last post i was getting more paranoid, and i got taken off blogger, made to step away until these irrational thoughts were dealt with.

In the past when i first struggled with my masochism, i took the route of deflecting it on to him, that because i had no choice in what happened, i therefore held no responsibility, he was simply the 'horrible' man doing these things to me.

Which was easy to do when any and every form of s/m was initiated by him, but it didnt stop the feelings of guilt and shame surfacing every so often which we talked through a lot, so many times, he would get frustrated with me that i seemed to see it all as not being normal, i would get frustrated with him that he couldnt understand where i was coming from, in that it wasnt normal, i would declare that he has made me like this, made me enjoy these horrid things that i didnt like.

His answer to that was and still is, he only brought out of me what was already there, and if wasnt him it would, could have been any other sadistic dominant that recognised they had a masochist on their hands....and i wouldnt have that.

What changed, and eventually made me more accepting was when he stated that i had to ask for pain, to be specific in what i wanted, he wanted me to beg him to hurt me....and i was so sure that was not going to happen.

But it did, and i didnt hold out for very long, it was difficult for me to ask, it made me uncomfortable, awkward,  but i guess it proved that if you want something bad enough you will get past that, and i wanted it, i missed it.

He encouraged me every step of the way, and i forgot about the feelings of shame, whether it was wrong or not, it didnt matter because its just us two, its not effecting anyone else, and once i got going there was no holding back, he loved and still loves teaching/showing me all the different ways he can hurt and humiliate me and i lapped it up.

I had and have no problems since then asking, there is nothing left fantasy wise in my head that he is not privy to, he has never made me feel like im a freak, no judgement when some of the things that come out of my head, are in my mind quite disturbing, he embraced it, and because he did, so did i.

But that post had all those old feelings/thoughts come to the surface, and after a pep talk, reassurance, taking a step away i can see that if i had just gone to him in the first place with my concerns then it more than likely wouldnt have spiralled out of control, but me being me, i let it build up until it just exploded.

It was not anything that anyone said, it was my insecurity, and i appreciate the supportive comments, i really do, but it was difficult for me to hear them because i felt weak that i had openly displayed a vulnerability, and that doesnt make me weak, i think, or at least im trying to get that in my head.


I know i have questions left to answer, comments to follow up on, posts to catch up on, i will get to them soon.

and what the bloody hell has happened to my blog, there are links all over it!


  1. I guess we never know when we are going to hit an emotional landmine.

    I know you will come out of this stronger than before. You are a strong person already.

  2. I am having problems with the linky things too... they're driving me nutso.

  3. Sending lots of hugs tori. Been there a lot.


  4. This has just happened to me for the first time and all I can do is send you lots of love and hugs

  5. It amazes me how we all process. Obviously, I share quite a bit. Not all of it. A lot is left unwritten. Accepting my masochistic side has been extremely tough. I don't understand it at all. Writing has helped me. Not because I want the comments, but because I either write immediately or a few days later to help me process it.

    Sir is like your Master. No judgement. He helps me embrace who I really am.

  6. I'm glad you Master was able to provide some reassurance and I really hope you are feeling a bit better. I think those insecurities rear their head from time to time for many of us.


  7. Weak? No. I wouldn't say weak at all. Transparent, honest, brave and vulnerable? Yes. Those seem a more accurate description from this side of the screen. I'm behind so I had to go back and read the last few posts to catch up, but I thought they were lovely. And for you to be so open about your struggles is why I read here. I used to blame EVERYTHING on Master. I couldn't accept that it was me too. I'm just now finally coming to accept who I am. This post...your struggle...makes me feel a little more normal. That it's ok to be who I am and that it's ok that it's not always easy to accept. Thank you for being open.


  8. Tori,
    Hard stuff. Hugs and hugs and hugs and tons of good, supportive thoughts to you.

    Sometimes, when I struggle with the emotion of it all, the darker feelings of guilt and shame...I come through it and back to a stronger place of ease, balance and harmony.

  9. ((((HUGS))))

    you know, one thought has occurred - I've heard before how chicken pox in adults can cause heightened emotions in the convalescence - how you can feel really crappy, basically, so I just wondered if that might have been a factor in you being surprised at the strength of your reaction?

    either way, it blows goat and I hope you feel better soon xx

  10. sending you lots of love and hugs Tori, glad you were able with the help of Master to sort it all out :)

  11. Hugs dear friend. Remember you are read by a whole lot of us masochistic people who have ALL had the thoughts and feelings that you have. It's ok. We understand. We'll support where we can. You are among friends.


  12. Im copping out and making one general comment, which i dont really like to do.

    Thank you ever so much for all of your kind words, it really is appreciated.

    I am feeling somewhat better about it all, but i would be lying if i said i was completely ok, im not but working on it.


  13. I think you are amazing and I am always grateful for your blog and to hear your thoughts and musings on it all.