Friday 21 March 2014

On a bicycle made for two

In discussing with Master our relationship, what works for us, what doesnt, room for improvement etc, he pointed out that a lot of why i struggle sometimes is the attitude i have towards certain things/situations.  I didnt like it, i guess it made me a bit defencive but yet i had to agree (after some contemplation) that he brought to the surface some valid points.

Kink was a huge part of the discussion, well in light of my explosion it was bound to be, i asked him if he thought that because i liked what i do, am i normal? his response "define normal?" and i couldnt and cant, i guess normal is what is considered average...like when you read surveys/figures that say that the average couple have sex around 3 times a week....what is this based on? how many people were surveyed etc, its like reading daily horoscopes, their generic, the chances are something that is said, anyone can apply to themselves.

I know i may not be making sense, but i need to get these thoughts out, its whats helped me to sort through my mess of a head!

Is the idea of 'normal' what the majority of society deems acceptable?  dont have an answer for that!

I suppose though in the view of the majority of society, i would not be seen as normal, my relationship with Master would not be considered normal, but yet its normal to me, to him, and for many others in similar relationships to us its normal, so normal is i would say generic like the daily horoscopes.

Years ago on Informed Consent there was a big discussion, which became quite controversial, a woman started a post that asked how people could engage in and enjoy such acts as face slapping, rape-play, humiliation amongst other things, and be ok with all of this when some woman like herself experienced domestic abuse and she felt it was making light of women that suffer abuse.

 I wouldnt entertain the idea at all of going onto a domestic abuse forum and saying "whats the matter with you lot, nothing wrong with a good hard slap to the face" it would be highly inappropriate to do that as well as quite sick in my mind.

So politely and sensitively it was suggested that this woman was really in the wrong place, the message being that coming onto a D/s, bdsm site and protesting about the postings of s/m and/or the ways people behave in their dynamics wasnt going to go down really well.

And right there is what is bringing me around back to being ok with it all.

Peoples perceptions are generally based on their own personal experiences or what society indoctrinates into us what is 'normal', men as boys are generally taught that its not acceptable to hit a woman, and likewise girls are taught that its not ok to stay in abusive relationships, its not healthy......and thats what caused me some conflict.

Yes, we all know that these (ttwd) are based on consent, i couldnt reason with that argument though, i kept coming back to the fact that our relationship involves the element of non consensual consent, that he can, and will and does decide what occurs in our relationship whether im agreeable or not.

But its more than just being about consent, its about trust, integrity of the dominant, and the submissive.

Im in the right place, with Master, i fit in, im accepted and so its normal.












14 comments:

  1. My husband and I had a discussion like that years ago. It wasn't over TTWD, but it was over poly-exploration, etc. Basically we decided it didn't matter if our behavior fit the norm, as long as our partner was comfortable with it....

    Which I think is basically what you just said.

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    1. Yes, you hit the nail on the head, it is really what is right for each of us that defines what is normal, i just couldnt see that for a time, i do tend to over think things lol

      x

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  2. Hi Tori, very well said, and your last sentence sums it up. Exactly, it is right for you and your Master and that is what matters. Happy to hear that you are feeling better.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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  3. As usual you manage to sum a complex topic in a succinct fashion. Not only are the Brits renown for their reserve, they also are known to be eccentric. That's what I keep telling myself. There is no normal.
    I do like your titles, I always leave here humming a tune, today it's Daisy, your previous post reminded me of Freddie Mercury :)
    hugs
    DF

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    1. lol sometimes i think i make it more complicated and hence why i get my knickers in a twist!

      Yes i think eccentric is quite apt, especially in my family!

      i love that often you pick up on the musical references, nobody else has.

      ooh i really enjoyed Freddie Mercury/Queen, fantastic singer and band, still enjoy them.

      x

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  4. ' i kept coming back to the fact that our relationship involves the element of non consensual consent, that he can, and will and does decide what occurs in our relationship whether i'm agreeable or not.'

    yes absolutely, but - and it's a big but if you'll pardon the pun - its not like you've just merrily jumped into an M/s relationship with the first man you bumped into when you got up one morning, is it? (I now have visions of you being slave to a milkman)
    It's not that you've entered an M/s relationship against your will, or because it's been arranged by someone else or because you're a woman and all women have to or anything daft like that, is it? And it wasn't even M/s straight away, you built up the relationship and trust first, you agonised over the decision, you were meticulous in your thinking about it all, that comes out strongly in posts you write about the beginnings of your relationship and dynamic.

    So yes, you trust him with limits, he has non consensual consent, as it were, but you have done everything you can to make sure you're doing this in a sensible, safe fashion with trustworthy person who ultimately has your best interests at heart, in my humble opinion.

    Now, normal... It's difficult to define what's normal, because 'the norm' is simply what the majority do/are and I rather thing that majority of people heavily edit their truth so that it fits in with what they perceive to be 'the norm' anyway, so actually 'the norm' isn't, at all!

    Maybe a better question to ask, rather than 'is this normal' is 'is this healthy?' and if it is enabling you to grow and strengthen and be more you, even and especially the dark twisted sides, then I'd say it's a pretty good bet that it is!

    (((Hugs)))

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    1. thanks mc

      this made a lot of sense, i know sometimes i ramble and get myself in a state, because i cant see past what is the obvious lol

      x

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  5. tori,

    I agree with all of your points. Well said.

    I am happy being abnormal.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. thanks joey

      yep im happy being my sort of normal, even if its abnormal to others lol

      x

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  6. what mc kitten said! it's a bonus, reading a great post and then reading great comments after that!!

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    1. yep, sometimes reading the comments give me clarity, when i over complicate,

      x

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  7. I agree well said. Daddy has consensual nonconsent over me, too. Although he chooses not to exercise it most of the time. And I agree... I dislike when people try to tell you what a good D-type or s-type will do... as long as the parties involved are happy it's no one else's business. <3

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    1. thanks Princess Monster

      Oh my pet peeve is when people make statements such as "a good dominant/submissive should be/do xyz"...how dare anyone say what someone else should be and do.

      x

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