Friday 18 October 2013

Fantasise, experiment and experience

 "I want him to be sadistic, he isnt he doesnt like hurting me, he is dominant enough but I want more, how can you make them sadists, we are both new to this?"

I did chuckle at this sentence, no offence, it made me think of baking cakes and seeking out the perfect recipe to get the best results!....yeah i know i dont understand the way my head works either.

I think this is about compatibility and determining how important it is to you, i met my Master through a bdsm website so you sort of got the bare details upfront, so for example he clearly stated that he was a sadist so i think its reasonable to say that a submissive who did not enjoy pain and had no desire to try it, would pass on by, i wanted to explore s/m so he appealed to me.....was way more than i anticipated...but thats a whole other story lol

However, im assuming, please correct me if im wrong that this is an already established relationship before exploring ttwd, in which case the circumstances would be different.

Speaking from my own experience, when i got with my Master my experience was very limited compared to his, so its difficult to actually determine what i liked or didnt like because i simply didnt know, yes i could say what didnt appeal to me and what did, but mostly it was a lot of curiosity.

In the beginning we worked around what i knew i enjoyed , what i was curious about, talked about fantasies i had etc, basically giving me the chance, to experience and this opened up more curiosities and well as time went on i became more at ease and even loved what i once was fearful of, and sure i wouldnt enjoy.

In your shoes, i think i would be inclined to go at this from the same way, talk about what you both enjoy, you say he doesnt like to hurt you, but have you put it to him that you enjoy exploring pain, so although it hurts, its processed in a different way.

For example, being a masochist i do respond to pain in a sexual way, i enjoy s/m, but if i stub my toe its not a pain i take any enjoyment from.....so pain is variable..if that makes sense.

Its really down to communicating to each other, perhaps the willingness to explore fantasies, role playing...go from there, sometimes we just need bringing out of ourselves what is hidden, for a long time i struggled with my masochism, it just made me uncomfortable realising that i enjoyed being hurt...again thats a whole other story.

However, i do also believe that really you cant make somebody something they are not, not all dominants are sadists and by the same token not all sadists are dominants, so perhaps the biggest question is...is how important it is to both of you, and dealing with it if indeed this is something you cant compromise on.




















14 comments:

  1. Excellent answer tori. I agree that it is very, very difficult to make someone what they are not.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. thankyou joey

      Yes, it is, and really its just setting one up for disappointment if they try!

      x

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  2. Great post Tori and excellent advice. Communication really is the key and I also agree, you can't make somebody something they are not.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. thanks Roz

      Communication really is the answer to pretty much everything, so important.

      x

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  3. Great amswer, tori. For most part, describing you describes me. Communication is key and time! i know,mine is sadistic, and I do think there is more sadism in Him than i've seen. He is taking it slow, letting me learn (more like realize) things about myself that i have fought hard against accepting..As i'm slowly accepting and pushing my fantasies, He is showing more of His sadistic side.

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    1. thankyou HS

      Taking it slow is probably the best way, i always think the hare and the tortoise analogy lol

      Fantasies are a great way of exploring new things, opening up many possibilities.

      x

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  4. I understand the cake analogy and I think a lot of people seek that kind of answer -if I add a little of this and that, then this should happen- I really wish it worked that way.

    Communication and time (like HS said)... those are the only two ingredients that apply to all, everything else is personal preference. Well, that's the way I see it.

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    1. ahh Misty you got the cake reference lol

      I think many a time, we tend to try to get a person to fit our idea, to try to change them, when really we should be accepting of who they are, much like we want to be accepted for who we are!

      Communication......so important.

      x

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  5. Loved this post. Now you have me curious on " the whole other story"! :). I often wonder about your beginnings into this. It's terrible to be so curious about others.

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    1. thankyou

      lol i will bite an write a post about the whole other story....although i think i have but i cant remember lol

      I dont think its terrible, i find it interesting to read how people got here etc

      x

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  6. Yes we like pain...but stubbing your toe doesn't count...or whacking your head on a cabinet.

    It's interesting, Omega, when we used to engage in gyno scenes, would evoke hard emotional responses, you'd think there was conditioning to orgasm when the speculum came out. Yet, in the doctor's office even though the equipment was the same, there was no feelings that this was anything other than completely invasive.

    No physical excitement at all.

    There's a quite different mindset and thought process going on.

    Hugs,
    mouse

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    1. I would love to have a gyno chair, we used one once at a commercial dungeon and it was great fun....well sort of lol

      It is i think about the context, yes, the controlled environment etc

      x

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  7. The stubbing your toe analogy is perfect. Pain from having your body gripped so hard that bruises, or pain from having your hair pulled, only feels good when it's done in a specific situation. I love having my hair pulled, but if someone did that to me on the street, I'd hurt them. :)

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    1. yes, like mouse said its circumstancial, what i enjoy with my Master in the right environment differs to other situations.

      x

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