We have been invited to a play/social party next Saturday, the location is great we have been on numerous occassions, the couple that runs it are nice, its good to get out and meet people in this lifestyle. The first thing that came into my head when we got the invite was "im not good enough" along with what if i say/do the wrong thing, Master said he is proud to show me off...i dont want to be shown off im not good enough, i want to find a dark corner and hide in it thats my thoughts. As it happens Master has turned down the invitation this time, Friday night a session is planned which will no doubt leave me exhausted, he has a busy day on the Saturday (i get to laze in bed and watch whilst he has to get up early yay) so it would be too much he said.....im so relieved.
People seem to think im confident and outgoing, i give off that impression i suppose and in many ways i am, im not comfortable in large crowds of people, with people i dont know, im not confident in my submission, i have terrible bouts of worrying that im not good enough for him and he could do better, he deserves someone that can give him everything he needs and wants....when i have theses thoughts they consume me, i start comparing myself to others..why do they find it easier, where am i going wrong....maybe im just not cut out for this.
The stupid thing is i know he is happy with me, he tells me he is, likewise he will tell me when he isnt pleased, he has never made me feel that i am not good enough...its me, i want someone to wave a magic wand and make all my little insecurities disappear.
Edited to add..
This afternoon i have gone back through my blog, i needed to refresh myself on whether my thoughts have changed, have i improved? my opinions on a lot have changed (some quite drastically!), but thats progress i have come a long way in 5 years but the lack of confidence was there then......but i do think im better.