I prefer to have no choices or decision making in our relationship, i like the consistencey that this provides, it takes the reponsibility away from me so in effect the buck stops with him, thats not to say i dont have opinions or no input at all..i do and he listens it may or may not make a difference.
Sounds simple enough and when i knew this was the direction i wanted and this was the dynamic we both wanted i believed it was straightforward....he instructs and i obey. Ok so i was wrong well its easy enough when its something i like and/or keen to try but i didnt quite take into account those situations or things i dont like or when its something new and subsequentley trying it and not liking it.
Does it get easier? jury is still out on that one!, easier in what way? thats the issue..yes i trust him completley, yes i know he is competent and experienced but yet still human and therefore prone to errors in judgement, so why after the years we have been together do i still occassionally try to'fight' his authority over me? when i say fight i dont mean physically but more me internally with myself and yes verbally with him when i attempt to resist. It doesnt turn into an argument, we have never argued, disagreed yes....is that normal...not arguing? not that im saying i want to as i dont....would be pointless anyway i wouldnt win but it wouldnt be about the winning anyway...it simply is the way he decides or what he chooses.
Apart from my job (which im good at and competent, not being vain but i am) im very indescisive simple things like going out to a restaurant drive my friends mad, in fact my closest girl friend orders my food for me if i havent made up my mind before the waiter comes (even my owner doesnt do that!). She made a comment once that its best not to give me to many choices in general which made me smile to myself, she knows a little about the dynamics of my relationship but i keep it light.
The fact is she was spot on.....this applies to my relationship i am better off with very few or no choices at all its easier for me in that i dont get myself worked up over wandering what to do? or is it something i want or not? I shouldnt need to worry because he removes the choices/decisions from me but i do, not always but this is through fear more than anything else even when the fear is irrational.
Its mostly about me not holding back on him or picking and choosing to do what suits me, i do submit in ways im not particularly fond of and some i absolutley dislike, do i have a choice? yes i could choose to withdraw my consent and put our dynamic at risk but i wont do that, and he knows i couldnt do that. So yes i have a choice one which really has no validity as we both know i wont refuse him no matter how difficult i may find it....but i wouldnt have it any other way.
This has got me thinking about humiliation because its something we both enjoy although i do query whether it truely can be humiliating if i enjoy it? i mean how can it be humiliating if i dont feel shame or is shame separate? I know he enjoys my discomort more when it is something i dislike but now im going off on another train of thought so i think i will leave my ponderings there.