babysitting

I looked after my cousins baby today, they needed some time out and i offerred having been there and knowing that sometimes you need that escape......oh my god im exhausted!!!

I completley forgot how tiring it is and it was just one day..6 hours to be precise, im left wandering how i managed with my own...but the thing is you do because you have to and if your lucky you get support.  I got home and no sooner walked in the door when my teenage son announced that he has dumped his girlfriend via text because now he likes this other girl but she isnt sure she likes him and oh the drama of teenagers......you know what give me the baby days back,.....now deep breath (and glass of wine) before i go and tackle him about his mobile phone bill.

Trying to define humiliation

Humiliation is a very personal subject and one that fascinates me as it covers such a wide spectrum, it seems to either be something that people really enjoy or shy away from completley but yet because of its diversity and its personal element what some deem as humiliating wont be to others so how can we actually define what is humiliating when it is so personal? when there is the element of types of  different humiliation that is enjoyed and some disliked.

I have been thinking about this since reading and subsequently commenting on a http://floridadomscorner.blogspot.com/2012/02/wanting-more-spankings.html regarding spankings, its fair to say that spanking is a very popular kink or/and a part of domestic discipline, many enjoy it...i dont like or enjoy it....i find it humiliating i associate it with being treated as a child which to me is patronising, being told to get over his knee for a spanking is just humiliating and i will avoid it if i can.  Others may well think im mad to see it as being humiliating...its a spanking for goodness sake, yes it is but this comes back around to how humiliation is personal....its how the individual interprets an act, how it effects them.

On the other hand there is watersports which when the subject crops up inevitably so does the term humiliating it tends to be associated with being humiliated, but i enjoy it, i dont find it humiliating in the same way as i do being spanked.  Being peed on and being told what a dirty filthy bitch i am whilst kneeling covered in his piss gets me going a lot, i love it, i will beg for it....so its fair to say that i dont have any negative connotations with this act.

Feeling humilated is a state of mind which may be positive or negative, when he speaks to me or treats me in a derogatory manner it can have varied effects ranging from making me feel humbled, worthless and dirty to finding subspace and just floating...happily enjoying the treatment he is dishing out....either way im aroused.

Personally i find the yin and yang of humiliation appealing, he may say humiliating things to me or treat me in a degrading manner but yet i know he loves and values me, i can let myself go...we both can.

Confidence

We have been invited to a play/social party next Saturday, the location is great we have been on numerous occassions, the couple that runs it are nice, its good to get out and meet people in this lifestyle.  The first thing that came into my head when we got the invite was "im not good enough" along with what if i say/do the wrong thing, Master said he is proud to show me off...i dont want to be shown off im not good enough, i want to find a dark corner and hide in it thats my thoughts.  As it happens Master has turned down the invitation this time, Friday night a session is planned which will no doubt leave me exhausted, he has a busy day on the Saturday (i get to laze in bed and watch whilst he has to get up early yay) so it would be too much he said.....im so relieved.

People seem to think im confident and outgoing, i give off that impression i suppose and in many ways i am, im not comfortable in large crowds of people, with people i dont know, im not confident in my submission, i have terrible bouts of worrying that im not good enough for him and he could do better, he deserves someone that can give him everything he needs and wants....when i have theses thoughts they consume me, i start comparing myself to others..why do they find it easier, where am i going wrong....maybe im just not cut out for this.

The stupid thing is i know he is happy with me, he tells me he is, likewise he will tell me when he isnt pleased, he has never made me feel that i am not good enough...its me, i want someone to wave a magic wand and make all my little insecurities disappear.

Edited to add..

This afternoon i have gone back through my blog, i needed to refresh myself on whether my thoughts have changed, have i improved?  my opinions on a lot have changed  (some quite drastically!), but thats progress i have come a long way in 5 years but the lack of confidence was there then......but i do think im better.

Its not about sex

Its not about sex, how many orgasms i have, or dont have, how often i masturbate or how long i withhold, how often i suck his cock  etc.....the body is the easiest thing to control, to dominate, him getting into my knickers was the easy part, getting into my head was and is harder, it takes effort from both of us, it takes time.

Its the exchange of power, the rituals in place that enforce my submission that last long out of the bedroom.  I can talk dirty i love it, whispering the filthy things i want him to do to me in his ear, i struggle with having to sit down in front of him and talk about my feelings and thoughts, having them pulled apart, making me have to confront them.

I love kneeling in front of him and sucking his cock and having my hair pulled, but kneeling at his feet and worshiping them has more meaning.  Its easy doing things i like and enjoy for those obvious reasons, im keen and happy but its not about what i like and enjoy, my ultimate pleasure is in serving him..thats my enjoyment, being dominated and controlled in and out of the bedroom and this means sometimes having to do things i dislike and being open to new experiences.

Dont get me wrong, i love sex and naturally enjoy it.....but sex isnt enough.

Dog poo duty

I need a rant!

The last week or so perhaps a bit longer i have noticed that there has been dog poo in my garden, well its actually the car parking area...but still my garden.  Each morning its there, its bugged me...it pissed me off more when my daughter trod in on her way to school, so enough was enough..Miss Marple i became.

I got up earlier than normal this morning, usually its around 7am but today i was up at 6 and i am so definitley not a morning person but i was on a mission.  Grabbed a coffee sat in darkness in my kitchen and waited and my patience paid off, along came a man with dog, the dog meandered onto my garden and did his poo....the man staying on the pavement waiting.

So out i go armed with my nicely scented nappy sacks and called to him...politley..he turned and i asked him if he was going to pick his dogs mess up, he looked at me like i was clearly mad and stuttered about not having any bags.  No problem i proclaimed holding out my nappy sacks to which he stated he really didnt like picking up dogs mess!

Really! well fancy that i have yet to find anyone that does, but you have a dog you take responsibilty for it, he then turned to carry on walking.  Big mistake, i tried being polite and i think my request was reasonable so i called out to him that it was no problem i would pick it up and return it to him via his letterbox.

He picked it up. 

Feeling vunerable

Being in bondage makes me feels safe, it helps to ground me, its comforting knowing im where he wants me to be, i cant go anywhere i have to focus.  There doesnt necessarily have to be any s&m just the tightness of the ropes or the leather restraints is enough to give me the security i need, to escape, to just be....but mostly i love how vunerable it makes me feel.

I love to be hooded as well when in bondage, we have a great rubber hood that just has 2 thin nasel tubes for breathing, this emphasis my vunerability as he plays with my senses everything is more heightened, the brush of his hand, a knife tracing the skin, the unexpected sting of a whip, his fingers toying with me makes me feel more alive.

He grabs the nasel tubes and squeeezes them tight cutting off my air, i cant breathe, my breath is in his hands, i am completley at his mercy.....i am flying.  I love breath play because of the vunerability but yet i feel safe, it doesnt make sense they shouldnt go together should they really...being vunerable but feeling safe, but they do.   Im craving it now, i need him...soon..very soon.

too many questions...no answers

As much as i take our relationship seriously i believe its important to have fun, it should after all be enjoyable for both parties shouldnt it? sure there are times its difficult, a struggle...but thats life you have to take the rough with the smooth.  But where do you find that perfect balance, im all for progressing and exploring, growing not just as his slave but as a person....but is there a stop point?...should there be one?...how far will i go?....how far will he make me go?....where will it end?

I put that question to him the other day...where will it end? it was part of a discussion we was having instigated by me saying that sometimes i think he pushes me too hard and i dont like certain things and dont want to do them...his answer was "where do you want it to end"?  I cant answer that not really, i simply dont know, we have been together 5 years next month so trust is well established but it would be naive to think that means i have all the answers, i still in many ways consider myself a newbie, i put a lot of trust in his experience (his being much more vast than mine) but it would be naive also to think that he isnt capable of screwing up either and getting it wrong.

What if a decision or a choice he makes is the wrong one? how do you get past that?

Im just getting my thoughts down, but im overthinking....why cant i just let go and enjoy the moment?

he infuriates me sometimes

He infuriates me sometimes and it takes a lot of willpower to not bite back but sometimes i do and then as soon as its out my mouth i know i have gone too far.  We had a discussion today about a few issues, me telling him what i wouldnt do didnt exactly go down well.....i will learn eventually to phrase myself carefully rather than going in all guns blazing.

What infuriates me more is he is always so calm and controlled, there i am getting all worked up and oh im ready for whatever he says...oh yes i have worked it all out in my head that he will see my point of view and that im ready for what ever he might throw at me...so im off and i wait for the response im prepared matey (i mean Master) give it your best shot....and this is what i get back "Uh Hu" !!!!!seriously are you kidding me is that it!

That stops me dead, and im beyond infuriated now he has ruined my big moment but he knows that, he knows i wont argue with him, it makes me calm down because there are no other options left and then the issue is dealt with calmly, as well as me feeling guilty for being disrespectful.   My big planned moment becomes irrelevant because it was built on frustration and me getting pissy, he wont dance to that tune...

Im glad he is calm and controlled even though it infuriates me ....yeah i know its illogical.

S&M, consent and the law

As someone that engages in s&m i am aware that some of the activities we do could well be regarded as being illegal although the law is open to interpretation, i would recommend that anyone in the UK who practices s&m read The Spanner Trust easy to find with google.

The Spanner Trust was set up in support of 16 gay men who were given prison sentences of up to 4 and a half years in December 1990 for engaging in consensual s&m activity.  It was brought to court by a 'chance' finding by police of a videotape showing their sessions.

"SM activity is an illegal assault if it results in marks or injuries which are more than transient and trifling. These words are highly subjective and open to interpretation. The following are likely to be considered by Judge Rant to be illegal: heavy beatings which leave lasting marks; any activities which leave scars, bruises etc"

So i like to be caned hard and more often than not it will draw blood and leave heavy bruising, this would therefore be considered illegal, the fact that i consent to this matters not, consent within s&m is not recognised by the law and is regarded as violence rather than sexual desire.

S&m itself is not illegal its the activities themselves that this may involve which cause injury that both parties could be prosecuted for assult.   In law you cannot as a rule consent to assult, there are exemptions, boxing, rugby and piercings if they are for ornamental reasons. In taking this case further to the Law Lords there was still no backing down they ruled that s&m activity is no exception to the rule of consent.


It infuriates me that as adults activities in private which we both enjoy are considered assult, and that my consent is not recognised.

Fantasies...reality or some best left as a fantasy

Its natural to have fantasies and im lucky that over the years i have fulfilled a lot of mine, some have been just as exciting as i hoped they would be, others not so much.  There are the unrealistic fantasies.....you know being on a secluded beach with just Johnny Depp is not going to happen but hey im allowed to dream.

I am encouraged to talk about what i fantasise about and mostly i dont have a problem, he wants to know, he needs to know what goes on in my head it aids him in knowing better what buttons to press.  One of the advantages to being in this sort of relationship (M/s, D/s etc) is i have no fear of him being horrified or judgemental no matter what i might come out...a few i dont feel comfortable admitting to here but he knows.

One particular fantasy i have is to be restrained over a spanking/whipping bench and gang banged whilst he watches yet if it were to  happen i have a pretty strong feeling i would hate it, so why do i fantasise about it?  I dont know to be honest,  i think it would be something emotionally i would struggle with and could be detrimental to us,  i have served other men and women orally in his presence and i wouldnt say i disliked it but i didnt particularly enjoy it either....i could simply take it or leave it. 

We have watched the videos on Paingate and i fantasise about being able to take the brutal whippings and canings you see on them, he has been there done that i havent, i can take a hard caning and i love it but the whip i struggle with...this is a fantasy he is working on turning into reality for me which i know he is enjoying.

I fantasise about watching him dominate another man, i find the idea so hot but alas he isnt so keen...go figure!  so very much doubt that will ever be reality.  I had the fantasy of being dommed by two men, i found the idea very appealing and he made it reality.....i hated it, it was only a small taste but it was enough to know that it wasnt as i thought it would be.  I cant even say it was really a hard session it wasnt but i resented the other dominant being able to tell me what to do, i didnt like him hurting me although it was nothing compared to what my Owner does...that didnt matter..the reality wasnt my fantasy.   But i dont own my fantasies really do i? 

no romance here..well not the typical romance

Valentines Day and a happy one to those that celebrate it.

Im not romantic nor is my Owner but then i suppose everyones idea of romance will differ, there will be no exchange of valentines cards or slush of any kind, that doesnt mean there is no love on the contrary i love him very much and he tells me he loves me.......hey im not all hard i do have a soft side and so does he....umm ok perhaps not in his case...(kidding).

I dont see him as my partner, boyfriend, or lover i see him as my Owner and whilst i think love is great i dont value it as much as i do as the dynamic of our relationship.  However saying that i dont know if i would have come as far as i have now without love being present, but flip side of the coin...would the love still be there if the dynamic wasnt.....  that brings with it the age old question...what is love? 

I am happy, he makes me happy, i make him happy, i am most content being under his control, his dominance, his intelligence, his sadism, his cruelty at times are what i love about him, i love that he makes me feel safe and i love that he knows me so much better than i know myself at times.

He hurts me, he takes me down dark paths that i didnt and dont want to go down, i have felt objectified and humiliated, dirty and worthless and he has taught me that its ok to like having those feelings, to embrace them, to let go of what we are told is wrong...because with him they feel right.

so yep thats my romance.

choices

I prefer to have no choices or decision making in our relationship, i like the consistencey that this provides, it takes the reponsibility away from me so in effect the buck stops with him, thats not to say i dont have opinions or no input at all..i do and he listens it may or may not make a difference.

Sounds simple enough and when i knew this was the direction i wanted and this was the dynamic we both wanted i believed it was straightforward....he instructs and i obey.  Ok so i was wrong well its easy enough when its something i like and/or keen to try but i didnt quite take into account those situations or things i dont like or when its something new and subsequentley trying it and not liking it.

Does it get easier?  jury is still out on that one!, easier in what way? thats the issue..yes i trust him completley, yes i know he is competent and experienced but yet still human and therefore prone to errors in judgement, so why after the years we have been together do i still occassionally try to'fight' his authority over me? when i say fight i dont mean physically but more me internally with myself and yes verbally with him when i  attempt to resist.  It doesnt  turn into an argument, we have never argued, disagreed yes....is that normal...not arguing? not that im saying i want to as i dont....would be pointless anyway i wouldnt win but it wouldnt be about the winning anyway...it simply is the way he decides or what he chooses.

Apart from my job (which im good at and competent, not being vain but i am) im very indescisive simple things like going out to a restaurant drive my friends mad, in fact my closest girl friend orders my food for me if i havent made up my mind before the waiter comes (even my owner doesnt do that!).  She made a comment once that its best not to give me to many choices in general which made me smile to myself, she knows a little about the dynamics of my relationship but i keep it light.

The fact is she was spot on.....this applies to my relationship i am better off with very few or no choices at all its easier for me in that i dont get myself worked up over wandering what to do? or is it something i want or not?  I shouldnt need to worry because he removes the choices/decisions from me but i do, not always but this is through fear more than anything else even when the fear is irrational.

Its mostly about me not holding back on him or picking and choosing to do what suits me, i do submit in ways im not particularly fond of and some i absolutley dislike, do i have a choice?  yes i could choose to withdraw my consent and put our dynamic at risk but i wont do that, and he knows i couldnt do that.  So yes i have a choice one which really has no validity as we both know i wont refuse him no matter how difficult i may find it....but i wouldnt have it any other way.

This has got me thinking about humiliation because its something we both enjoy although i do query whether it truely can be humiliating if i enjoy it?  i mean how can it be humiliating if i dont feel shame or is shame separate? I know he enjoys my discomort more when it is something i dislike but now im going off on another train of thought so i think i will leave my ponderings there.

trusting your instinct..throwing out the rule book!

Anyone who is a parent, mother or father will know that having a baby and the subsequent raising of the child is probably the most challenging thing you will ever do, but oh so rewarding.   There is a lot of support out there from the health workers, midwifes, family and friends and countless books and 'experts' giving you advice on raising your baby.

When i had my son i was fairly lucky for a first time mum, he slept through the night from 3 weeks old and was a happy content baby, then at approximatley 5 weeks old he stopped sleeping through the night, he was irritable and the crying seemed endless.  I panicked..what was wrong? i sought advice from the health workers, i read chapters in books, i tried all these different tips and nothing worked! My granny (who has had 7 children) suggested giving him a couple spoonfuls of baby rice before his evening bottle and to trust my own instinct before anyone elses but i couldnt do that....the books did not advise weaning until at least 12 weeks and the health visitor said it could be more harmful than good! and i couldnt possible trust my instinct...what if im wrong.

I became irritible through lack of sleep and as well as my son crying i was too, i was at my wits end so i gave in and tried what my granny suggested....and guess what? yes he started sleeping through the night again...he was back to being my happy content baby.   My 'baby' is 14 now and healthy and happy (well as happy as a teenager can be) i broke the 'rules' set by the 'experts' yet everything was fine. 

I learnt that as much as all the 'experts', friends and books were great for seeking advice from and learning new tips it doesnt mean they are always right for you, my granny whom had years more experience than me was right about the rice but more importantly she was right about me trusting my instinct and that takes precedence over everything.

This i apply to my relationship, i could read every bdsm related book out there or talk to people in this lifestyle i will learn things no doubt and its always good to learn more, i like hearing different opinions etc, but ultimately only my Owner (mainly) and me (he will hear my opinion but his overrides mine) can decide what is right for us.  Im not saying that you shouldnt pay no attention to other resources far from it.....but sometimes it just so happens that you may well do it differently and thats the great thing about this lifestyle there are no rules to how it should be done.

Needle play and pushing those boundries

The funny thing is when we first got together and discussed likes/dislikes etc the biggest issue for me was no needles..the thought of them scared me and it wasnt something i was interested in most definitley a hard limit.  I knew he liked them and was competent in knowing what he was doing, he has far more experience than me which is mostly comforting but yet also sometimes i get these really insecure moments of thinking am i enough to satisfy his sadistic needs...silly i know.

As time went on and our relationship progressed its natural that trust becomes more firmly established and with this growth, the needles were always in the 'toy box' and they became the 'elephant in the room' he never mentioned them so by no means was there any pressure.

Im not sure if it was my submission deepening and with it my need to please him but more specifically to put his pleasure above my own discomfort/fear or just plain curiosity but i needed to explore needles.  I asked to be able to hold a needle just to get a feel of it which he obliged and he also took one and whilst i was kneeling naked in front of him he just ran it lightly over my breast leaving a very faint scratch.

I remember being a little scared, part of me wanting him to put the needle in but the other part of me was pleading inside not to and he didnt and intially i was relieved but later i felt disappointed that i hadnt taken that plunge......although he made it clear there was nothing to be disappointed about.

A while later (weeks) i plucked up the courage to ask him for needles and to be pierced with them, i wanted to do this not just for him but for me...i wanted to be able to give him all what he enjoys and this was one step further. 

I was so nervous sitting in a chair and watching him prepare the needles, he had me look at him whilst he inserted the needle in to my tit and my first thought was along the lines of "this is ok...what on earth was i so scared of" he only inserted a few i think 2 on each tit and i was buzzing even more so when he said how proud he was of me.

The are now (4 years on) one of my favourite things, most especially i like to pull them out myself and watch the blood trickling down over my tits..i have a thing for blood i love it!  Putting them through the nipple however is another matter i love to hate it, the sensation is different more sharper and if im lucky he will allow me to play with myself when he puts them in so there is the perfect balance of pain and pleasure.

The point of this post is in a way about hard limits and should they be pushed by the dominant or/and should the sub be receptive to having them pushed or be willing to try, or should they just be left well alone?  Its a tricky one.. in the situation i gave my curiosity got the better of me and i pursued it, there are so many factors to take into consideration, people change as the relationship grows..and areas which may have been a hard limit may no longer be considered as such.

Im still growing/develping and still have challenges ahead, sometimes i need a  push from him (gently hopefully or yes sometimes the hard way) and other times i get there myself, overcoming what we fear is a mindfield of emotions....there may well be things i wont be able to overcome and thats ok too.

LDR....not real?

A long distance relationship is what im in and have been for the last 5 years although we see each other regularly for whole weekends and communicate in between its not the most ideal situation but we make the best of it...does this make me less of a slave or not as submissive than those living together?

I think the first point is obviously its different its about there being different degrees or depths, im not kidding myself of course 24/7 living together is more in depth than my situation there is no room for argument there in my opinion...but they are both real.

Given a choice between physically kneeling at his feet or talking on the phone i will go for kneeling at his feet every single time, im still his slave though regardless there are still expectations he has of me when im not physically with him.

I dont think about what the future holds i focus on the now, as with any relationship as time goes on you grow especially once the intial excitment dies down (or sub frenzy as its called) not that the excitement ever goes away but you become more focused....its difficult to be focused in the beginning when its all so new, fresh and your exploring.

Im not perfect....no one is.....i still have many ways in which to grow but having read through some of my very early posts i cant believe how much my opinions/thoughts have changed, my submission is so much more absolute now than it was before.

So LDR are they real? yes very much so, they can work and they can mean just as much as any other relationship, its hard work at time, frustrating and full of ups and downs.....but so worth it...... doesnt that apply to all relationships regardless of the situation?

Why blog?

I started blogging a few years ago, it was actually my Owner that set the blog up and i wasnt too enthusiastic at first but i gave it a go, it certainly helped me in getting me to 'talk' more about what i felt about things so thats a good thing.

I had a break a while back and recently returned, i didnt realise how much i missed it until i started again.  What i like is reading others opinions and interacting, even if i may not agree with something its always good to get a different perspective and we can always learn more no matter how much we think we know already.

Also what i  like about blogging is its my own little corner of the world and Master allows me to write freely without worry of repurcussion (within reason) especially if im a little peeved at him for some reason, here i can have a little rant and get it off my chest.  

What also i have found is unlike a lot of chatrooms aimed at bdsm or M/s relationships there isnt any obvious one up manship..you know the "i do it better than you brigade" and thats refreshing, its more realistic i guess as you are getting more of an insight into peoples lives.

Anyway thats why i blog.