Monday 3 February 2014

No destination

Years ago, in the beginning with Master, i expected to get a collar, because well you cant be a slave without a collar!!! that was my thinking.  However Master places no value on them whatsoever, they simply mean nothing to him,and although i was quite put out initially coz i wanted a collar dammit.....i realised that what would be the point of having and wearing a collar that meant nothing to him.

Wearing a collar, does not a slave make.

I used to really believe, and i have old posts to prove it, that being a slave meant having no limits whatsoever, no safeword..coz we all know slaves are just there to be used as Master sees fit, regardless of how slave feels and thinks..right?

Wrong, all that does not a slave make.

I used to refer to myself as slave a lot, i felt that it was important that everyone knew i was a slave, didnt matter that i was only a few months into this relationship...yes people i knew it all...coz i was a slave.

Saying "yes im a slave, and im going to keep repeating it at every opportunity, just to make sure you know that" does not a slave make.

Im a masochist, i can take a lot of pain, i enjoy it, i love to be humiliated and degraded...and yes you may have guessed whats coming, i figured because im like this im even more a slave.

Being able to take a beating and enjoying humiliation does not a slave make.

Well not the slave that Master wants anyway.

For him its about behaviour, adapting the way i think, and i cant be told how to think, i had and have to get there on my own, sure under his guidance, leading me in the direction he wants...but i had to want to it, it cant be forced.

But behaviour isnt very specific, so its about learning what behaviour he likes and what he doesnt, being of service, not just when its sexual but all round, and taking pleasure from that, because its pleasing to him, even if it is something as trivial as making him a cup of tea.

Its simply more about the mind than it is the physical, i dont dwell on not having a collar anymore, because its the mental and emotional bonds that are forged that make me the slave he wants.

and sometimes  i think i still have a long way to go, that i will never get to be this slave that i should be, but im ok with that because experience has taught me that its more than just thinking "im a slave" because of all the reasons above, and its ok that i have struggles, that i dont always behave as he would like because i dont have to try to live up to be this perfect slave that was my 'ideal'....and rather than thinking there has to be a 'final destination' there doesnt its simply the journey that matters.













14 comments:

  1. I think that in the beginning you had a set ideal of what a slave was but like most of us, the illusion faded & the reality came more into focus. (does that even make sense???)
    And I don't think perfection is attainable. You just have to live every day being the best tori-slave girl that you can be (even when you stumble) .

    :)

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    1. Yes that makes perfect sense, so spot on.

      I did have this ideal of what it should be like, and reality hasnt matched that, its different, better, but an adjustment lol

      x

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  2. It does sound like you've moved from your ideas of a slave into HIS ideas of a slave. I guess that is what they do, as the Master.

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    1. yes i think that your right, my ideal of what a slave is or was doesnt matter, its what he wants and expects....and it took me a while to see that!

      x

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  3. Your words resonate so much tori, i think that the journey and the progress you make on it is the most important thing. I am no slave but can see exactly what you are saying. Plus hoping that things are going well for you now that you don't have work...

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    1. Thanks joolz

      Sometimes i think im going ok, i know my problem is i really over complicate things in my head, when there is no need to.

      Im enjoying not working at the moment, but im sure at some point i will go bat shit crazy lol

      x

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  4. I belong to a religious grouping with no outward practices - bear with me - no sacraments, baptisms, images, chosen texts - it is pretty simple. People become very dedicated even without these practices and identify their beliefs in other ways. I suspect you do wear a collar. It isn't visible, it is intrinsic to you and you would know when it's tight about you and when it has become a little looser.

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    1. I love this.

      It really made me think, and yes i understand what your saying and wow it makes so much sense.

      thankyou

      x

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  5. I kid you not, I'm working on a post that is along these lines. Of course I have tons to learn to reach this point (whatever "this" point is lol) but, truly, I don't think this could have come at a better time for me.

    It is SO hard to realize... no, it is hard to accept... okay, maybe both... it is a hard road coming to the conclusion that it is not going to happen the way you thought it was; it is going to happen HIS way. And that applies to the exciting and the not-at-all-exciting. Of course we might do things because I want to but even then it is still his decision.

    It is the same with this... "its about learning what behavior he likes and what he doesnt, being of service, not just when its sexual but all round, and taking pleasure from that, because its pleasing to him." It is hard learning it HIS way and being of service HIS way. I want to kick and scream that it should be my way but I know deep down that isn't right, and then that frustrates me more because I want it my way but I also want to make him happy... maybe that is just part of the processes of changing??

    Anyway, this is a great post.

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    1. hi Misty

      I think it is a very hard thing to realise and accept that reality isnt always going to match up to how we imagine it should/would be, but i think this applies to many aspects in life.

      But i do believe if we want something enough then we adapt with reason, it really is sometimes 5 steps forwards, 3 back but its still progress.

      x

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  6. I agree. It is the journey. And, you both seem happy which I think is most important.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. thanks joey

      Yeah we're happy and your definitley right, thats what matters the most.

      x

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  7. oh. oh this REALLY spoke to me. Because the unspoken thing at the back of my mind often is that I am a slave to him. I am HIS slave. But of course, I/we don't full fill a lot of the so called 'must haves' as you run through here..

    then again, as you say, those are just possible signs or trappings. Not real game makers. It's difficult to say what it is that makes it so exactly... And I don't talk about it much, because - lacking the 'must haves' - i guess it isn't very recognisable. But it's definitely there.

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    1. hi mc kitten

      I dont think there is any must haves or criteria to see oneself as a slave, i think what matters most is what that 'label' means to the people in the relationship...and thats where i struggled

      my ideas/fantasy wasnt my Masters idea of what he wanted.

      x

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