and he knows i know he knows...
i just need to ramble about it here, so i wont apologise if it makes no sense this is just me writing it down to help me understand why i havent done something that i should.
I am required to have the butt plug inserted twice a day for 15 mins each time, there is no set time i have to do it in as long as it is done within a 24 hour period (and i usually do it during the day, no distractions), its been i think about 6 months ish since he implemented this.
I have been lapse about it for the last few weeks, i have been doing it once but skipping the second one, and really i have no excuse im not working now, im home, there is no valid reason on why i wouldnt be doing it.
He hasnt mentioned it, he doesnt need to because well as title suggests, i know he knows, and i know he isnt pleased with me, its like he is waiting me out, well i guess he is, to acknowledge to him that i havent been doing it and im putting it off......im acknowledging it here but i doubt that will count, he will want it direct.
Its not the fear of the punishment, because i do know i will be punished, its hearing his disappointment, and im aware the longer i leave it the worse it will be, but its on me to fess up, to acknowledge that i have been disobedient for no valid reason and i do know better.
I suppose the big question is why havent i done it? when im fully aware of the consequences and that i will end up....well feeling like i am now, which isnt good, i feel like i have let him down because i have let him down.
and the answer is i dont know, or i cant articulate/explain why, i want to say its because i didnt feel like it...but that will go down like a ton of bricks in the ocean! which is understandable.
He is just so busy at the moment that i dont want to cause him distraction especially when its in a negative way...but then who am i kidding, he is always busy and im just making excuses to put it off.
To top it all off im ashamed that im having to have it spelled out to me that my behaviour isnt as it should be in general, and its things that really by now i shouldnt have to be pulled up on.
Sometimes i just suck at being submissive, or rather i am submissive but i just suck at the submitting at times.