and he knows i know he knows...
i just need to ramble about it here, so i wont apologise if it makes no sense this is just me writing it down to help me understand why i havent done something that i should.
I am required to have the butt plug inserted twice a day for 15 mins each time, there is no set time i have to do it in as long as it is done within a 24 hour period (and i usually do it during the day, no distractions), its been i think about 6 months ish since he implemented this.
I have been lapse about it for the last few weeks, i have been doing it once but skipping the second one, and really i have no excuse im not working now, im home, there is no valid reason on why i wouldnt be doing it.
He hasnt mentioned it, he doesnt need to because well as title suggests, i know he knows, and i know he isnt pleased with me, its like he is waiting me out, well i guess he is, to acknowledge to him that i havent been doing it and im putting it off......im acknowledging it here but i doubt that will count, he will want it direct.
Its not the fear of the punishment, because i do know i will be punished, its hearing his disappointment, and im aware the longer i leave it the worse it will be, but its on me to fess up, to acknowledge that i have been disobedient for no valid reason and i do know better.
I suppose the big question is why havent i done it? when im fully aware of the consequences and that i will end up....well feeling like i am now, which isnt good, i feel like i have let him down because i have let him down.
and the answer is i dont know, or i cant articulate/explain why, i want to say its because i didnt feel like it...but that will go down like a ton of bricks in the ocean! which is understandable.
He is just so busy at the moment that i dont want to cause him distraction especially when its in a negative way...but then who am i kidding, he is always busy and im just making excuses to put it off.
To top it all off im ashamed that im having to have it spelled out to me that my behaviour isnt as it should be in general, and its things that really by now i shouldnt have to be pulled up on.
Sometimes i just suck at being submissive, or rather i am submissive but i just suck at the submitting at times.
Hearing the disappointment. Yep,, that is always my issue. That tone tears me to pieces.
ReplyDeletePull off the band aid. Humble yourself. Go to Him.
Yeah thats the worst, the punishment is just a by product.
Deletehave told him.
x
is it that you don't understand WHY you have to do it so that's led you to being a bit lax and not internalising it as important? I know that's still not a good excuse - you don't necessarily need to know why, just submit, but just wondering if that could be a subconscious cause...
ReplyDeleteor is it a symptom of something deeper - feeling you're not a good submissive, so why bother almost, sort of thing?
Can it be connected up to not working at the moment?
Hope you can work out why, because then it's so much easier to stop it happening again xx
you raised some valid points, i have been thinking it over and over, and all i come really come up with is it was attention seeking...he has been really busy as of late (more than usual it seems to me) and im kicking myself because i know this is not the way to get his attention.
Deletex
eeeek! I terrible with this too. Might be helpful to start asking why again (here you'll see my clinical audit background showing - ask why five times to drill down, is the tactic)
DeleteWhy regarding the attention seeking I mean - what about him busy has you panicking and scrambling for attention?
He has been more busy than usual, the weather has been causing a lot of problems for him and im probably more aware that he is busier because im not working so i have less distraction...if that makes sense.
Deletex
Misty,
ReplyDeleteYou know...sometimes it's just life and the things that are asked of us, get kind of lost in the shuffle.
Any time that I am ordered to do something and I don't do it...you're right it isn't the fear of the reprimand but the disappointment, so I totally can empathize with you here.
But on the other side of that coin? Sometimes that's just how it and when I've missed something little (not to trivialize this task of yours), I try to look at the big picture. How am I doing over all? Is He happy with me, with us overall? Overall, do I do my best to meet his needs, fulfill his demands?
It tends to put it all in perspective, for me.
That whole "busy" issue always gets me too.
What do you feel is best? I would probably feel better if I just went to him.
*Hugs*
l know your right, in everything you have said, overall i am good, not perfect lol but more often than not im obedient and i try to be pleasing, its well yeah as i said to MCkitten it is i think an attention seeking tactic...and im not proud to admit that, i know he doesnt like it.
Deletex
Yes, hearing the disappointment is just awful. Master says that i sometimes beat myself up more before my punishment, that i'm harder on myself waiting for His disappointment...the guilt when i'm not doing what i'm supposed to wrecks me.
ReplyDeleteThough it doesn't keep me out of trouble. lol
Oh yes i beat myself up more than he ever could lol, and i think the worst as well is knowing that i know better, it shouldnt happen!
Deletex
There's a reason you haven't been doing it, I'm in no way saying that you should be excused for not doing it. I think it's really important you figure out why. It seems there is a disconnect somewhere between you two. Somewhere along the way you decided that your way was good enough to overrule his way.
ReplyDeleteGood Luck fessing up and I hope that the punishment you receive helps you to reset and connects you back to him.
hugs
p
Yes there is a reason, one i dont like to admit to, it was my way of seeking his attention, i wanted him to pull me up on it straightaway and he didnt and that made me well get complacent.
DeleteI fessed up.
x
I'm glad that you were able to determine what was causing it. I know that admitting that we're seeking attention isn't easy. Kudos to fessing up. I hope you get that connection you're looking for soon
DeleteLet us know what happens next.
ReplyDeleteFD
I will, well dependent on how i feel, its just bad enough admitting to it that im not sure i want to spill the consequences.
Deletex
I agree with p, something rumbling away underneath. Not saying you would deliberately do it to rile him. Perhaps you want to be acknowledged more for following his instructions. If he is too busy to notice, then perhaps there a little bit of why bother in your mind? Sorry, hope I've not offended you.
ReplyDeletehugs
DF
Oh gosh DF no offence taken at all.
Deleteyou are however spot on, i didnt want to admit it but yeah it was an attention seeking tactic and thats what im ashamed about....i know better, he doesnt like it.
x
Tori, I am sorry you are struggling with and also tend to agree with P. I hope you can work out why you aren't doing this. I do wonder if it is tied in with not working now and the change in your routine. Yes, perhaps not working should mean the task should be easier to complete ... but it is a big change and changes to our routine like that can tend to throw us off kilter.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Roz
Thank,
DeleteI know, deep down that it was attention seeking, i wanted him to notice, i wanted..well i wanted his compete focus and i know better, thats what i feel so bad about.
x
tori,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. You already received lots of good advice so I cannot add much else. So, I will just send positive thoughts to you.
Big Hug,
joey
thanks joey.
DeleteI know i have only myself to blame, i know better, so i should behave better.
x
As someone who is currently more than a week behind with her daily book entries, I so get this. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteIt's not easy when we know they know, and we want them to acknowledge it, but we also know we should just do it...
*Scuttles off to find a certain book.
OOh lil, i hope you get that book up to date...im terrible for procastinating so you have my understanding.
Deletex
*cringing*
ReplyDeleteyeah i have been cringing too, still am!
DeleteUntil you posted, did he REALLY know?
ReplyDeleteYes. Sometimes its important i think for me to own my decisions, and when i make ones that i know are not in line with his and i know better then the onus is on me to admit to them.
Deletehe knows because im required to inform him when i have done it, so he would be aware that i havent been letting him know the second time.
x