No one's perfect right? i know my faults and i also know my strengths.
So my faults, my brain to mouth filter doesnt always activate when it should, i have a tendency to blurt out what im thinking when irked and its not always tactful or diplomatic and so yeah well not generally appreciated.
It started off really well, a girlie night in at a friends home, good food, great conversation which inevitably led to the men in our lives, one of our friends started to moan about her boyfriend not being around for her on Valentines day, that whilst all of her friends were doing something with their partners she was home alone (um actually me and the bossman dont do valentines day, but thats by the by), and he didnt consider her feelings blah de blah de blah.
We listened, we sympathised, poured her more wine (i was not allowed alcohol) and attempted to steer the conversation elsewhere, nope she wasnt letting it go, it became "woe is me, all alone, he doesnt care about me..." and i just had had enough.
i blurted my thoughts out
"well why dont you phone his wife, clearly what a selfish bitch she is expecting to have Valentines dinner with her husband, oh but then she doesnt know about you, does she!"
ok so yes im a sarcastic bitch
and they all looked at me like i had grown horns out my head!
She burst into tears, one of my friends called me an insensitive bitch, and well lets just say it ended up being an earlier night than anticipated.
Now, to make it clear, she is my friend and although i dont necessarily agree with what goes on in her personal life, i look past it because she is my friend, my issue was with the fact that as a grown woman of 37 she chose to go down this route, and the issues that come with it....so dont start moaning about unfairness etc because the circumstances dictate that really your in no position to do so.
I think i felt 'ok' to say it because she is my friend and it was (albeit probably not the right way to go about it) a verbal ass kicking reality check, putting things in perspective...i realise of course now, i could have been more diplomatic in how i made my point...but yeah the brain to mouth filter was clearly not functioning!
and just to make it worse, one of my friends phones up the following day and says "oh you said exactly what i was thinking" good for you!
no, not good for me at all, im left being the bitch, but thanks for your support at the time...not, because you were sat there glowering at me like im the devil incarnate.
And when i got home, i sat and cried, and got told that really i should have just kept my opinions to myself.....i know that, dammit i know that, but i cant take it back....and she still a week on isnt talking to me.
and i do feel like im a bitch, perhaps as a friend i should have held back, i dunno, but i do know i didnt set out to hurt her, and so im paranoid now about what i say...maybe thats not such a bad thing.
aw, ((((Hugs))))
ReplyDeletei was chuckling along until I read that you got home and cried :(
You know, I'm with you on this. Seriously, she should do something about it at least or shut up!
However.... I have learnt that people don't want to know these things. She doesn't want to see what's right in front of her face - that she walked into this situation, it is a certain way, it is very unlikely to change and she should lump it or move on - so she won't see it. If she did see it, she'd be ready to change and move on, I guess.
So I do tend to keep my mouth shut, because, like you, I hate the fall out!
However, I do still agree with what you said - not so much because I'm married in the here and now, but more because, back in my nefarious BH (before husband) past, I had an affair with an attached man.
I stand by what i said, i just think i could have been a bit more diplomatic...but well yeah i do have this habit of speaking before thinking.
DeleteWe have spoke since and things are strained but i just wanted her to be realistic with the situation.
Like you i have been there myself, the dom i was with before the bossman was married so its not about judging but rather simply accepting the circumstances and not expecting more from a situation.
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Tori, so sorry about the fall out with your friend. But I do have say, I admire people that are able to speak their mind when it's the truth. I really wish i had a little less of a filter. I spend so much of my time trying to weigh all my words so not to hurt others that it boils up in me and quite frankly isn't good either. your hope you are able to find a happy medium.
ReplyDeletexo
thanks
DeleteThe problem is although i do agree with you in that i admire people that speak their minds, its not usually well liked, as i have learnt.
We are speaking, i think she understands it wasnt about judging her but rather getting her to be realistic with her expectations.
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My brain/mouth filter has said similar things to friends. Probably why i have such few friends and luckily the ones i have are just as snarky as i am so they'd just tell me to STFU. And i'm probably the only one who thinks the other friend is actually the bitch for not thinking the same thing, but not having the balls to have your back. Geez! lol. (i get along better with guys for this reason).
ReplyDeleteHugs though, cuz friend drama/fallouts are no fun.
thanks scarlet, its not been nice, it never is when one falls out with friends, and although i dont think im all to blame, i do think i could have been more tactful.....which im terrible at!
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tori, I think you are awesome and I wish I could give you a real hug.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you did anything wrong... just saying.
thank you Misty
DeleteI dont think i did anything wrong, what was misunderstood and we have spoke about is she was under the impression i was sitting on my high horse judging and i wasnt, i wanted her to be realistic.
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hugs.
ReplyDeletethanks Renee
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((Hugs)) Tori, friend dramas aren't fun, but I'm betting she will come around soon once she has thought things through. I don't think you did/said anything wrong either btw
ReplyDeletethanks Roz
Deleteno they are not, but yes she has come around, she took what i said as me being all judgemental and that was not how it was, it was more me wanting her to realise she was being unrealistic with her expectations.
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tori,
ReplyDeleteHugs,
joey
thanks joey
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So she goes out with a married guy and complains he spends Valentine's Day with his wife. She does need a reality check. What you said was a good wakeup call for her. It is a dilemma, though, trying to decide how blunt to be with a friend who is ignoring reality. She has to know being alone on the holidays is one of the prices to pay for being with a married guy.
ReplyDeleteFD
FD
Deletethat is exactly what i was trying to convey to her, yes i could have been more tactful, but well its something i tend to lack in when irrked.
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You know.
ReplyDeleteValentine's Day is a crock. We know that.
This woman is your friend and she's dating a married man and bemoaning that he doesn't want to spend a silly Hallmark Holiday with her and expects sympathy and support and all that.
Yes. She's your friend.
Yes. You were harsh.
But you were the better friend. Every single one of those other women who sat there and sympathised and consoled her because he doesn't really care and all that? They are feeding an illusion.
Morality of dating a married man aside, your friend needs to consider the hierarchy of the whole situation. His wife is going to be first, always. She's his wife. She's earned the right. Engaging in a romantic relationship with someone who has a commitment elsewhere comes with a set of complications and rules and seeing as she knew he was married going into Valentine's Day she has no right to expect to be his priority on that day. Your other friends do her a disservice by perpetuating the idea of entitlement in her own mind. They are aiding in warping her emotions and in the end they do nothing to help her come to terms and cope with the situation she's in. They are harming her.
The way it came out seemed hurtful and rude and if she's got any sense she will thank you regardless. At least you told her the truth. At least you were honest with her. Hopefully it helps keep her in the right frame of mind emotionally. She does not have first claim to this man and she shouldn't expect to. It's unfair to herself.
thank you
DeleteThis is what i was wanting to get accross, i just didnt put it too well, its really about being realistic in situations like these, and thats what i wanted her to realise.
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Sigh* This reminds me of a recent exchange with my mother--she needed a reality check, and I provided it in a less than ideal manner. It's not easy finding that middle ground, is it?
ReplyDeletePerhaps your approach could have used some more finesse; however, I think that you were right, and really, what is friendship without the ability to provide reality checks like that and still maintain the relationship?
Personally, ahem, I find the concept of the mistress complaining about time spent with the wife to be...Ironically ludicrous.
im hopeless at finding the middle ground, i just tend to open my mouth and say what i think and yeah sometimes i know i can be in-sensitive.
Deleteyes ludicrous pretty much sums it up!
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I agree with you Tori .. my bestie is in a new relationship (well it's about 8 months in now) .. he is a great guy & absolutely adores her! But she has gone a little soft in the head about him. She is having alot of trust issues, no not even that, ,.. she is paranoid that this is too good to be true & is pratically sabotaging herself because of it, And she has come to me with ever dillusion she has had about it. To be . honest .. it drives me nuts. I stopped coddling her when she snooped into his browser history on his computer .. found something too surprise surprise - he subscribes to some chick's webcam. OH BOY! Like I said I stopped coddling her because to me that is such a huge breach of privacy & trust (and not once has he even remotely done anything to warrant such behaviour) so I started telling her like it is. You were wrong .. it's a horrible thing that you did .. how would you like it if he did that to you (Loved her response to this "But I haven't done anything wrong & I have done nothing to hide" - but she still wouldn't like it if he did that to her). I wouldn't even entertain the notion that she found "something" on his computer, all I would talk about was the truth .. that it was a horrible thing she did & that if she didn't get a grip on herself that she was going to lose him. And ever since then, when she comes to me with a "crisis" I tell her the truth & she says that she comes to me because I am the only one who will be completely honest with her & tell her she is being THAT girl.
ReplyDeleteSo my whole point being, I think you said the exact right thing .. just maybe not at the best "venue" ... Who knows maybe you will be able to talk to her & explain to her that you are her friend & because you care you were only being honest (and maybe apologize for the public roasting - even though you were the ONLY one who had the guts to be honest, I am sure everybody else were thinking alot less kind things then what you were saying!) Hopefully, everything will work itself out!
(((hugs)))
I do think sometimes its easier for those 'looking in' to see where potential problems are, when your in it you can get lost and cant or wont see reason...in any circumstances.
DeleteWhat i said could have been said differently and yes definitely the wrong time and place, i am able to see that now, but at the time it was just....well i didnt think, mouth engaged before brain...its a habit of mine when im worked up.
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