An interview with....

The bossman.

I read this questionnaire over on Del Fonte's blog, and although we are no DD i thought for fun and to add a twist to it, adapting where necessary as its aimed at submissive's perspective, i would grill the bossman.

Was there a certain event from your life, that sparked the spanking (adapted to D/ and bdsm) interest?  If so feel free to share.

BM:  At university,  I bottomed to an older woman, I enjoyed the exchange but wanted to experience from the top point of view.

What are you often called by your bottom/submissive/slave?

BM:  Sir or Master generally speaking, you bastard does crop up on occasions usually proceeded with "I hate you"

We're building a big spanko fire, which implement would your bottom/sub/slave toss in?

BM:  Dressage whip

We all know how many punishments there are to choose from, spanking, corner time, lecturing etc, but what about rewards? Do you have a favourite reward that is used?  If not what's something you would like to use as a reward?

BM:  The reward is in knowing she is being pleasing and obedient.

Whats that one phrase, that when its used, she knows she is in trouble?

BM:  Tori would probably say it's when I say "Is that right?"

What's something you would like to cross off your spanking bucket list?  Being shy is not an option here people.

BM:  All crossed off.

Someone comes to you and says there just starting D/s.  Whats the biggest piece of advice you can give them?

BM:  Communicate with each other honestly.

We talked about spanking bucket list, now let's get a little more into it, what about a bdsm style bucket list, what would you like to cross off?

BM:  Nothing for me personally but there are things I would like to eventually have Tori experience.

Is there a punishment you thought you'd never try, but ended up trying it and finding it effective?

BM:  Nothing comes to mind, I prefer to use a punishment that fits the crime when appropriate.

If you bottom/sub/slave could take a break from a rule for one week, what rule would it be?

BM:  It would take her a week to decide what rule.

If you messed up and you offerred to let you bottom/sub/slave spank you, would she? why/why not?

BM:  She wouldn't, Tori would find it too distressing if I was to offer let alone consider it.

What is your favourite form of aftercare for your bottom/sub/slave?

BM: Laying in bed much later, talking it through.

If you could only use one implement here on out, what would it be?

BM: Cane.  Tori's favourite.

Dont keep still..you might get labelled!

well anyone who has children will most probably relate to this (although i wander if its a girl thing more than boys, because i didnt have it so bad with my son) anyway, toddlers, you know give them a box of crayons..in fact just a pen will do, you could give them an endless supply of paper...but

its still more fun to draw on the floor, walls and furniture, ..oh and themselves, they do eventually grow out of this...then or as it was in my case they discover stickers..and now instead of colouring in your carpet with black permanent marker pen, everything gets covered in stickers....even the poor old dog innocently sleeping his bed!

But they eventually grow out of that too, few years go by and just when you think that your furniture, walls, floors and the family pets are safe some well meaning friend gives my daughter a handheld digital labelling machine with extra cassettes.

I didnt think nothing of it, in fact i thought how handy it would be...

then i got home after working a little later, head straight into the kitchen to start dinner..open the cupboard doors and....

all the cans, jars and bottles that had peelable labels have been stripped of said labels and are now displaying a little strip from the machine saying whats in it....ok i did chuckle..then my son walked in and said "mum..thats not the worst of it..look around" and i did

the dishwasher now proudly displays a label "dishwasher", the kettle..is labelled..yes you guessed it "kettle" and they join the toaster, microwave, coffee machine, fridge heck even the toilet roll holder in the downstairs toilet now knows what it is.

I didnt really want to venture into other rooms to see if they had been attacked as well...mercifully they escaped, after the kitchen and toilet she went upstairs to label her room....

to which i went up to and sure enough there she is with stuff all over her bed, labelling it...i didnt give her too much of a hard time, but i made it clear that at 11 years old she should have thought about really did the kitchen need labelling....we had a giggle..she is still a child after all..but good god whats next

graffiti.

Withdrawing consent

"Is it ok for a slave to ever withdraw consent?"...anon.

Yes i think so.

However withdrawing consent is not something to be taken lightly, such as being used as a 'get-out' because one doesnt want to submit to something, but i guess perhaps it depends on whats acceptable within an individual relationship.

For me to withdraw consent it would have to be for very good reasons..such as

my Master not being in a fit state of mind (perhaps due to illness, alcohol) to make sound judgements.

my responsibilities to my childrens welfare threatened in any way ....i may be his slave but im a mum and for as long as they are dependent on me in the respect of them living at home....they come first...so something like hitting me in front of the children and/or exposing them to things they shouldnt be.....children need a safe/secure/loving environment.

* just to add in respect of above, i dont mean accidental incidents such as kids walking in when your having sex, or finding an implement etc....heck these can happen*

disregarding my emotional and physical welfare (outside of a 'scene') ie constantly or an example could be him having unprotected sex with various people or expecting me to

Its really about SSC (safe, sane and consensual) or RACK (risk aware consensual kink..although perhaps this pertains more to bdsm activity than the relationship as a whole) but either fit, yes we both like a drink, if he has been drinking we dont 'play' well not in anyway that involves bondage or anything 'extreme' and its certainly not the time to be having serious discussions when alcohol is involved.

I trust him not to behave in any of the above reasons i gave, he has not given me any reason not to trust him...but they are examples of circumstances that would make me withdraw consent and would have a huge impact on our relationship.

So, slaves (how you define that is up to you) contrary to myth or fantasy can leave, withdraw consent if circumstances call for it...anyway thats my thoughts.


*edited to add that i dont think withdrawing consent necessarily means the end of a relationship*

Actually

Im not finished..re the last post...ok so i know its been like an hour or so since i posted it....but

Yes..i have had more time to think and...

Im pissed.

Because, i really do feel that she has projected her thoughts onto me.

ok so yes i admit im not always a very confident person, but you know thinking all about what we talked about..and especially the end part about her observation about how i say "i think..." a lot....and then when i wrote my last post...i have been dwelling on it more....and im not a happy camper.

I think she has over analysed why i say "i think" a lot....and oh i know all about over analysing!

it has nothing to do with needing validation or a lack of confidence...maybe its just simply the way i am....i think a lot, yes i overthink a lot.....

and im damned if im going to be made to feel that i have 'issues' that i really dont think i do.

You know maybe its simply that i have a lot going on at the moment, i dont handle change very well but many more people have real problems going on in their lives, and by comparison mine are very trivial....and maybe the best thing for me is to go with my dear old grans saying which is

if thrown in the water, you either choose to give in and sink or you swim with all that you got..

im a swimmer.

i think......i dont think

I had my first session with a therapist this morning, and it was interesting, im not sure how i feel about it, but its early days.

Near the end of the session she asked me "are you a nice person?" and straightaway i replied with "i think so" and she pointed out to me that since the beginning of the session i have a tendency to preface a lot of my thoughts with "i think...." or "i dont think" in a manner that lacks confidence, that im seeking validation, that its ok to think what i do.

She has given me a task to complete before the next session, to list 10 positive things about myself that i know, that i have confidence in....and i havent started it yet.   Until this was pointed out to me i hadnt given it any thought, i suppose its become a habit, and i have been stewing on this since this mornings session.

And bloody hell, yes i do it a lot, when i talk to people, when i blog, reply to comments, comment elsewhere....but i dont think im not sure (there, that better!) its always because of a lack of confidence or needing validation...or rather i didnt think (ooops there i go again) that until she brought it up.....now im feeling paranoid...something else for me to overthink!

So now im going to be overly conscious of saying it or not saying it...ffs!

The dark side of the moon

I did not want to get out of bed this morning, tired, aching, sore all in a good way, alas the sore throat, runny nose and thumping headache was not expected, although im grateful it held off until today, so i lay in bed listening to the hustle bustle of the normal weekday morning routine going on downstairs, going over in my head the events of the weekend.

We had a good time, very good, an unexpected night out to see a Pink Floyd tribute band whom were brilliant, i loved it, lazy afternoon in bed being tormented and teased, after 3 months of being denied orgasms at one point i was begging for no more.....it was just too much.

Anyways much of the weekend has gone into my private journal, not because of anything bad, it was all very good...even the parts i didnt think was good at the time, i am one very happy content slave, lets just leave it at that.

Master was in a playful mood, and much to my surprise (and i think his!) i was very good, i did as i was told, ok there were a few moments of needing 'encouragement'.....which is not necessarily positive encouragement "well, I could always put the really thick needles through your nipples" which i really hate so that tends to get me motivated.

But there was a lot of playful banter, its nice to not have to always be so serious, to be able to mess around, calling him a "sick twisted nasty bastard" (in my defence its an accurate description) when im naked and vunerable felt really clever at the time....its when he demonstrates what a sick, twisted, nasty bastard he is..that i realise its perhaps not too clever...but i suffered deliciously...and on the plus side he takes it as a compliment!

Alas lying in bed is not an option, normal service must resume....and thats ok, because i love our 'normal'.

Outside the box

I like being forced to submit to his will, to what he wants....

he likes forcing me, but on his terms.

If im told to kneel and suck his cock he expects compliance, and he gets it (no hardship there lol) other times

He may grab my hair, push me to my knees, or pin me down underneath him and ram his cock in my mouth when im not expecting it, he is taking what he wants

If im told to bend over the spanking bench he expects compliance other times

I may be grabbed, smacked down onto it and held down

If he does use force in this way its because its what he wants at that time..plus i absolutely love it, what he doesnt like is my resisting when im instructed to do something, he expects my compliance.

I gave him my submission willingly, when i agreed to this dynamic i trusted him not to abuse it, submission in itself cannot be forced, well it could but i would be inclined to say thats not healthy. 

But being forced has its place if indeed its what both enjoy, which we do..eg the examples above, when he does use force its not because he has to, to get me to do what he wants, we simply both get off on it in certain circumstances.

I suppose its similar to the idea of 'play rape' nobody wants to really be raped, but yet 'rape play' is a popular kink, its centred around the idea of being forced...although the reality is its wanted, its a huge turn on.

On rare occasions he uses force to gain my compliance because im 'genuinley' fighting whats happening, this is not often, and he doesnt like it, but i need it, he knows i need it more than i do, and eventually i surrender...

its similar to being caned (or spanked etc) where i need release, but i cant get there and i fight it, hold back tears and i want it to stop, cursing, kicking out, but he wont stop and eventually i get past the barrier and the tears flow, i relax and embrace it.

A welcome distraction

Ok so as much as i would like to say everything is ok and im over it, i cant as that would be bollocks, but i know its going to take time especially in dealing with the issues about my mum and my insecurity..but steps are being taken to deal with it.

Im not avoiding it, but all that stuff is going in my private journal, anyway im sure you would much rather hear about my broken tiles...yeah you know you want to.

There in the bathroom, 3 of them, as i sit relaxing in the bath i can see them, right in front of me and they are taunting me, i cant relax, its irritating me, so im on a mission to have the bathroom redecorated....ok i could just settle for re-tiling but i do love major room make-overs.

The problem is i do tend to go a bit overboard, the kitchen for example was just meant to be a new kitchen fitted....it ended up being extended, new flooring..basically the whole room....and the contractors hated me..coz i kept changing my mind about plans...one electrician threatened to walk off the job.....i ended up having to apologise.

I have been banned (for some time now) from buying Good Home magazine, because yeah i do go ott, but i see all these wonderful designs, room plans etc and i get ideas......they all panic when i get ideas..because it usually means disruption.

Its not that i like disruption, i dont..but to get the end result you have to put up with it...so now im scouring the internet looking at bathrooms....i have worked out that we could lose some of the bedroom as its big enough...and have the bathroom bigger.....

because those 3 tiles have to go!

Plan of action

*you know how little i talk about sex here, right now i would rather be talking sex, i want to get these posts buried, out of sight*

I hate self reflection, im not too fond of having to 'let it all out' but it does help...one would think i would have learnt this by now.....and this getting written out helps.

I felt like if i talked anymore about it all...i will go bonkers, i didnt want to, but avoiding it wasnt going to happen.

Im not stupid i know that avoiding confronting issues is not the solution, and ok yes i admit i feel better this morning than i did yesterday because the weight of keeping it all to myself has gone.

I have conceded that perhaps professional therapy is a good option, i still dont think im depressed, but i have faced up to the fact that i am insecure and its effecting me and those around me, a lot of it stems from family issues, and since what has transpired between me and my mum its all been brought to the surface...i have got worse....i just couldnt see that, until all this blew up.

So im going to give it a shot, doctors appointment booked to get it all in motion.

Im going back to doing yoga, i used to go twice a week but stopped a couple of years ago...going tonight.

Teenage son is a normal teenager, he is meant to hate me apparently, if he didnt im doing something wrong......millions before me have survived the dreaded teens....im sure i will.

I love the kink, the control, the sex but its the 'normal' stuff i love as well, that keeps it all grounded

lying in bed with him watching Family Guy, talking about stuff, disagreeing, debating, laughing, listening to him talk about work, his past, going on long walks, being the passenger in the car....its like he has a personality transplant once he gets behind the wheel..its really quite funny, trying to convince him he has an unhealthy obsession with Indian food....honestly 9 times out of 10 when we go out to eat its Indian!

This weekend (fingers crossed all goes to plan) is not a cure, it wont fix things, but its needed by both of us, my only focus will be surrendering to him, if i do fight it, i know he wont give in....he never gives up on me.

Clogging up the pipe

I keep a handwritten journal, many of my more private thoughts, moments go in there, not necessarily kink related it has more detail about my children, family, details that wouldnt be safe to go here..being as its in the public arena as such.

This (the blog) is helpful in a different way, and i want to say that i appreciate every comment, i value the thoughts, opinions of others..even if i may disagree lol and i most definitely appreciate the support when im on a 'downer' so thankyou...all of you.

After a lot of discussion, and self reflection the triggers that have prompted me to have these feelings are a bit more clearer.

*i went to the doctors on Tuesday, he diagnosed me with depression, i dont believe i am, i dont think im in denial either, i wont be taking the prescription he gave me, nor seeing the therapist he recommended, i do admit that im finding it difficult, more than i imagined i would to adjust to my mum not being in my life, i see her, she sees the children but she doesnt acknowledge me....im not as ok about it as i was so sure i would be.

*i got it into my head that im a fraud, that im not submissive, i dont come accross as submissive, i dont have the apparent traits a submissive should have, and where all thats come from is anybodys guess.

*..life stuff..teenager stuff....its draining, worrying, upsetting constantly battling with my son...as far as he is concerned im just out to ruin his life

*Master is busy, really busy with work and so i have kept all this to myself because i didnt want to bother him, and you know those dog leads that can be extended to quite a long length?  well i feel like im on the end of one of those, and usually its not let out very far, but now its so far away that its harder to get control

*and all this has escalated, we have our weekend this weekend and we dont get them very often...anyone with children, work..will appreciate that getting weekends alone takes some planning..bit like a military operation lol....and i havent wanted anything to ruin that.

and what i need is this weekend, i need it but i have convinced myself i dont want it, i need to just escape and just 'be' but im frightened of how much of a fight im going to put up getting there.

Because giving up isnt an option

So.

I was not giving up, i just felt i needed to step away from here for a little while....but apparently blogging is good for me.

I let my emotions get the better of me and i said something to him that i shouldnt have, i told him i was going on strike (or words to that effect), and then just to make it worse i added "why? do you have a problem with that?"....with the attitude to go with it.

I know that here is my place to put thoughts down, its never been a rule that i have to blog.

I just felt that as i couldnt properly explain how im feeling, or indeed what has brought all this on, i didnt want to just do 'filler posts', nor did i want to end up with loads of depressing posts...because im shit at talking emotions.

i mean what am i meant to say other than im sorry.....when im not.

.

Thankyou for the comments on my last post, i will respond to them when i come back.

For now, i need time out from everything.

now more importantly be good...and if you cant be good have fun and stay safe

x

Just blank

a post thats well just because i need to try to get my jumbled thoughts down, and hopefully avoid confrontation, i dont want to fight against him.

You know when you feel like its not going to take much to send you over the edge into a full on emotional outburst (or as he would call them stroppy tantrums)?  well thats how im feeling.

Im putting it down to being tired, this week at work had been draining, staff shortages, and the new intake in the reception class has 5 children that identify as special needs and they all need to be assessed so their needs can be met, and it would be ok if it wasnt for the amount of stupid paperwork that goes with it....and the reality is the government is cracking down hard on funding and i know at least 2 of the children will not qualify...telling their parents that is difficult, it inevitably leads to the questions of "why is so-so's child eligible and mines not, etc etc"...its understandable

For once im glad he is busy, distracted, im getting on with what needs to be done, going through the motions, and thats about it.  I have these thoughts going on in my head, im feeling resentful, pissed off, ....certainly not in the right frame of mind to sit and talk about it rationally...if anything its a 'im not giving in without a fight' mood...and that never ends well....for me.

and i feel like my masochist button has been switched off, i dont want, desire any pain at all, and i have been feeling like this for over a week now, kept it to myself...yeah i know i preach about talking things through....well i dont want to talk about it.

Normally it doesnt take much to entice me, the mere suggestion of pain..instead of carrot being dangled in front of a donkey with me it would be the cane and im responsive, ususally im begging for pain, its my go-to, my 'pick-me-up'.

im a bit concerned about this, not felt like this before, not where im just not on any level wanting it, i feel like there is a part of me that has been blocked, locked up...not sure if that makes any sense at all.

Not that im superstitious...

Yay its Friday...that was my first thought on waking up.

Its been a long day, finished work, picked up my friends 2 year old that im looking after whilst she has a much needed date night with her husband, and had an argument with the pram.

Trying to get the damn thing folded to go in the car!....bloody hell what is it with the modern fancy prams..i swear one needs an engineering degree to get the damn thing folded, meanwhile the toddler is emptying my handbag all over the pavement.

Finally get home, where my son informs me that he is going to New York with his girlfriend in March....thats a battle i think i will save for tomorrow...something to look forward to...not.

and to top it off, i get home to find we have run out of coffee and the take-away i was planning to order from has shut for the night due to staff illness.

oh yes it is Friday the 13th isnt it.

Little Miss goody two shoes.

Thats what my mate called me, in a teasing manner.

Im pretty sure the bossman would not agree with that assessment lol...come to that, i dont agree with it either.

I did wander though if thats the impression i give off to them.

I dont think i come off as prim and proper, or a prude, (oh if only they knew!) but because of the nature of my relationship with the bossman there are circumstances that do make me uncomfortable, i dont partake in conversations that involve moaning about our other halfs, putting them down etc, and i wont engage in behaviour that he wouldnt approve of....even if he would never know....(which sometimes is their argument)

I would know.

There was a time that i worried that he would get bored of having an obedient slave, where would the challenge be in having someone that did as they were told all the time?....not that i needed to worry because umm yeah i have had my moments, and im sure there will be more of them..but ok yes  admittingly those moments dont occur very often at all.

Because its about respect, respecting his values, and he values obedience, and its about trust, i trust him to have authority and control over me.

I certainly wouldnt like it if he was slack in his dominance/control, i need him to be firm and unyielding, even when i think i dont want that..but thats probably when i need it most, if i want to thrive in his control, as i do, then its reasonable that its to be expected that i dont slack in my submission, my obedience to him.

He doesnt find my being obedient boring, he doesnt want his every decision, instruction etc challenged..its ebb and flow....i want/need/love his control and he wants/needs/loves to provide it.

Miss goody two shoes? no far from it. 

A woman that desires to please, to be controlled, to thrive under his ownership, to be 'pulled back into line' when i need it?  yes.

A question of asking for what you want

Although there is no guarantee you will get it anyway!

"how do you overcome the difficulty of asking for things, its so embarrrasing" 

Im not very patient, im also not very good at being still, i like anticipation but not when its dragged out, i still fall into a trap of wanting it now! unless its something i dont want of course lol....and i still have times of wanting to be dominated how and when i want it when im in the mood.

Oddly enough he doesnt like being told what to do, yeah dominants do seem to take issue of being told how to dominate..really wouldnt recommend trying it.

However that doesnt mean they dont want to know what we want, they do, or they should do in my mind....and due to lack of mind reading skills it means talking to them, opening up, it might be uncomfortable, it has been for me, i have been embarrassed about expressing my desires, what will he think of me!

Never has he made me feel like im a wierdo, even when i have thought it about myself, that the desires i have had and still have are wrong, eventually he has coaxed them out of me, got me to admit that i like things that previously i have protested i really dont like because i havent wanted to admit that i like xyz.

He doesnt like me keeping my thoughts, desires, needs etc from him, this blog (which he originally set up for me, and i was less than enthusiastic about) has been really useful, especially in the beginning because it was easier for me to write about what i wanted rather than have to spell it out face to face...the blog is a useful tool for both of us....it brings about discussion, and im long past worrying about what he might think about what i write...initally i was wary because i was concious of him reading it, now i dont think about it, i cant because it would effect what i write.   Honestly i would always recommend the benefits of the 'other half' reading your blog...they learn about you, what you think etc...more than you realise.

Ok, im rambling off in a different direction, get back on track tori!

Asking is or can be difficult, but by not asking you are holding back from them, denying them all of you, if you want to be dominated in the way you want and like, they need to know what you want and like, it might not mean you get it that instant but for them its knowledge and knowledge as is often said is power.

What they know about you, all of you is the most effective 'tool' they can have in their arsenal, not in any way to use against you but to tap into your desires, simply put the better they know you, the better they can effectively dominate you..and thats what you want isnt it?

How old am i?

Well im feeling a bit ashamed, i was rebuked by the bossman for wanting to know if i was better than his previous slaves, quite rightly he said its not a competition and we are all different....and i know that, i do.

I think better was and is the wrong term to use, but i picked up on his demeanour that this was not a conversation he was going to encourage and engage me in, and after the rebuke i dropped it.

I was dwelling on my last post (which i know i have comments to reply to, im getting there, they have given me food for thought) and this need to be everything he wants, i was looking for confirmation that i am.

Well i didnt get it.

But (of course there is a but) its no different to any normal relationship, where there is that curiosity about ones partners ex'es, isnt it normal to have that curiosity over what they were like? it is isnt it?....its like wanting to be told "yes the sex is better with you, its the best i have had" but then wandering if there only saying that to appease you.....well one things for sure i wouldnt get appeased with the bossman he would say it as it is.! wheras i want to know if they were more masochistic than me..i want to know if they could give him what he likes....maybe its best not knowing...i might not like the answer.

So why am i feeling like a scolded child?

because its childish i guess, i dont know, maybe its also not very dignifying (not sure if thats the word im looking for) and im thinking about greengirls comment on my last post and what she said about humility....which really got me thinking in relation to that post.

and i feel ashamed because wanting to question him and be told i am indeed better isnt very humble is it?

and really does it matter? no it doesnt, i know that.

Mumbles of whats to come

The bossman has an itch that is looking to be scratched, i sensed it, then he confirmed it, sometimes his need to hurt me is overwhelming, most of the time s/m is mutual enjoyment, then there are times like these when i know im going to suffer a lot, it will be about him, the sadist needs to sated.

The children will stay with their dad, or their friends for a long weekend, so im completely at his mercy and im torn between being excited but apprehensive, fearful as well because i know him at these times, i know its going to be rough.

I do love it, i wont bullshit about that, i just dont at the time, not the pain...its going to be more than im comfortable with and thats what makes me nervous, i suppose what i love is is the whole being broken down, to be stripped of any dignity, using humiliation and degredation he will dehumanise me so im a blank canvas ready to be 'worked' on.

The last time seems such a long time ago, since we 'played' really hard, well it has been a long time...work, kids etc..it takes a lot out of me and him, and i know from experience that it will be ok, i will be ok afterwards when he is sated, i bask in the after-effects as i 'come down', i like before and i absolutley love the after its the inbetween.

It just makes me, (and i know it shouldnt) think that i wish i could be more than i am, in the respect of masochistic, because i cant handle him at his worst, i have never experienced him at his worst..this will be just a taste of how sadistic he could be, and to be fair i think he is ok with that, he has never said other wise...but i just feel that i should be able to give him everything he needs and wants...and i feel a let down because he has to hold back.

Obedience to authority

I have just finished reading a book about Stanley Milgram whom carried out experiments and research back in the 60's on obedience....im a nerd, social structures and why we behave the way we do interests me.

a quote from the book

"obedience is as basic an element in the structure of social life as one can point to"

Although the book, experiments and research is in no way related to D/s, obedience is, and its what motivates one to obey that interested me, why does one obey in situations that perhaps go against what they want, believe is right, or goes against their instinct?

We are all acountable to authority in some form, employers, law and the military comes to mind, but in relationships no, yet in M/s or as it is for me i am accountable to the bossmans authority, it means that in some situations i obey even though its not what i want, believe to be right and perhaps rarer goes against my instinct.

I accept his authority without question because i respect his integrity, i trust that he wouldnt ask anything of me that would intentionally be detrimental to me and us, my motivation to obey is because i know he values obedience.

Master does tend to have a very black and white outlook in this regard, with little ...well no room for manoeuvre...its simply "you either choose to obey or not" a 'not' results in consequences, and i am punished because by not obeying im not respecting his authority over me.

For me its not so black and white, not always, sometimes i will try to seek out a loophole, to explain my reasonings, i never as of yet got anywhere by doing this, my arguments have been shall we say very colourful at times, think 'the dog ate my homework' excuse lol

His black and white attitude, would annoy me, that he wouldnt listen to reason, that sometimes there are reasonable explanations for ones actions, dont get me wrong i would feel bad that i had disobeyed him, i dont get any benefit out of displeasing him.

But anyway reading this book, got me thinking, and applying what i read to our situation, if you think of those in the military..they take an oath to obey orders, recruits from day one are taught and trained to obey, immediatley and without question.  I think its reasonable to say that sometimes they may have orders that they dont agree with, that they dont think are right..but they obey if they dont there are consequences.

That is what he expects and wants, its put this whole 'following blindly' logic in a different light, as i have questioned on occassion if thats a good thing, following blindly that is, its never really potrayed in a positive light, but yet if i trust him as i do, then really is it such a bad thing?