Wednesday 14 August 2013

So the flip side

I wandered after the last post if writing this could be construed as going against what i wrote only a few days ago, but i dont believe it does.  I know i have blogged about why we dont use safewords before, but a recent conversation with a submissive who asked why we dont when i have 'promoted' their importance (which is a fair question, i suppose others may be thinking it!) i thought i would address it again.

Its not a matter of just being about trust, i want to make that clear because to suggest it is, is like saying those that dont use safewords have more trust in their relationship than those that do....and thats simply not the case.

It is i believe about personal choice and circumstance.

A safeword isnt just about the physical activity ie s/m, it is applicable to any given situation, if something is wrong, sometimes its more an emotional distress.

I go into subspace quite easily, not always but more often than not when we 'scene' i go away with the fairies, subspace i imagine from reading others accounts varies in how we describe it, the sensations etc.

For me, i 'switch off' from my surroundings, the pain simply does not register, i am above it, its not just during s/m but also when its scenes that are intensely humiliating/degrading...i get 'lost' in myself..these are not 'bad' things, i love it, we both enjoy it but it does mean that im in no fit state to make a call on my own welfare.

When im 'flying' i believe i can take more, i will sometimes beg for more just to keep me in this wonderful place im in, this makes me incredibly vulnerable to him, he could easily take advantage of these moments.....now t1icklish made a comment on the last post...

"Maybe the dom had no interest in sticking a cobra up your ying yang originally, but at some point later he saw it online and just had to try it"

ok, so no offence to t1icklish but SSC and RACK come into play here, but more importantly a doms integrity, im sure there are many, many moments Master feels like strangling me when i have my 'moments' and there are times i feel like hitting him over the head with a rolling pin when he is sleeping....but hey common sense and SANITY stop this from happening.
....plus as much a dom may have urges to stick a cobra up his subs ying-yang...im pretty sure the idea of prison might turn him off that notion!

So yeah, at times im barely able to acknowledge Master, or speak (literally as i may be gagged/hooded), i simply am not able to assess my own limitations, it means more 'work' for him as he has to be very vigilant in assessing me and the situation closely....and he makes the call for me when enough is enough, and generally at these times its been before i think im ready...and afterwards when i 'come down' i realise that actually he was right.

If something is 'wrong' and i am level-headed, i tend to address the point directly as in "Master cuffs are too tight" etc, we have made it work for us and *touch wood* there hasnt been any situations where its gotten dangerously out of hand and he has 'missed' potential dangers.







15 comments:

  1. tori,

    I feel the same way as you. I am an advocate of safe words. But, I have a special Mistress who knows me and my body. I rely on her to stop play. We play hard, but I trust her. Unlike you, the pain always registers for me.

    Using safe words is critical for casual party play.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. hi joey

      Yep im a huge supporter of them which i know considering we dont use them seems odd..but thats us.

      Yep like you thats exactly how it is for us, relying on me to use a safeword isnt enough when im in that place of being unable to.

      But for casual play absolutely, when we played with others i most certainly had one and still would if we did again.

      x

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  2. Tori,

    I had this conversation with another sub recently.

    Again, I think safe words, pushing inhibitions, earning that trust, and really knowing your sub makes the difference between casual play, a great Dom/Master/Top, and an abuser.

    Of course, regardless the dynamic safe words are good as you never know when something occurs to a sub that she can't handle. It could be both mental and physical, and something the sub handled before but something is just different this time.

    To me, a great Dom/Master/Top is able to decipher those sounds, no's, stops, etc. For example, mine has learned my no/stop as "omg, i don't want you too stop but its just a natural reaction" to the distress in my voice from no, stop, it hurts, please don't stop altogether but redirect the play, if it continues I may say it. Therefore, we have a safe word, but He refuses to rely solely on it. Instead, He is constantly pushing me slowly so He can learn my mind, body, and soul. He can then handle the situation more safely. To Him, if i must safe word it means He did not put my well being above all. Even during punishment He kept checking on me. When the welts became almost bruise looking He lessened the force, He gave moments for me to breathe. If I cried my clit was on fire from the Tabasco He focused on something else until I replied it hurts.

    Great post.

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    1. I have yet to reach subspace, but we have spoken in depth how it will be handled.

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    2. hi ya HS

      Yes i do think when you both know each other well enough, you learn about each others reactions, but its not just that, it is considering scenarios where relying on just a word isnt practical..which on occassions is how it is with us.

      x

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  3. Hi Tori
    Your Master and you know each other very well, you may not have safewords but you have mechanisms in place that you trust will be honoured. Anyone who is new to this, or only perhaps does scenes on an ad hoc basis or irregularly, is far removed from your circumstances. It is to these couples who need to ensure they have their safewords and not be bullied.
    P and I have discussed our safeword more clearly. I think once certain toys or activities are being played out, safety goes up a notch.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Hi DF

      Yes absolutley its vital that he is aware of me and the situation, he has to be very vigilant when i am unable to let him know if something is wrong that shouldnt be...and its taken us time to get there, learning along the way.

      Safety is of most importance, for both...that cant be stressed enough, even down to both having basic first aid training (which we both do) hopefully we wont need to put it to use lol

      x

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  4. I think it's important to have them at least until you reach a point where the two of you are very aware of each other. in which case we don't take it away, it's just never used.

    i agree that during those moments when I'm flying, I doubt I could have uttered anything anyway. BIKSS watched closely for any signs of distress.

    and often we address something immediately too. "Hun, I can't feel my hands anymore" but I think it's cos we're used to NOT verbalising the stop's / no's / don'ts. It's just a thought. i don't know if it's true for you.

    when i'm in some distress i usually make "mmgmffhh" sounds. or i say ow ow ow ow... to reflect the pain. the louder it is, the more painful it is. but i have always been careful not to say stop or No. I think that would be confusing to him. lol.

    so if i actually holler STOP HUN THAT HURTS I'm certain he'd stop. without a safeword. We talked about this. i think it's also about listening to my tone of voice. he recognises the inflections in my pitch well enough that i know he'll understand when stop means stop.

    *sorry about the novel*

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    1. hi fondles

      you gave me stuff to ponder on here lol so dont worry about the novel.

      Yes i think you have a point, im very much a huge supporter of communication, so when something isnt right i would rather address it and discuss if necessary than relying on a word.

      It is as well as you stated about the dominant being in-tune with his submissive, being aware of their reactions, learning to interpret..."is this good or bad" and the more they are together the more is learnt.

      x

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  5. We don't have a safe word. Except once I yelled "safe word" but that was for tickling while I was bound, which to me just seemed totally off limits. :) I feel like he's an excellent read of me and would know without being told how I was doing...

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    1. Many dont and i dont think this is a bad thing, hence like i said in my last post it really is personal choice, for us not having one works.

      x

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  6. Tori:
    This is so well explained. And its the same for us, over here too. We don't use safewords either.

    I really like the points you make about how it really isn't about the trust equation---I don't think everyone quite understands that. Well said.

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    1. Hi Bleuame

      Thanks and nice to see you around.

      I think that the trust element as you said is something that always gets thrown about when the issue of safewords come about..and its not just about trust and i wanted to make that clear...so thanks for picking up on that.

      x

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  7. Tori, not even sure what blog to post on. Please don't be offended with me asking questions as you and your partner are way more advanced in this... Just trying to understand myself more and I really enjoy reading your blogs. Enough with the rambling, I am a loving wife and enjoy giving my husband's pleasure and also enjoy pain (90% in the bedroom). I am finding it hard to focus; maybe I'm just overthinking during. I'm not sure. Have you ever had to deal with this? (new into this). I mean I don't need to get off. Just knowing him being there for a couple of days thrills me but I'm just wondering If somethings wrong with me. If it's a waste of your time to respond I understand, I'm just so lost! Love your blog. Lots of love, D

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    1. hi D

      no offence at all, and please its not a waste of time, im going to answer this in a blog post...give me something to write about lol

      x

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