Every so often something crops up, i read or hear something that just gives me bad vibes, the red flags are waving furiously and i move on, its difficult to comment positively on something that one so vehemently disagrees with, and rather than cause offence its best to say nothing at all...instead i come here to my own little corner.
There are not many things bdsm, tpe or lets just shove it all under the ttwd umbrella, wise that i feel so strongly are wrong...but one of these is the handling of safewords.
Just to get it out of the way, personally we dont use them, not now, we used to, and when we played with others we did, but this isnt about 'us' its about the general understanding/usage of safewords.
Whats got me so riled? this type of scenario
'the submissive is scared, its new what her dominant wants to do, its ok to be scared, he tells her that she has her safeword and she should use it if it all gets too much, however if she does not only does the scene stop but its over...him and her, any chance of a relationship is gone!'
thats not bloody dominating, its bullying.
and you know, this submissive she goes through with it because she doesnt want to lose him, even though its much more than she can handle and she enjoyed no part of it at all, she puts on the brave face but inside its tearing her apart, but like most submissive its that desire to please, i get that, its what drives me most of the time.....that needing to please.
and the taunting of..
'good submissives/slaves dont have safewords, they are only for the newbies'
what a crock of shit! if he doesnt inspire you to submit and has to resort to emotional blackmail to get what he wants, he aint worth your submission.
if a dominant utters that, my advice? walk away...you could have 6 months or 20 years experience and have a safeword, doesnt matter if others dont....they arent you!
There isnt a bloody expiry date on safewords, they are there for as long as they are wanted or needed, having them or indeed not having them doesnt make anyone less or more 'better', using them doesnt make one weak or not as 'good'....and no matter what...if that word is uttered....
it should damn well be respected.
The submissive shouldnt be made to feel guilty, or that she has let her dominant down..and yes personally when we had one, i had used it...and yeah i did feel 'bad' and i think thats kind of normal to have those feelings....but they were my feelings......
but the Dominant, he should be reassuring, supportive, if it is used.....its a time to talk, address whats happened, what could have been done differently etc
ok got that off my chest....rant over.
Wow!
ReplyDeleteI know I am a 'newbie', but if He told me if i say the safeword we are done you best believe i wouldn't let the scene start. It's abuse. All the research even spoke in depth about safewords.
I pray for the sake of this sub, she realizes she deserves better not abuse.
Great post, Tori.
hi HS
DeleteAbsolutley yes its abuse, but i think sometimes submissives want to hold on to the 'dom' (and i use that term lightly) they are unable to see it for what it is...hopefully in time they do.
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I agree with you tori and HS. That type of behavior by a Dominant should not be tolerated by a submissive.
ReplyDeleteI worry about all the newbies entering the scene who may be subject to this type of bullying.
Excellent post,
Hug,
joey
hi joey
DeleteThanks.
Yes i worry too, i think there are too many bullies out their hiding under the guise of being dominant....and its important to get it out there that this behaviour shouldnt and wont be tolerated.
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Amen, honey. I've never had a safeword. I've only ever had my current owner as a bdsm partner. But I got lucky. There a a few things I never want to do and he's not interested in them. So we are a good match.
ReplyDeletehello Bound Emotions
DeleteA good match helps, thankfully Master and i are also, sure somethings i would rather not to but thats a whole other issue....but a sub should never be 'belittled' or issued with ultimatums if a safeword is in place.
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i feel a post coming on... thanks for writing this.
ReplyDeletelol often i get inspiration for a post from reading others.
Deletethanks
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I agree completely with this. It is as wrong as wrong can possibly get! If for nothing else, he is holding her mentally and emotionally hostage. He has taken away the one thing that separates how wonderful this lifestyle can be versus it being abuse...and that's consent. It instills panic and fear, and not in a good and sexy way. Issuing the threat like that for potentially using a safe word goes against everything we all stand for. And in cases like this it proves exactly what kind of a person and Dom he is, and the image we all have to battle in showing that this lifestyle is safe, sane and consensual. In fact, what you describe is a crime, in my opinion. Just sayin...
ReplyDeleteThanks for bringing this up and reminding all of us how wrong this really is.
DV
hi DV
DeleteYes i would deem it a crime, its just so abusive and behaviour that gives this lifestyle and bdsm in general a bad name or helps in making it misunderstood, i strongly believe subjects like this need to be 'put out here' or anywhere to make it clear its not acceptable.
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wow such a bully anything to get their own way and stuff the submissive...sssooo sssoooo wrong and it is people like him that gets the lifestyle a bad name. thanks for reminding us, its something to watch out for with new people coming to the scene..
ReplyDeleteblossom xx
It is bullying blossom i quite agree....and bullies deep down are cowards.
Deletex
*Bounces up and down on her chair applauding loudly!
ReplyDeleteWell said, well said.
thanks lil
DeleteI was so enraged when i came upon this....my first attempt to write this i had to send to draft folder as well it was ummm very harsh and language was foul lol
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(lil stole what I was going to say ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I'm still applauding this post!!! I think you should repost this every so often. Seriously.
thanks Sarah
DeleteI keep thinking that i should open a separate tab on my blog for posts like this...i think its important to get it out there that behaviour like this isnt acceptable....i will try to get around to that.
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Well said, Tori!!!
ReplyDeletethanks Renee, its something i really feel strongly about.
Deletex
Very well said, and I absolutely agree. When I first brought up DD to DH, we talked about a safeword, but we both think we don't need it. Safeword is our safeword.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, that horrible scenario you are describing is bullying. Awful.
thanks Julia
DeleteI do think its down to what works for the individual/couple, i have just posted why we dont use one,
i was so disturbed when i came accross that scenario.
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Yeah, that's seriously creepy. In other words, the sub has to let the Dom do absolutely anything to her, or he'll break up with her. That's nuts. Even if you're on the same page at the beginning, and you feel you don't need a safeword because you don't think the Dom will ever want certain off-limits things, people change. Maybe the Dom had no interest in sticking a cobra up your ying yang originally, but at some point later he saw it online and just had to try it.
ReplyDeletehi t1klish
DeleteIt is creepy and unfortunatley it happens. I did chuckle at your cobra comment and addressed that in my latest post.
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We didn't have a safeword initially, or rather we did - 'stop' or 'hang on a minute' and that's what he'd do, and we'd stop and discuss and sort the problem.
ReplyDeleteNow we've started playing a little more with things, he may well keep going when I whine or fuss, therefore we have a safeword so he knows when I REALLY mean 'stop'.
Then we can play in this way, because not only do I now trust him to stop when I really mean it (i.e., when I use the safeword) but also because he now trusts me to use the safeword and tell him to stop /pause when I really need him too.
That's what the concept of safewords mean to me, they allow you to do play that might involve protest/fuss/overwhelming etc
The whole 'safeword means it's ALL OVER is, as you quite rightly say, is bullying and ridiculous.
Yes i do like this explanation of using safewords, relying on protests of "no" is simply not enough, often times i will protest i would like something to stop but i would be well pissed off if he actually did lol...no wander they say find us confusing!
Deletex
If I had just met my Dom and he had told me if you use your safeword it's over, I would walk. Thank you for posting this tori. We can hope that sub will read this post and figure out she doesn't deserve this.
ReplyDeleteHi Jodi
DeleteI would like to think she will but i doubt it (she doesnt follow me, i came accross her post via another blog).
But still i think its important to get this message out there.
thanks
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I was just given the link to your blog as I am considering having a safe word. I am really glad I read it, as you have written what I have often thought about. Luckily, mine is a totally different scenario, but even so, I feel it would be helpful to have say, Yellow for 'reaching my limit' and Red for 'stop'. Thank you for sharing these opinions.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Ami
hello Ami and welcome
DeleteI think the colour scheme is a great idea, especially having the option of yellow to let the dominant know your getting close to 'enough is enough' a good way for both to learn about each others limitations.
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