But im not allowed to....and i know that

I used to think how i would get around situations that require me having to ask his permission first, i mean its not like you can say to your vanilla friends "sorry im not allowed" because well obvious reasons really, but the soloution was simple "can i get back to you on that, not sure what my/our plans are" i just tend to over worry about silly things...im just a worrier full stop.

Sometimes there are situations that i just know that i wouldnt be given permission for and i make my apologies if appropriate, sometimes situations crop up that i could go ahead and do and he would never know.

It could be something very simple, lets say masturbating as an example (but it could be anything), i am not allowed to do this under any circumstances without his permission, he has recently decided i am not allowed to ask if i can, he decides when and how.

But i could, i could go upstairs now have a nice play with myself, he would be none the wiser, and i would enjoy it, but then afterwards, after the come-down from the orgasm i would feel guilty and i would argue with myself in my head, think image of a devil and angel lol, its ok he wont know, whats the big deal, its my body! and then but im not allowed to, i have disobeyed him, its disrespectful to him and this argument would go back and forth in my head....he wont know/but it was wrong etc etc

Then later we might be talking or whatever but im not really *there* because this battle is still going on in my head, and im on edge, and now its worse because time is getting on, it might even carry on for a couple of days and all the time im feeling worse and worse, especially if he outright asks "Is there something you want to tell me" and then i know he knows i have done something im not allowed to do and i feel trapped....because i *know*.

I know this because i have done this, not for a long while though.

Eventually i spill all and its that proverbial weight being removed from my shoulders.

But its more than just feeling guilt about what i have done, its about trust, he trusts me to behave in a way he expects regardless of if he is around or not, its about respecting his authority over me.