Tuesday, 29 January 2013

But im not allowed to....and i know that

I used to think how i would get around situations that require me having to ask his permission first, i mean its not like you can say to your vanilla friends "sorry im not allowed" because well obvious reasons really, but the soloution was simple "can i get back to you on that, not sure what my/our plans are" i just tend to over worry about silly things...im just a worrier full stop.

Sometimes there are situations that i just know that i wouldnt be given permission for and i make my apologies if appropriate, sometimes situations crop up that i could go ahead and do and he would never know.

It could be something very simple, lets say masturbating as an example (but it could be anything), i am not allowed to do this under any circumstances without his permission, he has recently decided i am not allowed to ask if i can, he decides when and how.

But i could, i could go upstairs now have a nice play with myself, he would be none the wiser, and i would enjoy it, but then afterwards, after the come-down from the orgasm i would feel guilty and i would argue with myself in my head, think image of a devil and angel lol, its ok he wont know, whats the big deal, its my body! and then but im not allowed to, i have disobeyed him, its disrespectful to him and this argument would go back and forth in my head....he wont know/but it was wrong etc etc

Then later we might be talking or whatever but im not really *there* because this battle is still going on in my head, and im on edge, and now its worse because time is getting on, it might even carry on for a couple of days and all the time im feeling worse and worse, especially if he outright asks "Is there something you want to tell me" and then i know he knows i have done something im not allowed to do and i feel trapped....because i *know*.

I know this because i have done this, not for a long while though.

Eventually i spill all and its that proverbial weight being removed from my shoulders.

But its more than just feeling guilt about what i have done, its about trust, he trusts me to behave in a way he expects regardless of if he is around or not, its about respecting his authority over me. 


  1. Yep..

    Really have nothing to add...It's all true and mouse used to worry too about how to handle those questions...but yanno it's what it is....

    1. Yes thats it..it is what it is.

      I just have a habit of making what should be simple complicated!


  2. Breaking the rules is never as rewarding as you think it will be. However, I have had to learn that a few times myself.