Not long after i started working at my present job the staff went on a team building weekend and one of the activities was jumping off a bridge into a running river below, i recall sitting on this bridge, rope around the waist for well over an hour plucking up the courage to jump. Other members of staff that were with me were very supportive and patient as i sat their battling to overcome my nerves, i wanted to do it but i was scared and nervous and eventually my nerves got me and i couldnt go through with it...the next day and for a while afterwards i beat myself up over wishing i had jumped.
Sometimes i think the flow of submission is like how i felt sitting on that bridge but the biggest difference being there is no gettting off it, i can go along happily confident in my submission until something comes along that stops me in my tracks, i get scared and nervous and i know i want this and i do but i let my nerves get the better of my confidence and i cant make the jump on my own, i need to be pushed because if im not then i will be sat on that metaphoric bridge for a long time.
I have to trust him more than i trust myself and my own instincts and that can be scary in itself, but i need to, i have to because sometimes i just cant do it on my own no matter how much i want to, i trust this man so completley and that truely terrifies me because i feel threatened that im losing myself along the way...independency, control of my own emotions and thoughts..he wants all of me..but im sitting on the ledge looking over and i want it i do but im scared and im not walking away...i cant he wont let me and i dont think i could anyway....there is no walking away from this.
Im happy and i wouldnt want our relationship to be anything other than what it is and sure for the most part its all good, but i wander if really the issue is i get complacent with it all and take it for granted so i panic and get scared when he wants more..and the more could be anything.