I used to see being needy as a negative trait and perhaps in more conventional relationships its not something that is seen as desirable but the bossman likes my neediness, me well i struggle with it, part of me likes the fact that he brings out this neediness in me and that i am dependent on him for my emotional wants and needs as well as other mundane matters but then there is that other part that fears the emotions that being needy brings out in me.
Its not needy in a way of demanding and wanting his attention but..oh im struggling to describe it, its this need to feel owned, to feel controlled and it tends to manifest itself more when he is busy and perhaps its insecurity on my part..i dont know.
I find it scary still even after all this time that i have these conflicts of not wanting to be needy, because being needy means panic, panic of fearing change, i start imagining these silly scenarios and they are silly things like.....what if he didnt want me anymore? what will i do? what if he loses interest.....and i cant even explain why i have these trains of thoughts because everything is fine.
I wander if it is because the further we go in this dynamic the more that dependency and neediness grows and the real fear is how far deep my enslavement could go.