"I have a need to hurt you"

We dont often touch on his sadism, but at the weekend we had a discussion about it.

When the bossman says these words (post title) i know its going to be rough, i know that the pain he is going to inflict on me will be to sate his needs and i said to him that at these times he wants me to suffer, he prefers it when i dont enjoy it and he agreed that this was a correct observation.

I accept this but i cant quite say i understand it, but i guess its one of those things if your not that way ie likeminded then you cant understand and im not sadistic so i cant relate to what it does for him.  He has said that he wouldnt enjoy hurting a sub/slave that did not desire it at all and of course not all submissives are masochists.  I asked him if he would enjoy hurting someone that was masochistic but not submissive at all and he said he would and he asked if i doubted my submission, and i dont not at all but i admitted to doubting my masochism.

I know he would like to push me a lot harder than he does and on the times he hurts me for his pleasure he does take me beyond what i can cope with and pushes my limits to near on breaking point, i dont know he just seems to know how far he can go...and he admits its not as far as he would at times like but its ok...Rome wasnt built in a day.

I still didnt quite get how if he didnt like hurting subs that dont enjoy pain at all how come he likes hurting me at times in ways i really dont like,  and is it better hurting someone that desires it but is not submissive? he has explained the difference is that it excites me mentally and physically it arouses me, i would miss those times if they didnt happen so yes i kind of got a better understanding, i do desire it i just dont like it.  But a driving force of what compels me to want to go further and endure is the need to please him, to sate his desires and also my love of being controlled and not having a choice and he said he wouldnt get that from someone that was not submissive and that makes the difference.

Sitting on the edge, peering over

Not long after i started working at my present job the staff went on a team building weekend and one of the activities was jumping off a bridge into a running river below, i recall sitting on this bridge, rope around the waist for well over an hour plucking up the courage to jump.  Other members of staff that were with me were very supportive and patient as i sat their battling to overcome my nerves, i wanted to do it but i was scared and nervous and eventually my nerves got me and i couldnt go through with it...the next day and for a while afterwards i beat myself up over wishing i had jumped.

Sometimes i think the flow of submission is like how i felt sitting on that bridge but the biggest difference being there is no gettting off it, i can go along happily confident in my submission until something comes along that stops me in my tracks, i get scared and nervous and i know i want this and i do but i let my nerves get the better of my confidence and i cant make the jump on my own, i need to be pushed because if im not then i will be sat on that metaphoric bridge for a long time.

I have to trust him more than i trust myself and my own instincts and that can be scary in itself, but i need to, i have to because sometimes i just cant do it on my own no matter how much i want to, i trust this man so completley and that truely terrifies me because i feel threatened that im losing myself along the way...independency, control of my own emotions and thoughts..he wants all of me..but im sitting on the ledge looking over and i want it i do but im scared and im not walking away...i cant he wont let me and i dont think i could anyway....there is no walking away from this.

Im happy and i wouldnt want our relationship to be anything other than what it is and sure for the most part its all good, but i wander if really the issue is i get complacent with it all and take it for granted so i panic and get scared when he wants more..and the more could be anything.

Dont like being spanked

I dont like being spanked especially otk but yet a lot of blogs i follow are about spanking and sex and i enjoy reading them, i think its because not only do i like to read other opinions and thoughts..im all for broadening the mind but another reason is trying to understand why i dont get the whole erotic side of spanking.

Ok i know we are all different, hell i suspect that many dont get what i find erotic about being caned or whipped but if i like those then surely a spanking is quite mild in comparison.  It is i think how we process these activities in our heads that makes a difference, for me being spanked i associate with being treated as a child (i was not spanked as a child) and therefore find it hugely humiliating on the times he has spanked me, its not the pain aspect it hurts yes but my feelings of being humiliated and how degrading i find it are more profound for me that the pain.

Its not even like the first time he spanked me was in any way associated with punishment or anything negative, but i just recall the first time he made me get over his lap it had me feeling mortified and embarrassed which considering he has had me in more exposed positions really was silly but its how i felt.  I will beg for things i dont like rather than be spanked, i can just about tolerate it as a warm-up ready for other implements but i prefer other implements being used lightly as a warm-up to build up to a heavy session.

I dont think i have come accross anyone that thinks like me yet im sure i cant be alone in thinking this, i read blogs of erotic spanking and it sounds appealing and i think what is wrong with me that i dont get those warm fuzzy feelings.

The backlash

Well i did think it might happen but i hoped i was wrong, but the backlash of that book..do i need to name it..you know..the 50 shades one...well the backlash has started here in the UK.  A female director of a womens refuge is calling out for the books to be burnt and is hoping to have a bonfire of them ready for 5th November (Guy Fawkes night).

She states

"Our concern is not the graphic depiction of sex - this is an abusive relationship presented as a love story. It normalises abuse, degrades women and encourages sexual violence."  "There is lots of abuse in the book, not just sexual abuse. Do millions and millions of women suffer from secret self-loathing? Do they all want to be treated this badly?"

Ok so personally i didnt go much on the book, i dont think it portrayed a D/s relationship very well, but i also dont think it in anyway glorified abuse of women yes perhaps im biased because of the relationship im in and i do think unless your in a similar type of dynamic then the general vanilla person wont get it.

I do support and would like to see M/s dynamics accepted in the eyes of the law but more specifically the right to be able to consent to certain activities within s/m..as an adult of sane mind i think i have the right to choose what activities i engage in in private....here in the uk the law does not acknowledge consent to certain s/m activities some of which the bossman and i engage in.

There is a lot of ignorance about this lifestyle and i dont think the book has helped to improve this, on further coverage of this there was a debate shown in which comments were made such as "well the people that do this need professional help", "the women must have low self esteem" etc etc, there were 2 people that chose to have their identities hidden who live the lifestyle interviewed and they did their best to convey a good argument but strangely enough they didnt get as much air time!

Unfortunatley what i did agree with is i do think because of the major commercial success of this book its leading to a lot of women seeking their "Mr Grey" an increase of spanking paraphernalia being bought and women joining bdsm sites this could well be an abusers playground hiding under the guise of being dominant.

I do fear that this book and its popularity is a set back to s/m and D/s relationships being seen as anything other than abusive.

Just weeding

Perhaps im just feeling out of sorts, i dont know but little trivial things are irritating me (no not pmt) like he always steals the pillows when we go to bed because we generally watch a bit of television or read and right now that little minor issue is pissing me off, yeah i know petty but its well little things like that.....im feeling that im on the verge of having a full on explosion of temper and its not going to take much to trigger it.

So i thought i would work it off in the garden, no idea why, i don't particularly like gardening...yes im feeling miserable..no scrap that im feeling sorry for myself because he is working a lot and i remember a few years ago he said once he went down to a 4 day week it would calm down...oooh a pig has just flown past the window!  and instead of making it easier for him when he is so busy im moaning albeit indirectly im trying not to let it build up into something its not...because its not nothing new really..he is always busy and i get that, i have always known that the man is not one to be idle..he always has something on.

So im going to kill some weeds instead...well at least what i think are weeds..i havent a clue really..my philosophy is if i dont like the look of them they get dug up.

The idea of consensual slavery

My last post didnt really make a lot of sense, it was a bit vague.  It was brought about by a discussion with a friend and a passing comment she made to me "I think it would be more easier and fun being a slave" in response to a little moan i was having about the bossman.  So it brought about the discussion of the ideas of what a slave is.

6 years ago

I had this idea in my mind of what being a consensual slave in a tpe dynamic was, this was perpetuated with the ideas of having no limits, and an abundance of s/m followed with great sex when and however he wanted.  I liked the idea of being used soley for his pleasure, to be his slut, whore..to be whatever he wanted, to be controlled/dominated in every way, and being a slave..how cool is that! the idea turned me on, yes the idea of it all was very appealing...it would be fun.

Now

Im laughing at my ideas, some might understand why im laughing.  The thing is its taken me years to start really grasping the concept and the reality of consensual slavery and i still have a long way to go and much more to learn about myself, what i do know as a certainty is its less about the physical aspects and more about the mindset and its establishing the mindset that takes time..it does not happen overnight and it takes full time commitment from both.

I started blogging in 2007 when i agreed to the process of enslavement, after 2 years i took a break and started blogging again the beginning of this year, there were reasons for that nothing major the bossman and i were fine but in that break there was a huge transitional period.  Perhaps i should have documented it, i have posts i wrote but never posted, it was difficult, a lot of resistence, denial, it just wasnt and isnt as easy as i expected it to be..it felt like the proverbial bubble being popped and everything i belived it to be like when i first started blogging was a facade...an illusion....now i know it was just naivety.

Consensual slavery and/or tpe dynamics are not better or more than being submissive its simply another spoke in the umbrella that is ttwd, i do think though the 'idea' of slavery is whats most appealing but when the actual reality of it hits its not so much and thats when it starts to get difficult and challenging and to a certain extent not fun as the realisation sinks in.

Because its just playing a game really isnt it?

I have and can make choices, i have many trivial choices..i choose whether i want a shower or a bath, i choose whether i want cereal or toast for my breakfast, some choices i make are run of the mill, some have consequences, some require me to think about whether the bossman would approve or not and then there are those choices that would be detrimental to us and to the very foundation of our relationship.

There are also many things he does not allow me a choice in, some being trivial and i dont bat an eyelid, some irritate me but i accept it without complaint and then there are some that cause me to become defensive, i dont agree, i dont like and i dont want to go along with it and i let him know as much...oh but i am left with a choice..i can choose to obey or not, but if i choose not to obey there are consequences and ones i wont like and i will still have to obey even after the aftermath of the consequences.

but its all just pretend really isnt it? he cant make me do or agree to something i dont want because that would be abuse wouldnt it?

I know what my answer is to those questions...No...this reality of M/s isnt a game because unlike a game its not always fun to play.

Pillow talk

One of my favourite moments are those in the morning, just waking up and having him to myself before the day fully starts, especially the times we have the opportunity to lie in with do distractions or neither of us have to be up for any reason...although i do normally get booted out to bring a cup of tea back to bed. 

Before the tea though and if he is feeling receptive i seek out his cock (which is always receptive first thing in the morning even if he isnt) and i like to take the time to worship it with my mouth and hands, slowly licking all over..before taking it into my mouth..slowly working it just the way he likes it..oh and he is very specific about how he likes it..of course!

But what i do love especially is when he wakes and takes me for his pleasure, he doesnt concern himself with whether my body is receptive, he doesnt need to, he knows it will be..it always is....i used to think that was impossible..you know being able to get aroused and stimulated that quickly, and to stay aroused for long periods of time..but now i know better. 

In these moments the sexual element is somewhat different than at other times as generally sex is interwined with s/m and/or im in bondage, they both give me satisfaction but in very different ways, in those morning moments there is pillow talk...not always but often, its these moments when i open up to him in a different way, in these moments i will be and do whatever he asks.

Hmmph

Oven has finally given up it is now beyond repair, so i thought yippeee take-away for a few days at least..a break from cooking...no..because some twat invented barbecues...i hate barbecuing..its an unwritten rule isnt that barbecues are a mans thing....well apparently not in this house.

The feeling of unfairness is justified in this case...there i feel so much better getting that out my system.

A course on communication

Last week I went on a 2 day course along with many other members of staff that i work with at school, we were all mumbling and grumbling about it being smack in the school holidays and it being one of the few days where the sun was shining but well it has to be done.  On arriving at the boardroom at this rather nice hotel we automatically formed into our own groups, there are those im friendly with in work and out and we sat together, and so it was with the other staff,  the tables sat 4 all arranged haphazardly around the room.

In walked the presenter of the meeting  lets call him Mr A, the first thing he did was give everyone a number on the table from 1 to 4, all the 1's had to sit together, the 2's etc, so the end result being we were sat with people we wouldnt normally choose to be sat with, not because there maybe a disike of them but rather i think its natural to gravitate and sit with those we know better.

Should have predicted something like this really as the course was entitled 'Effective positive communication with children' and in order to achieve this there needs to be open effective communication among the staff as well, and one of the big problems highlighted at a staff meeting last year was the lack of communication and consistency between staff.

The first day was very interesting, we didnt touch on any element of communication with children, but rather it was focused on us the staff and expanding on our communication skills with each other, it highlighted something, something that on the closing of that first day we were all quite shocked about...we communicate worse than the children do between each other and there is a high level of judgement of each other..more specifically 'groups'....the groups being the 'old school' teachers, the newly qualified teachers, classroom assistants, key workers that work with specific children (thats my group), teachers assistants, admin, the head and deputy head and the caretaking staff.

Different groups but all under one umbrella.

Its given me pause for thought, i think it has for a lot of us and i learnt a lot about myself as well as other members of staff and its also made me think about how ttwd is similar, how we are all on some level living an alternative lifestyle of some form, but there are different groups, and how we communicate with those different groups, is there judgement?, do we have a tendency to be drawn to those most similar ie in the same group?

Think i shall come back to this.

Its still all new and exciting for me

Still after over 5 years of being with bossman i get excited about trying new things, there are still so many experiences that i want, my enthusiasm is just as great as any one first starting on this journey, i dont want to lose that, but (there is always a but!) its not all 24/7 kink even if the dynamic is, by kink i mean s/m, bondage, it happens obviously but i wouldnt say regularly certainly not the heavier stuff.

I dont mind this, my first and biggest love is being controlled/dominated the kink is secondry but sometimes i feel that the bossman doesnt have the same enthusiasm or excitment as i do, he has never said this and its more than likely me overthinking as normal, but i do wander does the enthusiasm and excitment wear off?  He has been doing this a lot longer than me and bar one thing there is nothing he has done with me that he hasnt with anyone else, he knows what he likes and doesnt because he has the experience behind him...i dont.

I asked yesterday if we could try something new, something that i havent done and to be fair he suggested some things, some scared me (pass on those i think for a while if i can get away with it) and others gave me that exciting tingly feeling and next time we get around to it we will try one or more of what he suggested.   So what am i bloody whinning about, he was fine, he didnt give me any impression that he wasnt enthusiastic....i guess, no i dont guess i know, i feel slightly resentful..not sure if thats the accurate word...that i have to ask, because if he had wanted to do these things then why hasnt he introduced them already? is it because he has been there done that and its not really something that appeals to him? 

I should just ask him outright, i know i should, he is always honest, too brutally honest at times and i think thats why im reluctant to ask because what if the answer is the one i dont want to hear?  Then its like what right do i have to feel this resentment...if its that, the man has introduced me to so many varied scenarios of pain and pleasure, i have had fantasies made reality...im lucky i know i am shouldnt i be happy with what we do do after all i should know from previous experiences 'beware of what you ask for'.

Just enough

 Im not a huge fan of being whipped and most of the time i will beg him not to as soon as i realise his intent, its pointless but nevertheless i still have that little bit of hope in me that he wont even though we both know that even though i protest that if he did indeed give into my begging i would be disappointed...i know i confuse myself.!

So this time when he instructed me to get on the cross the usual pattern started "i really dont want to be whipped" and the usual reply "I know, get on the cross" one last pity look in his direction which just gets ignored and i get on it and i wait to be restrained....and..he doesnt restrain me so this is not the usual pattern 90% of the time im restrained, he knows i prefer to be tied up it means i cant get away so i have to accept it and i simply prefer being in bondage it makes me feel secure and safe.

So im a bit uneasy at this point and i dont have time to dwell on it before he starts so i just grip on to the cross tightly ready for the first strike and the first one in a way is the worst because its anticipating it because i know i dont like it because it bloody hurts...single tails are not my friends.  I cant remember how many it was not a lot and it wasnt that hard either but i knew he had lined up a few whips he wanted to use so i begged for a different one, specifically i begged for the multi tailed whip and he obliged so i figured why not push my luck and ask to be hooded as well..i do love to be hooded.

Then he had me turn over and im even worse at coping with the whip on my front so there was a few moments of covering my tits and being told to put my arms away...this is why i prefer being restrained it removes that option...im all for the fewer choices available the better!   I did struggle with this more but i was determined that i would endure as long as i could and just when i thought it was getting too much and i was ready to move away he stopped.

It was managable, he wasnt in a particularly sadistic mood and i missed that, i wanted his cruelty it was though just enough for me, like it was enough to satisty my craving for pain but within what i can reasonable handle...how do they judge that so well?

I stood with the back to my cross waiting, i couldnt see him and my hearing isnt too good with the hood on either, and minutes seemed to go by with nothing happening just silence, wandering is there going to be more and then he grabs my nipple twisting and pulling it roughly, pressing himself against me i could feel his arousal, he removed me from the cross putting me onto my back on the spanking bench he thrust into me...i cant write about sex i really cant it i just find it difficult..it was rough, i was sore but on a high from the pain and i got a few orgasms out of it.

Introducing.....Mrs PMT Hormone AKA the stroppy bitch

Generally she is easy going and happy, however as much as she tries to contain it sometimes her mood turns quickly and she is aware that she maybe being unreasonable but it can be difficult to control these outbursts which can range from being tearful, tempermental, stroppy, snappy amongst others....there are hints to avoid this

1.  The worst thing to say when an outburst is occurring is "oh here we go due on again"...just dont say it....that will bring out even more outbursts

2.  If your a man as thoughtful and understanding as you may be..you cannot possibly relate to her at this time...so definitley no "its all in your head!"

3.  her breasts are sore and tender so when you get a "fuck off" look when you want to torture them dont be too surprised if you do get a bit of verbal abuse as well

4.  she really doesnt care where your shoes are when your rushing around looking and asking where they are....she doesnt bloody wear them...if you havent found them after 3/4 days she will be in a better frame of mind to help

5.  she didnt buy the laundry basket as an ornament

6.  dont misnterpret her sultry looks as she wants to rip your pants off..more than likely its your head

7.  no a good beating or sex will not make her feel better...chocolate on the other hand will

Really its not difficult and most of the time she is ok.

Well....

When i wrote the post about abortion i knew it was a sensitive subject and controversial but i did not write it for the controversy, its something that i feel strongly about, have experience with and its been on my mind a fair bit because of my niece.

I wont apologise for what i wrote, i stand by every word, when i write a post i write what im feeling or what may be relevant to whats going on in my head at that time, i may get inspiration from reading other blogs and occassionally i may dig out unpublished posts (i have too many just sitting there).  I guess what im saying is as much as i appreciate the comments and i do very much so, and i enjoy opinions and interacting but i dont write for popularity, i dont dwell on how many followers i have, what my stats are however i do care about offending or/and upsetting people unintentionally.

The abortion post caused me to do something i have said i never would, i have started moderating comments before they are posted..well i was told to....but i had no argument there and it turns out it was for the best.  This isnt about censoring a persons opinions because i disagree with them, i actually enjoy healthy debate but on this occassion i allowed my emotions over what is a sensitive subject to get the better of me and it started to get nasty, i take some of the responsibility for letting it head that way.

Anyway normal service is resumed....well my kind of normal.

Fear of neediness

I used to see being needy as a negative trait and perhaps in more conventional relationships its not something that is seen as desirable but the bossman likes my neediness, me well i struggle with it, part of me likes the fact that he brings out this neediness in me and that i am dependent on him for my emotional wants and needs as well as other mundane matters but then there is that other part that fears the emotions that being needy brings out in me.

Its not needy in a way of demanding and wanting his attention but..oh im struggling to describe it, its this need to feel owned, to feel controlled and it tends to manifest itself more when he is busy and perhaps its insecurity on my part..i dont know. 

I find it scary still even after all this time that i have these conflicts of not wanting to be needy, because being needy means panic, panic of fearing change, i start imagining these silly scenarios and they are silly things like.....what if he didnt want me anymore? what will i do? what if he loses interest.....and i cant even explain why i have these trains of thoughts because everything is fine.

I wander if it is because the further we go in this dynamic the more that dependency and neediness grows and the real fear is how far deep my enslavement could go.

Abortion should be a choice and right for any women that chooses it...

.....without judgement.

Years ago, before i met the bossman i had an abortion, i dont regret it, i have no moments of wandering what if? i did the right thing for me and for the child i already had.   I have listened to anti abortionists preach their views, i have stayed silent, it was my choice alone to have the abortion, nobody else's, i dont nor should i need to give a reason for doing so.  There are those that may judge and condem me, im a sinner is some people's eyes, a murderer in others, im none of these, im a woman that made a choice..the right choice but by no means was it an easy choice at that time.

With the bossman i have a coil fitted so im being responsible in preventing an unwanted pregnancy, i do not want any more children and i know that he doesnt want any, mistakes and accidents happen but i know that if i were to get pregnant i would not hesitate in having an abortion and i would have his full support but ultimatley it would be a decision that is mine to make either way.

Why am i thinking of this now? my niece has had a baby (baby is 5 months old now), she didnt want it she went to the doctor to arrange an abortion, she is only 17 but her boyfriend wanted the baby and her mum told her abortion was wrong and sinful, her friends all supported and ecouraged her to keep it, now her boyfriend is long gone, fatherhood was too much it appears and he left when baby was 3 weeks old and nothing has been heard since!  her friends have moved on, there out enjoying life.  My neice is depressed, resentful and is struggling to bond with her baby, she says everytime she looks at him she sees a burden she didnt want, she has sought help from professionals and hopefully it will get better. 

I hope things will get better, i really do for both their sakes, but as she sat on my sofa last night crying, wishing that she had had the abortion that she really wanted, i cant help but agree with her, i dont say that to her, she doesnt need that.