Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Thoughts on influences

Since the blow up with my friend its been on my mind a lot, i have calmed down but not enough to try to mend the broken fence, its made me question a lot.

I think perhaps being in this lifestyle makes one more tolerant of others lifestyles and relationships, im open minded and there isnt a lot that fazes me now and i dont mean that in a know it all way because i certainly dont...know it all that is but through the bossman i have had my eyes well and truely opened to a myraid of different experiences that he has talked to me about in his past..no he doesnt know it all either but he does have a lot of experiences (coz he is an oldie lol)

Im trying to play devils advocate and be understanding about the negative judgement of people for example the issue of not wanting a gay man around children.   I think when we are children and easily influenced by people parents, teachers etc we trust around us this has a huge impact and contributes to how we may think and behave as adults.

My mum for example was brought up in a time when sex wasnt discussed beyond explaining how babies are made and her mother raised her to view sex as being for that purpose only, in turn when raising me and my brother sex wasnt discussed in our house, not even to explain how babies are made i was left to learn about that from friends and school.

Subsequently i was very naive about sex and in a way scared of it because i didnt see it as something that could or should be enjoyable, so i was a late start sexually and still even now have hangups about sex, nothing major but im not confident sexually, i have a complex about not being very experienced with sex and then shame that i do enjoy the sexual acts that i engage in with Master but i shouldnt.

I am better though, i used to cringe when Master would call me his slut, i would get defensive, im not a slut i viewed that as being tainted because no one wants a slut, now it doesnt bother me it all and i dont see it negatively, im his slut and proud of it...but yet just saying that still makes me a little uncomfortable..so there is still that element of shame there albeit very small so perhaps even as i type this i realise that it does bother me just in a very teeny weeny way. 

I even struggle with saying words like cunt, pussy, (coz there dirty words) when talking to Master i will refer to it as "down there"

I dont know whether i can blame why i am like i am on my mother, there are other reasons but yes i think it was a huge influence on why i have had these issues and it can take a lot to undo what has been ingrained into us from a young age.

Im going to come back to this...


  1. It's surprising that you view yourself as sexually inexperienced. I've always thought of you as just the opposite:)! I don't mean that in a negative way, either.


  2. lol kitty

    Was is the key word lol, my hang up comes because i lacked sexual experience (had had sex before yes) before getting involved with Master and this gave me down moments of thinking im not good at it and i can get self concious because i lack confidence.

    Im better now but yes i still have moments of huge insecurities regarding sex.

    tori x