Falling flat out of the sun

The sun is shining it is indeed a beautiful hot day i should be sitting on the beach with my new book, so why am i stuck indoors waiting for a delivery thats not even an exciting delivery...a new part for the washing machine..see boring!  delivery stated between 10am and 3pm its 3.20 and not arrived i feel cheated and aggrieved..ok a bit ott but nevertheless dont state times unless you can stick to them if you cant phone me isnt that why you asked for my number? yes exactly i rest my case.

So im going to continue walking around the house in my new shoes to break them in that i have bought for an upcoming wedding, i should never have bought high stilleto heels i walk like im constipated graceful i just cant carry off...perhaps i should stick with flats and avoid risking the embarrassment off falling flat on my face..its a high possibility.

Basic white sauce

White sauce is the basis for many other sauces, cheese, curry, onion and many others it just takes adding the necessary ingredients to get the desired sauce, you can adapt it, add less or more flavourings as is desired but the white sauce is the constant..its the starting point..its the basic.

Sometimes i need to go back to basics in my relationship, the exchange of power is the 'white sauce' everything else is added ingredients, i know im guilty of making things more complicated than they need to be, i overthink and i dont think that will change perhaps it will just lessen over time.  The basics is i am submissive, i enjoy and need to be dominated, to have that comfort and security of being owned, its these feelings that led me to where i am now everything else are additions to our dynamic but they are not the core of it.

I have a tendency to look for s/m to ground me and i will ask for it to refocus me but i dont think thats the answer, sure mostly a good beating has the effect of 'instant submission' it provokes those intense feelings but its not a solution to when im feeling that i need some sort of reaffirmation of who i am and/or what my place is because thats always there its just sometimes like the white sauce can get lumpy, i can get overwhelmed or simply over complicated.

The build up

Im undecided whats better or worse not knowing what he has planned in an s/m session or knowing but i do know i love the build up, the anticipation of whats coming..whats he going to do and use? will it be long or short, harsh, mild? the build up starts from the moment he decides when we are going to have a session...i can get weeks notice or much less...it varies.  When it doesnt involve the dungeon it can be instant..a quick unexpected smack accross the face or just an out of the blue command to strip, i love both of these for different reasons.

I know if its the room of doom its pretty much a guarrantee (but not always there are sometimes rare exceptions) thats its going to be harsh and a more intense session and that gives me more of a build up, whereas when its instant there is no build up, i have no time to dwell on what may happen..its happening.

The first thing i will ask is whats he going to do, sometimes he will tell me more often than not he wont, generally speaking he doesnt plan exactly what he is going to do which i find highly amusing considering his anal ways.  The closer the time gets im all over the place, nervous, excited, scared, aroused, anxious and this is how he likes me it took me a long time to realise that, he also tends to not allow me sexual relief for a period of time before so that just adds to the whole build up.

Then its time and one of my favourite moments is standing naked in the room of doom and im quiet always quiet not because i have been told to be but because im in a certain mindset that has accumelated from all the emotions i have built up waiting for this moment.  I love that moment of holding out my wrists for him to attach the leather cuffs which takes no time at all but is such an intense trigger point for me, i like watching him being so focused on his intent before he leads me to where he wants me and the build up is over.

Sometimes i love the build up and the after effects more than the event itself.

just more ramblings that dont make sense

So im still juggling with these ramblings in my head and i tend to go off the path that i started on, but im still trying to make some sense of understanding why we form these judgements as adults.  After reading through my previous post and my feelings towards sex and how my attitude with sex probably has been influenced by my upbringing but not exclusively im still no further ahead but nevertheless it got those thoughts out my head and written down.

When i blog i sometimes write like im talking to someone similar i guess to a child having an imaginary friend its the easiest way i find to write whats on my mind but i have noticed that when i do this and i get carried away i let out more than i had intended....not sure how i feel about that!  im not one for letting people in but another realisation im getting better and finding it easier....its been pointed out that i use humour a lot to mask what im really thinking/feeling and yes i do.

I spoke to the friend yesterday it was awkward, she felt awful and well i have calmed down, its a start but you know when the cats out the bag its not going back in....just have to deal with it as best as can..its changed things..for me more than her i suspect because that one comment made changes how i think she would percieve me, judge me if she knew.

But the bigger picture is i cant blame her for her reaction, im pretty sure many, many people would react in the same way to me if they knew all, i know there is nothing wrong with who i am and what i do....technology may be advancing and improving fast all the time, people not so much we are improving but at a slow pace.

Thoughts on influences

Since the blow up with my friend its been on my mind a lot, i have calmed down but not enough to try to mend the broken fence, its made me question a lot.

I think perhaps being in this lifestyle makes one more tolerant of others lifestyles and relationships, im open minded and there isnt a lot that fazes me now and i dont mean that in a know it all way because i certainly dont...know it all that is but through the bossman i have had my eyes well and truely opened to a myraid of different experiences that he has talked to me about in his past..no he doesnt know it all either but he does have a lot of experiences (coz he is an oldie lol)

Im trying to play devils advocate and be understanding about the negative judgement of people for example the issue of not wanting a gay man around children.   I think when we are children and easily influenced by people parents, teachers etc we trust around us this has a huge impact and contributes to how we may think and behave as adults.

My mum for example was brought up in a time when sex wasnt discussed beyond explaining how babies are made and her mother raised her to view sex as being for that purpose only, in turn when raising me and my brother sex wasnt discussed in our house, not even to explain how babies are made i was left to learn about that from friends and school.

Subsequently i was very naive about sex and in a way scared of it because i didnt see it as something that could or should be enjoyable, so i was a late start sexually and still even now have hangups about sex, nothing major but im not confident sexually, i have a complex about not being very experienced with sex and then shame that i do enjoy the sexual acts that i engage in with Master but i shouldnt.

I am better though, i used to cringe when Master would call me his slut, i would get defensive, im not a slut i viewed that as being tainted because no one wants a slut, now it doesnt bother me it all and i dont see it negatively, im his slut and proud of it...but yet just saying that still makes me a little uncomfortable..so there is still that element of shame there albeit very small so perhaps even as i type this i realise that it does bother me just in a very teeny weeny way. 

I even struggle with saying words like cunt, pussy, (coz there dirty words) when talking to Master i will refer to it as "down there"

I dont know whether i can blame why i am like i am on my mother, there are other reasons but yes i think it was a huge influence on why i have had these issues and it can take a lot to undo what has been ingrained into us from a young age.


Im going to come back to this...

Ignorance

In the uk gay people can now legally marry in a civil service so i guess you could say thats a huge leap in social acceptance, of course there will always be those that are against this but its happened and its progress but for some people its more than being just against gay people getting married its just the fact that there gay and there perceptions are just based on ignorance.

I have a friend whom i have known for many years since we were children and we have children of the same age, during school holidays i look after her children 2 days a week as im home (an advantage of working in a school is it fits perfect with having the holidays off) and in return she has my daughter one day each week during school term when i work late doing after school clubs so its an arrangement that suits us both.

I went to see her on Thursday to let her know that i would not be able to have her children on the upcoming half term as i was going on a course for the school, my children are being looked after my cousin during the day and he kindly offerred to look after hers as well as they all know each other, her initial reaction was a look of horror albeit very fleetingly and she garbled that its ok she would make other arrangements, muttering its unfair to expect him to have hers as well....too late!

I noticed her immediate reaction and me being me asked if there was a problem with him looking after her children her reply was "well he's gay" i should have left well alone at this point but well i couldnt, i wanted to know what she was implying, yes he is gay and has been for many many years pretty much knew he was from a young age and has until recently been in a long term relationship.

He has looked after both of my children on numerous occassions, he has had them both overnight when sometimes i have gone away with Master, i trust him completley the fact he is gay just hasnt been an issue and my children know he is and because they have grown up having him as part of their lives its not an issue for them either, heck even my 15yr old son who is at that horrid judgemental age will go to him for help with school projects especially if its science..so there both comfortable with him.

So i was wound up at her response and even more so when i pushed the matter and she went on to say she didnt think it appropriate for a gay man to be with children especially boys, it took a lot of willpower not to tell her about my dynamic with the bossman and what we do and does that make me not suitable to be with children?  i didnt of course but i was so enraged i had to leave before things were said that couldnt be taken back.

Things are left like that, she hasnt contacted me and i sure as hell am not contacting her, i feel saddenned that someone whom i consider a close friend could have such an ignorant attitute and one i havent picked up on before, i dont know at this time if we can put this behind us, for me i have taken it personally...perhaps i should have just left it but whats done is done.  Its also made me realise that no matter how far we think society has progressed there is still a lot of ignorance out there and more than likely there always will be.

Emotional deatchment within sadism

Still feeling shit, all bunged up and breathing like Darth Vadar, and to top it all off my daughter had a minor accident on a climbing frame which was a rush to casualty job, thankfully no broken bones but very sore and in pain so we are both home and spent yesterday curled up on the sofa watching childrens tv.....im loving Spongebob.

When i was ready to seek out a new relationship after my first D/s experience ended i had a pretty good idea of what i wanted and experience was a must have for the reason being that as i was relatively inexperienced i wanted someone that wasnt, what i wanted was someone that was confident and competent in their abilities not just regarding s/m but with D/s relationships.....i wanted someone i could learn from....and on a personal level i do prefer the older man so yes i guess you could say i was very specific in what i wanted....gosh and i call him anal!

Master on the otherhand, his preference was for the older women (older than what i was at the time), with experience both with s/m and the workings of an M/s dynamic, he was not seeking a relationship with emotional ties...he wasnt seeking a relationship full stop other than strictly Master/slave dynamic....he likes/demands obedience..and he got me hahaha..

In the beginning he was emotionaly detached and distant, i half expected that as he made it clear he was not looking for a relationship and i was ok with that initially, he was providing me with the experiences i fantasised and craved about.  As time went on it changed, i cant pinpoint when or how it changed but it did and well here we are still going and i dont think either of us expected that which i know seems such a pessimistic thing to say.

I think i have a better understanding now of his emotional detachment most especially in regards to s/m, he still sometimes when we play hard becomes detached, like he cant allow emotions to get in the way of his intentions, i have noticed that when his intentions is to hurt me a lot, more than what im comfortable with he gets this way and afterwards he can be cold as well.

I have wandered if this is for him a way of dealing with his need to inflict pain, i actually have never outright asked him i should do really, i handle it better now than i used to, it used to cause me conflict that he could be so cold when i needed him the most after a hard session when i needed comfort.  He is great with dealing with the physical aspects of aftercare but not so much the emotional side not straightaway anyway.

Its usually much later that we talk about what happened, how i feel etc and i have become accustomed to that, i know perhaps to some it may appear cruel how he is at times but its the way he is, we both are not what i would call openly emotional people him definitly not.

Oh yes now i remember

Its turned out for the best that Friday night wasnt able to happen as i woke up that morning full of cold and to be blunt feeling shit, so definitley in no fit state for any play.  I have found that ever since i had the flu a few years back which developed into pnemonia when i get a cold it tends to go straight to my chest and invariably i get a chest infection.....so im being good and resting, drinking lots of water etc etc to try and keep it from getting worse.

So i have been taking things easy and catching up with friends, reading and replying to emails which im terribly slack at and an im (instant messenger) popped up saying hello, how are you?, initially i didnt recognise the nic used but i knew it must be someone i know on some level as i dont give out my im details to just anyone and i need Masters permission to do so in the first place....if its someone other than family and close friends.

Being curious and embarrassed i had to ask them who they were and it was a man who we had met with a few years before with his wife but had lost contact, so we chatted for a while catching up, he is  primarily a submissive male but was curious about dominating but not his wife, his wife was i would say the dominant but yet it wasnt something she felt comfortable being referred as, they were back when we first met still exploring D/s and were more kink orientated than any form of dynamic being present.

I recall feeling like we was a novelty act not in a horrible way but although they were competent in the area of kink they enjoyed they had never interacted with anyone in an M/s relationship and they found us fascinating, when we arranged to meet up for the purpose of play (she wanted to learn how to use a cane, cue me the guinea pig!) the look on their faces when we turned up complete with me in collar and lead and then promptly kneeling at his feet when he sat down was priceless!....i dont generally go around with a collar and lead but when we was meeting people its what put me at ease, they were i guess my security blanket, they made me feel safe and i always kneel at his feet when its appropriate to do so.  He said they was expecting us to turn up in full on leather gear!!! lol the only time Master wears leathers is when he is going on his bike, apparently we looked 'normal' apart from the collar and lead.

So it was nice chatting to him having a catch up talking about the good times we all got up to, he did tell me that he still had a desire to dominate (but still bottom to his wife) but his wife wasnt too keen on him having his own sub and she herself didnt want him dominating her, i didnt know what to say to that it must i imagine be very difficult to be in that situation which is basically what i said to him.  We talked about experience, he wants to gain experience in dominating but is unable to, it led to an interesting conversation on experience which is actually what i was going to post about but it just didnt flow that way when i started writing so another time as it did make me ponder a few things.

Well there are scary similarities

Apart from number 5 and 10 these could well be Masterisms...number 9 being a bit dubious because like hell does it hurt him more than me but still it fits in a my logic sort of way.

ooooh yeah its not just me that messes up

Gutted...apparently i was meant to be having a date with the outside whipping post and i dread to think what else tomorrow night but a fuck up on his part....oooh yes him not me can i just repeat that... he who is so precise, organised and anal messed up...not that im taking enjoyment from his mistake you understand....but yeah the big bad dom got it wrong..ok i shall stop with the smugness now.

He had it all organised, i have been kept on the edge for longer than i want to dwell on, getting me all wound up ready for a nice long hard session which he tends to do when its going to be intense and.......he is on a week long course which starts tomorrow not the Friday after which is what i was told..so yea im guessing im going to have to wait that little bit longer....come to think of it why am i being smug its just longer to keep me hanging on..dammit.

Begging

Is it just me that struggles with begging? is there a right or wrong way to do it? if i attempt it i sound and feel like a petulant child which im pretty sure isnt the desired result, it comes accross as whinging it makes me feel insecure and very self concious...in short i feel pathetic.

I suppose it depends on the context the begging is done in, i think its a lot harder to beg for something i really really want rather than begging for something to stop, when its begging for something to stop its raw, genuine begging demonstrating i have been pushed to beyond my limit the desperation is very real.

I am allowed to ask for whatever i would like (within reason) and if its a no then its a no, begging is not an option but if its a "perhaps" or similar then there is more leeway and the option of begging is available.  So then it depends on how much i want what i have asked for and yea my mood plays a significant part, if its something trivial i can shrug it off but sometimes i really really want what i have requested.

Being on my knees in front of him, head lowered to his feet is always a good start, i dont have a problem with that it demonstrates the imbalance of our relationship that i am deferring to him, a position of humility on this occassion acknowledging that he has the control over whether to grant or deny my request.

It starts off reasonably well "please Sir may i ......"  "if it pleases you Sir" etc etc but its trying to keep the frustration at bay and to not let my tone of voice in any way get stroppy, to get past the humiliation and yes as much as i love most forms of humiliation i do find begging humiliating in a way that im not entirely comfortable with which makes it all the more difficult which in turn pleases him all the more witnessing my discomfort.

Begging isnt about negotiating with him or topping from the bottom, it is a verbal and physical way of highlighting the power exchange and it can be over something so very simple, something that we take for granted in everyday life which he can choose to give or take away at his will.

But still im rubbish at it.

Just being

Those moments of just being are moments i cherish, forget the s/m, the sex, forget all the various hurdles that have to be overcome as much as they are in our relationship and have their own importance they matter little when i can just be.

Just being is having those moments of clarity where im happy, content in my place, its moments when it all makes sense, when i dont allow myself to over complicate matters, just being is welcoming and embracing the safety,security and loving that his control and dominance provides me with.....i just wish i could 'just be' more often..why fight against what makes us both happy!

A game of snakes and ladders

I have come to a conclusion (i reserve the right to change my mind at any given time) that i beat myself up more than he does, i have wandered if im hard work i know i can be, i seem to go through phases of pushing him..is that normal?   i stress myself out that im not as submissive as i should be, sure its normal to push but really its been like 5 years shouldnt i know better by now?  its not like we are in the early days of testing boundries..i feel like its a game of snakes and ladders i get closer to the end goal sometimes i excel myself and up the ladder i go and then just when its all going well i slip down the snake and before i know it back to square one.

Thankfully its the weekend yay after an unsettling week it cant come quick enough, no plans for the weekend which is unusual but nice, Master has agreed to a request i made and yea well i think well actually im not thinking....im taking the thinking cap off im just going to let what will be be.

For the best..old and new challenges

The weekend couldnt come quick enough its been an emotional week at work, the little autistic chap i work with has had his final assessment and its concluded that he will be unable to go any further through mainstream school.  I sat and wrote my opinions on Monday evening after putting it off for as long as possible, and i know he would be better off in an environement that is more suited to his needs and that we (the school) are unable to meet those needs any further so yes its all for the best..i know that.

His mum is so upset and thats hit me the hardest, she is desperate for him to fit in, she wanted him to continue where he is, she came to me last week looking for my support, to back her up and i couldnt give her that, i have become attached to the little chap and its upset me but i couldnt let my emotions cloud whats best for him, and i feel so very sorry for his mum that she thinks everyone is against her...like every mum she wants the best for her child, im hoping she will realise that this is all being done (placing him with a suitable special school) because we want the best for him to.

I love my job very much and i know realistically im not a failure, but yea a part of me feels what could i have done better, could i have done more but i cant dwell on that im going to make the most of spending the next 2 months with him before we break up for summer and he moves on.  More forms and assesments to do, try as best as possible to help him adjust to moving to a new school, we are going to visit it next week to start the process of helping him to adjust easier.

In the meantime im working with another child that has really bad behavioural problems, after spending 10 minutes in the company of the parents i can fully understand why he is having behavioural problems, but its not my place to judge...but we all do i think to one degree or another.  Im inclined to think its the parents that need working on their behaviour not the child but never mind its a new challenge and i will do my best.

Just a tantrum..to get off my chest

I know you dont like my hair short, yes i knew it would not go down well, your not pleased..well nothing new there then!  have i been deliberatley pushing your buttons? yes i have and your so bloody calm about it well of course you would be nothing ruffles your feathers does it!  Have you any idea how infuriating that is? normal people would have lost their rag by now, but you know how to push my buttons dont you....one word responses and your silence is enough....i feel guilty, im ashamed of how i have behaved of late because i have wanted your attention....ok more specifically i wanted the sadist to come out to play.

Now i know that soon im going to get your attention and im going to wish i didnt....but your waiting me out, watching me dig my own grave, you will give me what i want when it suits you and it will be more than i want and yes what i deserve...i will be sorry, i am sorry, very sorry but you wont hear it because its too late.  Why havent i learnt not to attempt to play these games with you, it never ends well not for me anyway, its always so much better when im good, you like good, good means i get a more pleasureable painful session rather that biting off more than i can chew.

Hair be gone

I have had my hair cut drastically, i did have really long hair falling down to lower back, bossman likes my hair long, he likes to pull it...now i have short hair...really short hair (un-pullable short hair)...i hate it, i dont even want to dwell on his reaction (not positive)....was i feeling a little bit rebellious? yes i was... do i feel good about myself at this moment? nope and not just about the hair cut.

To tweet or twittter woooooo

My mate is attempting to drag me into the modern way of communicating, i got facebook i dont use it if it wasnt the for the fact that i get to know what my teenage son is up to i would delete the account, everytime i do log on im getting requests to help with farming or other randomness!!!wtf am i missing something? ok i admit i did get kind of addicted to this stupid bubble popping game so stupid and simple but so addictive...i had to wean myself off it...yes i know sad.

Now the mate is insisting that i get twitter which i have never looked at, apparently its the new way to keep in touch (are phones out of date now?) on probing mate further as to what the point is she couldnt give me a reasonable answer.  What am i supposed to twitter about..seriously my life isnt that exciting, get up,  make breakfast, go work, come home, housework, cook dinner, catch up with everybodys day and go bed.....alright ok throw a bit of sex and kink in but its not like thats a constant part of my everyday life..well maybe in some form or another its present....but mostly its yep same shit, different day.

Finally get to why its crucial i get twitter, the mate would like twitter but she doesnt want to be on her own! she needs a follower and this is where i come in apparentley i need to be her first follower, im still not entirely convinced, firstly you can only type about one sentence...really this is me we are talking about i need like 3 paragraphs to get my point accross! the fact that what im trying to say could be summed up in one sentence is entirely irrelevant.

On the upside she assures me there is no games or farming ville to irritate me, but still what exactly am i meant to twitter or is it tweet, ok i get that its a form of communicating much like this blog in a way although here its rambled thoughts and i can write as much or as little as i like, if i was twittering right now what i would i put..oh yes "still no bloody orgasms" the bossman is being very stubborn and infuriating with his analness which is irritating the life out of me right now....and in other news i have toothache i am putting off going to the dentists for as long as possible well until im forced to go.

So anyway the mate is coming around this afternoon for round 2 in convincing me i need to twitter, i shall get the wine out...i think im going to need it.