Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Entitlement

Thankfully it doesnt happen very often, and i cant pinpoint what triggers it, but i have moments of...and i hate to say it but its accurate..temper tantrums..i simply want my own way.

I had an indulgent childhood, i was spoiled, i think the fact that i was the only girl for a long time in a male dominated family contributed to it, i am a stereotypical daddys little princess, i do still call him daddy and he still indulges me.

However in my defence i wasnt a horrid spoilt brat if that makes sense, but i learnt from a young age (as children do) how to manipulate, to 'work' the grown ups to get what i wanted, and well i liked having my own way and more often than not i got it.

But of course one grows up, have children of my own and well mature, but on occassions i do get fixated on feeling like an injustice is being done because he wont let me have something, or do something i want to do..and that mentality of wanting my own way takes over.

I get a sense of entitlement, that he should give into me because....

: 95% of the time (nobodys perfect right?) im good, im obedient and generally do as im told without question

: i serve him in all that he has asked of me and will continue to ask of me, even when im uncomfortable with the idea or simply plain hate it

: he should be damn grateful, because he is strict, he is demanding, and his control over me is absolute...and dammit i love this about him i do..but yeah he should be lucky that i adapted to this very quickly!

When im in this 'mode' those are all i think about, im caught up in wanting what he has denied, and it could be something so trivial that on another occassion being denied the same thing wouldnt bother me at all....and it is rare that i will get this 'drama queenish' over being told "no".

And im thinking "how dare he, what about what i want for a change, its not like i ask for much!" ..i cant be reasoned with in these moments.

Its not a 'tit for tat' relationship as in.."ok i have sucked your cock on demand this week so i want xyz"

But then i calm, and im left feeling ashamed, guilty, sorry.

Because im not entitled to anything based on it being just because...im behaving as he expects and wants me to behave....and i have it good, i know i do, even with his strictness, life is good.








20 comments:

  1. tori,

    Thank you very much for this insight into your headspace as a slave in a M/s relationship.

    When I suffer for someone's pleasure, I feel sometimes that I am owed something. But, this is not how the true sadist thinks.

    Hug,
    joey

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    Replies
    1. hi joey

      lol sometimes im not sure where my head is at!

      Yes i would concur that most sadists want to see genuine sufferring.

      x

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  2. Hi Tori :)

    Wow this is like reading my own mind lol I had a similar up bringing and always got what I wanted. Now within the dynamic we live, he has full control and sometimes I find myself fighting it, just because I want my own way. It's a difficult thing to get your head round at times. But when I do let go of that control, I feel more liberated and free than I have ever felt :)

    Hugs x

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    Replies
    1. hi Lola

      It frustrates me because i cant pinpoint what exactly provokes it especially when its something so trivial, i cant even blame pmt always lol!

      x

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  3. I get that way too, and often I can't even reason myself out of it. Maybe with more practice...

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    Replies
    1. yep practice makes perfect....the problem with that saying though is perfection doesnt exist so he shall have to put up with my flaws lol

      x

      Delete
  4. Thank you for sharing Tori. It may even be that life is good because of his strictness?

    I'm not at all proud to say that I do the same periodically and then typically feel guilty for my behavior after the fact.

    (((((Hugs)))))
    Fiona

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    Replies
    1. hi Fiona

      Yes i hadnt thought of it like that, from the angle that his strictness contributes to making life good....but yes, i do thrive from the benefit of knowing there are firm boundries in place and he will adhere to them and not give into me.

      x

      Delete
  5. Hi tori, I know what you mean about not getting your way - I get that way too. I wrote something similar on my blog last night. Sometimes I feel like your in my head with the things that you write. You have a way of explaining things so much better than I can. I learn so much from reading your blog. :) saturn.

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    1. thank saturn

      I just found your blog, i think you write very well.

      Its an adjustment, thankfully it doesnt happen often but when it does i tend to go off on one big time lol

      x

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  6. Replies
    1. thanks yearning..although sometimes facing the truth hurts!

      x

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  7. It seems we all go through these phases from time to time. Fortunately the lapse between occurrences seem to get further in between the longer we travel down this path.....or maybe one is just learning not to express it so much; mostly because the guilt one feels after an outburst is not fun.

    One must admit when reading your reasoning there was a small part of her that was nodding her head and thinking "you go girl"...... but don't tell anyone.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. lmao absolutely when im in that mood im not going to be stopped...not that im proud of that at all.....but then got to keep him on his toes lol

      x

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  8. I think we all have our moments of feeling entitled.
    Imho, realizing and admitting it is one of the things that makes you that good slave 95% of the time--if we don't acknowledge our faults, we can't improve.

    Signed,
    one battling major entitlement issues

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes i think its normal, it just bugs me that i can explain exactly what sets me off when it could be something really silly..i guess it comes down to mood/emotions at that time.

      keep battling...i have been for years lol

      x

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  9. Thank you for being honest. It's not always easy to show people the not so best parts of ourselves. We all struggle from time to time.

    hugs
    bg (P Surren)

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    1. thanks bg

      Yep we all do struggle, but admitting it and being prepared to work at it is what makes the difference.

      x

      Delete
  10. And I have quite the opposite dilema. My sir isn't that strict and I so wish he was. I think he could be he has it in him. Maybe I'm time.

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    1. Its finding that balance i think kiwi, i think one can be too strict or not enough...im comforted by his strictness because it makes me feel safe but sometimes i just want to scream lol

      x

      Delete