Friday 7 June 2013

One day....

I have been thinking about sex a fair bit, more precisely brooding on my perceptions of it, brought about by reading some posts over the last few weeks.

Im concious that i didnt have a healthy view of sex, although its vastly improved to what it was, but still i have quirks that niggle me from time to time, a lot of the negative connotations i had with sex stem from my teens, and from the ex who as our relationship soured would taunt me with my lack of enthusiasm and skill in the bedroom.

By the time our relationship fully broke down and ended, my self esteem and confidence was rock bottom in regards to self image and sex, it was in a brief relationship with a dominant before i met Master and began exploring D/s and mild bdsm that i started feeling comfortable with sex, it was a revelation that it turned me on, that my body responded naturally when before it just didnt...this relationship ended for a few reasons...mostly we just wasnt compatible but it opened my eyes to what i wanted.

When i met Master and as our relationship started, his authority over me was established first, before sex, before any bdsm, we talked a lot, he got into my head long before he got into my knickers.  I was anxious about sex, i felt intimidated by him, although that was not his intention, he was/is just so confident, older, more experienced, and i felt inadequate, that i wasnt going to be good enough at sex for him.

Bdsm played a huge part in our relationship, along with humiliation and degredation, he quickly picked up that my inhibitions with sex were loosened the more humiliating and degrading treatment he dished out, for me it was a way of 'escaping' being stripped of self worth and dignity enabled me to fully let go and s/m gave me greater sexual satisfaction than actually having sex did.  I love it when im completely debased.

The problem, or perhaps problem isnt the apt word, was that having sex without it involving bondage or humiliating treatment i found difficult, i have never in the 6 years we have been together used the term 'making love' i like to be fucked, to be used, the more brutal it is the better.

I often analyse is this healthy.  Im better than what i was, im comfortable inititating sex now when less than 2 years ago i wouldnt, i dont have a high sex drive but i never refuse him, but that does not mean im not willing either.....i actually get off on the forced element of it so that in itself turns me on.

But the biggest thing for me is i can say i enjoy sex now, albeit yes i prefer a good beating, i am happy to just have sex without the element of bdsm and thats better for us both, im understanding and enjoying the intimacy of having just sex.

Master is the only man i have never had to use lubricant with, i still get amazed how easily i get turned on, how quickly i respond to him in non-sexual situations, im easily aroused and im embracing that even though sometimes i have this niggle in my head that i shouldnt get so turned on by the things we do, he has never made me feel ashamed, he embraces and encourages it.

So ok i might brood about it not being healthy or normal but im sexually confident, more than i have ever been and thats progress to me.

One day maybe i will be able to ask him to make love to me.















22 comments:

  1. It seems perfectly healthy for you. You know what turns you on and you are both enjoying it way more that the plain old vanilla version of the same act. I don't see anything wrong or unhealthy about that.

    We do sometimes "make love", but sad to say I just don't get off on it as much as when he's fucking me hard and hurting/slapping/pinching/beating me. It is a very telling thing that I went 20 years and never once squirted, then we started incorporating BDSM in the bedroom and all of a sudden I was flooding everything. My only regret is that we didn't discover it sooner.

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    1. The rational part of me knows its ok and healthy because i do enjoy it, there are just these niggles that i cant seem to put my finger on and deal with.

      I couldnt go back to vanilla now in any aspect, this lifestyle, my Master completes me.

      x

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  2. We grow, we change and I've often had this debate in my own head - what is making love and how is different to fucking? I'm married and our relationship is based on love and no other dynamic. Yet I pined to be fucked hard some days. Which makes me think what is making love - is it the words we say as we do it, cos to be honest we're pretty coarse. Is it the foreplay - he can be quite harsh, I don't mean spanking either. Is it romance - well we don't do candlelit dinners and lovey dovey eyes at each other. So perhaps I'm fucked every time - but no to me, it is making love too. So I've always believed it's both things for us, because if you're coming out of it feeling good, then that's what a healthy relationship is about - isn't it?
    Your approach to sex is honest, which is also important.
    hugs
    DF

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    1. Yeah after reading these comments i have been reflecting on the whole making love debate..i suppose what we do is our version of making love.

      Neither of us are romantic, but i guess its the same principle in that romance is relative to what it means to the indivdual.

      thanks

      x

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  3. No matter how big or small, no matter which direction it takes, progress is good. You've come a long way and that's something to be proud of.
    You know what you want and crave sexually and your master knows how to deliver. The words you use to describe what you do (fucking vs. making love) are just that, words. Do they really matter? You both are getting what you need. Being "normal" is relative. I don't think anyone can really define normal. It's different for everyone. So be your 'normal'. :)

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    1. Thanks sarah, i am after having read through these comments approaching my perceptions on making love in a different light.

      I think your right, really they dont matter, its how it makes me feel thats important and its good for both of us.

      x

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  4. tori,

    Before I met my wife, I had a relationship with someone. We fucked often and we added some kink as well. I cannot say it was making love, it was just fucking for the pleasure of it all.

    Now, I make love. Sex is about connecting ourselves in a special way. I have added little bits of kink such as nipple twisting and LD loved it.

    But, I also love BDSM especially the cane. My erotic dreams all involve rough BDSM play.

    I think it is damn horrid that your ex made you feel so inadequate.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. That is what i struggles with joey...associating sex with connnecting in a special way, that intimacy...i just have (used to) couldnt get that..i needed the roughness for that.

      The ex was unhappy, that doesnt excuse what he said, it hurt but he was hurting too and that i think was his way of hurting me..we hurt each other.

      x

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  5. The fucking and the rough and the pain and the making love are all inextricably mixed for us. Sounds like what you have is love - and that it works awfully well for you (both). Why change course?

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    1. hi gg

      Dwelling on these comment have made me rethink my thoughts, i have been so hung up on thinking that i need to meet this 'normal' idea of making love when what we do is making love and yes it works well....and yeah i think im realising that why change what works.

      thanks

      x

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  6. Recovering from your previous experiences is a rough, long road, I think. It is deplorable that your ex was so emotionally abusive - to tear you down. That you found the courage to heal and find your Master and find what works for you is a testament to your strength and sanity. You do no harm, you are finding and giving pleasure - what could be more right?!?

    Hugs,
    Fiona

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    1. thanks Fiona

      Its been a long journey, emotionally draining to get to this point where i am more sexually confident, although i still have niggles as is evidented with this post.

      Yes what we do works for us....its taken reading these comments and dwelling on them to see that!

      x

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  7. I personally can't stand the term "making love". I use birth control, so goal is not to "make" anything, except maybe a mess. Master and I have sex. Sometimes it's cute sex, or romantic sex, or emotional sex, or a multitude of other types, but it's sex all the same. And sometimes our most loving sex is very violent, but the loving emotional rush between us is so solid, that it couldn't be mistaken in that moment.

    If your Master is putting enough care in to make you comfortable with what you're doing, look at the love down at the base of it all. From the outside it might not look like it's there, but I bet for the two of you, it is overflowing with affection.

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    1. I hadnt thought of making love and putting into context of making anything...thats given me food for thought!

      I think part of me wants to know im ok with 'normal' and then realising that normal is whatever works for us.

      Yes there is a lot of affection, perhaps just demonstrated in our own way.

      thanks

      x

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  8. You know, tori, as long as you are both happy and as long as you feel like you're slowly shedding the demons that once haunted you, it IS healthy. People grow and change over time. It's hard not to compare a current state to other people's relationships. And its even harder not to compare them to your own previous ones or even the state of your current relationship just a few months ago. It's really about who YOU are today, what makes you happy and feel good. We have a tendency to be waaaay to hard on ourselves!

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    1. thanks chickadee

      You are right we do that dont we, perhaps its a submissive trait along with over analysing everything when really its just very simple lol

      x

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  9. "Making love" to me is the sex in the movies. It's the slow, passionate, sensual kind. It's not for us. We've tried many times in our relationship, even before ttwd, and we couldn't do it. We fuck. I know some people don't like that term either, but it works for us. It's our version of making love. I love Daddy with all that I have and he loves me the same way. Every time we are intimate, whether it's sex or whether it's discipline, we express love. Sounds like you have that with your Master, but if making love (whatever that looks like for you) is something you want to experience then I hope you find the courage to ask.

    hugs
    bg

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    1. Thanks bg

      Reading the comments and thinking through them im realising that what we do is making love, ok not perhaps the normal or convential way that people would link to making love but for us it works....and i need to be ok with that.

      x

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  10. Just dropping by and wondering again if you have been poking around in my brain again!

    Perhaps fucking and making love are experiences that are ultimately defined by how we feel during and after the act, more than what we think the words should mean?
    I'm not making sense...Going back under my rock lol.

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    1. hi lil

      lol its just nice to know im not alone with these rambles

      It makes sense, its after reading these comments that im thinking that what me and the bossman do is making love...just our version of it and thats ok.

      x

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  11. Tori:

    There were times, when I have felt as you have shared brilliantly here; that sex with BDSM elements is easier, somehow. But then I would go completely the other way and think, "this isn't how making love is supposed to be" Then I realized, no matter what we do--if its humiliation play, sex after a good beating...or whatever, there is always love between us--ergo--however we go about this sex thing, is our version of 'making love'.

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    1. hi Bleuame

      This is an issue that has plagued me on and off for a long time, im still trying to get my head around it, but yes i think the best i can come up with is that this is our version of making love.

      x

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