Yay back to work today and it was great to get back into the swing of things, to see the children who really touched me when they pulled out this huge card they had made for me to welcome me back, even if one of them wrote "I hate you for being poorly" i think thats his way to tell me he missed me, well i hope so! its been harder for him because im one on one with him and he is autistic so me being away he had to adapt to change which i know must have caused him distress....but it was a display of emotion and for him thats good...even if it was to say he hates me!
Im definitely ready to be back, i hadnt been adapting well to being diagnosed diabetic, it was and is getting my head around that im stuck with this, its not going to get better, i was falling back into old ways, my ocd with cleaning was getting back into old habits, but i was able to recognise this myself which is a good thing, and i knew i needed to get it sorted....i couldnt put my kids through again what i used to be like.
The bossman reminded me that im a strong intelligent woman and i can deal with this, and initially when he said this i didnt want to agree, i didnt feel strong, and to be honest with myself i didnt want to be, i went through a couple of days a few weeks ago where i rebelled against taking my injections and tablets...i know stupid!
I just had had enough, getting up in the morning, test blood, take tablet and inject, repeat at lunchtime, dinnertime and before bed.....i wanted it to go away...so yeah strong and intelligent? nope i sure as hell wasnt feeling that...and really doing something so stupid as stopping taking medication thats keeping me healthy (and alive) isnt the actions of a strong intelligent woman is it!
So yeah it was time to face up to the fact that i was slipping into depressive territory, i was putting on the 'outside' face for everyone but it was just a facade, and i felt pathetic, there are worse illnesses out there, im lucky mine is treatable as long as i do as im told.
And dammit im not going to let the bossman down or my children, , i can do this, so im back on track, im exercising (hate it), im cooking new healthier foods (kids hate this) and im going back to college in September......because i want the strong intelligent woman back that we know i am, ....i just feel like i seemed to have lost her somewhere along the way.