Its interesting, or rather it is to me that i realise how the environment im in influences my state of mind and therefore how well i respond to something (there are other factors), i have been stewing on this since the incident of me locking myself in the bathroom and the subsequent refusal to submit to a caning.
Especially as i do love the cane.
When we are in the room of doom, its purpose, his intent is pretty obvious..there will be pain and there is an immediate acceptance of that, there may be trepidation, a little fear but from the minute we are in there, the cuffs are attached..my head is there, ready.
There have been few times when i have acted so badly in the room of doom, but yes there have been times of 'fighting' him, attempts to refuse to submit but ultimately i always have...sometimes through force, but mostly i accept i have no choice but to surrender...he doesnt like force but will go down that route if necessary.
That time of the incident and other occasions where i have reacted so strongly to being beaten have been outside of the room of doom, usually the bedroom, im generally not restrained on these occasions, im not mentally in that place, it doesnt all come together for me like it does when im in the room of doom.
I dont always resist, those times are rare, but definitely i think there is a difference in my state of mind dependent on the environment.
I could never tire of being caned in the room of doom, not the canings i enjoy anyway, and he knows how i like it, and its my treat when he obliges, and after doing so well with the whippings i got my reward.
Its difficult to describe the sensations, im not a skilled writer either, i prefer to start straight with the cane, no other implement beforehand, and the strokes start off reasonably light to 'prepare' for harder strokes later on, i need the strokes to be rhythmic as in 1st stroke...1234...2nd stroke..1234 etc etc and this continues for perhaps the first 50ish.
Then they come harder, this is the more difficult stage i find where i struggle the most, the rhythm stays the same but the intensity is notched up and im more vocal at this point, but if i can ride it out then i know that wonderful bliss of subspace is around the corner, plus im terribly competitive with myself and like to keep count.....i get to around 200 and i can feel myself going under.
When im there in that place, they come down really hard, pace still the same, but the pain doesnt register anymore, the only way i can describe it is that there is just this sensation of thudding that i can feel, he could speak but i wouldnt hear, im just so focused on these amazing sensations, its not unusual for me to orgasm when i get to this point.
and then he stops, and im angry, i want more, i dont want to be removed from my happy place, and i beg for more, but as is happening a lot lately when i have a long caning, my ass, thighs are a mess, much more would leave scars and he wont go there.....when im in that place though...i will, i dont care, i just want to go on, i am in no fit state of mind to know my own limitations, i trust him to know them for me.
I realise that much later when i have 'come down'.
he moves in front of me and whilst im still restrained uses my mouth, and i eagerly suck, i have had my release its time for his.
I dont want to be tended to immediately i like to look in the mirror when he unties me, see the blood trickling, feel the welts, skin feels so rough but yet tender, i love this moment, i love that he gives this to me, that he can give me these experiences, i love the intimacy between us at these moments....and i will never tire of them.