One day....

I have been thinking about sex a fair bit, more precisely brooding on my perceptions of it, brought about by reading some posts over the last few weeks.

Im concious that i didnt have a healthy view of sex, although its vastly improved to what it was, but still i have quirks that niggle me from time to time, a lot of the negative connotations i had with sex stem from my teens, and from the ex who as our relationship soured would taunt me with my lack of enthusiasm and skill in the bedroom.

By the time our relationship fully broke down and ended, my self esteem and confidence was rock bottom in regards to self image and sex, it was in a brief relationship with a dominant before i met Master and began exploring D/s and mild bdsm that i started feeling comfortable with sex, it was a revelation that it turned me on, that my body responded naturally when before it just didnt...this relationship ended for a few reasons...mostly we just wasnt compatible but it opened my eyes to what i wanted.

When i met Master and as our relationship started, his authority over me was established first, before sex, before any bdsm, we talked a lot, he got into my head long before he got into my knickers.  I was anxious about sex, i felt intimidated by him, although that was not his intention, he was/is just so confident, older, more experienced, and i felt inadequate, that i wasnt going to be good enough at sex for him.

Bdsm played a huge part in our relationship, along with humiliation and degredation, he quickly picked up that my inhibitions with sex were loosened the more humiliating and degrading treatment he dished out, for me it was a way of 'escaping' being stripped of self worth and dignity enabled me to fully let go and s/m gave me greater sexual satisfaction than actually having sex did.  I love it when im completely debased.

The problem, or perhaps problem isnt the apt word, was that having sex without it involving bondage or humiliating treatment i found difficult, i have never in the 6 years we have been together used the term 'making love' i like to be fucked, to be used, the more brutal it is the better.

I often analyse is this healthy.  Im better than what i was, im comfortable inititating sex now when less than 2 years ago i wouldnt, i dont have a high sex drive but i never refuse him, but that does not mean im not willing either.....i actually get off on the forced element of it so that in itself turns me on.

But the biggest thing for me is i can say i enjoy sex now, albeit yes i prefer a good beating, i am happy to just have sex without the element of bdsm and thats better for us both, im understanding and enjoying the intimacy of having just sex.

Master is the only man i have never had to use lubricant with, i still get amazed how easily i get turned on, how quickly i respond to him in non-sexual situations, im easily aroused and im embracing that even though sometimes i have this niggle in my head that i shouldnt get so turned on by the things we do, he has never made me feel ashamed, he embraces and encourages it.

So ok i might brood about it not being healthy or normal but im sexually confident, more than i have ever been and thats progress to me.

One day maybe i will be able to ask him to make love to me.