and thats how i ended up being the bitch

No one's perfect right? i know my faults and i also know my strengths.

So my faults, my brain to mouth filter doesnt always activate when it should, i have a tendency to blurt out what im thinking when irked and its not always tactful or diplomatic and so yeah well not generally appreciated.

It started off really well, a girlie night in at a friends home, good food, great conversation which inevitably led to the men in our lives, one of our friends started to moan about her boyfriend not being around for her on Valentines day, that whilst all of her friends were doing something with their partners she was home alone (um actually me and the bossman dont do valentines day, but thats by the by), and he didnt consider her feelings blah de blah de blah.

We listened, we sympathised, poured her more wine (i was not allowed alcohol) and attempted to steer the conversation elsewhere, nope she wasnt letting it go, it became "woe is me, all alone, he doesnt care about me..." and i just had had enough.

i blurted my thoughts out

"well why dont you phone his wife, clearly what a selfish bitch she is expecting to have Valentines dinner with her husband, oh but then she doesnt know about you, does she!"

ok so yes im a sarcastic bitch

and they all looked at me like i had grown horns out my head!

She burst into tears, one of my friends called me an insensitive bitch, and well lets just say it ended up being an earlier night than anticipated.

Now, to make it clear, she is my friend and although i dont necessarily agree with what goes on in her personal life, i look past it because she is my friend, my issue was with the fact that as a grown woman of 37 she chose to go down this route, and the issues that come with it....so dont start moaning about unfairness etc because the circumstances dictate that really your in no position to do so.

I think i felt 'ok' to say it because she is my friend and it was (albeit probably not the right way to go about it) a verbal ass kicking reality check, putting things in perspective...i realise of course now, i could have been more diplomatic in how i made my point...but yeah the brain to mouth filter was clearly not functioning!

and just to make it worse, one of my friends phones up the following day and says "oh you said exactly what i was thinking"  good for you!

no, not good for me at all, im left being the bitch, but thanks for your support at the time...not, because you were sat there glowering at me like im the devil incarnate.

And when i got home, i sat and cried, and got told that really i should have just kept my opinions to myself.....i know that, dammit i know that, but i cant take it back....and she still a week on isnt talking to me.

and i do feel like im a bitch, perhaps as a friend i should have held back, i dunno, but i do know i didnt set out to hurt her, and so im paranoid now about what i say...maybe thats not such a bad thing.

Sweet dreams are made of these

From the archives, (2009) coz im lacking any ideas, thoughts of what to write, is there something going around at the moment....we need topics people! nothing too controversial mind....im trying to be good and diplomatic, have you any idea how difficult it is not to say exactly what you think?

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We went to this club, the dungeon was amazing, the room of doom is well equipped but this, this one had a rack, with all sorts of devices attached to it, i want it.

The Domme who runs and owns it with her longterm partner (also her dominant) scares the shit out of me, we have met her before, she is very nice but her 'suggestions' of getting her hands on me i find quite intimidating, im not ready for that, Master knows it.

There is a photo shoot/fetish scene going on, a few male subs naked, barring collars and leads, sitting in front of a Domme, i feel like i shouldnt be staring but i cant help it, and they are so well, so perfect in their form, im a fidget ass, keeping still for any length of time is a challenge.

The Domme takes us to a private room, she asks Master if he has any requests, my ears are at full attention now! he asks for a single tail whip (wtf) and the large judicial cane (yummy), i tune out as i walk around the room, its not as intimate as the room of doom, stark but thats ok....im just checking out the rack..i want on the rack.

Master tells me to strip, im hesitant because i know she will be coming back in with the items he requested and i dont want her seeing me naked! she comes back thankfully before im fully undressed, im not liking the look of the whip, but that cane, had it before and just love it.

She was intrigued and taken aback the first time Master used it on me, because its meant to be quite severe and she warned that its to be used carefully, and it looks it, its got to be at least 4 foot and thick maybe just over half an inch, and yeah i was scared the first time he picked it up....but to both of our surprise i loved it, its thuddy and the impact is different from the normal canes he uses, painful but yummy and the marks.....thick heavy stripes....and blood...omg i wiped my hand along my ass after and there was blood!

Master asked me what had my attention, and it had to be the rack...something new! he told me to get up on it, secured my ankles and wrists, and above it there is a platform with nipple clamps on a chain that can be pulled up...not so sure about that...nipple clamps ugh!

Then he started turning the wheel..and im stretching and it was uncomfortable, then painful, my god no wander it was used in medieval times as a torture device.....i want my limbs in their sockets thankyou very much!  not that he would do that...would anyone do that!

When i was stretched to his satisfaction, he applied the nipple clamps, and thats when i started screaming...i do not like them at all.....i called him some horrible names and he laughed as he pulled the chain tighter, i was begging to be let off.....i do not like the rack!

He got this vibrator out and thrust it in me, would rather have had his cock, but i got to earn that, he kept bringing me to the edge and every time i was close he would stop, and it was horrid i wanted him to stop, and then oh gosh how embarrassing i squirted, and it was disgusting, i was mortified, Master said it was ok, but i was going to have to lick it up.

sick bastard.

illlusions of freedom

I have lots of freedoms, as much as there are many things that i do have to have his permission for there is many more things im permitted to do without running to him every 5 mins, it works well for us, i tend to try to follow the direction of knowing him as well as i do and what his expectations are, what he approves of etc that i act accordingly.

Sometimes, as has happened recently, im given a short sharp reminder that what i perceive to be things i can do without having to ask, things that i guess really i take for granted are privileges, and ones he can take away.

The general, all important rule is im to be obedient and pleasing, and thats really common sense, well it should be but its not just as black and white as that, well in my mind its not...in his mind...well....it is that simple.

And i have dwelled on this a lot as of late after a discussion with him, i didnt like a decision he made and expressed as much, he asked if i was arguing, i wasnt and i stated that i was simply voicing my opinion and its what i thought....he replied that this was not permitted! (along with other 'privalages' being taken away) and that took me back, he has never once denied me my voice, not in this way.

I brought it on myself, i know that i havent been as pleasing and obedient as i should be, well obedient yes, i wont back down on that, but i have been failing miserably on the pleasing side, and that stems from getting complacent, taking for granted and pushing the boundaries of what im allowed to do.

It brought home to me that the freedoms i percieve to have, that i consider my 'rights', the very things that most take for granted are permissible only because he allows it.....and as much as i might be put out that i have been denied these things until behaviour improves, it very much gave me that comforting feeling of containment, reminding me im owned.

It will make me more appreciate of what i am allowed, that when all is said and done i have it good.

Is slavery for me?

"I read some of your posts and some of it fascinates me, but a lot of it scares the fuck out of me, I don't think I could be like that, is there a going back if all goes wrong or there is a realisation that it's more than I can handle?, how do I know if slavery is for me, we don't live together and it's not possible that we ever will, so can we have a TPE?.  I would appreciate your advice?

I replied to this comment via email, and yes i asked if i could summarise it on my blog, as it is a subject that crops up on occasion...and ok i wanted distraction from the consequences of my last post....eg i dont want to talk about it atm!

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I cant answer whether slavery is for you or not, the only person who can know that is you, i know that might seem like im passing the buck, but i believe it to be the truth.  

What i do know is, forget about what i do, how it is in my relationship, my slavery is personal to me, to my Master, its how we are, for others in M/s dynamics it may well be very different...there simply is no blueprint to define how it should be...its what you and your dominant want it to be.

Obviously bear in mind this is my opinion, and its probably not a popular one! TPE as the total in it implies, means all, everything, all the time and so therefore im hesitant to say that TPE can apply to those relationships that are not 24/7....but that is my opinion.

By no means (and im covering my ass, in case offence is taken lol) am i saying that those who are 24/7 are in any way 'better' or more 'real' than those that are not, its simply speaking from my own experience that M/s because of its intensity and mostly i think because its not just about the kink, its about service, day in day out, and fully relinquishing control (which is a huge part of what being a slave means to me) is not fully achievable in a situation that is not 24/7.

But again to reiterate that is my opinion, there is no 'right' way.

Is there a going back?

Yes, these relationships are based on consent, it is consensual slavery, however i think its very important to talk, talk and talk again to each other, have an understanding of what each others expectations are, and being realistic with those expectations.

And really, try looking beyond the labels. its too easy to get caught up in the idea of " i must do xyz to be a slave" or "i cant be submissive because i dont do xyz"

Im opinionated, stubborn, sarcastic and on a really bad day a complete and utter stroppy bitch....some might say thats not the personality of a slave.....and thats ok, i have yet to find the ultimate definition of what a slave should be like....and thats because there isnt one....well ok my Master gets to decides on how he likes his slave to be.....and yeah well lets just say im work in progress!

I know he knows...

and he knows i know he knows...

i just need to ramble about it here, so i wont apologise if it makes no sense this is just me writing it down to help me understand why i havent done something that i should.

I am required to have the butt plug inserted twice a day for 15 mins each time, there is no set time i have to do it in as long as it is done within a 24 hour period (and i usually do it during the day, no distractions), its been i think about 6 months ish since he implemented this.

I have been lapse about it for the last few weeks, i have been doing it once but skipping the second one, and really i have no excuse im not working now, im home, there is no valid reason on why i wouldnt be doing it.

He hasnt mentioned it, he doesnt need to because well as title suggests, i know he knows, and i know he isnt pleased with me, its like he is waiting me out, well i guess he is,  to acknowledge to him that i havent been doing it and im putting it off......im acknowledging it here but i doubt that will count, he will want it direct.

Its not the fear of the punishment, because i do know i will be punished, its hearing his disappointment, and im aware the longer i leave it the worse it will be, but its on me to fess up, to acknowledge that i have been disobedient for no valid reason and i do know better.

I suppose the big question is why havent i done it? when im fully aware of the consequences and that i will end up....well feeling like i am now, which isnt good, i feel like i have let him down because i have let him down.

and the answer is i dont know, or i cant articulate/explain why, i want to say its because i didnt feel like it...but that will go down like a ton of bricks in the ocean! which is understandable.

He is just so busy at the moment that i dont want to cause him distraction especially when its in a negative way...but then who am i kidding, he is always busy and im just making excuses to put it off.

To top it all off im ashamed that im having to have it spelled out to me that my behaviour isnt as it should be in general, and its things that really by now i shouldnt have to be pulled up on.

Sometimes i just suck at being submissive, or rather i am submissive but i just suck at the submitting at times.

Carrot, stick, donkey

Reading over at http://thoughtsfromhisslut.blogspot.co.uk/ and her post on limits got me thinking about how one goes about over-coming them, do they need to be over-come?   i suppose im pondering how is dealing with limits managed in general.

If i look back to when Master and i first got together and he asked for my limits,  he requested that i separate them by things i just would not do at all (hard limits) and things i was unsure of/no interest in (soft limits) and giving reasons.

Needles was on my would not do at all......hmm yet my previous post described a scene that involved needles, and i loved it! needles are now a favourite of mine...... will come back to that.

Having to really think about the reasons of why i wouldnt do something and then examining said reasons was really helpful, and most of the reasons were because i was scared, thought it too extreme/too painful, the reason of just not wanting to do something he would not accept...there had to be a reason.

We discussed them, my reasons and he answered my questions, with the benefit of his experience he was able to put to rest some of my fears, the hard limits were left alone, the soft ones we could work on as and when.

One of the most impacting emotions of these relationships, ttwd, of being submissive, is when the need to please one dominant takes over, its so strong that one can find themselves wanting, needing to overcome our own personal dislikes/fears etc and to not hold back.

As our relationship progressed, a turning point came when i asked for enslavement and he accepted, it was understood that at this point my limits, hard and soft would be handed to him, so in effect i had no 'personal' limits only those that he had himself.

This did not mean that overnight, a week, month etc that he broke every one of them, not at all, it simply meant that he now held the right to push them as and when he felt was the right time and i had no get-out, and even now 8 years on there are still some that havent been pushed and perhaps never will be.

Some he did push me on, not necessarily in a hard handed way, but making it clear that it was going to be something we would be doing, talking to me about it, listening to me, giving me time to process it etc...but it was going to happen, and he would rather i go to it in a positive mindset, that i looked forward to it, wanted it even.

Other times yes there was an element of force, not in a physical sense that i needed to be physically made to comply, but more a you are doing this now, you can bitch, moan, beg, cry as much as you want...but it is happening.

Now the needles, he played the waiting game, they was not mentioned, i was not pressured at all, but i knew that he enjoyed them, and going back to that needing to please over-riding ones own fear/dislike..well thats what happened in this case.

I wanted to give him something that he hadnt and wouldnt ask for from me, even though at that point in our relationship it was understood he could anyway, i realise now what i didnt then he knew this time would come, for me it was a huge step forward, for us both i guess.

I asked for them, i was scared, didnt want them, but i asked for them, putting his pleasure before mine was what i focused on.

And afterwards, i was on cloud 9, for one because they was no where near as bad as i had built them up to be in my head, and i had conquered a fear, but mostly because i had given him another part of me that i held back, and i want him to have all of me, all that he wants and needs...and he gives me so much more.

Behind the bedroom door/breath play

Oh blimey im so behind in getting unfinished posts published, only another 87 unpublished posts left in draft folder to sort out (some go back a year or more!)

I suppose with the free time i have now i should get around to sorting them out......but im also terrible for procrastinating, but im going to try, really does need a sort out.

Sitting astride Master on the bed, lowering myself onto his cock, instinctively i start to move, and he tells me to stop, i know why, i have seen whats on the bedside table, and my eyes light up with anticipation.

He takes a needle from the box, draws it across both my tits, teasing, leaving faint scratches, i start moving, "no, keep still" and its so difficult, grabbing my tit he pushes it in, and another one, dont want to leave a tit out!  a few more dotted around then he grabs my waist, dictating the movement, i attempt to take control, to move faster, so close to cumming and he stops me.

Another 2 needles from the box, i know where these are going, he pinches my nipples, twisting them until im wincing,, "move slowly" and as i do, he pushes one needle through a nipple, such a sharp delicious sensation, "please let me cum" i just dont think i can hold off much longer..."one more" and the other nipple is pierced, let loose, i move at my own pace, the blood trickling down just adds to it and an orgasm rips through me.

I love to be hooded, i know i have mentioned before that my favourite hood is a rubber one, with only two thin nasal tubes to breath in and out from.

Master at bedtime had said i could choose something, anything at all, and i choose this hood.

He pulls the hood over my head, and leads me to the bed, i love that i can feel him, but i cant see, hearing isnt good and my speech is muffled, but mostly its because these senses are removed other than touching and being able to feel him,  it makes the touching much more hmm 'alive' because its the primary focus from my viewpoint.

Lying on my back, slightly elevated by pillows, he is above me, i feel his hands toying with my breasts. his mouth biting my skin, slowly he enters me, and my breathing is heavy, its easy to panic when in this hood, and i have had little panics before.  Suddenly i cant breathe, Master has grasped the nasal tubes so i have no air supply, i start to struggle, my hands moving to his hands, trying to get them to release the tubes, when he does release my breathing is erratic, trying to steady it again.

As he fucks me, he continues this pattern, it seems for such a long time, but in reality not as long as it was at the time, sometimes im sure im going to black out, the sensations of whats going on, oxygen being restricted whilst being sexually stimulated, well bloody hell does it make for more intense orgasms, it can be addictive.

Its scary and exciting all wrapped together, the natural instinct is to fight, desperate to breathe, i scratch at him, legs kicking, but with his weight above me its futile, apart from the orgasms which are just breathtaking (no pun intended) the thrill for me is literally putting my life in his hands.

*Yes this type of play (play probably not the most apt word to use) has risks, serious risks, its not something to be taken lightly, we tend to subscribe to the theory of RACK rather than SSC*

He pulls the hood off of me after a couple of orgasms, and im in a place, a good place, a floaty place, and he continues to fuck me, my hands gripping him, legs wrapped around him, until he cums, im there, but im not there.

Umm we do also have normal sex, you know without the kink, generally in the mornings!

*RACK: risk aware consensual kink

*SSC: safe, sane and consensual

The way i differentiate between the 2 is that there are some activities within bdsm that many would not consider safe, and perhaps some not even sane!  mostly i would say those that fit within the label of edgeplay.

Not the answer your looking for

Not so much now, but back when we was more involved with others and i got talking to subs and Doms, a common query that people wanted to know about each other seems to have been "whats the worst he could do to you?", a few times in comments over the years its also cropped up.

and i get the impression that there is this expectation of me describing some really intense s/m session, and i would avoid giving an answer.

Because pain is nothing, its not the worst.

Other than releasing me, the worst he could do is to be indifferent, to let me choose what i wanted, when i wanted, to not be concerned if i didnt do something i was told to, to ignore me, to just let me go along as i liked without care/concern, to let the proverbial leash drop from his hands.

The flip side of the coin, "what do you enjoy the most?" its non specific, but im guessing there is this expectation that it will be a description of graphic sex or again an s/m session.

Im not a slushy person by nature, but what i do enjoy most is when we retire for the night, i love sitting up in bed talking, watching tv with him and then snuggling up before going to sleep, im so not a romantic person but just falling asleep with his arms around me at the end of the day is what i enjoy the most.

As great as the tpe, the sex and the kink is, its the everyday things that mean the most.

Triggers

Its odd, well not odd but i guess its going to sound really trivial but well as i have said many a time i do enjoy humiliation, but it is personal to the individual, there are little things that just trigger this reaction in me, not a positive one, and thats certain 'pet names'.  I just find some of them belittling in a way i dont like.

Being called subbie, i hate that, along with little one or little sub, i know trivial right?  and i cant even begin to give a reasonable explanation of why, they just rub me up the wrong way.

Now bitch, cunt or slut is fine, slag is a huge no, whore an even bigger no, they are just words, i know that, but words, phrases and how they are used, and more importantly how they are interpreted by the recipient makes them more than just words, they can get under your skin, eat away at you and play on ones mind.

A lot of it is just semantics, but still its how its worded that can trigger different results, a

"does my little sub want a nice spanking?" would not do it for me at all, but a

"does my bitch need a good beating?" will have me dripping straight away.

Anything weight related or degrading comments about my body will have me withdrawing, i do know the reasons for this my stepdad....well as a teen he constantly would belittle me, my appearance, well he just knocked my self esteem lets just leave it at that.

Being compared to another, put in a situation of competing with another, once many years ago now we were with a couple, Master had just finished caning me, not a hard caning by any means and the other dominant said something like (i cant remember exactly word for word) "oh, you should see what my sub can take, and proceeded to cane his sub, leaving these fancy kriss cross marks, after expecting Master to continue caning me,  Master didnt rise to the bait, the fact is i could have taken a lot more, but thats not the point.

Im not a 'game' and i wouldnt like the idea of being used as a 'party piece', perhaps its insecurity on my part but im not very confident in myself in the respect of being good enough, so anything that might put me in a position of not being good enough or any references made to be not being good enough would do more harm than good.

Im not an exhibitionist, although we have played with others in the past, its been a long, long time since we have and although i enjoyed some elements of it, im much more content and confident in private, i dont like public play, or public humiliation, the very idea of going out dressed like a common tart distresses me, heck i dont even like going out with no underwear on....thankfully Master likes me in nice underwear and its rare he will make the request of no knickers.

When we had played with others, i did perform oral sex on dominants, went down on femsubs, but truthfully im happier now being monogamous, i fantasise about being gang-banged, being passed around...but its one of those fantasies that is best left as just that, i couldnt cope with it, not on an emotional level.

I know he misses it at times (the playing with others that is), and that in itself makes me feel not good enough, because i should be able to give him that, to enjoy it for him, and its not that i hated it all, some elements of it were enjoyable but i would be content not to have to do it again.

A peek on the Bossman

Its our anniversary this month, 8 years since we got together....im not sure which one of us deserves a medal!

I thought as im normally rambling about me, my issues, my rants etc...i would give 10 tit bits about the Bossman, 5 vanilla and 5 not.....suppose i better let him have a look in on occasion.

Vanilla

1.  his hobbies are varied, he is a caver and is a volunteer of cave rescue in the local area, scuba diving, has a pilots licence, motorbikes, ham radio, an obsession with indian food, and although not a smoker he does enjoy a good spliff on the odd occasion.

2.  he is well travelled, worked a few years in Africa and the USA, among other places, 90% of his travels are work related....he isnt a fan of holidays for the purpose of relaxation!

3.  the only sport he really enjoys (watching that is) is rugby, and when its on i dont get a look in...offered blow jobs, attempted distractions with shoving the cane in front of his face....nope, im pushed aside in favour of watching men run about a field throwing an odd shaped ball!

4.  he is well spoken, articulate, but as soon as he gets in the car he goes through a personality transplant, every other driver on the road is a twat, the satnav gets a shitload of verbal abuse, he gets out the car and he returns to normal!

5. his work is very important to him, i dont believe he will ever fully retire, he is very good at what he does and is considered an expert in his profession, he has been on television programs, hosts a radio slot, wrote articles for magazines and has had papers published in his respective professions journals....i find his intelligence quite intimidating at times, but also i find it very sexy.

non-vanilla

1.  his favourite implement to use is the cane, thankfully its also my favourite.

2.  he is strict, he has no tolerance for excuses (good reason yes, i have tried arguing there is no difference, apparently there is!) with him its a simple choice "you either choose to obey or you dont" a dont generally has unpleasant consequences.

3.  it was when he was at uni that he first discovered kink..but as a sub for a woman, he realised as did she that he was better suited to being dominant, he liked it and well that was that

4.  as strict and unyielding as he is, he is very loving, im completely secure in that i know he will do what is best for me/us, he makes me feel safe

5.  tit torture is probably what he enjoys most, if he had to choose a favourite 'activity', i was so naive in the beginning...i didnt realise all the possible ways tits can be tormented...some i wish i still didnt know!

Aprons at the ready

Yesterday everyone deserted me to go look at cars (im not complaining they were all driving me nuts), my son is turning 17 in April and a car is on his wish list, so whilst they were all out i got on with dinner, now i have said before im not a confident cook, i can cook well what i know, but im not that great with experimenting.

But as i have all this time on my hands i have taken to experimenting in the kitchen (its getting mixed results, i think they all want me to go back to work!) so i thought i would do a gammon joint, rather than roasting it i boiled it, put in some herbs and veg and according to recipe...just leave to boil away..ok yes checking on it to make sure it dont dry out...yes well

I got engrossed in a book, and when i checked on the ham it had indeed boiled dry, the metal spatula broke as i tried prising it off the bottom of the pan, by the time i did get it out, it fell apart, just caved in...ok so now its pulled pork.

They said it was burnt, i prefer to use the term caramelised, they all woke up this morning, i have had no phone calls as of yet telling me their sick, so therefore i deem it a success!

Maybe a cookery course is on the horizon.

No destination

Years ago, in the beginning with Master, i expected to get a collar, because well you cant be a slave without a collar!!! that was my thinking.  However Master places no value on them whatsoever, they simply mean nothing to him,and although i was quite put out initially coz i wanted a collar dammit.....i realised that what would be the point of having and wearing a collar that meant nothing to him.

Wearing a collar, does not a slave make.

I used to really believe, and i have old posts to prove it, that being a slave meant having no limits whatsoever, no safeword..coz we all know slaves are just there to be used as Master sees fit, regardless of how slave feels and thinks..right?

Wrong, all that does not a slave make.

I used to refer to myself as slave a lot, i felt that it was important that everyone knew i was a slave, didnt matter that i was only a few months into this relationship...yes people i knew it all...coz i was a slave.

Saying "yes im a slave, and im going to keep repeating it at every opportunity, just to make sure you know that" does not a slave make.

Im a masochist, i can take a lot of pain, i enjoy it, i love to be humiliated and degraded...and yes you may have guessed whats coming, i figured because im like this im even more a slave.

Being able to take a beating and enjoying humiliation does not a slave make.

Well not the slave that Master wants anyway.

For him its about behaviour, adapting the way i think, and i cant be told how to think, i had and have to get there on my own, sure under his guidance, leading me in the direction he wants...but i had to want to it, it cant be forced.

But behaviour isnt very specific, so its about learning what behaviour he likes and what he doesnt, being of service, not just when its sexual but all round, and taking pleasure from that, because its pleasing to him, even if it is something as trivial as making him a cup of tea.

Its simply more about the mind than it is the physical, i dont dwell on not having a collar anymore, because its the mental and emotional bonds that are forged that make me the slave he wants.

and sometimes  i think i still have a long way to go, that i will never get to be this slave that i should be, but im ok with that because experience has taught me that its more than just thinking "im a slave" because of all the reasons above, and its ok that i have struggles, that i dont always behave as he would like because i dont have to try to live up to be this perfect slave that was my 'ideal'....and rather than thinking there has to be a 'final destination' there doesnt its simply the journey that matters.