Pondering that *line*

I was reading over at http://xpygarx.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/marked.html and he linked to a short video clip of a women showing her marks off, and subsequently the post was regarding marks, his thoughts on them, and he posed some questions that got me thinking.

"Despite the consensual nature of such play is there a point though at which I should be concerned for a sub who likes to be severely beaten and marked? Is there not a line that should not be crossed by a Dom even when the sub desires that he go further and treat her even more severely? Clearly lasting physical harm may be one line - but even if it is not lasting harm, is it always justifiable? Is there a point where one needs to think of the psychological health of the sub as well as the physical health? Is it always ok to desire such pain and marking?"

When i watched the clip my initial reactions was along the lines of "well thats not bad at all" i certainly wouldnt have thought them severe...and then i dwelled on this (like i do) i thought..

have i become de-sensitised to images of s/m, and if so how does that reflect on me? so this morning i looked again, and i tried to think from a 'fresh' perspective and yes they are very vivid marks, and yes perhaps severe, i like them, i respected them...if that makes any sense at all.

But back to the questions Pygar posed,

what is considered severe though?  i wander perhaps if its difficult to determine, my idea of severe may well not be the same as someone elses,

Crossing the line though, hmm i think SSC or RACK applies, should always apply.  Is it justifiable?

for us s/m is about mutual enjoyment, there have been times when i have desired to go further and he has not allowed it..those times have been when i have been on such a 'high' i am in no fit state to assess my own physical limitations.....so he does that for me...i trust his judgement over mine...always.

I like to be treated severely, his cruelty turns me on, excites me, not always i hasten to add but most of the time we feed off one another, he loves my tears, screams and begging as much as i love the embrace of his whip, the kiss of the cane, and his taunts, if not at the time then definitley afterwards i relish those moments.

So is it justifiable? gosh yes when it provides so much pleasure and for us is more intimate than sex and certainly more satisfying.

Long term psychological health as well as physical health should be considered, i admit im still brooding on this, i think again it comes down to being sensible...

Personally as much as i love the more 'severe' sessions i am happy to have milder scenes as well, i do though yes like to have some marks, and feel a bit 'put out' if there are not any afterwards, but not to the point its an issue.

So yeah i think its ok to always desire such pain and marking but desiring and actually having it are different, i desire it but i know damn well i couldnt handle it on a constant basis and he wouldnt do that either.

I think a lot of responsibility is placed on the dominant, in keeping aware of his subs mental health as well as the physical, a 'good' dominant surely wouldnt want to damage his sub intentionally?

Its the sun's fault

It is!!!

The heat we have been experiencing over here hasnt been good for me, pretty much most of last week i wasnt feeling good, but come Thursday i was really poorly, my sugar levels were going through the roof, and then a 12 hour train journey on Saturday to pick up my neice who is staying for a week....was too much, i started out at 5.50 am and arrived back home at 8.25pm as i wanted to avoid an overnight stay, i did it in one day...in hindsight...bad idea.

Anyway, checking in with blogger, which i havent been much of late (so some catching up to do with reading what you all been up to lol), i read a comment critiscing the post i made regarding needle play, it wasnt "broad" enough apparently, and "I think your post is biased, how arrogant of you to suggest its not that painful, are you an expert?"

ok, so i did state in that post that and i quote "I can only give my opinon from being on the recieving end of needle play" and "im not a medical expert"....

The odd thing is..well not odd but well im actually wary of dishing out advice, although i have no problem in asking for it, i think no matter how much we know, we should always be open to learning more, and there is no shame in reaching out to someone....i think its arrogant to have the attitude of..."oh i know it all, i dont need any ones advice, opinion etc"

But back to giving advice, yes i wrote that post because i was asked about it, and i replied to the person via email, pretty much covering what i wrote in that post, but i did express that ultimatley my opinions are based on my experiences.....and im sure someone else could write a post on needle play and have a different opinion.

Doesnt that apply to everything pretty much?

Giving advice i struggle with because naturally its based on what i know, what has worked and continues to work for me....but its not going to work for everyone, and thats ok, but its so easy most especially when new to ttwd to place too much trust in what "the more experienced say", to 'compare' when there is so much diversity within ttwd and all relationships are different.

Not saying one shouldnt ask, heck never stop asking questions (thats how we learn) but its more important to remember thats its based on that persons experience....and someone else could give a totally different reply.

You experiment, have fun and find what works for you.

I would hate to think that i come accross as "all knowing" because im most definitley not....i dont have all the answers, i mess up, and im not afraid to admit it...ashamed sometimes yes!

but i love learning, and i do learn, from my own experiences as they continue, from reading other blogs and reading different perspectives and from the interaction on my own blog.

One can simply never stop learning.

Pricks and prods

I got a comment on an old post asking about needle play, what type of needles? where can they go? does it hurt? risk of infection? what does it do for me? and tit skewering, why?

As usual i can only give my opinion from being on the recieving end of needle play and im not a medical expert!

I enjoy needle play, which came as a bit of a shock at first as i was so dead against them because whenever i have blood taken at the docs, even now, it makes me feel sick and faint (i have a couple of times passed out at the docs) so i didnt have a positive association with them.

But well progress and all that..

What types of needles?

We use hypodermic needles, the gauges (diameter) of these vary, higher the number the smaller the gauge, i think my Master uses ones in the 20 ish gauge range, truthfully i dont take much notice..thats his department!

Where can they go?

Pretty much anywhere on the body, for me personally for stimulation i like them on the tits (nipples) and the labia.

Does it hurt?

oh gosh this one of those 'how long is a piece of string' type questions, and i dont mean that to be flippant in any way.  There is an initial sharpness when the needle pierces the skin, but i think on a measure of pain this is much less painful that when nipple clamps are initially applied.

Then it depends on where the needle is used, the gauge, and how the piercing is done, pushing just under the flesh hurts more than when he puts them in deeper.

Risk of infection?

Being sensible here applies, dont re-use the same needle, clean the area before and after (i admit we dont adhere to the cleaning before much) 

What does it do for me?

oh well, i love the blood aspect of it, i find it a huge turn on when needles are used on my tits and the blood trickles down, especially when the needles are removed, at times..it gushes, i also find it erotic to watch him using the needles on me, its psychological as much as it is a physical sensation.

I love the endorphin rush of the needle first piercing the skin, its a very addictive sensation, and it can go from being a very pleasurable feeling to painful dependent on certain factors.

What the hell? lol

Tit skewering is using a larger sized needle (usually a spinal needle) to go through the whole tit, visually stunning in my mind, why? because pretty much the reasons i gave above..but perhaps mostly the visual impact.

Good girl

We have never argued the bossman and i, not as in full scale screaming shouting arguments, not because we are this perfectly harmonious couple, but because you cant row and argue with someone who wont retaliate.

And he doesnt, he has never shouted at me, raised his voice and emphasised tone yes, but nope he has never shouted, he wont engage me in arguing....and sometimes its absolutley infuriating when one person is giving it 'beans' and the other is just calmly taking it without comment or action (for the time the ranting is going on).

We disagree on many of a subject, this is certainly not a relationship where its a case of  "if Master says it is right, it is right' not in the context of having opinions about life in general, and as much as i put him on a pedestal...it doesnt make his views, opinions anymore valid than mine.

When i wrote that last post, i wasnt being brave lol, i was totally pissed off with him (still am a little) and this is my little corner of the world, where within reason he wont hold me accountable for my rants.....because ranting at him directly is pointless so i need to let off steam somewhere!

and i hate that....when im mad at him but i have calmed down from the ranting..all it takes is him saying "good girl" and whatever i was mad at him for fades into the background, it doesnt matter...because i just want to be that "good girl".

He cant count

My attitude hasnt been that great of late, little quips, sarcasm, and mildly childish behaviour, so i asked him

"on a scale of one to ten, how much trouble am i in?"

and he replied

"11"

and he thinks i have problems!

ok, so im adding to this because..actually im pissed (not in the drunk sense), i was thinking 7 on my scale, because i admit i havent had a good attitude but i think he is being harsh! and this probably wont help (writing this) but dammit the man is bloody infuriating! and i cant rant at him.

3rd edit (that sums up my pissed off rate)

For Master....remember you said i can write freely here without repercussion!

ok 4th edit

I realise that actually having this little ahem tantrum is displaying exactly some of the behaviour that has got me into trouble and umm yeah i know this....and well i cant take it back because right now at this minute its how i feel!

You say potato, i say potahto

In replying to a comment which asked if i could have anal fisting as a hard limit, and surely i have a choice, i figured my reply would be so long i may as well make it a post.

A beautiful sunny day, the bossman may well ask "what would you like to do today?"

and most normally my response is "i dont mind, what would you like to do?"

its not because im so 'doormatish' that i cant or wont say where i would like to go....simply im laid back...or more accurately im incredibly indecisive..if we had to wait for me to make that decision we would end up going nowhere.

Im easy going, and generally just happy to go with the flow, sometimes he will push me into making a decision for myself, and honestly i know it sounds pathetic but i get my knickers in a twist..."why cant you just tell me what to do?" i will say.

Now i am more than capable of making decisions and i do regularly, with work, the children, whats for dinner, etc etc but in many areas i prefer having a structure that is solid, one in which the boundries are so firmly in place so i know where i stand rather than have uncertainty, i like the security of knowing that mostly he decides what is for the best.

Of course, anal fisting (and/or any aspect of s/m, our relationship) is more complicated than simply making a decision about where to go out to...but the principle is the same.

So, simply by removing 'choice' and 'limits' i dont have that uncertainty, or deliberations over 'do i want to or not' , it does not mean that no consideration is given to how i feel, he wants and encourages my thoughts....and although im incredibly indecisive and laid-back...it doesnt effect my ability to have an opinion..if anything im too opinionated!

But most important is that even though he 'owns' my choices and limits....well all of me, he doesnt want to damage me physically or mentally....and i know he would not do anything that would cause this and if he thought that there was this risk then it would stop....but yes he will 'nudge' and 'push' me along the way.

If i had choices and limits..and they were mine.....hmmm i would have missed out on the most wanderful experiences i have had that i would have not wanted to do....yeah sometimes its been the case that i havent liked it and i would rather not do them again..but you know what...

i wouldnt have it any other way.

Well...i need saving apparently

I received an email last week, asking if i would be willing to help in consulting with a book by answering some questions, it was rather long winded, i replied politely declining that i didnt think for personal reasons i was suitable...based on this

 "I would like to write a book that causes women to see that they can have working lives, rich in sex and love with men who don't make them cry."

and

"I want to disclose how/why women feel that it's okay for the man they love to hit them.

This whole business is sick. I want to write a book that causes people to realize that love, not physical pain inflicted by someone who's job is supposed to be the protector, is the right idea.

I only want to attack the beatings; I have no problem with sex, maybe you've noticed!, sex is a really good gift from God.

So what I need to some understanding about what women are feeling, why they tolerate, even why they want physical pain.

I'm old now. In college, I had taken a new girl-friend to my apartment, asked for sex, and she told me she'd do as I wanted if I hand-cuffed her and she had no choice. (frankly, she practically had an orgasm when she thought I was going to do as she asked.)

But this idea sickened me, (I had thought of making tie cords from lamp cords.) Instead I decided to take her home immediately."

 

But what made me chuckle is

 

"Of course, you seem to have worked very hard to reverse pleasure and pain for yourself. Your body can't invert physical pain but you have switched how you interpret what you feel, ie., what it means to you. I can't change you. Nor can you do much either.

  I can't do anything. My suggestion, I know you have not asked for anything from me, is that you find a Bible, you can read them online, and read some Psalms. Also Proverbs.

And, of course, pray."

 

 

So you can see why i declined!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its not that bad...if i keep saying it..it must be true...right?

I know i was vague in the last post but i have my reasons, firstly i wanted to get my own thoughts down about how i felt about it without saying what *it* is, it was more about my reaction to it, secondly i wasnt going to say what it is until we have actually done it so then i could give a more informed personal opinion (yes im going to say what it is..if you have no patience..scroll down..im getting to the point..at some point lol)

But im also embarrassed about it, which in itself im not liking because well i will happily admit about other kinks we enjoy but this one im just not getting my head around.

Its anal fisting!   ewwwww

Ok so its not that bad is it?  i think im trying to convince myself its not that bad.

We have done vaginal fisting and thats...well im not really sure how that is cos when he has done it im so deep in subspace i really couldnt care less whats shoved up there lol (lets not put that to the test Sir!)

but the ass!!!!

Why!

ewww!

and nope havent done it yet...not ready....

and if i have my way i wont be ready for oh at least another few years!

i love anal sex, prefer it more than 'normal' sex, and i have had enemas (eww, dont like them!) but this....a fist up my ass....and the worst of it is..i hate that he knows me so well and i dont and wont confirm he is right when he says

"but you know, the more humiliating, the more degrading it is, when it pushes you, you love it,"

Yeah go on play the 'Master' card..i dare you...oh you did!

I thought i was long past the jaw dropping moments of "you want to do what!!!!!"....clearly not, as was evident when he brought up what he intended to do to me...after adequate preparation of the physical nature....i do believe i was rendered speechless for a bit...only a bit mind!

Its been a long while since he has introduced something new, he has exposed me over the years to such a wide variety of s/m that i figured what he hasnt is what i have assumed he had no interest in...clearly i was wrong on that count.

He first brought it up about 5/6 weeks ago (planted the seed) well it aint growing that seed....im not finding it anymore appealing now than i did 5/6 weeks ago, but i let it sink it, i scoured the internet for information, we spoke about it...but im not thrilled about it....i dont get why he wants to do it..thats bugging me....he has never mentioned it before!

I told him how i felt, he listened, i questioned him as to why he wants to do it because i really cant see the appeal, and i explained that i wasnt comfortable with the idea at all, and although he is taking on board what im saying...im not sure what way his final decision may swing.

So i said to him in a last ditch attempt (and this had been an on/off discussion for weeks) that i didnt think this was something i wanted to do....and the bastard played the 'Master' card...

"you dont have a choice".

Buzzing overload

Ok so i know what im like, i dwell on things, and i know my friend certainly didnt intend for her comment (last post) to cause this much overthinking but its eating away at me.....and last night i went to bed thinking about it..hence why i blogged about it...and thats probably made it worse coz i was still obsessing about it...hence the rambling here...damn this blog has its uses..even if its not making sense..it helps to get it out..i think!

It tapped into my insecurities, and paranoia, had to talk it out, to straighten things in my head, to get reasurrance, to be rational.

So..... no one can predict the future, no one enters a relationship (i imagine) thinking the worst, you dont enter a relationship wandering if and when it will end.....because i imagine to do so would make one and/or both miserable.

You cant worry about 'what ifs', i trust the Bossman he has never given me any reason not to.

Im not 'knocking' my friend in any way, i get that she has been through a rough time and im sure it has left her mistrusting and perhaps a little bitter...but you cant tar every relationship with the same brush..gosh she would probably be horrified if she knew its caused me this much angst.

How do you know!

Last night was a girly night, my friend has very recently had her final divorce papers through so we were celebrating, it had been a difficult year and more for her, but she is doing so well, better than she thought she would...so it was kind of a 'finger up' to the ex celebration.

She posed a thought, that most certainly did get all of us thinking..."how safe and secure do you think your relationship is?" 

see her ex husband had been having an affair, been going on for at least a year...and she didnt have a clue, as far as she was aware their marriage was doing great, they still had an active sex life, enjoyed family time (they have 3 kids) and in no way did she suspect at all.

and this is what has tormented her the last year, more than anything else.....that she really didnt have a clue! and it knocked her big time that everything she believed was real....wasnt.... that they were happy....gone!, she braved it out for her children but i was worried about her as were her other friends.

They did initially try to work through it but for her the trust was gone and they separated.

But now nearly 2 years on she is doing amazingly, but the scars are there, wary of dating again, trust issues which i think is understandable.

Anyway yeah it did get me thinking.

I trust the bossman completely...(like she trusted her husband?), i suppose a difference being if Master wanted to have sex with someone else..he would be upfront about it..but still....i keep coming back to..

how safe and secure is our relationship? anyones...

Yeah i missed you too!

Kneeling at his feet, he starts questioning me..."you fucked anyone else", "been letting anyone touch your cunt..your ass" the questions come quick, i know he is just 'playing' with me, i have no interest in other men at all....he knows that.

"no, no there is no one else" i reply......."are you sure" and he goes on, im being interrogated and no answer will be the right one and i shoot back aggressively "what about you, you been fucking someone else Sir?", smack his hand connects with my cheek, and again..hard knocking me off balance...

I look down..trying to pull off the 'im really ashamed' look but i cant, being slapped on the face is just an instant turn on, he stands "undress me", i love undressing him, standing i take off his shirt, never losing eye contact with him, kneeling to remove his trousers, his boxers and my mouth latches onto his cock until he pulls on my hair sharply..lastly shoes and socks.

I worship his feet, and i relish this, its such a humbling act, it demonstrates my deference to him, my 'place'...moving up to his cock again before begging him "please fuck me" he obliges, and its rough, relentless..but so desperatley needed.

The sun has got his hat on

I have been away on a mini-break, just me and my daughter, theme park, zoo and shopping, it was a last minute decision, and it was good for us to have some mum/daughter time as with the last few months my son has been taking exams and a lot of focus has been on him, and what with all this worry over him going on holiday....i needed to spend some time with her.

It was lovely, we had a wanderful time, now its back to normality....well normalish! is it sad that i missed blogland?...well sad i am..i have posts to catch up, comments to reply to...and i so want to complain about the heat but i wont....coz i moan when its raining.....but then i am British..this is what we do.

I hate making decisions

My son and 5 of his friends are off to stay at the villa in the Algarve for 2 weeks, they are all 16, and its taken a lot of thought, discussion with fellow parents to make the decision that they could go....just havent told them that yet.

There good kids, but still as his mum i worry, have i made the right decision? 

Its that feeling of being torn between accepting that i have to start 'letting him go' but also wanting to keep him protected, safe, he has been abroad before without us, school trips and skiing with friends and their family..but this will be the first time without direct adult supervision....and yeah im thinking of all the worst scenarios.

Im tempted to let them have the first week and fly out myself on the 2nd week.....i dont know!

There is a couple we and my son knows really well who are close by, they are out there all summer and they have said they will check in on them twice a day so im reassured by that, that they have support there if neccessary....but still its not the same....oh heck i dont know if im trying to convince myself i have made the right decision or im trying to talk myself out of it..and change my mind.

Some friends of mine have said im bonkers letting a group of teenagers go abroad on their own and some have been supportive, saying they are sensible kids, its their opportunity to prove they can be responsible...but heck at the end of the day they are just children.

and..

sometimes being a parent isnt easy, and the older they get the more harder it seems to be.

Entitlement

Thankfully it doesnt happen very often, and i cant pinpoint what triggers it, but i have moments of...and i hate to say it but its accurate..temper tantrums..i simply want my own way.

I had an indulgent childhood, i was spoiled, i think the fact that i was the only girl for a long time in a male dominated family contributed to it, i am a stereotypical daddys little princess, i do still call him daddy and he still indulges me.

However in my defence i wasnt a horrid spoilt brat if that makes sense, but i learnt from a young age (as children do) how to manipulate, to 'work' the grown ups to get what i wanted, and well i liked having my own way and more often than not i got it.

But of course one grows up, have children of my own and well mature, but on occassions i do get fixated on feeling like an injustice is being done because he wont let me have something, or do something i want to do..and that mentality of wanting my own way takes over.

I get a sense of entitlement, that he should give into me because....

: 95% of the time (nobodys perfect right?) im good, im obedient and generally do as im told without question

: i serve him in all that he has asked of me and will continue to ask of me, even when im uncomfortable with the idea or simply plain hate it

: he should be damn grateful, because he is strict, he is demanding, and his control over me is absolute...and dammit i love this about him i do..but yeah he should be lucky that i adapted to this very quickly!

When im in this 'mode' those are all i think about, im caught up in wanting what he has denied, and it could be something so trivial that on another occassion being denied the same thing wouldnt bother me at all....and it is rare that i will get this 'drama queenish' over being told "no".

And im thinking "how dare he, what about what i want for a change, its not like i ask for much!" ..i cant be reasoned with in these moments.

Its not a 'tit for tat' relationship as in.."ok i have sucked your cock on demand this week so i want xyz"

But then i calm, and im left feeling ashamed, guilty, sorry.

Because im not entitled to anything based on it being just because...im behaving as he expects and wants me to behave....and i have it good, i know i do, even with his strictness, life is good.