The calm before the storm

 

 

 

 

I really dont know how you can be so calm when im such a bitch at times, im sorry (and yes i know im always sorry) but if i wasnt i wouldnt say it (coz you know im a stubborn cow at times as well), i was out of order and my attitude was disrespectful.

I just cant stand your silence and indifference, it hurts more than anything else you could do.

Protecting one self

It had escaped my notice that there has been controversy recently over an article on CDD which has caused some ripples within the blogger community, some choosing for their blog to go private.  I only came accross this when reading Ward and June's blog and reading said article myself.

We dont practice CDD although discipline plays a part in our relationship, its more from an M/s structure which is different to how i percieve CDD, but it does bring about the issue of privacy and protecting ones self.

What i found uncomfortable about the article was the links it provided to blogs, if i was to come accross my blog in a link on an article slamming the lifestyle i lead then the first thing i would do would be to take my blog down.

The link to article i read

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/06/19/spanking-for-jesus-inside-the-unholy-world-of-christian-domestic-discipline.html

In my opinion this is not in any way because im ashamed of the way i live and nor do i think its allowing the media to 'win' its simply about being sensible and keeping safe, the risk of being 'outed' is very small (i would hope) but i also couldnt handle any potential backlash of attracting unwanted attention...and my Master wouldnt want me exposed to that either.

I think there needs to be sense of realism that ttwd in whatever form it may take ie whether it be DD or M/s based, they are generally not lifestyles that are understood from the eyes of those not living it, its also i think realistic to say that abuse does occur within these dynamics also..as it does in any relationship form..vanilla or otherwise....im not suggesting that this makes it ok or acceptable for ttwd to be slammed, its not.

Its conflicting because yes as a community i think its important to stand together, but its also knowing when to pick ones battles wisely, when the media decides to get its claws into something they can be brutal, what once they raved about, because it was 'fashionable' (think 50 shades) they can turn on just as quickly...

Soon they will get bored and they will move onto the next trend etc, but if the spotlight was on M/s or s/m and it was being slammed and they were linking to blogs..of which there may be a risk i could be one of them..you can be damn sure my priority would be protecting myself and avoiding the risk of the ripple effect where those closest to me could be affected.

It might be seen as cowardly, or seen as letting them win....i see it as safeguarding until one knows the lay of the land, i wont put my or those closest to me privacy at risk.

Its kind of bits and bobs

Its my day off...well technically im meant to be working from home..lots of paperwork, assesments, reports to do and im looking at them..but thats as far as i have got, but then its only 9.35 am and i need more coffee.

I never thought i would admit this but Mary Poppins has been a big help, even if her shit doesnt smell to everyone else......traitors!

im pretty sure this is recycled but why is it that i find i have less enthusiasm or inspiration to blog when things are all going really well? because i do have lots on my mind im just brooding on things, heck my draft folder is getting way out of hand....so im throwing out ones that will never get published, and slowly putting out ones that have been...some are kind of old, some im just well im just not happy with them.

and so yeah actually what im doing is putting off what i should be doing, and then later i will be moaning about leaving it until later when i could have had it done hours ago.

Going down

Its been a really busy time at work, ready for breaking up for the summer holidays in a few weeks, plus my son has been finishing up his GCSE's as its his last year at school before starting college in September and my daughter moves up to secondary school in September so they have had lots going on.

My daughter gave me a chuckle when she came home and informed me "mum, you know daniel at school?, his dad is half gay." so a conversation followed about the correct term being bisexual, and an explanation of what this means..i simply explained that its when someone is happy to have a relationship with either a man or a woman..to which she replied..

"why cant they just make their minds up and not be so fussy" and promptly went off to play.
..phew! but it made me think

I dont consider myself bisexual, although the bossman would disagree in that he says i am, and yes i have sexually been with women for his pleasure.  My point of view is that i would not seek out to be with a woman, for a relationship or intimately to be blunt i prefer cock, i can appreciate a good looking woman but i have not felt sexual attraction towards them.

What i have enjoyed on the times i have been with a woman (and its been years) is that its been about my Masters pleasure, he enjoyed watching, he especially enjoyed knowing that i found it distasteful but i would submit to this for him..to please him.

It took me out of my comfort zone, and that turned me on even though i didnt want it to, i wanted to prove to him that i wasnt wired that way, that being with a woman isnt for me, and its not....its simply his control over me and this being a demonstration of a way he could exert that control over me is what did it for me....and still does it for me....i simply enjoy knowing he can exert his will over me, even when i dont want to go where he takes me..wherever that might be...thats my enjoyment.

The road goes where you want it

Its not that i feel a need to defend the Bossman (ref the anonymous comment on last post) but i recognise that for sure it does happen....that submissive women (and men), those with little or no experience do get taken advantage of, in the beginning when starting out it is all new, i do get that one is desperate to put into practice their desires..and there are those out there ready to take advantage of that.

Master is older than me, by 14 years which really i dont consider a huge age gap, i think its perspective, if i was say 18 and he was 32 then yeah if it was my daughter i would have my concerns, but i was in my early 30's with a marriage behind me and rearing 2 children, Master was in his late 40's..so i think that puts that in perspective.

Master was at university when he first came to discover D/s and bdsm, with an older woman, he was 17/18 (he is 52 now) and he subbed to her, he said that he enjoyed it, and what he enjoyed was the power exchange..but he wanted to be on the other end...so he started topping her under her guidence...and thats how he began and continued down this path exploring.

So he started out at a young age, whereas me i was in my late 20's before i took the plunge into discovering this whole new world, being as its the age of the internet that was the obvious place to start, and had a brief dabble in the water with a dominant before meeting Master.

I sought out someone older and experienced on a bdsm website, InformedConsent which alas has now folded, because of my inexperience i naturally wanted someone that had plenty....and well i do like older men, ironically the bossman had tended to go for older woman with experience.....and he got me..Ha!

Has it been easier because of his experience? you know im not sure, in many ways i think yes but then sometimes i wander how nice it must be to start out in ttwd together, both discovering new experiences, but we are how we are...i wouldnt change that....and

no matter how anyone gets *here* as long as they are enjoying their journey together does it really matter who has travelled the longest? no

Its been a wanderful journey...long may it continue to be so

I have read a few posts recently regarding pushing limits, and i know i have blogged about this before.....heck im pretty sure im constantly coming around full circle with this blog.

I started off with the intention of more than likely going over whats already been said...and then....brainwave..i dug out old emails (which i had deleted) but had printed them out as i no longer use the original email address....and ta da i found them (although now i have boxes everywhere!)....now who says im not sentimental lol  It brought back wanderful memories re-reading them.

I entered this relationship and this lifestyle with a little, well a few months experience and a large amount of naivety, Master is the opposite, with over 30 years experience and plenty of confidence and he knew/knows what he wants and expects...me i wasnt so sure, i had a limit list , i knew what i didnt want to try but yet also didnt know what i did want.

Anyways ooh cringing but (and i have had to write this as i have got it to scan but i cant get it to go here..ok yes im crap with computers) here is an old email..crikey dated March 15th 2007.

______________________________________________________________________
Sir,

I have thought over what you said, and i dont know for sure, somethings i had to look on the internet about? can we talk about those? so i have gone with what doesnt interest me at all:

Needles........really scared of this...hard limit
Weights.....dont interest me
Being hit on or around face.....just wrong
Enemas....yuck
Toilet control in general and anything to do with that...yuck
Whips....so many im not sure but im thinking not!
Foot worship....yuck
Clamps down there.....no way
Electrical play....nope
Breath play...too dangerous
Being cut.....same as needles


    ___________________________________________________________


Now, i have experienced everything that is on that list and more, and what makes me chuckle is that the 2 things i really was adamant about not doing especially needles i now absolutley love, they are one of my favourite activities.

So i think sometimes letting things flow is the way to go, some times a push is needed, but mostly im more and more sure that placing limits on oneself is just limiting yourself to the possibilities out there, the potential of new experiences.

No im not saying hard limits shouldnt be respected, but had i stuck to my guns...well....lets just say im so glad he pushed, inspired and encouraged (and the odd moments of being forced)  me to look beyond my fears and embrace new experiences and i hope he continues to do so.

No negotiation, obedience

So this butt plug being inserted daily has been going well, i have enjoyed it, and then he decided its time to progress to the inflatable.....now i do detest this one, its on my list of things i would quite happily get rid of and not miss at all.

Its ok when not pumped up at all, one pump is ok, 2 is managable but getting uncomfortable, 3 (which im up to now) is horrid, its hurting, and i pleaded for mercy, that it was too much, could i stay at 2 pumps for a little while longer? and it was a no, i accepted that initially....coz for the most part i do strive to do as im told.

Yesterday i just couldnt cope with the full 15 mins, it hurt and i took it out before even 10 mins had passed, i informed him of this and got told to put it back in for 10 mins, and i didnt. Of course he asked later if i had done as instructed and i said that i hadnt, i explained that it was hurting and i didnt like it,  and hmm i made the mistake of using negotiation tactics.

I told him how about 10 mins at 2 pumps then 5 mins at 3 pumps, thats fair?

I knew what was coming, i know his trains of thoughts about this "slaves do not negotiate, they obey" (of course this is his expectations, not suggesting this is how it should be!)

Now before its assumed what a mean heartless bastard he is (although i wouldnt argue with that assesment at the moment) he knows, and is correct in his observations, that no i dont like the inflatable, and although its hurting i can handle it, i just dont want to, and im attempting to get out of it simply because i dont like it.

If it was genuinely causing me pain in a way that is not 'good' then he would be the first one to suggest going no further, but this is not the case.

But he does not like his property telling him what to do (i guess the satnav is an exception), he does not like negotiation, if im given an instruction its to be obeyed, unless there is a valid reason why i cannot.

I know this, and sometimes i get my knickers in a twist because i try to find an 'out', sometimes he finds this amusing, as i sit there coming up with all these (in my mind) valid reasons of why perhaps i couldnt or shouldnt do as he has asked.....and he shoots everyone of them down....because what he demands and expects is my obedience.

and sometimes i want to cry that its not fair, and im reminded that this is just the way it is...

and i wouldnt change this, i really wouldnt...but its not always easy, he has my submission, i just need to work on surrendering.....its not 'giving in' as such but rather its acceptance that if i wouldnt change how things are, and im so happy in this relationship then i need to let go....because we both know that ultimatley i will obey...its just up to me whether i make it the easier way or the hard way.

If they bring you down, let them go

Once a year i meet up with a bunch of old friends and we have a long weekend together, shopping, eating, lots of laughs, this year it was meant to be July but was brought forward to June and the dates clashed with my mums birthday party, so i am not able to go...its this coming weekend.

Now im not going to either.

We met up on Saturday my mother and i, to attend one of her many functions (i swear there is nothing she is not involved with!) this occassion was a church garden party to raise money to modernise the heating inside the church.

So i arrive, she spots me, grabs me by the arm, ushers me to one side and exclaims "you cant wear that dress, you wore that to Gaby's (my niece) christening".....which was 6 years ago! who the bloody hell would remember that, heck i dont remember that...my mother thats who.  Now she is in a flap, godforbid what if someone notices, what will they think...especially the vicar.....ooooh the shame! (yes im being sarcastic)

My son (whom i bribed into coming with me) is trailing behind, finding it funny, is wearing these bloody awful jeans which are half-way down his ass, what is it with that..i just want to yank them up..awful, a white t-shirt with ThugLife written in bold black letters on the front, trainers with the shoelaces hanging loose, and earphones stuck to his head....but thats acceptable!!!!

Me, im wearing a cream linen knee length dress, pale green sandals (oh yes with the matching bag) and im being told to go home and change, and normally you know i find myself doing as im told, i dont like the fuss, and boy does my mother take making a fuss to a whole other level.

But not this time, and i dont even have pmt to blame, i had had a shitty day on Friday and i guess this was the straw that broke the camels back...i said "no" walked past her and mingled, and she was livid, i stayed a couple of hours, aware of the constant glaring.

That evening she phoned, informing she expects a sincere apology for my disgraceful behaviour (defying my mother in her eyes is disgraceful behaviour) and i attempted to voice that i had done nothing wrong (ok i clearly committed a fashion crime!) but i was told i would be expected for lunch the next day where she would await my apology...to which i replied "you will be waiting a long time" put the phone down and burst into tears.

I feel ok about it now, i feel a sense of release, because i know my mother and she wont contact me, she could walk by me but wouldnt acknowledge me, (been there so many times before until i have relented, not this time) far too much pride,too stubborn, she has phoned both the children, i wouldnt intervene with that, whatever her relationship with me, as strained as it is, she is a good granny and loves the kids, and they her.

But im reminded of a saying

You can try your hardest,
you can do everything and say everything,
but sometimes people,
just arnt worth trying over anymore,
they arnt worth worrying about,
and its important to know when to let,
go of someone,
that only brings you down.

Im happy with that.

One day....

I have been thinking about sex a fair bit, more precisely brooding on my perceptions of it, brought about by reading some posts over the last few weeks.

Im concious that i didnt have a healthy view of sex, although its vastly improved to what it was, but still i have quirks that niggle me from time to time, a lot of the negative connotations i had with sex stem from my teens, and from the ex who as our relationship soured would taunt me with my lack of enthusiasm and skill in the bedroom.

By the time our relationship fully broke down and ended, my self esteem and confidence was rock bottom in regards to self image and sex, it was in a brief relationship with a dominant before i met Master and began exploring D/s and mild bdsm that i started feeling comfortable with sex, it was a revelation that it turned me on, that my body responded naturally when before it just didnt...this relationship ended for a few reasons...mostly we just wasnt compatible but it opened my eyes to what i wanted.

When i met Master and as our relationship started, his authority over me was established first, before sex, before any bdsm, we talked a lot, he got into my head long before he got into my knickers.  I was anxious about sex, i felt intimidated by him, although that was not his intention, he was/is just so confident, older, more experienced, and i felt inadequate, that i wasnt going to be good enough at sex for him.

Bdsm played a huge part in our relationship, along with humiliation and degredation, he quickly picked up that my inhibitions with sex were loosened the more humiliating and degrading treatment he dished out, for me it was a way of 'escaping' being stripped of self worth and dignity enabled me to fully let go and s/m gave me greater sexual satisfaction than actually having sex did.  I love it when im completely debased.

The problem, or perhaps problem isnt the apt word, was that having sex without it involving bondage or humiliating treatment i found difficult, i have never in the 6 years we have been together used the term 'making love' i like to be fucked, to be used, the more brutal it is the better.

I often analyse is this healthy.  Im better than what i was, im comfortable inititating sex now when less than 2 years ago i wouldnt, i dont have a high sex drive but i never refuse him, but that does not mean im not willing either.....i actually get off on the forced element of it so that in itself turns me on.

But the biggest thing for me is i can say i enjoy sex now, albeit yes i prefer a good beating, i am happy to just have sex without the element of bdsm and thats better for us both, im understanding and enjoying the intimacy of having just sex.

Master is the only man i have never had to use lubricant with, i still get amazed how easily i get turned on, how quickly i respond to him in non-sexual situations, im easily aroused and im embracing that even though sometimes i have this niggle in my head that i shouldnt get so turned on by the things we do, he has never made me feel ashamed, he embraces and encourages it.

So ok i might brood about it not being healthy or normal but im sexually confident, more than i have ever been and thats progress to me.

One day maybe i will be able to ask him to make love to me.

A new bloom

Yay back to work today and it was great to get back into the swing of things, to see the children who really touched me when they pulled out this huge card they had made for me to welcome me back, even if one of them wrote "I hate you for being poorly" i think thats his way to tell me he missed me, well i hope so! its been harder for him because im one on one with him and he is autistic so me being away he had to adapt to change which i know must have caused him distress....but it was a display of emotion and for him thats good...even if it was to say he hates me!

Im definitely ready to be back, i hadnt been adapting well to being diagnosed diabetic, it was and is getting my head around that im stuck with this, its not going to get better, i was falling back into old ways, my ocd with cleaning was getting back into old habits, but i was able to recognise this myself which is a good thing, and i knew i needed to get it sorted....i couldnt put my kids through again what i used to be like.

The bossman reminded me that im a strong intelligent woman and i can deal with this, and initially when he said this i didnt want to agree, i didnt feel strong, and to be honest with myself i didnt want to be, i went through a couple of days a few weeks ago where i rebelled against taking my injections and tablets...i know stupid!

I just had had enough, getting up in the morning, test blood, take tablet and inject, repeat at lunchtime, dinnertime and before bed.....i wanted it to go away...so yeah strong and intelligent? nope i sure as hell wasnt feeling that...and really doing something so stupid as stopping taking medication thats keeping me healthy (and alive) isnt the actions of a strong intelligent woman is it!

So yeah it was time to face up to the fact that i was slipping into depressive territory, i was putting on the 'outside' face for everyone but it was just a facade, and i felt pathetic, there are worse illnesses out there, im lucky mine is treatable as long as i do as im told.

And dammit im not going to let the bossman down or my children, , i can do this, so im back on track, im exercising (hate it), im cooking new healthier foods (kids hate this) and im going back to college in September......because i want the strong intelligent woman back that we know i am, ....i just feel like i seemed to have lost her somewhere along the way.

I could stay wrapped up in these moments forever

Its interesting, or rather it is to me that i realise how the environment im in influences my state of mind and therefore how well i respond to something (there are other factors), i have been stewing on this since the incident of me locking myself in the bathroom and the subsequent refusal to submit to a caning.

Especially as i do love the cane.

When we are in the room of doom, its purpose, his intent is pretty obvious..there will be pain and there is an immediate acceptance of that, there may be trepidation, a little fear but from the minute we are in there, the cuffs are attached..my head is there, ready.

There have been few times when i have acted so badly in the room of doom, but yes there have been times of 'fighting' him, attempts to refuse to submit but ultimately i always have...sometimes through force, but mostly i accept i have no choice but to surrender...he doesnt like force but will go down that route if necessary.

That time of the incident and other occasions where i have reacted so strongly to being beaten have been outside of the room of doom, usually the bedroom, im generally not restrained on these occasions, im not mentally in that place, it doesnt all come together for me like it does when im in the room of doom.

I dont always resist, those times are rare, but definitely i think there is a difference in my state of mind dependent on the environment.

I could never tire of being caned in the room of doom, not the canings i enjoy anyway, and he knows how i like it, and its my treat when he obliges, and after doing so well with the whippings i got my reward.

Its difficult to describe the sensations, im not a skilled writer either, i prefer to start straight with the cane, no other implement beforehand, and the strokes start off reasonably light to 'prepare' for harder strokes later on, i need the strokes to be rhythmic as in 1st stroke...1234...2nd stroke..1234 etc etc and this continues for perhaps the first 50ish.

Then they come harder, this is the more difficult stage i find where i struggle the most, the rhythm stays the same but the intensity is notched up and im more vocal at this point, but if i can ride it out then i know that wonderful bliss of subspace is around the corner, plus im terribly competitive with myself and like to keep count.....i get to around 200 and i can feel myself going under.

When im there in that place, they come down really hard, pace still the same, but the pain doesnt register anymore, the only way i can describe it is that there is just this sensation of thudding that i can feel, he could speak but i wouldnt hear, im just so focused on these amazing sensations, its not unusual for me to orgasm when i get to this point.

and then he stops, and im angry, i want more, i dont want to be removed from my happy place, and i beg for more, but as is happening a lot lately when i have a long caning, my ass, thighs are a mess, much more would leave scars and he wont go there.....when im in that place though...i will, i dont care, i just want to go on, i am in no fit state of mind to know my own limitations, i trust him to know them for me.

I realise that much later when i have 'come down'.

 he  moves in front of me and whilst im still restrained uses my mouth, and i eagerly suck, i have had my release its time for his.

I dont want to be tended to immediately i like to look in the mirror when he unties me, see the blood trickling, feel the welts, skin feels so rough but yet tender, i love this moment, i love that he gives this to me, that he can give me these experiences, i love the intimacy between us at these moments....and i will never tire of them.