Let the sparks fly

Its my birthday the end of next month and the bossmans 2 days later, im hoping i will be allowed to choose to do something i really like and then for his birthday well as is normal he will do whatever he likes.  I think im going to opt for electrics, its not something that we do regularly.

Electrical play is something i enjoy, we have tens machine, violet wand and a zapper, i dont like the zapper but the other 2 i have had great experiences with ranging from being really pleasurable to extremely painful all dependent on a turn of a dial, im really wanting a temporary brand from the violet wand, and then perhaps move onto a permenant mark of ownership.

The violet wand is very stimulating and looks pretty too lol, but looks can be deceiving as enjoyable as it can be and it is really, gives the most intense pleasurable sensations, its also capable of bringing about agonising pain.  I prefer the pleasurable sensations this gives more than the painful, i do think though it has to be one of the more versitile 'sex toys' out there especially if you like experimenting with pain/pleasure, the variety of attachments that acheive different results is amazing.

But the most amazing thing about it has to be the transference of electricity to his hand and other 'toys', and when he brushes his hand over me its a tingling sensation a very nice one, you can experience electrified flogging, caning and even kissing.

The tens machine is the same in that it can go from pleasurable to painful very quickly, but it doesnt have the same versatility as the wand, i prefer it when the pads are on my pussy rather than my nipples, its a throbbing sensation that builds up as the knob is turned up on the control box....too high its just agony and not in a way thats enjoyable..not for me anyway.  I think, no i know he enjoys seeing me go from "ooh yes" to full on screaming, its the torment of it i think i do enjoy though, in a way thats different from using the normal implements.

The zapper is just something i wouldnt mind if it it never came out to play again and its not that its extremely painful of the 3 i would say the least so, i cant even describe exactly what i dislike about it, its not sensual whereas the others can be, it just shocks....so that one can stay away as far as im concerned.

Rome wasnt built in a day

There have been some interesting thoughts going on around blogland this past week and i have been trying so hard not to get myself into that overthinking state of mind, plus i have been pre-occupied with work and thats been my primary focus....and well being honest im really finding it hard to focus on blogging, i feel like i have nothing left to say but yet plenty that im thinking about and im struggling to make coherrent posts....so many added to the 'vault' its getting quite full.

I have been thinking about overthinking which seems to be a common trait with submissives, and the struggles that come with relinquishing control and submitting, i can only speak for myself but i do believe its natural because its not the norm in todays society plus us humans are complex characters with a range of emotions.

Happygirl (a submissive friend) suggested that perhaps i should find it easier because the bossman and i started off as Dom/sub but i dont believe this to be true, or rather i dont think its a question of being easier or more difficult just different.  It was difficult in the beginning because i would wander if i was as 'good' as his previous subs, would i be enough for him and he was demanding and still is in his expectations of me although i have to say also patient when i still have moments of doubt.

His control was established from the very start albeit in stepping stones as the relationship progressed so did his level of control over me, there needs to be that build up of trust which takes time, i didnt fight against being controlled initially because thats my first 'love' its when it starts getting more intense or perhaps more acurratley when it creeps into territory which doesnt 'fit' with how i viewed being dominated.

So i would try to get him to dominate me how i wanted to be dominated still do try at times  so when he would knock that straight on the head the natural instinct was to fight against it which defeats the object of  wanting to be controlled, i would get defensive, stroppy and it brought about a discussion between us about the expectations each of us had.  He very bluntly made it clear that he was my Master, not my lover/partner, and although its a relationship its one where the foundations of it are TPE and i needed to think very carefully about what i wanted because he was aiming for enslavement.  That discussion was i think in the first year we were together.

That may sound harsh, i know i thought it was at the time but its what i needed to hear, he is my Owner, he loves me and i love him but my obedience, serving and pleasing him is priority..what do i get out of it?  contentment, im happy, safe and secure because his control provides me with what i need, i thrive on it.  Its not always easy, i thought it would be, he instructs and i obey, writing it is easy, in practice there are too many ranges of emotions and conflicts to take into account, but anything worth having and holding onto is worth putting the effort into and well as is said "Rome wasnt built in a day".

Submissive guide bloghop challenge #13

So i dont usually partake in this because i tend to write whatever blurb is running through my head at the time but i figured why not...plus im in need of inspiration, its a subject i have blogged about before on a few occassions as my thoughts have changed over the years so if you get a sense of deja vu...you know why!

http://www.submissiveguide.com/2012/10/submissive-guide-blog-hop-challenge-13-using-safewords/

Anyway the topic:

Do you have a safeword? When was the last time you used it? Are you afraid to say your safeword for fear of appearing weak? What are your indicators that a scene has gone too far and you need to safeword?

No we dont use a safeword, we did in the beginning as we was learning about each other and/or more specifically i was discovering s/m and was completley unsure of my pain threshold, we have been together near on 6 years now.

I do not think having a safeword or using one makes anyone weak, and nor do i think not having one makes people 'better' or more experienced, or more trusting, its something that really is between the people involved, when i asked to give up my safeword it involved a lot of discussion between us.

We on occassion play to the harder end of the bdsm spectrum, which you would think is more important to have a safeword in place, however often i am in restrictive bondage and hooded with no means of verbalising a safeword, having something in my hand to drop would be pointless if i was suspended, i need to grip the bar in the cuffs plus i'd keep dropping it.

Also when im in subspace im beyond being able to judge how much i can handle taking, there have been occassions i havent wanted him to stop because i want more and he has had to because going further would cause damage in a way we both dont want.  Often im beyond being able to verbalise anything as im in my own little bubble.

These situations require my Master be extra vigilant, to pause and 'check-in' with me constantly, to ensure that i am safe, to monitor the whole 'scene', my responses etc, sometimes having a safeword can be relied on too much and it can happen that the dominant may not be as vigilant as he should be because he is reliant on the sub to utter a safeword if anything is wrong, more important than any safeword is the dominant being in control of the scene and the submissive, checking circulation, etc.

Of course a safeword isnt exclusive to s/m it may be any scene which the submissive could find emotionally overwhelming and too much.  I have wandered if i did have a safeword could i have potentially missed out on some great experiences because there have been situations whereby if i had one i would of used it.

This has been when i have been scared, its when its been something new and im unsure and i dont want to do it, i have needed that push, to be given no choice (i do get off on being pushed past my comfort zone) whether it be s/m or any other 'scene'. 

Ultimately though a safeword IMO is not a subsitute for trust, with or without a safeword you need to have trust in each other.

Well maybe just a little bit guilty

Just got back from the gym to find my mate has left me a huge slab of chocolate cake, and yes im sat  eating the whole lot with a portion of ice cream..ok maybe half the tub is more than a portion..i think i have just defeated the purpose of going to the gym!  oh.

A blob of modelling clay

I used to think that manipulation in D/s was not a good thing, the whole idea of being manipulated just conjures up negative imagary, but he does manipulate me but like an artist with clay, my submission is moulded, shaped, stretched, bits removed, maybe bits added until we are both happy with the results.

I am pliable under his hands, he knows where to press to get me where he wants, he reads me so well i cant deny him but i cant deny myself either, i want to, i dont always want to admit i enjoy some of the things he does to me or has me do but we both know i love it no matter how much i protest otherwise.

These relationships can be so intense the lines between right and wrong can appear blurry, he has taught me that that there is nothing wrong with my desires even though some of them disturb me, my submission to him is unconditional and i know he wouldnt abuse that, use it and manipulate it to his advantage yes.

But im willing and complicit, my own mind is capable of thinking up the most nastiest of ways for him to hurt and debase me and he draws them out and has never made me feel shamed by what thoughts are in my head, he encourages them and sometimes he makes them reality.

Dont always enjoy the reality as much i enjoy what i thought in my head, i dont, i tell him that and he laughs...we both know thats not the truth.

Not on the weekend

I rarely post, usually got too much going on, but this weekend everyone has something going on apart from me, so i did what i do best when im upset and stressed, i cleaned the house, started at just after 9 am when they all left to do what they all are doing and didnt stop.  Did the shopping list for next week, i swear if there are any complaints about my choices of dinner next week, knife play is going to take on a whole new meaning, im the one bloody cooking it so the complaining stops now..dont like it, cook for yourself.

So im having a coffee break, im trying not dwell on whats been going on work wise (i will update when i know more), im thinking about my mum and my relationship with her which isnt that great, i wish it wasnt like this, im envious of those that have a close mother/daughter bond, my mum and i cant spend too long in each others company before we are at each others throats.

When i was a 9 years old my mum had an affair, she would take me and my brother who was 11 with her when she went to meet this man, he lived close to a playground, she would drop us there while she went and seen him.  As children we had no clue to what was going on (well i certainly didnt) i was just delighted to be able to go to this huge park that was far from where we lived. 

My dad ran a bar, he worked long hours, often coming home in the early hours, i do remember one night waking up and going downstairs, opening the lounge door and then they were, my mum and this man on the sofa in a state of undress.  My mum told me i wasnt to tell daddy, and i guess at that age you do what your told, i think maybe i knew it was wrong but i wasnt mature enough to understand completley.

My dad eventually found out, a friend of his told him, it was the classic scenario of everyone knew but him, it destroyed him, they got divorced, my mum and this man got together as a couple, still are together now, but i hated my mum, i blamed her for my dad leaving, it drove a wedge between us especially as i entered those awkward teen years and its still there today.

As i grew up i was able to see things with a more adult point of view, i can understand what drove her to have the affair, my dad was and is a wanderful man, a great dad but he wasnt a great husband, he loved her, and was faithful but he was married to the bar, along came someone who showed my mum some attention, took her out, appreciated her, i can understand that.

I changed again when i had children of my own, it gave me another perspective, i couldnt do to my children what she did to me and my brother, i dont mean having the affair but involving us, telling me to not tell daddy what i saw, i know thats wrong now when i didnt then, moving the new man in 3 days after my dad left and expecting us to just accept him and be nice when our whole world as children had been turned upside down.....i cant forgive her for that.

So its there between us, unresolved and unspoken, i think now im bitter that she has re-invented herself, she sits in judgement of other people, of me and the choices i make, im not perfect, i have made mistakes, ones im not proud of, im no angel and nor am i sitting in judgement of those having affairs, this isnt about that.  She sits there moaning about her nephew whose marriage has just ended because he was having an affair, preaching about how youngsters have no commitment these days, and i want to scream at her, tell her to look in the mirror..but i dont, because really desperatley i want to build a relationship with her before its too late.

To clarify..i am not judging, this is me thinking about me and my mum, nothing more.

Thankyou sincerely

All for the supportive comments on my last post, i believe that any responsible adult would have done the same thing in those circumstances.

I have spent most of the day in meetings with a solicitor and the school board so feel a bit better about where i stand, on a legal front she has no basis to make a claim against me or the school as it can be proven that i acted on the childs best interest, she (the mother) would have to prove that coercian was used by me on the child.  I will never moan about doing paperwork again (well at least for a few weeks) because its the form filling etc that i had to do at the time of the incident that has backed my actions up, i acted on the best interests of the child which has been drilled into me on every course i have taken.

Its shook me up a lot and made me question how i could have handled it differently, being more calm now i can have a certain amount of sympathy for the mother, not knowing what mental as well as physical abuse she sufferred at the hands of her (now ex) husband, but as always my responsibility and obligations will always be with the child.

There is nothing i can do now but wait to see if there is a response to the letter sent on my behalf from the solicitor and school board.  Perhaps knowing that there is no valid cause for complaint the issue will dropped, there should not have been one in the first place, but i cant speak for her state of mind.

Fucking unbelievable

I was up extra early for me this morning so i started to write a post, it was a beautiful morning, and i got a bit of housework done before sitting in front of the pc with a coffee, by the time i left for work i felt i had achieved quite a bit, certainly less to do when i got home.  The good day ended about an hour after starting work.  I work with children that have special educational needs or/and behavioural problems.

In the early part of last year a situation arose with a male child (aged 7) he exhibited behavioural and emotional problems long story short he kicked off before a PE (physical education) refusing to change into his kit and participate.  I sat with him talking, trying to get to the bottom of what the issue was, eventually i pursuaded him to put on his coat and we would go out and watch, as he reached up for his coat, his shirt rose and there were bruises on his back.

I asked him if his back was hurting as i could see a bruise, he quickly became agitated, crying and saying that he was being good, my mistake was asking him if i could look at the bruises to see if i could make them better.  He removed his shirt and oh jesus, bless him he was covered, it was very clear he had been beaten, i just sat him on my lap and held him until he calmed down assuring him it would all be ok.   The mistake (in hindsight) was that we were alone in a changing area together.

The correct measurements were taken and it all came out that the father was abusive to the mother (she knew) and another older sibling.  Social services were informed and the police.

I received a letter today via the school (the school also received a duplicate copy) that the mother has sought legal advice because of the upset and damage that has been caused by social services and police to her family and her argument being that i should not have been alone with him in a room, and have him remove his shirt without a witness which was against 'child safety and protection' regulations...she wants compensation.  The letter ends with her stating that he family life is no one elses business!  she wants an apology...basically the argument is it never would have come out if i had not had him remove his shirt.

The school supports me 100%, it may come to nothing, but in the meantime its the uncertainty, but most of all im angry that i potentially in worst case scenario could lose my job because of my concern for a child, im angry that this women is more concerned with the "upset and damage" than the welfare of her son.

I will not apologise, i did the right thing in the wrong circumstances, yes another adult should have been present, i made a bad error of judgement because my concern was immediatly for this childs welfare.

It feels like Groundhog Day

This whole being owned concept is something mostly i embrace, its more than the kink we do, it slowly pours into all the little cracks and crevices, his ownership surrounds me and somewhere along the way i realised that its just there, it effects my decisions, what i think, my actions, i am consumed by serving him.

I used to think it very one sided, i would argue the unfairness with him when he would make a decision i didnt like (im still working on that!) the scales do tip in his favour but its a power exchange, im getting as much out of this relationship as he is albeit in different ways.  What i used to think suffocating i now find comforting, his control brings me security because its unwavering and absolute, it leaves me with no doubts about who is in charge no matter what obstacles i might try to place in his path.

Really i think after all these years it should be easy and some parts have gotten easier, im at ease with this path of slavery, thats not to say i dont have struggles, i do but im more prepared to face them rather than try to bury them and pretend they dont exist.  Im still learning, i never want to stop learning, i dont try to strive for perfection anymore, perfection does not exist, he only ever asks for my best, to give him my all and if thats good enough for him then it should be for me.

I love the kink side, its a huge part of our dymanic but its not what defines us and its taken me such a long time to realise that, i always have felt more submissive after a beating or being humiliated, but i would throw it all away tomorrow just so long as i have his control, my obedience and pleasing him is more important...its what makes me most happy...its what makes us both happy.

Being owned allows me to be me, its freeing, there is nothing i need to keep from him, or could try to..he sees through me, its not glamorous, its not easy, its not constant sex or s/m, sometimes its so mundane its almost vanilla.  Sometimes i feel like an elastic band and that he is stretching me too far and eventually i will break, and sometimes i complain im not getting stretched enough, i need to stop that and let it flow....instead of thinking elastic...think a piece of string with no idea of how long it is but it doesnt matter as wherever the end is he is at.

There is no set pace, sometimes it feels like im going full speed ahead, no looking back, other times its like im stuck in reverse and then there are times its just a smooth journey, but i do think its good to look back especially when i feel stuck in reverse because i can see just how far i have come, the years have gone by so quickly, i have grown as a person, as his slave and im only just beginning to realise how much of an impact his ownership has on me, whats important and what isnt.

I just need to 'be' and being is whatever he decides it is.  So why the hell is it just so damn difficult at times? maybe i make it more complicated than it needs to be? i over-analyse too much?  its like bloody Groundhog Day really it is, i think i should just repost this post every day and maybe it will actually sink in that im doing ok with it all.....mostly.

I reserve the right to forget i ever wrote this post and go back to over-analysing and making it more complicated than it needs to be.

Totally vanilla rambles

I have noticed that in the last few months i have been getting a lot of spam on the blog, thankfully blogger is doing its job and it goes straight to the spam folder but what im finding odd is the type of spam im getting.....kitchen equipment!!

Today i had spam with the usual "great post come check out my blog and..."....see the range of breadmakers! not that i have anything against breadmakers..well actually i do, i have one and am yet to get a decent loaf out of it but really where is the connection? i could understand if i talked baking a lot..coz its not just breadmakers, i have had one about ovens, ice cream makers and i think my personal favourite impaired mobility equipment, ok so i know the bossman is getting on a bit but he isnt quite that far gone...and i dont think there is anything out there to cure excessive grumpiness.

Well actually its quite apt at the moment as we are having a new kitchen fitted, once i have decided on the units, tiles and colour i would like but i have been told i have to make a final decision by the end of this month, so i have been searching online and in brochures in the evenings and there is simply to much choice....im really not good with choices..i know what will happen....it will come down to "its either this one or that, 2 choices" and i will still be standing there deliberating.

I like the idea of bright colours but then i also like natural wood its timeless, maybe natural wood with bright coloured tiles? i dont know, talking of wood i have found a new hobby..chainsaw carving..i made a mushroom, ok so it doesnt stand up without support but you can see its a mushroom you just have to open your mind to see it.

Sexualising pain

I have always maintained that i dont have a high sex drive, and i dont, i have never considered sex an important part of our relationship, and it bears no relevance on my submission by that i mean there are many elements that i consider important parts of my submission sex is not one of them.  However saying that im very easily aroused and can remain in a constant state of arousal for long periods of time without relief, this is not always a pleasant experience but its not sex i seek for out for relief but pain when this happens which is quite often, and it can be the most simple of triggers that set me off.

When we engage in s/m sex may happen inbetween or afterwards but its not expected, thats to say s/m is not a form of foreplay, s/m in itself sates my arousal and the orgams from pain are more intense than during sex, the high afterwards is better and lasts a lot longer than really great sex, i can be buzzing for days after a heavy session.  But what is it about pain that causes this immense pleasure and for masochists like myself cause the body to respond as though it were being sexually stimulated.

Ok the science bit....pain, violence, sex and love are all associated with the release of chemicals and hormones....

endorphins: are released by pain experiences and are pleasurable and can be seen as addictive which is why generally masochists seek that 'high' and sometimes need to go further as their body adjusts to a level of pain, they need more to get those further 'kicks'

testosterone: can be temporarily effected by s/m experiences, with dominants often getting raised levels

seratonin and melatonin: brain chemicals which are effected by emotional and stressful experiences

epinephrine and norepinephrine: are released during stressful and painful experiences and can cause a pleasureable 'rush'

I guess thats one explanation of why i am like i am that i can find, because im constantly seeking an answer to explain why i enjoy pain but i think there is more to it than the scientific reasons and perhaps those answers lie in in the psychological side.

I wouldnt want to be hurt (in the context of s/m) by someone that genuinely took no enjoyment from it, and i need to be dominated, knowing that from the moment the 'scene' starts i have absolutley no control thats probably the most important element to me, (not all masochists are submissive and vice versa).   I like the security of bondage during s/m, being restrained and especially hooded make for a more intense experience and adds to the build up as i like to be like this, waiting for whatever is coming and knowing im helpless..i love being vunerable.

There is also a connection between us as we prepare for a 'session', during s/m and afterwards that is more intimate than sex, perhaps its that im more exposed to him emotionally and physically, perhaps its the vunerability.  He enjoys the fact that the more he hurts me most especially when its pain im not liking the more aroused i get, my body betrays me and i begrudgingly admit i do enjoy it more when im taken beyond my comfort zone albeit mostly afterwards when im stated.

Im past analysing why i need and prefer pain over sex, but would be lying if i said it didnt trouble me at times, it does, i have wandered if its a way of compensating for my insecurity and lack of confidence with sex, i know i dont have a healthy view of sex.  I enjoy it and we do have a healthy sex life but then i dont enjoy it so much unless im being hurt, humiliated or at bare minimum restrained....im not sure thats healthy.

Consent

I have anon (from previous post) to credit with this post, consent within D/s and bdsm.

Common dictionary definition:

to permit, approve or agree, comply or yield

There is also informed consent:

indicates that the consent a person gives meets certain minimum standards, an informed consent can be said to have been given based upon a clear appreciation and understanding of the facts, implications, and future consequences of an action

Obviously i consented to be in this dynamic, there was discussions about initial expectations, what we both wanted to get from the relationship, it wasnt full on 24/7 slavery from day one, it was gradual, like most relationships learning about one another as regular people and as Dominant and submissive.  I realise now that the understanding and implications of giving consent is only truely realised when trust is firmly established and that i dont believe happens overnight either, it takes time...lots of time.

I can only base my opinions as always on my own experiences.  As we ventured further and our dynamic shifted after much discussion between us to M/s the understanding of my giving consent was a hot subject.  Informed consent is probably more apt in these circumstances, there needs to be a clear understanding of what im consenting to, hence the 'informed' part, if im trusting this man, which i do, to take control of me in every and any way he wants the expectations of each of us needs to be clearly discussed and understood.

It is not a time to play the 'Master' card of "you will just obey me without question always" sod that, you need to be able to ask questions, no matter how trivial, i wanted and needed to know that in giving my consent i understood the implications of what im doing and that giving my consent will not be abused, it means being able to communicate freely, to be sure that he will listen to my concerns and consider how his decisions, rules and overall control will effect me throughout our relationship.

In giving my consent i am agreeing that i trust him to decide what is best for me and for us, it means that i am not choosing when i want to submit or how, it does not mean losing my voice or following blindly. 

Its not easy, sure there are things that sometimes i dont want to do, mostly within bdsm but it would get kind of tiresome and defeat the purpose of M/s if he continually asked my consent for everything he wanted to do that i didnt like.  My submission isnt mine to dictate, i have chosen, because i trust him to guide me where he wants me and this is what i want and need, withdrawing my consent just because i dont want to do something would rock the very foundations of our relationship.

Does this mean he never makes mistakes, or makes a decision that doesnt turn out for the best? nope, he is human and there have been blips along the way....but every blip is a learning curve.

So when anon asked "does he know the difference between consent and abuse"? yes he does, we both do, abuse would imply no consent or a lack of informed consent and as an adult of sane mind im fully able to comprehend what giving my consent means......because shock..horror..we talk and listen to each other..its called communication.

Learning lessons the hard way

I knew he was tired it had been a long day and mentally exhausting, and i should have been more considerate but i wasnt and im not proud of that, i was horny and wanting pain, so i asked nicely if he would hurt me, i didnt get much of a response a grunt would be more accurate, i should have given up at that point but nope not me i was on a mission..so resort to begging not getting anywhere, so by the time we retired to bed for the evening i had pretty much given up until "on your back and open your legs"

He grabbed the hairbrush off the bedside table and whack on my pussy, oh bugger not my favourite thing so i go to grab a pillow to muffle my screams but he told me no, that i was to lie there still and quiet, a few more and i close my legs instinctively he isnt being light handed.   Now he is not amused, the playful look in his eyes gone, now cold and harsh "if you cannot obey, you will suffer more" im really not good at keeping still and i tried but a couple more and i shut my legs again...this is responded with the brush coming down hard on my thigh, so i turn over to escape and he rains down more on my ass until i cover myself with the duvet.

I know he is not pleased with me and when he lies down onto the bed i go to kiss him but he pushed me away, that hurts more than any physical pain, so i lie there next to him rejected and im sorry, i pestered him to hurt me and i got what i asked for yet couldnt obey, he breaks the silence by telling me to go kneel in the bathroom.  As im knelt there im sure he is going to piss on me, which mostly i love but in these circumstances not so much, the waiting isnt nice and when he does appear i crawl to his feet telling him im sorry.

He kneels down in front of me, which throws me i was pretty damn sure of what he was going to do and now im unsure "kneel up and open your legs wide" and i obey instantly although im scared because i dont know where his mind is going and then i see the needles in his hand.

There a larger gauge then im used to and im getting the lesson now, im going to have to keep still because i know where the needles are going and down there is not somewhere i want them hitting the wrong target if i move suddenly, dont suceed on the being quiet part and scream as the needle is pushed through.

After he stands and uses my mouth for his pleasure, no release for me, but its done and i have learnt my lesson.

Oh the embarrasment.

Everyone must have those moments when they wish the ground would swallow them up on the spot, surely?  I had one last night and im still mortified about it.  Im terrified of spiders..yeah i know they cant hurt you (im in the uk no deadly ones) but i dont care..they are evil.

So im sitting in the dining room filling out some risk assessments for work in my dressing gown having not long got out the bath, when i notice movement out the corner of my eye..a large house spider working its way up the sleeve of my dressing gown....so i did what any normal person would do...pulled off the dressing gown all the while screaming like a banshee (what the hell is a banshee?..pass) and there stood in the doorway is my son with 2 of his mates ...and im naked.

So what to do? well i cant pick the dressing gown up obviously..its contaminated by a spider..so i run past them (still naked) up the stairs into bedroom to  hide my mortification, my son is far from impressed which i can understand but i can hear his mates laughing..bastards!

Im meant to be taking them rugby tonight, oh god! im not sure i can face them all..especially as to my sons horror (and mine) one of the mates relayed the 'incident' on facebook, and well the amount of comments even from people i work with!..i know everyone is meant to have their '5 mins of fame' but i didnt anticipate this being mine....the idea of becoming a hermit is getting more appealing by the minute.

Arranged kidnapping..its the fear

Friday we was chatting to a pro Domme (lets call her Mrs A) friend of ours and one of the areas she specialises in is arranged kidnappings along with her partner whom is a pro Dom and she was telling us about a kidnapping scene that was going ahead that evening, they are also a lifestyle couple.

Anyway the kidnapping was going to be outside McDonalds, the police have to be informed and its all done very efficiently, the 'victim' is a femsub and although she knew that she was going to be kidnapped she was oblivious to when it would be, could be weeks, months after first agreeing to this scenario.  She is then taken to a dungeon and interrogated by her Dom whom had arranged it all.

When Mrs A was telling us this i kept glancing at Master to gauge his interest because the idea of being kidnapped holds no appeal to me at all even if deep down i knew it was arranged, thankfully he said it did not hold an interest for him either.  I do like the idea of having an interrogation 'scene', being tortured etc but Master said one threat of the whip and you would spill all..ok he has a point there! but still i think it could be fun.

Mrs A was explaining that for the 'victims' who are kidnapped its the fear they enjoy, having no idea when its going to happen and when it does although deep down they know its been set up there is still that anxiety, and some really put up a good fight.  I do get the fear element, being afraid of the bossman is a huge turn on even though i know im safe the fear is very real its all associated with being completley vunerable for me which i enjoy.

Its a common fantasy, well it certainly keeps Mrs A busy she does on average 4 a month, its similar to 'fantasy rape' i imagine which is something i find very appealing, to have sex when i really dont want to, being completley taken by force and unprepared....the closest we have got is when he tied me down and fucked my ass brutally with very little lube, i was whimpering and when he pulled out i screamed at him not to stop..so he didnt..yummy..but what i desire is to be wanting him to stop and he doesnt.

I probably should be careful what i desire.

Its easier to 'let go' here

Is it strange that often i find it easier to write here about things and what i feel than i do talking face to face with the bossman, sometimes im more open and expressive here and he picks up 'issues' or/and things that need to be adressed through what i write....things that other readers may not think nothing of he sees more.

We talk, of course we do, about a lot of things, but i really dont do the whole 'opening up' thing, i have to be coaxed when it comes to feelings, thats not to say i have lots of 'issues' but those i do have keep me held back and its been an ongoing battle for years......i have this block in my wall that i wont budge and i dont want it to either because if it goes then it leaves me defenceless and i equate that with being weak..even though the reality is slavery isnt about weak if anything it makes one stronger..i just cant get there yet.

He knows what this block is, we both do, i place the responsibility at his feet that he has made me like i am, he has created this person that blogs here, its easier to deflect it onto him because then i dont feel i have to take responsibility for being who i am and doing the things i do...its easier to say "he makes me" or "i do it because it pleases him" he says im in denial...he is probably right.  

Its said submission is a gift, (although personally i dont follow that train of thought) but sometimes it feels more like a curse.

To be loved like this isnt wrong

We had a lovely evening, went out for a nice meal, both tired but not too tired to have some 'play' when we got back which ended with him pissing over me in the shower which i love.

As i stand up to shower he removes the needles from labia and tits and i watch the blood wash away with the shower water, i find that such an arousing sight, he stands up and washes me, soaping my marked and sore tits, over the whip marks, these same hands that bring me pain now so tender.

He stands behind me, telling me to look in the mirror, im covered, bruises starting to form, whip marks, cuts on my tits, using his fingers he brings me to orgasm, "I love you" he says and i reply "even like this?" its odd for me but i was feeling vulnerable and needing re-assurance which i dont generally, not in these circumstances, he turns to face me "especially like this".

Showered and dried we go to bed, watch a little television nestled into him, before falling asleep in his embace feeling safe and loved.

Thats about as romantic as i can get.

Why fight the inevitable?

No matter that i knew he would not be persuaded otherwise, no matter that i knew this was coming a few weeks back and i have had time to get my head around it, i still tried to get out of it, after coming down from the caning i had the whip to face.

I tried distracting him with offering him sexual relief, ("afterwards") pleading that i really, really didnt want to be whipped ("I know, but you are going to be") and in a last ditch attempt to delay a little longer i asked for more water...my mind thinking how long can i make this bottle of water last?  he conceded to the water but took the bottle from me when he realised my intentions, and he had to ask (like i really want to make that decision!) "front or back first, you choose?" 

I chose back first, i was hoping that if i really struggled and got myself worked up then he may show some mercy and not whip me on the front, he secured the ankle and wrist cuffs to the chains and a strap accross my lower back onto the cross all the while i was still trying to talk him out of it..hey im a big believer in hope.

He started with the leather multi-tailed whip and this is bearable but its still got one hell of a sting, then a rubber multi tailed whip which is when i started to get very aggressively verbal "bastard" and "twat" came up a lot along with "i hate you"..he doesnt pay any mind when i get like this during s/m in fact he laughs which just makes me more incensed.

Then the single tail which is without a doubt my nemesis, previous times coming up against this have not been at all a pleasant encounter, 3 strokes in and im trying to undo the cuffs, screaming at him that i want off the damn cross...4 has been the most i have got to on previous occassions with this particular whip and he lands another one before stopping to check in.

This is the difficult part which perhaps is difficult to understand and can be seen perhaps as pushing me to far or having no concern for my well being, but for those that read this far please understand that i need this 'treatment', crave it even and he is experienced in what he is doing and he knows me well, better than i know myself. 

He stops and stands beside me, im tearful and im begging that i really cant handle more, also when he attached the cuffs to the chain they were low down on the chain, enough for me to be able to use one hand to reach accross and undo the cuff on the other wrist and as he is talking, calming me down, im pulling the cuff off, im determined i am getting off this cross. 

Its a blur now, what he was saying, i remember calming and without resistance from me he re-secures the cuff and moves both arms up higher on the chain so there is no possible way for me to get free of them, i ask to be gagged and he inserts a penis gag into my mouth the penis gag specifically i find comforting, it gives me something to clamp my mouth down on, and i grip so tightly onto the cross and wait.

Just 3 more he says, then 3 on the front and its over.  I can do this, i will for him and with these 3 im not struggling and fighting them as much, its hurting a lot i cant deny that, i hear him tell me how pleased he is and what a good girl i am, he stops and i put 2 fingers up (no not in that way!) "you want more" he says and i nod, he obliges and then again i indicate for more, 3 more in quick succession and i have had enough, i dont need to indicate he knows and he takes me down.

I had my limits pushed and the high that gave me afterwards is just an amazing feeling one that i really dont think i can attempt to verbalise, i took more for him, i wanted and needed to suffer for him and i loved that i did this for him and thats what gives me great satisfaction and pleasure...that and the tell-tale dripping between my legs.

(oh and i didnt escape the 3 on the front)

Now im craving more.