I am allowed to ask if i want to masturbate and sometimes it will be a simple yes or no and then there are the times he will say "what can you offer me in return?". One of his favourite things is when i ask or beg for something i outright dislike or i struggle with and when he makes this request it has to be either of these.
This request makes me have to think of his pleasure before mine, but also challenges me to think of something that he finds appealing, the more creative the better as this will please him more. It doesnt have to be pain related it can be something humiliating, it can be something we have done before but i have really struggled with, its difficult to have to decide your own 'fate' more so when it has to be something disliked but yet its also very much a turn on.
I love feeding his sadism or being the filthy slut he likes to treat me as, but i have to be wary of not biting off more than i can chew, when i make an offer and he accepts it there is no going back....it will happen. Its these times that make me address areas i struggle in and the very fact that im asking for 'it' is the icing on the cake for him.
Sometimes the list of my offerings build up (which it is at the moment) and i know my immediate future is going to involve a session getting through them, this fills me with dread but also a sense of achievement that slowly im confronting those things i dislike/struggle with.