Tuesday, 24 January 2012

the aftermath

What has pissed me off and still is to a certain extent is a few things. Firstly i remember saying to you right back when we first became involved that i needed you to be hard on me because if i knew i could get away with things or get out of something then i would try my damndest to do so...in fact i wrote about this on the blog back in 2007 a quote from it "i know if im not corrected/punished harshly the first time and it does need to be harsh then the behaviour wont stop". So i feel like its not all my fault and the sole blame shouldnt lie at my feet for my behaviour, now after a few years its going to be difficult for me to change, i will do my best to because i want to please you and also because i dont want a repeat of the weekends experiences but being realistically the chances are im going to need the occassional hard reminder.

This was the first occassion it felt (because it was) like real punishment, in hindsight yes i do know i deserved it your my Owner and you deserve to be spoken to with respect and i should obey you immediatley without question...but you should have put a stop to this much earlier and not let it get this far. Secondly after the dungeon visit i felt like i wasnt good enough for you and nothing i say or do pleases you, i wanted to scream at you to find someone else that could please you better than i do because you dont make me feel like i do a very good job of it but i was scared of being whipped more but that is how i felt. I needed to hear something anything positive to make me feel that the whipping was worth it and that i did please you and i could be a good slave but no you couldnt even give me that comfort...as much as i need you to be harsh with me i also need to know you care and on leaving that dungeon i didnt feel like you did.

On the plus side i have learnt from it and i am aware that i have a lot of behaviours that have to change to make me a better slave, i know that you can treat me like that again just because it pleases you and i would rather it was that than because i have displeased or disobeyed you. I know you enjoyed it more so i think than on any other occassions when we have been to the dungeon and that scares me to be honest but as long as its not for punishment then i can and will endure it....but im not naive enough to think that i wont get punished again because im human and im going to fuck up. Also i do respect you and if its possible i respect you even more now because i needed to know i couldnt get away with my behaviour and i definitley know that now. I love you and even though i might act up like i did or say horrible things its because im scared and i hope you know i dont mean it.

Usually after a weekend im on a high for a few days and im not this time, perhaps because i feel i didnt get closure after the dungeon visit, i still feel that im not good enough and you deserve better....hopefully i will feel differently once i get off this downer.

On a lighter note its a good job i can keep my thoughts to myself (at times) because i do believe i invented new words to call you and none of them complimentary.

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