So i have been thinking about my resolutions..from now on referred to as goals..and i know the hardest one will be obeying immediatley without resistance of any kind.
I dont do this all the time but certainly more than is acceptable and he does like obedience obviously, and he doesnt place many expectations on me and i certainly dont have lots of rules (micro management is not for us). Mostly it occurs when its something new, something i dont like or it doesnt suit me at that time (which is in my mind the worst reason of all), i have no problem obeying immediatley when its something i enjoy obv. which is good but is not acceptable as a whole not in our dynamic.
We dont have a safeword so i have no get out unless i have a very good reason, and im happy with this and wouldnt want to change it and i do get off on being pushed further perhaps not at the time but afterwards i feel a sense of satisfaction that i have served and pleased him in this way. So why do i sometimes put up a struggle? it doesnt please him and it only makes things worse, i want to say its because im afraid and sometimes i am but yet i trust him completley so why should i fear?
Im a masochist i enjoy pain or should i say it arouses me and im always dripping wet yet sometimes i dont like the pain thats being inflicted although my body tells a different story. My state of mind plays a large part in how i react, if its punishment which it was at the dungeon then i cant relax and embrace it and the fear is justified.
When its not punishment he still will hurt me in ways i dont like but i can accept it more because i am pleasing him through my sufferring rather than it being because he isnt pleased with me. My pain threshold varies im disappointed that i didnt bleed when usually i beg for him to beat me until there is blood but this time it just wasnt happening..although i do have faint marks left on my back from the whipping so thats a bonus.....im digressing!
We both know he needs to be harder on me when i dont obey immediatley, whether this be a short sharp smack accross the face which gets me focused immediatley or god forbid another session like the weekend in the dungeon which is something i want to avoid. I think the biggest motivator has to be the fact that i want to please him and when he tells me that im not that hurts more than any physical punishment he could inflict.