The previous 3 entries although posted here yesterday were actually written on the Sunday night and saved to email then copied and pasted onto the blog...i couldnt sleep i had too much going on in my head over the events of the weekend. I was going to edit the aftermath blog because on re-reading it this morning i feel differently/in a better frame of mind. However the fact is that is how i felt then and to change that post now would be avoiding owning up to that i do have ups and downs and moments of irrational insecurity.
So how do i think now?
I want to be a good slave for you and i know in some areas i havent been especially when its something i dont want to do and i resist as i did at the dungeon. I refuse to accept the blame lies all with me, your my Master and i have on many previous occassions gotten away with resisting and telling you no....you should have stamped that out straightaway.
On my part i think that i need to focus on the difference between wants and needs for example i dont want to be punished as i was for saying no to you or not obeying instantly but i need to be. I need to keep in mind this is not a conventional relationship (thank god!) and you are my Master first which is what i want not a lover (although i do love you) and i do sometimes need to remind myself or need reminding of this fact.
I do feel secure as your slave and i hope i make you happy most of the time because it is important to me i want to be the best i can for you, i will work harder at putting your needs/desires before mine but i cant promise it will all go smoothly all of the time.
Im not proud of the way i behaved at the dungeon if anything im ashamed, but whats done is done, there is no point in my dwelling on it i need to learn from it and improve hopefully the easier way rather than the hard way.
What i have missed about doing this blog is its a way i can communicate with you, not that i feel unable to face to face but sometimes its easier to get my thoughts written down than it is to verbalise them.
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